Stressful visits - opinions please
- Thread starter Delphie
- Start date
This is spooky now, Delphie. You have pretty much described my relationship with my mum. I met my (now) husband when I was 14, spent most of my time with his family, married at 17....sorted.
Very similar, except my mum didn't like small children much either. She liked the idea of them ("I know... ..I don't look old enough to have grandchildren,
")but not so much the practicalities.
I go once a week, more if it's Drs or anything, but like today, tipping down snow Whoopee, reprieve ! How awful is that?
Lin x
Very similar, except my mum didn't like small children much either. She liked the idea of them ("I know... ..I don't look old enough to have grandchildren,
")but not so much the practicalities.I go once a week, more if it's Drs or anything, but like today, tipping down snow Whoopee, reprieve ! How awful is that?
Lin x
Delphie, it sounds to me that the only reason you are visiting is because you are worried about what other people think.
Well, s*d the other people! If they're so concerned, let them visit her!
You have made sure she is in a good home who can cater for all her needs. You are perfectly happy with the quality of care that she receives. I am sure you will have told the home to contact you if there is a genuine need to such as an emergency or a crisis, or if they need permission for something.
So - if neither of you is getting any sort of pleasure at all from going, and indeed if your visits are actually causing you both distress, then please stop going.
Phone the home regularly to check all is well (speak to the carers, not your mum) and cut yourself a bit of slack.
If you and your mum didn't really like to be in each other's company much before she became ill, and nothing has changed, then I think maybe it's time to stop.
You know you have done your best and that's all that matters.
xx
PS - you know what? If my mam goes into a home, I can't see me visiting her more than once a week, and my relationship with my mam was much better than yours with your mum. There. I've said it.
Well, s*d the other people! If they're so concerned, let them visit her!
You have made sure she is in a good home who can cater for all her needs. You are perfectly happy with the quality of care that she receives. I am sure you will have told the home to contact you if there is a genuine need to such as an emergency or a crisis, or if they need permission for something.
So - if neither of you is getting any sort of pleasure at all from going, and indeed if your visits are actually causing you both distress, then please stop going.
Phone the home regularly to check all is well (speak to the carers, not your mum) and cut yourself a bit of slack.
If you and your mum didn't really like to be in each other's company much before she became ill, and nothing has changed, then I think maybe it's time to stop.
You know you have done your best and that's all that matters.
xx
PS - you know what? If my mam goes into a home, I can't see me visiting her more than once a week, and my relationship with my mam was much better than yours with your mum. There. I've said it.
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Hi there, I think Collegegirl is right to stop the visits but only for the time being - she might change again i.e. my Mum used to be feisty and difficult but now she is compliant and easy going and quite easy to be with.
Must be awful for you to feel like this. Take care x
Must be awful for you to feel like this. Take care x
Good grief do we all have mothers that are clones of yours?
Mum has been in her care home for 18 months. For the first year she hated it, wanted to go bake to her own house (which we had to sell to pay for her care), was rude to me when I went, was rude about me when I didnt go, told my brother stories about me, told me stories about him....you get the picture.
Well, the demands to go home have finally ceased. She still makes escape attempts to go visit relations who have been dead over half a century, and this afternoon we are having a review of care and deciding whether she gets medicated (sedated at night) or moved to an EMI home which is more secure than the lovely home she is in now.
I visit once a week now with my daughter (17) who can handle her better than me. I think having someone else there really helped diffuse the situation. My mum wouldnt be really horrible if someone else was there.
I also kept visits to under 20 mins, and when she was really bad visited at lunchtime in the dining room. Boy she used to glare at me, itching to say something, but not doing it because she still retained some dignity.
Now, she cant follow a conversation or focus on what we say for a minute - totally living most of the time in her own fantasy world.
Its easier for me - she is much more pleasant, content and basically not my mother. People say, its so sad, try to remember what she was like years ago. She was horrible and nasty 40 years ago - she only lost her inhibitions with the illness. Now she is so far gone that she cant actually be nasty anymore.
Mum has been in her care home for 18 months. For the first year she hated it, wanted to go bake to her own house (which we had to sell to pay for her care), was rude to me when I went, was rude about me when I didnt go, told my brother stories about me, told me stories about him....you get the picture.
Well, the demands to go home have finally ceased. She still makes escape attempts to go visit relations who have been dead over half a century, and this afternoon we are having a review of care and deciding whether she gets medicated (sedated at night) or moved to an EMI home which is more secure than the lovely home she is in now.
I visit once a week now with my daughter (17) who can handle her better than me. I think having someone else there really helped diffuse the situation. My mum wouldnt be really horrible if someone else was there.
I also kept visits to under 20 mins, and when she was really bad visited at lunchtime in the dining room. Boy she used to glare at me, itching to say something, but not doing it because she still retained some dignity.
Now, she cant follow a conversation or focus on what we say for a minute - totally living most of the time in her own fantasy world.
Its easier for me - she is much more pleasant, content and basically not my mother. People say, its so sad, try to remember what she was like years ago. She was horrible and nasty 40 years ago - she only lost her inhibitions with the illness. Now she is so far gone that she cant actually be nasty anymore.
Though I wouldn't wish my situation on anyone, it is strangely comforting that others have had similar problems.
I think I'll go on Tuesday and give it one more go. Maybe it's an idea to try a completely different attitude again. I used to try to reason with her, but these days I tend to try and cam her, then I say I'm going to leave if she doesn't stop being verbally abusive, and then I leave. I'm probably walking in already stressed, so maybe if I play some mind games and walk in feeling positive, maybe she'll respond to that.
I'm kidding myself, but it's worth a shot!
I think I'll go on Tuesday and give it one more go. Maybe it's an idea to try a completely different attitude again. I used to try to reason with her, but these days I tend to try and cam her, then I say I'm going to leave if she doesn't stop being verbally abusive, and then I leave. I'm probably walking in already stressed, so maybe if I play some mind games and walk in feeling positive, maybe she'll respond to that.
I'm kidding myself, but it's worth a shot!
Hi Delphie
I agree a different attitude can change things. I refuse to rise to anything my gran says, she's always been a 'poor me' type and it can be very wearing as I get the brunt of it all.
Never, ever, try and reason....you waste your own breath! My gran cant find her slippers at present, apparently they got wet at 'the other place' and werent brought to 'this place'. I expect they're in the washing machine or dryer and have asked the laundry to look out for them.
I said oh they're probably in the laundry but apparently I was being preposterous! I asked her long she thought she'd been there...'oh about a week'. She's been there five months, but I will be the daft one if I correct her!
Give yourself a break and perfect the art of saying 'oh yes....'
I agree a different attitude can change things. I refuse to rise to anything my gran says, she's always been a 'poor me' type and it can be very wearing as I get the brunt of it all.
Never, ever, try and reason....you waste your own breath! My gran cant find her slippers at present, apparently they got wet at 'the other place' and werent brought to 'this place'. I expect they're in the washing machine or dryer and have asked the laundry to look out for them.
I said oh they're probably in the laundry but apparently I was being preposterous! I asked her long she thought she'd been there...'oh about a week'. She's been there five months, but I will be the daft one if I correct her!
Give yourself a break and perfect the art of saying 'oh yes....'
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Hi Delphie
When I find myself worrying about what is best I ask myself what would I want my family to do if it was me with the demntia.
If I get dementia I hope some one kind like you makes sure I'm warm, safe and fed with the best care possible. If I become nasty and make visits stressful then just leave me to it. I would hate to think I made my family miserable.
IMO stop making yourself stressed, if your mum is well cared for then that is the best you can do. If your mum is a good caring person she would not want you to do anything else. It's your choice but would you want your children to do what you are doing. Be strong and remember the right thing is not always the easiest.
When I find myself worrying about what is best I ask myself what would I want my family to do if it was me with the demntia.
If I get dementia I hope some one kind like you makes sure I'm warm, safe and fed with the best care possible. If I become nasty and make visits stressful then just leave me to it. I would hate to think I made my family miserable.
IMO stop making yourself stressed, if your mum is well cared for then that is the best you can do. If your mum is a good caring person she would not want you to do anything else. It's your choice but would you want your children to do what you are doing. Be strong and remember the right thing is not always the easiest.
It's just the guilt talking
You've said "I wouldn't be seeing her if she didn't have Dementia" Well, that says it all. It's not your mother you are visiting, it's the Dementia, because otherwise you would be happy and she would be happy to see each other a lot less often. She seems happy in between your visits. Happier when you leave her alone, in fact. The only reason you are going is because you feel guilty and obligated. All negative reasons. So just, don't go. Don't do it to yourself. And don't feel guilty, either. Call the home, check on how she is. Have a chat with the home manager and tell them why you wont be coming to visit as often. Maybe if you feel you have to check on her welfare, pop in to check out the room, make sure all is in order, look at your mum from afar without letting her see you and only talk to her for 5 minutes before you go. It's not your fault she has Dementia. You've done your best to see that she is happy. If neither of you finds happiness in direct contact, then just miss that part out.
I read a few more of your replies to posts... You left at 16 and have never been close with her. You must have missed having a close relationship with her. Maybe you are trying to have as much relationship you can with her before she is gone. It's truly heartbreaking to read your story. I hope you find peace with all this soon. Just one thing. People are who they are, dementia and all, and you can only accept them for who they are. My mum is just starting the process of diagnosis but I think she has had dementia for years, she's certainly been difficult to live with for a very long time and I am just realising I must accept who she is now, and stop wishing for the return of someone who has been gone a long time already. Someone who I may never have in fact had. Best wishes. XXX
You've said "I wouldn't be seeing her if she didn't have Dementia" Well, that says it all. It's not your mother you are visiting, it's the Dementia, because otherwise you would be happy and she would be happy to see each other a lot less often. She seems happy in between your visits. Happier when you leave her alone, in fact. The only reason you are going is because you feel guilty and obligated. All negative reasons. So just, don't go. Don't do it to yourself. And don't feel guilty, either. Call the home, check on how she is. Have a chat with the home manager and tell them why you wont be coming to visit as often. Maybe if you feel you have to check on her welfare, pop in to check out the room, make sure all is in order, look at your mum from afar without letting her see you and only talk to her for 5 minutes before you go. It's not your fault she has Dementia. You've done your best to see that she is happy. If neither of you finds happiness in direct contact, then just miss that part out.
I read a few more of your replies to posts... You left at 16 and have never been close with her. You must have missed having a close relationship with her. Maybe you are trying to have as much relationship you can with her before she is gone. It's truly heartbreaking to read your story. I hope you find peace with all this soon. Just one thing. People are who they are, dementia and all, and you can only accept them for who they are. My mum is just starting the process of diagnosis but I think she has had dementia for years, she's certainly been difficult to live with for a very long time and I am just realising I must accept who she is now, and stop wishing for the return of someone who has been gone a long time already. Someone who I may never have in fact had. Best wishes. XXX
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Funny that Delphie... My saint of a husband has told me exactly the same thing. He says mother should reap what she has sown but no matter how many times I threaten to walk away I never do.
One very sad day a few short years ago I stood in my parent's house and looked at my dad in his coffin. My heart was breaking but I had no regrets. I did all I ever could for him and we parted as the best of friends. One day its probable I will stand at mum's coffin and I want to able to say my conscience is also clear. I don't want to spend years thinking 'if only'. I do protect myself as much as I can in that I don't visit nearly as much as I did and control phone calls etc but I feel I am caring for her to the extent I can giving our previous relationship.
I have to say however that if it had been mum who died first and it was daddy I was now looking after I'd be moving heaven and earth to make sure he was ok and nothing would be a problem but then the relationship we had was a very close one.
Isbella
More guilt.
I've been going less often and phoning more. Today, I called and a lovely carer who I know quite well now said please don't speak to her because every time you visit or phone she gets very aggressive and it takes us ages to calm her down. She's fine most of the time otherwise but I'm a trigger for very difficult behaviour.
She also said that this is just a phase and not to take it personally. They've noticed a decline in mum in other ways and they're working at making her as happy as possible.
I should be glad because it's almost as if I'm off the hook. She's being well cared for and I'm being told to not bother, for a while at least, with these difficult visits. But I feel so rejected. It's like another failure, isn't it.
I'm sorry. This feels self indulgent. It's just incredible that when I do everything right, such as find a great care home to keep her from being sectioned, I'm still in the wrong. Always in the wrong.
I'm trying to reason my way through this but it's truly not easy, although I think I understand the psychological triggers. It's almost funny how things can make perfect sense intellectually yet still sting like nettles when it comes to emotions.
Ignore me you lovely lot. I feel better for having typed that and so many of you have bigger mountains to climb than me.
I've been going less often and phoning more. Today, I called and a lovely carer who I know quite well now said please don't speak to her because every time you visit or phone she gets very aggressive and it takes us ages to calm her down. She's fine most of the time otherwise but I'm a trigger for very difficult behaviour.
She also said that this is just a phase and not to take it personally. They've noticed a decline in mum in other ways and they're working at making her as happy as possible.
I should be glad because it's almost as if I'm off the hook. She's being well cared for and I'm being told to not bother, for a while at least, with these difficult visits. But I feel so rejected. It's like another failure, isn't it.
I'm sorry. This feels self indulgent. It's just incredible that when I do everything right, such as find a great care home to keep her from being sectioned, I'm still in the wrong. Always in the wrong.
I'm trying to reason my way through this but it's truly not easy, although I think I understand the psychological triggers. It's almost funny how things can make perfect sense intellectually yet still sting like nettles when it comes to emotions.
Ignore me you lovely lot. I feel better for having typed that and so many of you have bigger mountains to climb than me.
Hello Delphie, thank you for the update, and certainly you won't be ignored
Sorry to hear that you feel rejected, but really you shouldn't, and you are doing so many things correctly. It's just so hard sometimes to find our way through the emotions.
Take good care of yourself, as you have said, you found a great care home for your mum.
Xx
Sorry to hear that you feel rejected, but really you shouldn't, and you are doing so many things correctly. It's just so hard sometimes to find our way through the emotions.
Take good care of yourself, as you have said, you found a great care home for your mum.
Xx
Hi Delphie,
Thanks for getting back to us with the update.
I can so relate to how you are feeling as I am in a similar position. Have looked after Dad for several years and just two weeks ago he moved into a lovely CH close by. This was to be an interim period of three weeks to assess his needs, but it has become clear he needs round the clock care and nursing, which I am unable to provide, so it looks likely that this will become a permanent placement.
I have sacrificed so much in my quest to ease Dads suffering, yes, I really have. I only know that now because in the two short weeks someone else has taken the reins, I can fully breathe in and out. That sounds a bit dramatic I know but it's true. There's just one snag though, I have become the evil daughter in my Dads eyes. This came to light in a meeting I had after Dad had been at the CH for 10 days, with a senior nurse and SW. It appears Dad tells everyone that I am bossy and over bearing. I burst into tears in the meeting. How could he say such things? After alot of tears, mostly in the shower, I have come to terms with it. Yes, it is his VasD making him like this, but he's always been difficult and selfish, and I am a control freak, but I'm also kind and caring, so he can say what he wants!
Seriously though, it hurts like hell to think he sees me in this light, but I will go to visit him today, along with his pop and sarsparilla sweets and a big smile on my face, and then tomorrow I won't go.
Don't forget to breathe.
Love Jane
Thanks for getting back to us with the update.
I can so relate to how you are feeling as I am in a similar position. Have looked after Dad for several years and just two weeks ago he moved into a lovely CH close by. This was to be an interim period of three weeks to assess his needs, but it has become clear he needs round the clock care and nursing, which I am unable to provide, so it looks likely that this will become a permanent placement.
I have sacrificed so much in my quest to ease Dads suffering, yes, I really have. I only know that now because in the two short weeks someone else has taken the reins, I can fully breathe in and out. That sounds a bit dramatic I know but it's true. There's just one snag though, I have become the evil daughter in my Dads eyes. This came to light in a meeting I had after Dad had been at the CH for 10 days, with a senior nurse and SW. It appears Dad tells everyone that I am bossy and over bearing. I burst into tears in the meeting. How could he say such things? After alot of tears, mostly in the shower, I have come to terms with it. Yes, it is his VasD making him like this, but he's always been difficult and selfish, and I am a control freak, but I'm also kind and caring, so he can say what he wants!
Seriously though, it hurts like hell to think he sees me in this light, but I will go to visit him today, along with his pop and sarsparilla sweets and a big smile on my face, and then tomorrow I won't go.
Don't forget to breathe.
Love Jane
Could you turn the travel plans into a version of the little white lies (or big fat grey ones) some of us rely on? i.e. take in some nice holiday brochures to look at: 'How about this one?' etc. (if that's the sort of travel she's thinking of.) Even if she can't read any more you could describe them and they might just take her mind off ranting.
Of course this would be after you have drastically cut down your visiting, having given yourself permission to do so! As for what other people might think, stuff them, they don't have to go through it and will never understand what it's like unless they've been through similar. But you could always fib shamelessly there, too.
Other's have said it, but I wanted to add:
If your visits are upsetting for the both of you then there's no benefit to them surely?
From the sound of it your mother is not unhappy when you don't visit.
I'm not sure the relationship you used to have with her should count. Yes, it may be adding to your guilt but ignore it. You need to think of your happiness now, and your mothers.
I'm not sure when my father goes into a home that I shall visit often. The way his AD has taken, he is lucky if he remembers who I am after a few hours away. I shall keep an eye one him, certainly, and if my visits benefit him then I certainly won't avoid them, but I won't see them as some kind of duty based upon a relationship that doesn't exist any more.
My relationships with my parents growing up were more that just a bit complicated. So much so that I stopped talking to my mother when I was 13. She died 4 years later. I have never regretted my decision to step away, knowing it was for the best for both of us, for our future, even if others, including my own family, failed to understand that.
If your visits are upsetting for the both of you then there's no benefit to them surely?
From the sound of it your mother is not unhappy when you don't visit.
I'm not sure the relationship you used to have with her should count. Yes, it may be adding to your guilt but ignore it. You need to think of your happiness now, and your mothers.
I'm not sure when my father goes into a home that I shall visit often. The way his AD has taken, he is lucky if he remembers who I am after a few hours away. I shall keep an eye one him, certainly, and if my visits benefit him then I certainly won't avoid them, but I won't see them as some kind of duty based upon a relationship that doesn't exist any more.
My relationships with my parents growing up were more that just a bit complicated. So much so that I stopped talking to my mother when I was 13. She died 4 years later. I have never regretted my decision to step away, knowing it was for the best for both of us, for our future, even if others, including my own family, failed to understand that.
Thank you, lovely people.
I like your suggestions Witzend, especially the last one. Oh yes, I see my mother daily, thank you very much for asking.
JMU, you're right of course. We shouldn't be conditioned into thinking that some things are a must. Family relationships are complex, I know that well, and trying to force them into becoming something they're not, while dealing with dementia, is a fool's game. I just don't like to be that woman who put her mum in a care home and skipped off to get on with her life. That's how it honestly feels if I don't visit, although I do understand it's stupid.
leedsfan, yes, indeed, I know what you mean about breathing. I'm trying.
Christin, thank you for your kind words.
I like your suggestions Witzend, especially the last one. Oh yes, I see my mother daily, thank you very much for asking.
JMU, you're right of course. We shouldn't be conditioned into thinking that some things are a must. Family relationships are complex, I know that well, and trying to force them into becoming something they're not, while dealing with dementia, is a fool's game. I just don't like to be that woman who put her mum in a care home and skipped off to get on with her life. That's how it honestly feels if I don't visit, although I do understand it's stupid.
leedsfan, yes, indeed, I know what you mean about breathing. I'm trying.
Christin, thank you for your kind words.
I've just read your thread through Delphie and understand your position completely.
I moved gran into a NH in December and feel so guilty. I'm currently 'away' this week and not visiting. It's awful but i need to recharge. Its my first week off in six months. I shall go see her tomorrow and see if she's noticed. I don't want to go but no-one else will visit.
I find the constant asking why she can't go home horrible.
I'm now reading a book about guilt and that is helping me make sense of some of my feelings.
Good luck. X
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I moved gran into a NH in December and feel so guilty. I'm currently 'away' this week and not visiting. It's awful but i need to recharge. Its my first week off in six months. I shall go see her tomorrow and see if she's noticed. I don't want to go but no-one else will visit.
I find the constant asking why she can't go home horrible.
I'm now reading a book about guilt and that is helping me make sense of some of my feelings.
Good luck. X
Sent from my GT-I8160 using Talking Point mobile app
Delphie, you said...
"I just don't like to be that woman who put her mum in a care home and skipped off to get on with her life."
No, you are being the woman who made her mother happier by staying out of her way.
Something in you is triggering a "button", a "demon", or the planets Mars (anger) or Saturn (the critic) in her if you'd like to look at it astrologically.
Eckhart Tolle would say your pain body was clashing with her pain body (you can google him and read about the pain body). It is feeding on the pain, yours and hers and that is why you feel this compulsion to go and see her, it is the pain body's compulsion to go and be hurt yet again.
You have to get into mind and look at the situation quite objectively.
Happiness for both of you lies in staying away.
"I just don't like to be that woman who put her mum in a care home and skipped off to get on with her life."
No, you are being the woman who made her mother happier by staying out of her way.
Something in you is triggering a "button", a "demon", or the planets Mars (anger) or Saturn (the critic) in her if you'd like to look at it astrologically.
Eckhart Tolle would say your pain body was clashing with her pain body (you can google him and read about the pain body). It is feeding on the pain, yours and hers and that is why you feel this compulsion to go and see her, it is the pain body's compulsion to go and be hurt yet again.
You have to get into mind and look at the situation quite objectively.
Happiness for both of you lies in staying away.
Wise words.
I think that a big part of this is that I actually don't want to be going to see her. I certainly wouldn't be visiting very often if she was at home and healthy. For both of us, semi-regular phone calls were enough.
Then suddenly this disease swooped down on us both and completely changed a dynamic we'd learnt to live with. She resented my intrusion into her life, I resented that I had to intrude. An only child, no other family or friends around, to leave her to strangers was unthinkable.
So the fact that I want to skip off to get on with my life is fuelling the guilt too. I can't in all honesty say I'd love to be seeing my lovely old mum as much as possible but sadly I can't because her illness won't allow it (though I can imagine the pain of being in that situation too). Nope, the harsh truth is this is playing out very well for me now. She was going to be sectioned if I hadn't gone for residential care, the care home is great, and I'm being told not to bother with too much contact. Maybe it's some weird version of 'survivor's guilt'.
I think that a big part of this is that I actually don't want to be going to see her. I certainly wouldn't be visiting very often if she was at home and healthy. For both of us, semi-regular phone calls were enough.
Then suddenly this disease swooped down on us both and completely changed a dynamic we'd learnt to live with. She resented my intrusion into her life, I resented that I had to intrude. An only child, no other family or friends around, to leave her to strangers was unthinkable.
So the fact that I want to skip off to get on with my life is fuelling the guilt too. I can't in all honesty say I'd love to be seeing my lovely old mum as much as possible but sadly I can't because her illness won't allow it (though I can imagine the pain of being in that situation too). Nope, the harsh truth is this is playing out very well for me now. She was going to be sectioned if I hadn't gone for residential care, the care home is great, and I'm being told not to bother with too much contact. Maybe it's some weird version of 'survivor's guilt'.
