my mom died 1 month ago from alzeimersw. she was my best friend who loved me unconditionally. i cry and cry. i cant even write without crying. maybe a few days alone might help. i dont know anymore. i cann barely eat and sleep. i just wish i said I LOVE YOU more often. it was in my heart. why didnt i say it?i have no parents left. my dad died 17 years ago from cancer, but she was there. i love them the same. my mom was beautifulk and wise and all of a sudden didnt even know me or my husband or son. i never felt so alone in my life. im lost and i feel theres no one for me anymore. sure my husband and son are a great support, but i need my mom right now to guide me. i am educated, but compared to her wiseness im nothing.i miss her advice. i miss her here with me. i miss it all. i loved her with all my heart. no matter what she was there and now i sometimes want to reach for the phonbe, but i know realistically shes not there. remember mom---in love you so.
my mom--my precious mom
- Thread starter chana
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Chana I have no doubt that your mum knew that you loved her. I know how much it hurts and it's good you have been able to write about how you feel here. Please keep coming to Talking Point. There will be many people here who will help and support you. Take care. x
Chana
My Mum died just this last Sunday and i know exactly how you feel. i still say we instead of I. I cared for her at home right up until she was admitted to hospital 3 weeks ago and then I went in every day right up until her last day. I was with her in her last hour and at that time I held her hand, told her I loved her and then said that if it was to hard and she needed to go then she was to go. she left us when I was just outside the room with my brother and sister. I find comfort that I had a feeling of her spirally out of the window and into the arms of my Dad who died 15 yrs ago and then being surrounded by al her family that had gone before. I don't think it's really hit me yet because we are in the midst of organising everything but I feel that she has never left me, she is with me because I loved her and the loving was also in the letting go. You must take things at your own pace, there's no timetable for grieving but perhaps when you feel stronger you can start a memorty book of yiur Mum's life. I had one ready for her to go into the nursing hiome, she was due to be discharged from hospital on monday, and though it was supposed to be my gift to her i now find that it is her final gift to me.
Thinking of you and sending you strength
Jude
My Mum died just this last Sunday and i know exactly how you feel. i still say we instead of I. I cared for her at home right up until she was admitted to hospital 3 weeks ago and then I went in every day right up until her last day. I was with her in her last hour and at that time I held her hand, told her I loved her and then said that if it was to hard and she needed to go then she was to go. she left us when I was just outside the room with my brother and sister. I find comfort that I had a feeling of her spirally out of the window and into the arms of my Dad who died 15 yrs ago and then being surrounded by al her family that had gone before. I don't think it's really hit me yet because we are in the midst of organising everything but I feel that she has never left me, she is with me because I loved her and the loving was also in the letting go. You must take things at your own pace, there's no timetable for grieving but perhaps when you feel stronger you can start a memorty book of yiur Mum's life. I had one ready for her to go into the nursing hiome, she was due to be discharged from hospital on monday, and though it was supposed to be my gift to her i now find that it is her final gift to me.
Thinking of you and sending you strength
Jude
Chana - and Jude too.I sit here with tears in my eyes because you are suffering so-and because that suffering is just what I went through 30 years ago when my mother died after having Alzheimer's. I could never have envisaged a life without my mother and I missed her terribly as she changed form the wise, caring mother she had always been to someone I could barely recognise.
The pain is hard for you to bear now but it will get better, it really will. It never completely goes away but it becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. The recent memories of your mother's illlness will diminish and be replaced, very gradually, with memories of the years before dementia, the happier ones and they will bring you comfort and pleasure. Life will go on and your mother will go on too, living in your heart.
lotes of sympathy and love XXX
The pain is hard for you to bear now but it will get better, it really will. It never completely goes away but it becomes a part of you and you learn to live with it. The recent memories of your mother's illlness will diminish and be replaced, very gradually, with memories of the years before dementia, the happier ones and they will bring you comfort and pleasure. Life will go on and your mother will go on too, living in your heart.
lotes of sympathy and love XXX
My thoughts are with you today Chana. Keep posting we are a wonderful group with amazing virtual hugs and completely real understanding.
HUGS xx
HUGS xx
Your Mum knew without you telling her, and I am sure she will always watch over you and thats a surety, this time will get easier, 5 years on - and I am back on TP with another family member suffering, but TP helps greatly, its now bought those feelings back with MIL and my own parents, BUT it HELPS too, good luck and stay strong. x
I'm so sorry, chana, you obviously feel very low which is perfectly understandable. Keep posting here because I'm sure it will help you. Do you have anyone you can talk to? Maybe someone who is not so closely connected, who can sit and listen and give you a shoulder to cry on for a while? I do hope you start to feel better soon. Please post again and let the lovely people here on TP help just a little. Take care xx
I know already how you feel and my mum is still here I feel the pain in advance of it happening I do not know how people cope I guess some of us are just wired this way and kind words don't stop the pain in your heavy heart - my mum is 87 and still cries over losing her mum when she was just 21 and very innocent sorry this is not very helpful - good and loving parents are so special they give us so much and then they leave us alone and vulnerable and we feel just like children again scared lonely and empty like a part of us has died too sxxx
Hello Chana,
Guess what! My mum is still alive, I am having to put her in a home, and I'm just gutted too. So I can relate a lot to your feelings. This is what grief is all about.
As this is a dementia forum, and Mum has Alzheimers, I thought I would do her the honour of sharing what she would have to say to you today, as you mourne and grieve the wonderful mother you had.
1) And this too shall pass.
2) Talk to her as if she were within reach. Mum knows that Dad was there for her even though he died 20 years ago. Mum once fell and banged her head on the tarmac, it could have happened anywhere, but it happened just outside the window as I was looking out. We both felt Dad had a hand in ensuring a safe place to injure herself. Once when things were bad for Mum and she was very low, she 'found' his walking stick in the sunroom.... no explanation but he had been dead for about 6 years. She felt he was telling her to "Lean on me." The stories are numerous, but I think you will get the gist. Your Mum is there for you, in death as in life. Why would a wonderful mother stop caring for you?
So, Chana, talk to her. Tell her how much you love her. How you miss her. You never know, you may just feel she hears you.
3) Here is a poem that gave Mum so much comfort.
All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral
4) And here is something I found in a book, as I too, try to come to terms with the loss of my mother as she was, each day being claimed a tiny bit more by Alzheimers, and I just don't know how to cope with what is to come:
"You must allow yourself to grieve and you must allow yourself to receive the support of friends. There is nothing wrong with grief; it is a very healthy way of coming to terms with disasters and heartbreak."
I know this won't take the pain away, but it did put grief into a more, shall we say, 'positive' context, for me. I cried when the phone rang. I cried more when I answered it. I cry when I read forum posts. I cry when I see the forms I have to fill in to put her in a home. I cry because I can't afford to keep her at home any more. And suddenly, this sentence from a book, made it seem like a "very healthy way" of coping with overwhelming sadness.
5) And right now, do something mindfully. I know mindfulness is a buzz word right now. But I find it can help let other feelings and sensations be experienced, besides those of grief, that is. For example, make yourself a hot, comforting cup of tea. And drink it mindfully. By that, I mean drink it with utter concentration, tune your whole awareness into the process of drinking tea. Notice the heat of the cup. Notice the steam rising. Observe yourself as you take a sip. Notice all the movements and actions/reactions necessary just to take a sip. And swallow. Notice everything about the tea drinking process. Don't judge, just experience. Sometimes this helps me to shift my heavy emotions to the side for a bit.
Bless you. It is an honour to correspond with you, as I know you did love your Mum. If in dount, ever, just read your own post. What a wonderful tribute to a mother-daughter relationship.
Hugs from France
Guess what! My mum is still alive, I am having to put her in a home, and I'm just gutted too. So I can relate a lot to your feelings. This is what grief is all about.
As this is a dementia forum, and Mum has Alzheimers, I thought I would do her the honour of sharing what she would have to say to you today, as you mourne and grieve the wonderful mother you had.
1) And this too shall pass.
2) Talk to her as if she were within reach. Mum knows that Dad was there for her even though he died 20 years ago. Mum once fell and banged her head on the tarmac, it could have happened anywhere, but it happened just outside the window as I was looking out. We both felt Dad had a hand in ensuring a safe place to injure herself. Once when things were bad for Mum and she was very low, she 'found' his walking stick in the sunroom.... no explanation but he had been dead for about 6 years. She felt he was telling her to "Lean on me." The stories are numerous, but I think you will get the gist. Your Mum is there for you, in death as in life. Why would a wonderful mother stop caring for you?
So, Chana, talk to her. Tell her how much you love her. How you miss her. You never know, you may just feel she hears you.
3) Here is a poem that gave Mum so much comfort.
All Is Well
Death is nothing at all,
I have only slipped into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by my old familiar name,
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used
Put no difference in your tone,
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household world that it always was,
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It it the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
1847-1918
Canon of St Paul 's Cathedral
4) And here is something I found in a book, as I too, try to come to terms with the loss of my mother as she was, each day being claimed a tiny bit more by Alzheimers, and I just don't know how to cope with what is to come:
"You must allow yourself to grieve and you must allow yourself to receive the support of friends. There is nothing wrong with grief; it is a very healthy way of coming to terms with disasters and heartbreak."
I know this won't take the pain away, but it did put grief into a more, shall we say, 'positive' context, for me. I cried when the phone rang. I cried more when I answered it. I cry when I read forum posts. I cry when I see the forms I have to fill in to put her in a home. I cry because I can't afford to keep her at home any more. And suddenly, this sentence from a book, made it seem like a "very healthy way" of coping with overwhelming sadness.
5) And right now, do something mindfully. I know mindfulness is a buzz word right now. But I find it can help let other feelings and sensations be experienced, besides those of grief, that is. For example, make yourself a hot, comforting cup of tea. And drink it mindfully. By that, I mean drink it with utter concentration, tune your whole awareness into the process of drinking tea. Notice the heat of the cup. Notice the steam rising. Observe yourself as you take a sip. Notice all the movements and actions/reactions necessary just to take a sip. And swallow. Notice everything about the tea drinking process. Don't judge, just experience. Sometimes this helps me to shift my heavy emotions to the side for a bit.
Bless you. It is an honour to correspond with you, as I know you did love your Mum. If in dount, ever, just read your own post. What a wonderful tribute to a mother-daughter relationship.
Hugs from France
chana im so sorry to hear about your mum
at the moment it hurts
the pain will go and then think of all the good times with her
hugs xx
at the moment it hurts
the pain will go and then think of all the good times with her
hugs xx
Hi Chana,
My care and feelings are in your direction right now. It is a tough place to be and a tough journey to move through and it does get more settled as we adapt. I'm not sure it gets easier yet but it is a massive change in life.
You know, I took comfort and still do from the fact that I am actually half my Mum in my make-up and I believe that if I look to that to help me move on, I do just that. I remember putting on her funeral message that I am proud to be of her and from her. I am walking now with my head held high and I smile about that so often.
She always said to 'embrace the situation and carry on'.
I know the pain of losing Mum and I hope that time helps you to find reason to move on as well. You don't leave her behind you know. You are taking her with you wherever you go and you are expressing that huge amount of love in every tear you feel and every sadness you go through. Take comfort from that as it shows your depth of love and passion for her.
Grieving is so important right now and you are doing what you are feeling and that is absolutely all you can and all you ever should do.
Take care Chana and don't expect anything more of yourself than your gut, your emotions and you feelings tell you to ... and go at your own pace. It will get better.
Thinking of you,
Ax
My care and feelings are in your direction right now. It is a tough place to be and a tough journey to move through and it does get more settled as we adapt. I'm not sure it gets easier yet but it is a massive change in life.
You know, I took comfort and still do from the fact that I am actually half my Mum in my make-up and I believe that if I look to that to help me move on, I do just that. I remember putting on her funeral message that I am proud to be of her and from her. I am walking now with my head held high and I smile about that so often.
She always said to 'embrace the situation and carry on'.
I know the pain of losing Mum and I hope that time helps you to find reason to move on as well. You don't leave her behind you know. You are taking her with you wherever you go and you are expressing that huge amount of love in every tear you feel and every sadness you go through. Take comfort from that as it shows your depth of love and passion for her.
Grieving is so important right now and you are doing what you are feeling and that is absolutely all you can and all you ever should do.
Take care Chana and don't expect anything more of yourself than your gut, your emotions and you feelings tell you to ... and go at your own pace. It will get better.
Thinking of you,
Ax
*tears* - I only have to read this to know you loved her, to know that she knew you did, loss creates this feeling of 'if only' and 'what if' but your extreme love and respect for you mum is screaming off the page.
It's a great loss, there is nothing can change it chana, time might dull it but it will always be a loss. Try to keep in mind that she knows nothing now, like she's asleep, at peace and it is you who feel the pain, not her - when I think like this about my dad, it makes me feel a bit better because he is ok, he doesn't know and I must just get on.
I am dreading losing my mum, it's a sickening fear and the price one pays for love
Take care chana x
my mom...my precxious mom
i can never put into words the kindness you are showing me in this difficult period. this is the worst time of my life. sure i have my husband and son---but a mom---i cry so much.i used to send her cards to put under her pillow before she died. the aide would read them to her, but im sure she didnt understand. i told her when the card is there hold it tight and its the same as brad (my husband) and i are holding your hand. well never let go because when we hold onto you youll be strong. the strentgh comes from the 3 of us holding on forever. thankk you again so much. you are a wonderful, caring person.i wish the world were like you. i cant stop crying from your compassion and kindness. thank you again so much.
i can never put into words the kindness you are showing me in this difficult period. this is the worst time of my life. sure i have my husband and son---but a mom---i cry so much.i used to send her cards to put under her pillow before she died. the aide would read them to her, but im sure she didnt understand. i told her when the card is there hold it tight and its the same as brad (my husband) and i are holding your hand. well never let go because when we hold onto you youll be strong. the strentgh comes from the 3 of us holding on forever. thankk you again so much. you are a wonderful, caring person.i wish the world were like you. i cant stop crying from your compassion and kindness. thank you again so much.
