Mum has moved to her new care home

[Dibs]

Hi
Yesterday mum moved from her own home into a care home. The move itself went better than I had expected. I found it very upsetting leaving mum but I know that it is the right time for her to move and I am really pleased with the home that we have chosen for her.

I called this morning to ask how she had been last night and was told that she had been ok but this morning she didn't want to get up. I called again just now to be told that today she has flatly refused all food and drink and that she is saying she shouldn't be there and she should be back in her own home.

I'm told that as mum is not ill they are not too worried at this stage as mum is simply digging her heels in she is quite strong willed!!!! and I was told not to worry but I am worrying. I know that there will be a settling in period but I didn't think for one minute that mum would refuse to eat or drink. Has anyone else encountered this when their loved one has moved into a care home?

After all the stress leading up to this point I now feel so emotionally drained and terrified that mum will simply not eat or drink and make herself ill.

I also appreciate that I should stay away as I know that if I turn up then I'm sure it make the situation even worse because as soon as mum sees me she will demand that I take her home

I just pray that she does settle soon.
Take care everyone
Love Dibs (Deborah) x

 

[Michele]

Hi
I was told not to worry but I am worrying.

Of course you are going to worry Dibs - it is natural because you love your mum to bits.

I am sure it is just teething problems and she will be fine.

Big hugs.

Love
michele
xxxx

 

[Sandy]

Hi Deborah,

The first few days and weeks can be so difficult - a real roller coaster ride.

My MIL went from saying how lovely it was to ringing the police to say that she had been kidnapped.

Food seemed to be something that my MIL was also very focused on, but in her case she kept saying that the home wasn't feeding her. She couldn't remember going into the dining room for meals and accused the staff of trying to starve her.

One of the things that did help my MIL was that she had been just recently diagnosed formally with AZ before entering the home and the consultant and CPN visited and got her started on Aricept ASAP. That did seem to calm her down and get rid of the delusions.

Is your mother under the care of a CPN or similar?

I would say just keep talking to the home and be prepared to wait it out. After the rocky settling in period, my MIL has been happily settled in her home for two years now.

Take care,

 

[Tarika]

When mum went into her NH she didn't eat or drink very much for quite a while. She survived on soup, custard and fortified drinks. That went on for nearly a year-- then after an admittance to hospital and being taken off Digoxin she hasn't looked back and now eats for England!

If there are physical issues e. g swallowing then ask the home to refer her to Speech and Language - otherwise it may just be a question of time.

Hope it sorts itself out

Love Tarika

 

[Nels]

Have to agree with other posters, it is probably a matter of time. MIL went into a CH just before Christmas and oh boy were there problems. She would only eat porridge for breakfast and nothing else, kept shouting at staff and lots more. The last 2 weeks have seen a real improvement, albeit with some backward steps, she did start eating properly after about 3 weeks, prior to that would only eat egg and chips and porridge and any cakes or biscuits on offer... (always refused fruit, even when chopped up). She now comes to the door to see us off and we have taken her out and got her back without any problems.

Give it time, I know it is hard at present, but you need to do this.

 

[Dibs]

Hi

Thank you for your replies it is really reassuring to know that others have experienced what mum and I are going through at the moment.

I know it will take time for mum to settle down and also for me to adjust to her being there. I've felt very tearful this weekend but deep down I do know that I've done the best thing for mum as hopefully she will benefit so much from being around people and having continuous care.
Take care everyone.
Love Dibs (Deborah) xxx

 

[Souffle]

Hi Dibs

I do feel for you as I am dreading what you are going through - we are not quite at that stage yet but I can see it coming soon. Did your Mum go into Respite care before she went to the CH? Mine goes regularly and loves it. This makes me optimistic for the future but of course in Respite she knows she will be coming home! Not sure how she would react if she thought it was for keeps. Would be interested to know so I can prepare in advance! Hope your Mum settles soon. Please try and not blame yourself, - you have done the absolute best you can for her and feeling guilty will only make you unwell. Take care love Souffle

 

[Margaret W]

I took my mum the best part of a year to settle in. Though it never affected her appetite or eating, which must be a conern to you. Give it a little more time, I would say.

Love

Margaret

 

[Dibs]

Hi Souffle

Mum didn't go into respite before moving into her carehome so I realize that it will be very strange for her to start with. As your mum has been in respite a few times I would think that would be an advantage as she would no doubt be upset at having to stay but at least she will be used to the routine and people which I'm sure will make a difference in the long term.

Its an incredibly stressful thing to organise care for a loved one but once they have moved into their new home and I found it really stressful, but I now also feel relieved as I know that mum is now safe and will be looked after and I'm sure there will be blips along the way and I have to adjust to the situation myself and learn to let go and let others do the day to day caring but I do know that I have done the right thing for mum. Also I am really pleased with the home they seem to be very on the ball and take the time to talk and listen when I phone. I viewed a few different care homes but the one that mum is in just felt right so I went with my gut instinct and it did help that I know someone to has worked there for a long time in the past so I had a recommendaton.

Its never an easy decision to make but with regard to mum the timing felt right and her CPN and Social Worker agreed that it was the right time to move mum.


Love Dibs (Deborah) xxx

 

[Souffle]

Hi Dibs

Thanks for that it makes me feel a bit better. Hope things improve for you soon xxx

 

[Daughter1961]

Hi Dibs,

I'm so sorry you're having such a difficult time.

My father's been in care for about 15 months now, and has only just begun to settle in the last couple of days. It's a different situation because for a long time he wasn't able to speak to us (due to the drugs he was then on), but we knew from his behaviour how unhappy he was.

I therefore know how hard it is to leave a parent in a NH when you know they're not happy. There's really no way round it, though, and you mustn't feel guilty: you have no choice, and you've chosen the best home available to you.

Hopefully your mum will begin to settle down soon. Daddy didn't eat for quite some time--in fact, he hasn't eaten properly for the last 15 months--but he's eating now that he's settling down. I'm sure your mum will start eating again as soon as she gets used to her new surroundings.

Very best of luck to you both xxx

 

[likelylass]

hi,

I remember when my mom first went into the care home. She is a fiercely independant woman and I knew she would never accept it. I told her that the roof in her own home was dangerous and we were arranging to get it fixed. I kept that up for about 3 months and then after that she never asked again and she didnt even recognise her own home after 6 months or so. It may seem wrong to lie to her, but the actual truth can be hard to take too. She accepted this far better than telling her she was never going home. Hope things improve for you.... mom has been in a care home for 3 years now and accepts it as home.