am I evil to think like this?

[Greekophile]

Evil? I think not

Here I have been castigating myself since my husband was diagnosed with dementia only last September by secretly thinking he would be better off dead - he is in the early stages and from what I have learned so far things will only get worse and worse for him. I query what kind of "life" he will have in a couple of years' time if he goes down hill fast as I understand can happen - what will happen to him if I am not around - my brain is fuzzy with fatigue just thinking about it - if you are evil (and I don't consider you are) then I must be beyond evil. The man I married almost 54 years ago is just not here anymore even though his body is - he is a stranger who has changed beyond recognition, bad tempered, frustrated and accusatory - not at all the lovely mild gentle man he was. If he were an animal (and are we not all animals) consideration would be given to him being "put down". Don't misunderstand me I AM NOT advocating such a move but the thought has crossed my mind. So evil, no - possibly just practical? Sorry this turned out to be a bit of a rant - having a bad day today - - five years as a prognosis - well my lovely daughter in law's Mum has been diagnosed for nearly 7 years now and although frail is still "with" us. - Greekophile

 

[Greekophile]

Ps

Can I join the Evil Worts (Stars) too? At this rate we will be a choir not a duet!!!

 

[Shedrech]

May I add my voice to the Evil Stars, Worts and all - and can we sign up Gareth Malone to coach us? First number 'Bat out of Hell' ?
I've rushed (hardly seems the apt word in all that snow) over to dad's 3 times in the past week as he hasn't answered his phone even after several attempts to call him - mostly wanting to make sure he's fine AND hardly daring to hope this might be the moment when I find him 'asleep' in his chair after a massive split second stroke. Then we could all relax and mourn.
Instead - he's been out in slippers and no coat shovelling snow, no phone in his pocket. Of course he doesn't relate that to being shaky because he's cleared snow rather than had breakfast or lunch, or that his joints ache and he's shivering in the house when he finally agrees to come in (it's sunny so it must be warm).
And, yes, I know that I should be pleased that he's still physically able to move the snow and that he's still here to angry at - but OHHHHHHHHHHH
No, not evil, just snatching at bubbles

 

[Owly]

No - we are Angels

Come on people, stop viewing yourselves as some kind of satanic darkness....

It is angelic to wish an end to suffering (and future suffering) both for your relative with dementia and for everyone involved, bearing in mind that stress (both emotional and mental) can make it more likely that the carer(s) will have mental difficulties of their own later on.

Even my Dad says he hopes my Mum will "go back to spirit" before she gets much worse and certainly before she might have to go into a home.

He's not evil and neither am I for wishing the same, nor is anyone on this thread/forum.

Lighten up everyone.

 

[britlec]

Or The Evil Worts!

How about the Wicked Worts!)
Whatever it's called - count me in. I love my father to pieces and I know that when he dies I shall be devastated and miss him dreadfully but I can't count the number of times I have watched him sleeping and wished that he wouldn't wake up. Mainly for his sake - at 91 with painful inoperable carcinomas and advanced vascular dementia he can no longer walk and is dependent on others for everything - but also, if I am honest, for mine.
The trouble is that medical care is able to keep people living longer but not necessarily with a satisfactory quality of life. This is awful of me I know - but when I heard of a friend whose father was sent home from hospital with an inoperable tumour and died after 10 days, four of which in a coma - I envied her. To see someone you love dying by inches, losing a tiny bit of independence and dignity every day, week by week, year after year, is soul-destroying.

 

[datcat101]

No just a normal human being.

I am on the other side of it all now and don't get me wrong I miss my Mum like mad. Of course when I say my Mum I mean the woman she was before the dementia started taking her away bit by bit and left a shell that looked like Mum,had Mums voice and Mums smoking habit, but was not my Mum.

And every day I used to hope that this would be the day I would find her right up until the day I had a breakdown and she had to go into a care home and even then I would hope for that call.

The day when she died I was actually happy because it meant that My Mum was free and the woman with dementia , well I'm glad shes gone. She was angry, frightened,confused and all the other stuff that goes hand in hand with dementia and had nothing but loss of facilities to look forwards to.

I am sorry if I offend anyone with this, but it is truly how I felt and still feel.

 

[Witzend]

I am sorry if I offend anyone with this, but it is truly how I felt and still feel.

You certainly don't offend me.

I have just written a post about all the countless health-preserving meds so often given to very elderly people with severe dementia and a very poor quality of life. But I have deleted it since it would probably come under the heading of 'saying the unsayable' , not to mention getting me chucked off TP.

 

[Timeout]

I actually wish we hadn't started mum on Aricept 5 years ago when she was diagnosed. Sheis now at the late moderate stage but the decline has been incredibly slow - she's been 7 years with the disease now, still continent and mobile but devoid of personality, in a care home and is constantly anxious, questioning and unsettled. We were delighted when she got Aricept as there was a bit of a postcode lottery of getting it at the time but all I think it's done it drag out her pitiful life.

 

[Farmergirl]

I totally agree with the sentiments here. It is morally wrong, I feel, to keep someone alive at all costs. If my mum was in her right mind she would be horrified to see what she had become.
I have told my chioldren that if i develop it, the minute I start complaining that MI5 are tapping my phone they are to get my stupidly drunk and then smother me - but to make it look like an accident so they dont get into trouble.

If I have a dog that is at the end of its useful life and is in pain, distress and not mentally right, I give it that last kindness - but society says we cant do that to humans. Very wrong. How can prescribing stuff to prolong the agony be right?

If I could 'know' for a fact that getting mum off the Exelon patches would release her quicker, yes, Id have them stopped.

 

[Jaycee23]

If we was to develop dementia what could we do to make sure we are not put on any medication, life lengthening pills etc. If I was to get this terrible disease I would want to die. When mum first was ill they put her on Aricept and she continued to tell me she did not want anyone and she did not want strangers coming in her house. The problem was her sobbing hysterically every day. How can someone ignore that? Part of me wished she just died and part wished she stayed my mum. I have had to stand down from the LPOA due to abuse from siblings and now I am worried that if she lives for years they are worried about their inheritance and I will get abuse as a result of that.

 

[uselessdaughter]

Me too!

Another member of the band (what we decide to call it) here. Unfortunately I can't carry a tune in a bucket, so maybe I could play the triangle in the background? There again I've not got much rythym either. Could I just mime?

A few years ago when Dad went missing on a day trip to the seaside, I was convinced he'd be washed up on the beach. I'm afraid I thought at the time (this was about 5 years in), thank God it's over, he won't have to go through the final stages and we won't have to continue going through life dreading the phone ringing. But dear old Dad, ever resourceful, just made his own way home by taxi! Bless him.

When he phoned to say he was home I shouted "where the bl**dy h**l have you been?? He just answered very calmly "to the seaside". I was in bits on the other end and he just couldn't understand what all the fuss was about.

 

[TaraT]

And me....

I've spent the last 5 years sharing the care of my mum and she has just been sectioned. I feel guilty saying that although it was the worst situation I have been in and words cannot describe how awful...... but with her being in hospital I've been on holiday, out at weekends. I'm basically doing as much as I can until she comes back out again and my life returns to working, cleaning and mum-sitting (like you I also get shouted at etc..)

I feel complete relief that she is being looked after and I'm not on the phone 5 times a day making sure she hasn't wandered off. We now need to make a decision about her coming home and I feel so bad saying this but I really want them to keep her for a bit longer so that I can cling on a bit longer to "normal life".

Sometimes it just gets too much!

 

[Witzend]

A few years ago when Dad went missing on a day trip to the seaside, I was convinced he'd be washed up on the beach. I'm afraid I thought at the time (this was about 5 years in), thank God it's over, he won't have to go through the final stages and we won't have to continue going through life dreading the phone ringing.

My mother broke a hip at 91 or 2 (I lose track) and of course the medics warned me that this could be the beginning of the end, as it so often is at that age. And all I could think was, well, given the pitiful state she's in, how can I think that'd be so terrible? Sad in many ways, yes, but she'd already had a very long life - a lot longer than many people enjoy - and mostly a pretty good one.

But she came through it all fine - that was maybe 3 years ago now.

 

[drmclarke]

May I add my voice to the Evil Stars, Worts and all - and can we sign up Gareth Malone to coach us? First number 'Bat out of Hell' ?

Thank you so much for this thought - kept me grinning (and singing under my breath) all morning!

 

[Corriefan]

This really made me smile. I would also love to join the Evil Worts. I can be the PR manager or maybe do the filming of their first single. Lol.

 

[Anongirl]

Ha ha Corriefan I love it!

 

[CollegeGirl]

Oh no, what have I started? Britain's Got Talent won't know what's hit 'em. They'll have to build a bigger venue to fit us all in.

PS - I didn't intend to make light of anyone's feelings, I do hope no-one on this thread is upset at the turn it's taken. But sometimes you have to laugh, or ...

PPS - I would LOVE to be coached by Gareth Malone! I have a feeling we'd turn into the Laughing Wicked Worts though

 

[Miss Merlot]

I sometimes think I am the most evil (certainly the most offensive, or so I'm told at any rate...) person on this forum. And outside of dementia would never put myself in that category!

When people report their dementia relative has died, I honestly think "ooh you jammy person, why are you here complaining and not overjoyed, it's hardly like they were anywhere approximating the true person you knew and loved anyway, was it...?".

When people come here talking about grandparents and other distant relatives whom they have no direct moral obligation to care for (unless that person served as proxy mum or dad or something), I genuinely wonder why they don't just simply leave it to own mum and dad and get on with their own young life instead... I certainly would.

Every day (several times, if truth be told) I do pray for my AD MIL (who by comparison to many on here is practically in fine fettle - but a mere "non person" shell of an individual to me, who has only known her in the time she's had dementia) to just hurry up and die, so we can finally have our lives back again, and not have to squander any more of our own precious free (or even not so free) time and sanity making sure her incessant and (most of the time) irrational needs are met...

Expect the above will probably be the final straw for me on this site, but, in all honesty, I really don't care at this point - it's few on here who are truly honest about how they are really feeling about their afflicted "loved" one...

Now that's evil!!!

 

[Miss Merlot]

Oh never mind

 

[bulmer]

No you are not evil

If your evil so am I,we are only human we do what we can.Good Luck