Christmas...

[Tartuffe]

last christmas we had a power cut from 10.30 am until about 6.45pm - which was extremely 'testing' to say the least! we had eight of us for dinner and everything was running relatively smoothly until the leccy popped off!

You should have seen us all scrabbling round looking for candles !! I mean who has them anymore? Luckily my mum had made us the most wonderful table decoration for xmas, being the very clever lady she was and so it was put to splendid multi purpose use as the candles were taken out of the dec and shoved into empty wine bottles that were then strategically placed around the kitchen so we could at least see where the brussell sprouts were lurking.....they had of course been cooking on the hob since july, so were nearly ready!

I held the torch in a two man operation to see that the turkey crown was cooked (thank the heavens for a combi oven) and in the afternoon we played cards, dominoes and 'newmarket' (with coins for horses) whilst waiting for the dinner to finish. my brother in law has one of those battery DAB radios, so that was our musical entertainment.

All in all a fab day even if it was pitted with adversity - little did we know that it was to have been my mum's last christmas day as she died in September with a return of bowel cancer.

My advice is to think of one good thing and let it be the focus of your yuletide - be it a kind word, an enexpected call or even just recounting a fond memory from a year past - do this to someone else and it becomes yours also. it is but one day in the year.

I wish you all a very merry Christmas.

Nickyx

 

[countonus]

Right choice

You know in your heart that your mother will be unsettled if she came out of her care home and it is only in OUR hearts that we feel that guilt and loss. I think to have a mini Christmas day is a fantastic idea. We are doing a similar thing, celebrating Christmas on the Monday before purely because of family commitments. My mother is in third stage but still at home with my father (he had a stroke in June). I have come to the conclusion that I have to put mum's feelings and needs before mine - as long as she is settled and not anxious she is happy in her world.

Me, for one. This year for the first time, I don't think Mum will cope with spending the day away from her CH, but not sure how she will react if/when she realises we are leaving her there.
We plan to bring mum out for a mini 'Christmas day' with immediate family on 24th morning, but Christmas day itself will be a gathering in a 'strange' house with 'strange' people. It would be too stressful for everyone including Mum.

Bah Humbug!

 

[ratbag]

xmas???

i was glad to see other members are not exactly looking forward to xmas same as me i am full time caring for my husband who is slowly getting worse after docs stopped his medication as they said he was not responding and it wasent doing any good even though he has declined rapidly since stopping it !! my dilema at xmas is my husband can no longer cope with grandchildren round him gets stressed and goes to bed so what do i do im torn because obviously i want to see the kids at xmas but am scared of his reaction to everything going on round him as he can get nasty even when kids there what can i do ?????

 

[KTAnneB]

Hubby, 3 boys (10, 15 & 17) & I live in Australia, the rest of my family are in UK. Dad has dementia & mum does a great job caring for him at home. My brother lives 3-4 hr drive away & for work reasons can't be with mum & dad at Christmas. So they will be on their own. Two years ago they were here with us for Christmas (that was the start of dads dementia journey), as they have been here every other year since I migrated here 16 years ago. I'm dreading Christmas, dad will have no idea what is going on & while we haven't talked about it yet I expect mum will wonder what to do, whether putting up even a small table top Christmas tree will be worth it as dad will be bound to throw it away/lose it/try to burn it/put it in the oven/bath/microwave blah blah blah......My boys are at an age when the magic of Christmas is wearing a bit thin & I'm trying to think of ways to make it okay - I usually love Christmas but just am not sure how to deal with this one. For the first time in Aus we won't be seeing my in-laws (that is quite possibly a very good thing!!) so my children will not be having grandparents hugs at Christmas for the first time ever.
Compared to many stories here I am lucky and grateful but still feeling sad and emotional about it all.
May you all find something joyful to celebrate on your Christmas Day.

 

[Tartuffe]

I meant to say, your collective posts that mention about a person not remembering/recognising who you are?

Just remember when you visit someone that you love that they will perhaps not be able to remember you in name, time, date, context or place, but they will experience in that moment the love and postive feeling that you have brought with you, this feeling lasts beyond your visit unconsiously like a hug .........so the important feature is why you go, not when you go.

Nickyx

 

[Wizzy6]

Bah humbug

How many of us on here are viewing Christmas with apprehension? We're lucky if we find ourselves included in a big jolly Christmas where our only responsibility is to help our Dementia sufferer to enjoy it. Some of us may find ourselves on our own, some alone with their "patient", some entirely alone.

Much as I've always enjoyed Christmas, and after years of 'doing' Christmas for family and lonely friends, ours has diminished, and I'm beginning to find some of those TV commercials of frenzied excitement lower my mood when I think of how many people on here aren't going to have that sort of Christmas.

So, Bah Humbug! Suggestions, please, for thoughts to make us feel more positive about other people's Merry Christmas, when frankly, I feel sad, and must snap out of it.

Hi. This will be my first christmas alone with Mum. It is not fair for her to watch everyone eating and talking when she can no longer partake. BUT. I will be at peace knowing she is happy as long as i am here. M&S meal for one will do nicely thanks. I will not be stuffing myself with all the extras we eat as a family. I will enjoy some special chocs, a special drink knowing i will not have piles of washing up to do. Yeah!!!!!!
So look for the positive in this horrible journey we have to walk. I will be able to watch what i like while she sleeps, or even turn the tv off and read. Oh joy.
May your Christmas time have more than you expect. Xxxx

 

[Worrywart]

Christmas hasn't been the same for me since we lost my mum 8 years ago - she made Christmas the great family day we all enjoyed but since then my sisters have families and enjoy the day on their own. I must admit that although I'm not a bah humbug I tend to look at Christmas as just another couple of days holiday. I don't put up any decorations as I only get depressed when I have to take them down again although of course I put up the cards we receive. As I'm single and a full time carer for my father who has Alzheimer's (we live together so it's 24/7) I find it easier to just treat it that way. I've always been a home bird and dislike large parties so I'll get my bottle of wine and we'll have Christmas dinner and put our feet up and spend the afternoon snoozing and watching telly and Dad won't realise the days any different from any other weekend.

 

[lillybo]

Nice Christmas

How many of us on here are viewing Christmas with apprehension? We're lucky if we find ourselves included in a big jolly Christmas where our only responsibility is to help our Dementia sufferer to enjoy it. Some of us may find ourselves on our own, some alone with their "patient", some entirely alone.

Much as I've always enjoyed Christmas, and after years of 'doing' Christmas for family and lonely friends, ours has diminished, and I'm beginning to find some of those TV commercials of frenzied excitement lower my mood when I think of how many people on here aren't going to have that sort of Christmas.

So, Bah Humbug! Suggestions, please, for thoughts to make us feel more positive about other people's Merry Christmas, when frankly, I feel sad, and must snap out of it.

The Shops and the TV would have us believe that everyone is happy at christmas. We have to send cards to so many people buy presents and try to remember everyone. Then to make a special meal the best one of the year. This was my story for 45 years but now I enjoy relaxing and giving money to charity for the homeless and give money instead of things they dont want or need to all the family and friends children. Then enjoy the whole of christmas

 

[phoenixrose]

I am still in the process of deciding whether to have my parents over to my house for Boxing day. We have our traditional Christmas dinner on Boxing day as I got sick of being stuck in the kitchen while hubby got all the fun of playing with the kids with all the new things that I had spent months buying. and then having the kids say they can't eat the food I had spent hour cooking because hubby had let them eat all their chocolate.

Anyway, dad was diagnosed this year, in January, and mum doesn't look after him very well, but that's another story. So I want to have dad over for boxing day but know my mum will have to come with him. I have trouble dealing with my mum, she winds me up and I know I will be stressed just having her in my house. But they don't do anything for Christmas, dad sits in his corner and mum will slap a microwave meal in front of him just like any other day of the year. I want dad to have one Christmas, I was going to say that he remembers but that's not going to happen is it? So maybe I want him to enjoy himself before it's too late. Then there is my son who is autistic and finds Christmas hard and dealing with Nanny and Granddad even harder. My husband will have to spend most of Boxing day driving between our house and theirs. They live over an hour away so that's 4 hours of driving. He said he will do it but that's not the point.

So I am still undecided as to whether I will invite them or not. I know I will, deep down, but it's that final step of actually committing myself to it, once I've asked I can't take it back and I will know that we will all have a very stressful day. There will be 10 people and my mum will want all the focus on her, she will get moody and I will snap at her and our Boxing day will be a disaster. It will hopefully all go over dads head and he will have a lovely time.

 

[babel]

Chrstmas ??????????????

I used to love Christmas - carols, decorations, special food, etc. but on Christmas Eve last year my husband went into a delirium (was undergoing a change of medication) and I ended up physically fighting with him at about midnight. Horrific.

This event was the start of a sudden and severe decline from which he never recovered - indeed he has gotten progressively worse.

Now cannot bear the thought that Christmas is coming - and the 'anniversary' of that dreadful night that was the 'beginning of the end' for him.

I hope I feel differently in years to come.

 

[jmulcaster]

How many of us on here are viewing Christmas with apprehension? We're lucky if we find ourselves included in a big jolly Christmas where our only responsibility is to help our Dementia sufferer to enjoy it. Some of us may find ourselves on our own, some alone with their "patient", some entirely alone.

Much as I've always enjoyed Christmas, and after years of 'doing' Christmas for family and lonely friends, ours has diminished, and I'm beginning to find some of those TV commercials of frenzied excitement lower my mood when I think of how many people on here aren't going to have that sort of Christmas.

So, Bah Humbug! Suggestions, please, for thoughts to make us feel more positive about other people's Merry Christmas, when frankly, I feel sad, and must snap out of it.

I lost a loved partner 7 months ago. I've lost my mom (the ability to see her) to her dementia...she is mean and verbally abusive...convinced I've stolen her money. I've now lost a brother, who wants control of my mothers VAST fortune of $6000, money I secured for her care from the VA. I also had a divorce several years ago. Loss? It's my middle name. Here's how I am coping...how I AM still standing. I'm adopting an image in my mind of a beautiful tall Queen Palm tree...that bends with the wind....with the storms that come it's way....I/we bend....storms blow over....they never last forever. I/we remain strong and unbroken. Sound good? Well, it works occasionally....the hard part, is to remember to be the palm tree when the winds begin to blow. Christmas will come and go. It WILL be different. It WILL be lonely....everything has changed. I will be the palm tree...trying to survive is all I can do. I decorated my house in three minutes...wreath on the front door and put my Charlie Brown tree out...the one with five branches, no lights, and one red bulb...it is enough this year.

 

[PamD]

It'll be the first Christmas husband and I have spent without sitting down to dinner with parents - his / mine / the lot (except one blissful year when we went to India). Mother is the only one left, and after nearly 4 years when we've been living with her in her bungalow, she's now moved into a nearby care home. Lovely place, and we'll go over there on Christmas morning but will then come away for a day with just the two of us. We've no kids (IVF failed us), our two sisters live hundreds of miles away and have their own families, it's just us. I couldn't suggest we join Mother in the care home for dinner because husband finds her company so trying, and I owe him a lot after he's put up with a totally disrupted life since my father died in 2009.

I hope I can make it a lovely peaceful and pleasurable day for us both, though I get so fed up with all the constant harping on about families and spending. Each year I consider dropping out of weightwatchers when they start on about "sparkling for Christmas" with 13 weeks to go or whatever. Grrr, humbug, etc.

Then after Boxing Day we'll be hurtling off trying to visit the various nieces and nephews in other parts of the country, juggling parcels and meals. And then we sit back and wonder what it was all about, and say "Another year we must get south to visit at some other time of year", but we don't!

It's been helpful to read everyone else's situations too: there are a lot of us out there who won't be sitting down for Christmas dinner with 2.4 children and happy smiling grandparents. Good luck to you all.

 

[Eleonora]

How many of us on here are viewing Christmas with apprehension? We're lucky if we find ourselves included in a big jolly Christmas where our only responsibility is to help our Dementia sufferer to enjoy it. Some of us may find ourselves on our own, some alone with their "patient", some entirely alone.

Much as I've always enjoyed Christmas, and after years of 'doing' Christmas for family and lonely friends, ours has diminished, and I'm beginning to find some of those TV commercials of frenzied excitement lower my mood when I think of how many people on here aren't going to have that sort of Christmas.

So, Bah Humbug! Suggestions, please, for thoughts to make us feel more positive about other people's Merry Christmas, when frankly, I feel sad, and must snap out of it.

I try to ignore the whole thing, Raggedy Anne!
As the sole carer for my eighty-eight year old husband, who has dementia; and have decided, this year, to ignore the whole manipulative feast of,' St Santa'

I'll send out cards to our isolated, elderly friends, (who wouldn't understand, and might think we'd popped our clogs if we didn't.) And the grandchildren won't be forgotten. But apart from that, we'll simply share a roast chicken & a bottle of something decent.

We, too, had our big family Christmases - And, let's be honest, we didn't worry overly much about those who were not part of the whole twinkly, tinselly season A bob or two in the various collecting tins, and we'd done our part.

But that was years ago. We've grown older, and the children have families of their own to think about.
We don't have to be manipulated into false jollity, and massive overspending.
We have to allow those who are young, and full of Christmas spirit - to have their fun, just as we did. But we can smile wisely, and ignore the whole thing.

 

[Pottingshed50]

Eleonora - Just loved your post.

 

[gingernut45]

I'm also dreading christmas this year as where my hubby ends up next year depends on his behavior this year. I'm a dual carer (I look after my disabled 24 year old daughter at home as well as hubby with Alzhiemers) and for the last 2/3 christmas's he's complained that he never sees his 7 other (and older)children at Christmas. The thing is, they have never bothered with him (except 1, but we've been at Butlins on a pre-arranged booking and we couldn't get out of it) for the 26 years we've been married and he has never said a word about going to see them (in Kent).
If he starts complaining again this year and wrecking my daughter's christmas, then I'm booking him into a care home for his Christmas break. Do I sound Mean? Please be honest.

 

[Ed1964]

How many of us on here are viewing Christmas with apprehension?

Lots of us! This will be the first Christmas in 48years that I won't wake up in the same house as my mum. She's been in a CH for most of this year.
Up until a couple of days ago the plan was for me to pick mum up from the CH and head to my sisters bungalow (no stairs, easy for mum to go the loo). Now there is MRSA at the CH, so my sis is using that to back out. My house is 19th century, cold with very steep stairs - the only loo is up those stairs. Into gloom...until, I made the conscious decision today to put up a proper tree and decorations - and to find the money for proper food etc. If the weather permits, i will drive to the CH and spend all of Christmas Day with my mum. The alternative is to sit alone and weep, so I may as well be there, even though i hate it. If it makes it a bit better for mum, great - otherwise it's just another day with weird television. I am hoping that I have persuaded myself to spend the season being thankful for the years that Christmas was a time of love and laughter. No doubt I will shed tears this month - everytime 'Fairytale of New York' comes on the radio or in a shop. Mum loves that song - 'So irreverant, but so accurate' she used to say.
Isn't it awful to dread this time of year, folks? I wish all of you peace at Christmas.

 

[aliceteresa]

why?

this will be the first Christmas since mum has been in a home
still cant get over mum being in a home and still grieving
visited her on Saturday and as we sat in the communal lounge and we witnessed
a carer telling a resident that she was obnoxious and when she lost her baby ( her doll)
he shouted at her repetitively that it was where she always leaves it.........I said to him in front of everyone that she doesnt know that and he should,nt talk to her in that manner !!
And another resident who had wet her self and was trying so hard to communicate with him even touching his arm, he totally ignored her and turned his body away from her. I told him she was trying to talk to him and that she was still wetting herself and it was running down her legs............she was so distressed........then when another carer came in and i pointed out to her that the resident was wet she went to her then so did the male carer to which the resident froze to the spot as he grabbed her arm !!!!
I went straight and reported him to the manager and SS
How upsetting that he could treat someone in such a disgusting and abusive manner what was he like behind closed doors
People like him give carers a bad name as Im sure there are many out there that care
But we were left to go home upset and very angry and worried about my mothers care

 

[loveahug]

put the details on the CQC site, if they get quite a few they visit unannounced, no wonder you're scared for your mum x

 

[Hils21]

Me, for one. This year for the first time, I don't think Mum will cope with spending the day away from her CH, but not sure how she will react if/when she realises we are leaving her there.
We plan to bring mum out for a mini 'Christmas day' with immediate family on 24th morning, but Christmas day itself will be a gathering in a 'strange' house with 'strange' people. It would be too stressful for everyone including Mum.

Bah Humbug!

We went through the same emotions last year, left Dad in care home for first time and felt very guilty. However he was very settled, surrounded by people he knew, despite dementia. Having listened to CH manager, she was so right, he would have been so confused if he came to us. We took presents in on Xmas eve and spent time with him. He seemed quite happy, just me who worried the whole time, without needing to.

 

[Hils21]

Christmas hasn't been the same for me since we lost my mum 8 years ago - she made Christmas the great family day we all enjoyed but since then my sisters have families and enjoy the day on their own. I must admit that although I'm not a bah humbug I tend to look at Christmas as just another couple of days holiday. I don't put up any decorations as I only get depressed when I have to take them down again although of course I put up the cards we receive. As I'm single and a full time carer for my father who has Alzheimer's (we live together so it's 24/7) I find it easier to just treat it that way. I've always been a home bird and dislike large parties so I'll get my bottle of wine and we'll have Christmas dinner and put our feet up and spend the afternoon snoozing and watching telly and Dad won't realise the days any different from any other weekend.

Dear worrywart, can fully understand how you fell but go on put up a little tree with lights, the glow is quite soothing and try to enjoy x