Dear Cris, we are in the same boat.
When my mother developed dementia, she just kept saying her memory was awful, but that was it.
With my husband, he seems so aware of the changes, he keeps asking what is happening to his mind, or to his brain. When he has a bad lapse, he asks if he`s been violent, or if he`s hurt anyone. He wants to hide, he feels so embarrassed about his lack of ability.
His biggest fear is I will get sick of looking after him and put him in a home, so when he knows he`s been a pain, he`s full of apologies. When he`s unaware, he becomes stroppy, and that, for me is the most difficult, as it is so hard to be kind to someone who`s being horrid.
He has asked me to help him to die, but at the same time I know he is frightened of death. But I`ve lost count of the times he`s said he would like to close his eyes and not wake up.
I don`t know whether I want him to deteriorate and lose this awareness, or stay as he is, when he does have occasional periods of pleasure.
With love