Well as Christmas 2013 and then January 2014 inches towards its climax it also marks the “Ninth Anniversary” with my capricious bedfellow… and I find myself pondering as just where those past Nine years have gone to since I heard those fateful words from my doctor (Sorry Mr. Barry, ‘but’ you have mixed dementia with Alzheimer’s) and the sound of those words still echo out in my thoughts each day and I start to wonder just how many other people have heard those exact words in these past Nine years… which I’m sure by now must run into the tens of thousands, and then with the sudden realization that you have to try and adapt to the whole new way of daily life that any type of Dementia brings with it that can cause us all (meaning both sufferer and spouse alike) to have more high’s and low’s than the Pyrenees mountains…
But now when I try to recollect over my past Nine years I have little recollection of what’s been happening, the only way I can tell is to read the notes in my daily diary and when doing just that it horrifies me as to the many changes that have taken place within my being and my personality.
Where, and what, has devoured at the once placid man that had immense confidence in-himself, who could stand unfalteringly for hours in front of a vast audience lecturing and demonstrating about his profession as a Master Baker and Confectioner, who could answer any technical questions on that given subject and demonstrate the skills within his hands… that once man has now become a quivering wreck that shies away from any direct human contact due to his inability to clearly communicate as a result of the Alzheimer’s/Dementia yet sits fighting with the computer each and every day trying to find the words now lost within his brain…
As we all know it’s an illness that destroys the heart, soul and spirit of a person… yet we must not acquiesce to its relentless bombardment of bewilderments at our being, we must stay as steadfast as is possible, and for as long as possible, everyday fighting our way through the density of clouds that form in the mind that can lead us astray and towards an abyss in life.
‘NO’ it’s not easy and there have been days over the past Nine years when I’ve said “I’ve had enough of this life” not just with regards to my own anxiety… but because of all the anxiety it causes my dear wife Sumi who at the best of times feels helpless as to knowing just how to help me, I’ve said this before, but I will say it again, for those of us with this terrible illness our days will slowly diminish beyond comprehension, but for our spouse the torment goes on beyond our demise, and one thing I know for sure is that without my darling Sumi at my side to support me, then I don’t know what I would do, so for Sumi’s sake, and for the sake of my children, and my grandchildren I will keep on staunchly fighting until the heavenly clouds of God come to carry me away…
Barry
But now when I try to recollect over my past Nine years I have little recollection of what’s been happening, the only way I can tell is to read the notes in my daily diary and when doing just that it horrifies me as to the many changes that have taken place within my being and my personality.
Where, and what, has devoured at the once placid man that had immense confidence in-himself, who could stand unfalteringly for hours in front of a vast audience lecturing and demonstrating about his profession as a Master Baker and Confectioner, who could answer any technical questions on that given subject and demonstrate the skills within his hands… that once man has now become a quivering wreck that shies away from any direct human contact due to his inability to clearly communicate as a result of the Alzheimer’s/Dementia yet sits fighting with the computer each and every day trying to find the words now lost within his brain…
As we all know it’s an illness that destroys the heart, soul and spirit of a person… yet we must not acquiesce to its relentless bombardment of bewilderments at our being, we must stay as steadfast as is possible, and for as long as possible, everyday fighting our way through the density of clouds that form in the mind that can lead us astray and towards an abyss in life.
‘NO’ it’s not easy and there have been days over the past Nine years when I’ve said “I’ve had enough of this life” not just with regards to my own anxiety… but because of all the anxiety it causes my dear wife Sumi who at the best of times feels helpless as to knowing just how to help me, I’ve said this before, but I will say it again, for those of us with this terrible illness our days will slowly diminish beyond comprehension, but for our spouse the torment goes on beyond our demise, and one thing I know for sure is that without my darling Sumi at my side to support me, then I don’t know what I would do, so for Sumi’s sake, and for the sake of my children, and my grandchildren I will keep on staunchly fighting until the heavenly clouds of God come to carry me away…
Barry