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Hello Sam Luvit, you've been busyI’ve read your entire thread, so I didn’t say something that’s already been said etc ... but a few things hit me
If I’ve understood correctly, your mum has instructed her solicitor to look after her health & welfare, but no LPA has been set up. I understand her reasoning x years ago, but if no LPA is in effect, then when your mum loses capacity, not even her solicitor can enforce her wishes.
Could you talk to her solicitor, explain your understanding of her wishes, whether that’s DNAR, no heroic measures or Care Home etc. (If she has lost capacity, SS can select a CH if they deem it’s in her best interest), to keep her safe. If she has capacity, you could set up an LPA (she pays for it), do it yourself on line (I’ll happily talk you through it), but instead of it being instantly effective, you select effective when capacity is lost. This doesn’t help you now, but will help later
Cake needs to be your friend. I don't know the medical reason, but cake was my secret weapon for my mum. Resistance to all sorts of things, foul mood or just grumpy, could be transformed with “cup of tea Mum... and how about a piece of cake”.
Carers. I’ve worked for a care agency. I’ve looked after mum. I’m now a Carer. Believe me, the training is woefully inadequate. You have forgotten more about dementia that they have learnt. Three days training, a mere twenty minutes on dementia
Keep phoning and annoying the agency. Tell them the personality your mum responds to. My mum needed someone bubbly, but positive. Insist the carers they send have some understanding of dementia and demand rolleyes, a maximum of five carers. You will need to keep bugging them. This is supposed to be standard with dementia clients, but .....
The carers need to know ... they never say no ... they always instruct.
You / your mum, have the right to say who comes into your home. I felt awful in the early days of carers telling the agency that this one, or that one, didn’t “gel” with my mum ... but we got a “mostly” good team in the end. A good team of carers will make all the difference to getting your mum to work with them most of the time
UTI’s. Yes I know you have far more knowledge on the ins and outs of the true results of a GP dip test ... but ... if your mum is showing more agitation ... more anxiety .. there is a good chance the good old UTI is to blame. It plays havoc with Alzheimers. Get a sample. Take it to the surgery. Request the form (which the GP normally completes), in the box asking why the test is requested put “Alzheimer’s & UTI” and leave it with them. Chances are you will get a call within a few hours and AB’s to clear it
Having met you, I can say, you are doing well, you care & that’s what matters. But ...you need to look after yourself too. Sorry if I’ve been too blunt , but it’s been a long day and I’m a tiny but tired .... but I wanted to finish reading before I said anything. I’m off to bed .... feel free to tell me I’m talking “rubbish”
Oh wow @Palerider, you are in a difficult situation You are basically at everyone else’s mercy. Your mums SW has to fight to show she needs the help against SS trying to hang onto the money, throw in the solicitor saying your mum doesn’t want it and you are a bystander in the decision that in fact controls your life.
I have no magic wand, no solution to beating the Lotto odds, just a listening ear ... not a lot of use to you today
Although I appreciate you wouId never actually follow through on such a threat, but ... you cannot be forced to look after your mum, that golden phrase “she is a vulnerable adult and the duty of care rests with you” did get ASC to move up a gear when I suggested I move out and leave them to it. It’s something to have in the back of your mind, for a day in the future when you feel you must force their hand.
Meanwhile, back in the present ... I was gripping the steering wheel like my life depended on it going over the Dartford Bridge last night and I’ve been blown along while walking Pooch today. How’s your wind ???
Oh what a shame. I thought the dinner you cooked sounded lovely - much better than mine.
Hmm usually I give her a lemonade that she likes or a small light beer. I think wine is too much now, but equally I don't want to deprive her of the things she still likes. May have to mix the frizzante with soda water in futureI have learnt a few tricks to reduce mums wine intake at family get togetherness - she enjoys a glass or two in the evenings when at home but as we do her shopping, we know she is not drinking too much.
But at Christmas or other special occasions, we have found it best to celebrate at my sisters house ( big enough to entertain the whole family!) as mum gets so argumentative in restaurants, mainly because she drinks wine as if it is water!
What we do is either add soda water to white wine and call it Prosecco or give her non alcoholic red wine with her meals. Personally I think this non alcoholic stuff is revolting but mum does not seem to notice! My brother in law makes himself copious cups of tea so he is under instructions to give mum one whether she has asked for one or not!
It's sad really how many tricks we have to learn!
Yes I need to to let go of things a little when I'm working. Hard, but I have to in order to relax a little.I had to accept that while I was at my volunteer job, there was nothing I could do about Mum, @Palerider She was as safe as I could make her. She had her lifeline and I could see if she stepped out the door in the Ring Doorbell. Once I accepted that ... I viewed those hours as my respite
I know it’s hard to do, but you need to look after your sanity too