My way - Dealing with Loss

[BeckyJan]

I am hoping to make this a positive Thread mainly because I need to boost my own positive thoughts.

I am coping most of the time. When David died and up to his funeral I kept myself very busy, planning his funeral and benefitting from the support of family and friends. Then there was a gap when I was busy with catching up with domestic stuff. I went away for a few days last week on a pre planned break with 11 other women most of whom had been in a similar situation. They were great to be with.

So this weekend has been the first of feeling more than slightly bereft. I missed my hours of visiting David and just being with him. I have probate forms, donations to send off and many thank you letters – but somehow I need to light my fire.

Yes I will do it, but it may take time. Please share your experiences and maybe we can find comfort and ‘deal with our loss’ in the best possible way.

 

[Skye]

Jan, in common with many others, I can relate to your feelings. The first time you're really on your own after the funeral is devastating. There is such a huge gap that can never be filled.

I also relate to your missing the visits. Like you, I visited every day, and, and that in itself leaves a gap. For a long time my visits to John were the highlight of my day, indeed my social life.

I'm feeling pretty down myself this weekend. Yesterday would have been John's birthday. On his last birthday two years ago he sat up, smiled, enjoyed his visitors (and his cake), and gave every sign of being happy. Two weeks later, he choked on his food and a week later that was the end. So, so sad.

Sorry, I'm not being very positive here, but I really want to. Most of the time I'm fine, though of course I miss John every day. But I get on with things, spend time with friends, weed the garden (when it's not raining!)

Jan, the pain won't go away, but it will become more bearable, and from time to time it won't even be there - until it jumps up and hits you again. But the intervals do get longer.

You did everything possible for David, and that too helps. And I know you have your daughters and lots of friends. They will see you through the hard times. Don't be afraid to use them, people like to be needed.

I'll end with our dear Connie's words. I know she wouldn't mind me borrowing them.

'Stay strong, sweetheart.'

Love,

 

[lin1]

Hello Jan
Sending you a

Be kind to yourself, its very early days yet

Hopefully you will find the following funny , I know i did at the end

It took me several weeks to do the probate and inheritance tax forms for mum, their is no real rush, other than knowing they are there lurking , I Had started to do a rough draft of one but.....

one day I decided it was D day, I had put it on long enough
so I picked up a form settled down to do the probate form.

(Its funny honest, well I think it is)

Oh what A struggle , it seemed as though they wanted to know the in's and outs of a ducks er rear end through anger and tears I stuggled on , often thinking ,this is only the probate form and this is tough enough, god help me when I do the inheritance tax form.

It was only when I sat down at the computer to it on the pc as it would be much nicer than my untidy scrawl, that I realised I had done the dreaded inheritance tax form instead and it worked out all the figures for me too , I was impressed that I had got them all correct boy was I a happy bunny

 

[BeckyJan]

I have some basic questions to ask so a phone call necessary tomorrow.
Hopefully I will be a happy bunny too, Lin.

 

[florence43]

Dear Jan,

I can also relate to a lot of what you describe. The adrenalin that keeps us going throughout the most trying times just seems to disappear, once the funeral has happened.

As much as I dreaded all the visits to mum in the NH, I would yearn for them once she'd gone. It was crazy. As if I really wanted to keep that torment and sadness going, yet I felt so empty. I had this period of time after losing her where I felt stripped of emotion. My sister felt exactly the same, and we were really worried that it meant we felt nothing. Because we felt....nothing. I have never been without emotion and for about 3 weeks that's exactly what it was. I simply functioned. The world had become a very different place and there was a feeling I was supposed to be somewhere.

Then...something clicked one day, and the reality hit me. She'd gone. And I would never see her again. Wow. That was a big thought and it was overwhelmingly strong. Suddenly all the emotions were there...all at the same time: immense sorrow, pain, sadness, self-pity, relief, shock, heart-ache.... In one measure they were a lot to contend with. But I don't know what it was that provoked them. I had a little voice that would repeat over and over the words "mum died" and some days I would think..."mmm, ok, I'm alright..." and other days the voice would start and I would feel like collapsing with grief so I'd push the voice away.

But there have been so many different stages I have hit, each one of them bringing their own questions. I have searched my soul and broken my heart over and over again, with each stage, but 9 months down the line...I'm a little stronger. All the "firsts" are hard. The birthdays, the anniversaries... Then the random days...the sounds and smells that bring it all back.

For me, it's a different pain. I'm reminded every day of my mum when I look in the mirror. I saw it last night and said to my husband that I don't think I like seeing my mum when I look in the mirror. It's bad enough that I have her hands, but when I catch myself in a shop window or a reflection in the bathroom mirror...I see mum looking back at me and I'm not yet ok with that. It's supposed to be me... And I never realised how much of her is in me, until I stopped seeing her face. Her real face.

But then to lose a husband? Well, that emptiness is a whole different thing, and I have learned to value and love my husband so much more since joining TP. I try not to take him for granted and I sometimes think what would happen if I ever lost him... I just can't go there. It's too awful.

So to lose a mum is excruciating and so it is to lose a husband. The hole is too deep. But I find that to keep going, we only have to picture them, remember them and live for them. To make it all worth the pain, we need to make them proud.

That's been my strength, plus the love we shared for each other. Powerful stuff...love.

Take little steps and be prepared to fall now and then. I have a few grazes from my falls, but I'm definitely alright and not too deeply scarred...

Hope you'll be alright too, in time, xxxx

 

[larivy]

Hi jan it is early days yet I find some days better then others I still can't go into the Tescos that I used to take mum too and I hate going shopping now we used to spend the whole day looking in shops and having loads of tea stops mum loved it but it's not the same now I never stop for a drink
Like Annie I can really see mum in me more by the things I say I have noticed this week I say things and then I think that's just like mum would say
Bertie has been my lifeline I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for him he gives me a reason to get up in the morning and I've never done so much walking I find keeping my self busy helps alot I have been looking at some photos of the holidays I had with mum this weekend and I realise the great memories I have that no one can take away
I do miss her lots but I know she would want me to carry on with my life and be happy and I hope I can and make her proud of me like I was of her
Thinking of you jan don't forget you still owe me a bag of chips love larivy

 

[Saffie]

Hi Jan
I've only just noticed this thread. I think that you must be feeling absolutley bereft, not just slightly. Your life has been taken up with David, the visiting, the worry, the organizing of his care and needs - and the love. It would be unusual if you didn't feel as though the rug had been pulled fron beneath you. So, it wasn't sudden but I don't think we are ever really accepting of the finality that comes with death no matter how much we have prepared ourselves for it. You have been so brave and your words at David's funeral were so moving and heartfelt.

The days leading up to the funeral are busy ones and it is only when this is past and life continues its daily pattern that hits us that this is real and by this time others have returned to their own routines and the bereaved are so often left to grieve alone. I only know this from my parents' deaths but it must be so much more true of a husband, wife or partner. I dread this day.

I hope that you are able to find ways to manage the grief I know you are feeling. You seem to have such a positive outlook and I'm sure that will help you as will the support of those here on TP that have experienced what you are going through and can share their thoughts with you.
Sending love and sympathy. XXX

 

[Helen33]

Morning Jan,

Like Saffie I have only just seen this thread!!

Two things sprang to mind immediately. 1) that I came to stay with you for a while fairly soon after Alan died and how lovely and peaceful that was and 2) how I began to loathe Sundays Sundays were the days that I felt absolutely alone. I couldn't reach out to people when I felt so low because I was afraid that I would worry them. I was also aware that most people needed a break themselves and needed to spend time with their own families or spend time resting themselves.

It came to me very early on that I knew I did not want to spend the rest of my life like this and it was up to me to change the situation. I needed some Sunday companions. People to go cycling and/or walking with. Once I found some people with which to do these things I felt much better.

Your situation is much different though in that you have had to create a life for yourself over the past couple of years once David was not able to continue living at home. This life though had to be minimal because your dedication was to David and all that that involved. Once the person dies there is a massive hole. Not just the loss of the person but everything surrounding that person. There is no need to drive there every day, there is no need to worry (which takes up loads of internal space), there is no need for so many things - all creating a big gap.

What has helped me most of all is that I always feel Alan is right here. It was really the Sundays that I felt the most bereft.

Love

 

[BeckyJan]

My way again of dealing with loss, again!! Just sharing this link as it really sets me off and I hope part of bringing grief to the surface. I behave so normally with my daily events and local friends, its like I am acting
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNA7DcVppEs&feature=related

 

[Helen33]

Dear Jan, I've just listened to the link and no wonder it sets you off. David really was the best. You're not acting. The thing is that it is us who are left 'living' and it can be very hard at times knowing that there is an essential part of our lives that is missing.

Love and a (HUG)

 

[Grannie G]

Dear Jan

Maybe this song does set you off but how wonderful for you to have shared your life with one of the best.

 

[Christin]

Hello Jan, I can't pretend to understand what it is like to lose your partner because I haven't experienced that. I do think that sometimes, however, grief works it way to the surface in its own time. Often I have felt something small triggers that deep outpouring of emotion, and not the real cause of it.

Dear Jan, its early days for you. Take your time. xx

 

[BeckyJan]

Thank you Helen, Sylvia and Christin - just for being there and understanding.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Just sending you kind thoughts Jan. I have never experienced the loss of a lifelong spouse, so I don't fully know the depth of your grief, I just hope you will find a way through it supported by your friends and your family. With love.x

 

[Butter]

Dear Jan,

I have just read your thread and I was wondering how you were getting on. I very much like your idea of a positive thread on bereavement and I have been musing on the posts you have had.

And I have just listened to Carly Simon - and have been reminded of the husband I have lost. He is still alive but much of him has gone.

Over the years I have noticed that people who have enjoyed 'happy' marriages have also gone on to manage 'happy' lives after bereavement. Not for a while, of course. And never the same again, of course. I think it's a combination of what Helen says - learning to live with the husband you've lost, when he's not there. And that is not a contradiction in terms. A kind of wrapping him up in the arms of your life on your own. And what Sylvia says: the joy of the life you had, which can never be taken away.

I hope you don't think this is an impertinance as I am not widowed in fact. And I don't believe being widowed can be compared to anything else. But I do think you carry your life together, and him, on with you as you go. And rather than that weighing you down, it may in time come to give you strength and even hope.

With my warmest wishes - Butter

 

[BeckyJan]

Thanks Butter and everyone else for your kind comments.

Still trying to stay positive. The strange and hard thing now is that I am missing David as he was pre dementia, the lively dynamic guy who made me laugh. I miss his hugs and kindness.

Despite many moments of sadness I am ploughing on with life. Folk used to ask ‘what will you do when David has gone?’ I nearly always replied 'much as I do now but more of everything'. So that is just how it is and my life seems crammed. Still waiting for Grant of Probate to come through and now I have tax papers to complete – it all seems never ending.

I drove down to Bournville today to our eldest daughter and family. When David was in the NH I always called in to see him on the way out and on return. So it was odd passing the place and still half believing he was still there. Anyway rather than stay glum I called at a rather nice garden centre en route, bought an orchid for our daughter and a blue plant for our grandson and a pink one for our granddaughter. The little ones are quite thrilled and each is now sitting in their bedrooms.

They have gone off to Church now and I am about to put the pre prepared lasagna in the oven. It all feels quite ordinary but lovely.

Tomorrow is our grandson’s birthday so after the initial excitement we are off to the BBC Centre in Birmingham followed by lunch at his favourite place.

So all is well.

 

[Grannie G]

I love the idea of the pink and blue plants Jan. Inspired.

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Your daughter and grandchildren are blessed to have you in their lives, Jan x

 

[Bronwen]

Hello Jan..as you knowI am several months away from Trevor's death now and can understand your feelings so much.

I too am now remembering the fun loving man I marriedand all his caring and thoughtfulness, rather than the sad, helpless man who died...I find now I need to talk about him alot but so many friends and family try not to as they don't want to upset me.

I am now going out with friends and family for lunch, coffee mornings (there are only so many of those I can take!), helping at local charity shop etc,but a remark I read in the paper yesterday summed my feelings so well and I am sure you will resonate with it.."I have lots of people to do things with, but I have no one to do nothing with"

love
Bronwen

 

[Izzy]

Wow Bronwen - I would imagine that says it all. Thinking of you and Jan and others in your situation. x