Home alone

[waterfall]

Hi just wanted to share your grief with you. My Husband went into full time care 2 years ago at the age of 57, the alternative being a section which I didnot want.
I know exactly how you feel,I went every day to see him even though he is 19 miles away and it broke my heart. I have since been able to get part time work which has helped me socialise again and brought a little confidence back. I still miss my Husband so much and go to visit him when I am not working and at the weekends. But nothing takes the pain away it just becomes easier to bear. I cared for my Husband for 6 years on my own untill it effected my mental and physical health and would still do it now if I could, and sometimes I seem to think I can. In reality I know I cannot, but I know he is well looked after and I will never stop missing and Loving him, Be strong, you are in my mind and I know how hard it is. Life is so unfair !
Waterfall.xxxx

 

[hiphop]

hello from hiphop this is the first time i have spoke on this site.Jan my hubby is 58 and i put him in a home last june.You need time and friends .I felt the same ifound it hard still do.But i am just having happy times now as well as sad ones. you are not alone.xx

 

[Loopiloo]

Dear Jan

You are doing very well trying to stay positive. Better than I have done. So many here could have been me writing, such similar thoughts and emotions. I don't think I will ever get used to being home alone. But I am older than most of you, we have been married over 53 years, with a third party, dementia, in the marriage for 9 years.

I'm not wallowing in self pity, I put the face on as most of us do with others, and you do just have to get on with it all as best you can. But it is hard and I think the only people who can understand are those who have lived through it, are living through it.

I'm glad you are here on TP, Jan, and also others who have written here and struggling in the early period of your life's partner living 'away from home'. TP gives so much, I wish I had found it earlier and have had tremendous caring kindness and support which has help me through difficult times which would have floored me going it alone. I am sure you, Jan, and others will benefit considerably from being here.

Your husband sounds to have got off to a good start which must be a tremendouse comfort to you, Jan. May you enjoy many precious moments together.

Not expressing myself very well, so I'll stop! Save my meal from burning!

Love and thoughts
Loo xx

 

[Night-owl]

OK to be sad

My heart ached at your 'Home alone' title! My mother has been in care since Nov., but it still feels like yesterday. Please don't doubt your decision that residential care was necessary, I'm sure it was the right one. Sadness is natural. Also please don't feel guilty about allowing your husband to think you're in a nearby room. I think that allowing our loved ones to feel secure is important, and so I do sometimes let Mum believe things that are not factually true. Actually, it's just occurred to me that the word 'factual' is interesting because what your husband is in fact believing is true in a more vital way: your heart is close to him and always will be, won't it ?
Love and blessings, xx

 

[Bastan]

Dear Jan,

Sorry for the late response, I've been without a computer for a week (but that's another story.)

So many of us have unfortunately been in this sad position. My heart really does go out to you. I can remember my husband (Nats) leaving home 19 months ago as if it were yesterday. He was 59 at the time, so young just like your dear husband.

I went through so many emotions, from relief to despair, I cried an ocean, I ate for England, I didn't clean my house, I didn't wash. My daughters told me I stank and I didn't care. I only got dressed to visit Nats. And through all this the lovely people on TP understood.

There was no sudden time when I magically felt better, but through reading and writing so many threads things somehow got better. I learnt from our wise Grannie G to have Bastan days, on these days I don't go to visit him and I make them 'act as if days' when I pretend all is well in my world. I think you know Nan, well on occasion she spent a Thursday with a good friend of hers and I named them Nan's Thursday's and vowed to have a couple of these myself.

It is never easy, I don't see how it can be, however, sometimes it is easier to accept our situation than other times. It helps me to live in the moment as much as possible, focusing only on the present, somehow, this helps to switch of my 'chatterbox' which is filled with should's and oughts and can drive me to distraction.

I no longer have to tell white lies to Nats as he has no awareness left. But there was a time when it was kinder to do so. So please don't feel bad about it.

I hope you find peace in your days and get some sleep at night.

We are here for you.

lots of love Bastan xxx

 

[jan.s]

Dear Bastan
I am so sorry to hear that Nats is so poorly, that is the phase I dread most, but wil no doubt cope with it.

Thank you so much - you made me cry because I started to realise that all the things I think and feel are normal. I have and still do cry for the loss of my soul mate at home, I too am going through the rollercoaster of emotions - today is a good day, but yesterday not so; tomorrow, who knows?

You have made me feel like I'm not failing at life, but just being normal. I so want to get back to my energetic self, but at the moment, getting out of bed can be a challenge, especially as I don't get to sleep until about 3.00 am. I talk to people and pretend I'm OK, when underneath I'm screaming.

I am lucky that R has settled so well and is very happy. I love to see his humour coming back. I try to enjoy the day with him, because none of us knows what is round the corner.

Thank you so much for your post.
Love
Jan x

 

[Margaret-Ann]

May I help you Jan?

My name is Margaret-Ann and my husband Ray and I live (location removed by Moderator)in Hertfordshire. I notice that you are in Essex which is not too far away. Where exactly do you live? (Sentence removed) Here is a brief history of our situation - I am aged just 72 and Ray will be 72 in September. Fortunately he is only in the early stages of having vascular dementia but, having read your letter, I wonder if I will be following in your footsteps when his dementia progresses.
With love from Ray and myself.
Margaret-Ann and Ray
28/04/12