Not coping that well...

[Lynne]

Thanks be ... I'm so, SO relieved that things seem to be slotting into place to resolve matters. And, of course, that Eric is more settled now.

Now, decision made, box it up & leave it at home while you get away for a few days real break - someone else is dealing with it.

.
(Watch out for that fridge door when you get the wine out tonight ) See http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/showthread.php?t=24187, if you missed it.

 

[sue38]

Dear Gigi,

I can only share your relief. Things will be different, there will still be issues, but now you won't be on your own to deal with them.

I'm sure this is far harder on you than it is on Eric.

 

[gigi]

The dam burst...

Relief gave way to tears last night and I thought I'd never stop crying.

Last night I slept soundly for the first time in years..but I woke up with the old feeling of dread...and everything felt unreal.

Then I had a phone call from Eric's older daughter in Australia..and the tears started again. They'd all heard Eric's SILs account of when he visited and had been upset by that. Apparently Eric's younger daughter is very upset by the latest news but both daughters are supportive of me. There's probably some guilt there which is for them to deal with, that's not my problem.

The doorbell went and I had flowers delivered from Eric's old friends who live in West Yorks and have been very supportive..

That set me off again...

After lunch I decided to go and pick up some Geraniums from our local nursery...Eric used to play golf with the guy who runs the nursery...but I wanted to do it. More tears because he was sympathetic.

But the Indian Head Massage was bliss....

Upper back, shoulders, upper arms, head, face and neck.

Tomorrow a well known cleaning firm are coming to do a Spring Clean on the house..(I had a Carers' Grant which will cover the cost)..and I'm at the hairdressers too.

It's an up and down of emotion and I'm accepting that and just going with it.

I'm sure this is far harder on you than it is on Eric.

And I think you're right, there, Sue. And that's probably true for many carers.

Love xx

 

[larivy]

glad to see your having some me time it must be very hard for you thinking of you love larivy

 

[Scottie45]

Dear Gigi

So pleased everything is being sorted out for you reguarding Eric,s care.Glad to hear that you are having sometime for yourself,sending hugs,you take good care Marian xx

 

[muse]

Dear Gigi

You've been so brave and strong for so long, I'm glad that you're finally getting some me-time. Let the tears roll down, they're tears of relief and emptiness.

I wish you all the strength you need to deal with the new situation. Try to contact some old friends and re-build a social life, re-discover some interests you've had to neglect. You've got some good friends on here, but face-to-face contact and real hugs are worth even more.

Lots of love - Kathy

 

[living in hope]

Hi Gigi,
Just wanted to send my love at this difficult time, as one who has been through this, it is so difficult to explain all the different emotions we go through, give yourself time and space to do things for yourself, Eric is being well looked after and it sounds as though he has settled quite well, enjoy some quality you time, you deserve it and Eric would want you to!
Love
Lorraine

 

[Skye]

Dear gigi

It's not surprising the dam has burst. This is such an emotional time for you, and I'm sure your mind is all over the place, swinging between relief, bereavement, guilt -- and back again. It's a never-ending circle.

But you've got through the dreaded phone call, and that will never be as bad again. End Eric's friends are supportive, as I'm sure is anyone who has seen what you have gone through. As you say, the daughters have not seen it, so cannot possibly understand -- their problem!

Good news that you're being positive about yourself. Eric is being looked after, and will be fine. Time to focus on gigi for a while. You are young and fit, and it's time you had some fun.

Love and hugs,

 

[gigi]

Well..we have a problem...

Eric can't stay in respite beyond his booked date (June 7th) and there don't seem to be any rooms available locally at such short notice.

Yesterday the SW rang to tell me that she has found somewhere that she thinks may be suitable and has arranged for the manager to visit Eric on Tuesday to assess him for permanent care there.

This has made me even more stressed as it's out of my known area and I suppose because it's not my choice I feel even more as though I've let Eric down. I'm trying hard not to think that way but sometimes it's very difficult. (How many times have I read this on TP..)

So it's still tough and I'm wobbling through the days..but at least I have a clean house to wobble in...

Tomorrow I'll drive over to visit the CH...it's about 45 minutes away and the staff sound very friendly when I've spoken to them on the phone. I haven't had a chance to read the CQC report but will do that this evening.

and it's time you had some fun.

Thankyou Hazel..some fun is long overdue, I think...

I'm going away on Tuesday with some fellow TPers to have a Real Retreat in N. Yorkshire for a few days...

It can't come soon enough now.

Once again thanks, you lovely people for your support.

I'll let you know how things go when I visit the CH tomorrow.

Love xx

 

[Vonny]

Dearest Gigi,

One thing is absolutely certain: you have not let Eric down, however difficult it may be for you feel that way.

North Yorkshire: good for the soul I hope you are refreshed by your Real Retreat xxx

 

[larivy]

hope it all goes well tomorrow
there's no way you have let Eric down love larivy

 

[Bookworm]

Catching up after a week away

Hello Gigi - I've caught up with your thread now & just felt something Christine said just jumped off the screen for me - she wrote it on this thread arouund 18th May

The point I'm trying to make, gigi, is that I now get to see the best of Mum - the carers at the home take care of all the gruelling, demanding side of caring that drains family carers so much. I dip into Mum's life on a regular basis, I feel included in the bigger family that Mum now has, which consists of the residents and staff at the home, but - so importantly - I have my own life now, I can pursue my own interests, I can socialise with my friends.

This is not just a hope for you - it is going to be your reality too, Sue, xx

 

[Skye]

Gigi, you certainly haven't let Eric down. You have done and are still doing your very best for him.

Are you happy about the distance to the new home? It sounds good, but it's going to put another two hours onto your visiting time. Would they not take Eric just until the home you chose has a vacancy?

Sorry, it's more stress for you. I hope the SW can sort it out for you.

Love,

 

[Izzy]

Good luck tomorrow, Gigi. Izzy x

 

[gigi]

I'm not happy about the distance..but if Eric can go there and settle I'll be happy.

The relief of not having to care is replaced by a whole new set of problems..which I knew would happen.

On top of this my little mum is trying to help by ringing me up 3 or 4 times a day to ask if I'm ok. And begging me not to abandon her. I suppose that she is thinking that now I won't have to care for Eric I'll be able to care for her. Or that I might just leave the country and abandon them all.... (There's a thought...)

She's just phoned me to let me know that a bungalow opposite where she lives has gone up for sale...and to ask if I'd like to buy it.

I feel pretty hemmed in at the moment.

And really need my escape to North Yorkshire.

Somehow I'll get through this...but I feel very crowded and overwhelmed with it all.

Love xx

 

[gigi]

Thankyou Kassy,

You're right. Taking some time out and stepping back will help to put things back into perspective.

When we're caring 24/7 we do lose sight of ourselves.

Love xx

 

[DeborahBlythe]

Just sending you a totally gratuitous hug, Gigi, and hoping that tomorrow goes well for you. xxx

 

[musicgirl64]

stay strong

Hi I'm new to this forum- being a carer is hard-no matter how you've arrived at that place- my mum had an above the knee amputation due to diabetis 5 years ago and if that wasn't bad enough shortly after that we lost my dad and then mum was diagnosed with mixed dementia! I think the expression **** happens fitted well to how I was feeling during this time. I am now mums main carer although she doesn't live with me! I could not live with her and I really admire people who are willing to take on their elderly relative in what is a huge commitment. Make sure you look after yourself is I guess the best advice I can give. Take care XX

 

[gigi]

Hello musicgirl..welcome to TP and thankyou for your support...

You've certainly got your hands full even though you don't live with your mum the responsibility of care is there.

My daughter picked me up thismorning..she drove..I navigated and we found the CH quite easily.

It was a pleasant surprise..and looks nothing like a CH from the outside..more like a "Small and Friendly" Hotel..

The rooms are all ground floor and placed around a courtyard garden...and all rooms are en suite. (The building is converted stables)

We were greeted by a senior carer..she'd been fully briefed about Eric by her manager and said she was looking forward to meeting him.
There was no smell...apart from dinner cooking... The cleaner was busy with her "Henry" but took time to say "Hello".

There is a smoking room... and it's lovely.

A small lounge with comfy chairs and a TV..but Eric will only be able to go there under supervision which is fair enough.

We met residents and their visitors and quite honestly I was reduced to tears again...

I've met people today who understood..as you all do..the concerns about "letting go" and have been reassured.

In that small space of time there was understanding and hugs from visitors and staff who just seemed to know...even the cook came out to welcome us.

My only concern is that Eric seems to have a bit more about him than the other residents...who looked older than him.

I know he's demanding..and I explained how he is. They feel they can deal with him but the manager still has to assess him on Tuesday.

It's not as local as I would have liked..but is way above anything I've seen locally...

Forgot to mention..the District Nurse visited while I was there and she also gave it the thumbs up....

It sounds hopeful!

Love xx

I think this CH would be ideal for Eric.

 

[Jo1958]

Gigi, hello
So pleased you had positive vibes about this place, I do hope it works well for you, Eric and your family.
Have faith and best wishes, Jo