Care home - moving in advice

[JemimaP]

Hi. My 80 year old Mum has Vascular Dementia. We have reached the very difficult stage of moving Mum into a care home because her carer and I can't manage anymore. I have to say thank you to this Forum for helping considerably in making this decision - reading other posts - the fors and againsts - has helped greatly in what is the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. The care home we have found is lovely (I have visited many) but obviously I am very concerned that the change in surroundings will be extremely strange to Mum and will probably be very distressing to her.

I would like some advice - we haven't told Mum she is moving into a home - she just wouldn't comprehend. She thinks she is fine and doesn't need any support at all! I have been advised to tell her that we are going on a short holiday to a nice hotel. We are arranging for some of her furniture and a few prize possessions, photos etc to be in the room when she arrives. However, I have recently read that if you are pretending to go to a hotel, the room should look like a hotel otherwise it will cause great confusion. I know that some days Mum wouldn't twig that her possessions are in this new, strange place, but other days she is more lucid and may very well become confused. Do other forum members have experience they can share with the big "move" day and how we should play it? The other conflicting advice I've had is that I should leave Mum once she's settled into her new room on the first day and stay away for 3 - 4 days - others say you should stay, albeit in the background, for the first few days - the thought of Mum waking up the next morning to complete strangers and in new surroundings terrifies me. Again, I would welcome any advice Forum members can give. Many thanks.

 

[vdg]

My Mum moved into a home recently.It was a bit different for her as she went there after a month in hospital and had almost forgotten her own flat anyway.She can't remember what stuff she has there but I did take her a few photos and some of her teddies[she collects bears]
As far as visits go be guided by the carers. For my Mum having been used to seeing me 2-3 times daily for a long time, to suddenly not see me would have been too strange.I left her the first day, saying I was busy with the grandchildren, then went in the day after then alternate days for a few days. Then we went away for 6 days which was unavoidable as it was pre booked and anyway I was in desperate need of a break.When we got back she was none the wiser we'd been away long or where we'd been and in that time she'd got into a bit of a routine. I am now aware that I should not visit on Mondays as she is very busy!![hairdreeser day and armchair exercise class]

 

[terry999]

JemimaP - I'm of the opinion that its more distressing for the carer.

Have no definite answers. I took my mum a year ago she has settled now. It takes a while to settle. Remember as you have cared for her, deep down you know its the right thing.

On the day my mum soon twigged she was going to stay there and wouldn't let me leave. I said she was in hospital for a bit. The staff were v.good. As she was always trying to leave they advised me to stay away for a few days.

How about getting some relative/friend to visit, i.e. not you who have been in daily contact with her. I did this, made me feel better as I got a report on how she was doing.

I wouldn't go overboard with photos etc at first, maybe just one or 2 items.

Maybe a printout with "Mary's Room" or something like that to stick on her door would be a good idea if she is mobile can still read. If only mobile a large potrait picture of your mum could be stuck on the door.

Practical stuff:
I would make a short concise document:
1. medical history (general, dentist, optician etc etc)
2. Relatives (names of people she might call out)
3. Likes dislikes, food, clothes

I know this is on a form they give you, but you can attach more significance to some points.

If you/or mum are really attached to clothes get them labelled - otherwise they can get lost.

Labels for shoes are a v.good idea as well.

 

[Rootshalle]

I agree with everything terry999 has said. Label everything up is a must!

I was also advised to stay away for a few days & to be honest I needed the break from it all - the whole thing was really draining. I hope I never have to face anything like that again. My mother in law popped into see Mum after a couple of days and reported back - thankfully mum was OK.

Agree advising CH about likes & dislikes, Mum loves music & I told the CH about that. Also a potted family history so they know who's who.

I wish you well & hope it all goes smoothly

regards R

 

[ella24]

Hiya

We had put some clothes and ornaments in my gran's room (she was moving town too) and we found that in trying to pack (as she thought it was a holiday) she damaged what were previously prized photos. In hindsight I think we should have left it a while beofre putting breakables etc.

Other tips - we made a 'boasting book' - small photo album of photos and names etc that she could use as a conversation starter, and give an insight for care staff - one that fits into her handbag (which for my gran would be huge). On the day she moved in she was sitting going through the boasting book with a carer and happily distracted as we said goodbye.

Other things we found - suitcases and washbags were (in gran's mind) only used on holidays - and meant that gran would pack - so any bags, washbags etc were removed asap.

As for visiting - we left her for a day or two to settle on the CH advice, and then made frequent but brief visits, so that she was used to people popping in and out. We found that if she stayed in her room when we visited that she was much more grumpy than if we moved to a lounge - which also got her more involved in meeting other residents.

The idea of a name for the door is a good one - our CH hadnt done it at first, and it made a huge difference

good luck!

e

 

[JemimaP]

Some really great suggestions here so thanks all. I love the idea of the "boasting" book. I spent all weekend sewing labels on, as she did for our school uniforms all those years ago - I think Mum's getting her own back.....! I had forgotten about shoes though. Will also remove luggage. Re. the should I stay or should I go, I will play it very much by ear and work with the carers. The CH asked me to fill in a form or around 8 pages asking lots of relevant detail about Mum which was good - so they have lots of conversation prompts, details of her family, likes, dislikes etc. Thanks again. First visit to this site and has made a difficult task much easier.

 

[Amber 5]

Hi Jemima,
I agree, it is all very exhausting and draining for the carer! I moved my mum a couple of months ago now to a care home near to me. Personally, I think it's best to go with your 'gut feeling' for visits. You know your mum and can probably guess how she is going to react. I'm sure the carers will advise you if you are worried though.

My plan was to try and make the transition as easy as possible for mum, so I was there quite a lot at the beginning - I was also going to be away on holiday for two weeks after she was there for only three weeks, so I was very worried about that. On the whole she was happy (for her!) - sometimes she wanted to go out as soon as I appeared and I worried that she wasn't getting a chance to settle, but after making an effort to stay in and have a cup of tea in the lounge and spend time with her in the home. If she hadn't have been happyish and the carers advised me to stay away, I would have thought about it! But as I am basically the only person she has to visit, I don't want her to ever feel abandoned. (In reality though, I know that she is safe, well looked after, well fed, has started painting again, goes on mini bus outings and in a much better environment than she was previously - and we get to see each other much more often).

I hope that all goes as well as can be expected for you and your mum. Getting moved in is one thing, and then the honeymoon period followed by the real settling in! Let us know how you get on.
Best wishes, Gill x

 

[ella24]

Getting moved in is one thing, and then the honeymoon period followed by the real settling in!

Yes!! Be prepared for 'going home' questions! - we started with answers that were non committal, and moved to longer term (not till after the summer), and then she agreed to stay (and forgot) so we could say 'well, you decided to stay'. It took us about 4 months before these really diminished....

e

p.s. BTW 'going home' isn't necessarily the 'home' you may think - it could be a childhood home, or state of mind of being 'home'

 

[germain]

Hi all

Just a little detail to think about re the picture on her room door.

Our Mum didn't recognise herself in her own picture on her door (aged 85) but she DID recognise the beautiful one we found of her when she was 20 and in her WW2 WRAF uniform !! - Think this also went some way towards explaining why she kept saying her Mum and Dad would be worried if she didn't go home for lunch soon.

regards
Germain

 

[TinaT]

Other little tips.

Use tippex to label any remote control devices. I have done that with my husband Ken's remote control for the tv in his bedroom. One of the residents gets in and out of his bedroom like greased lightening if the door is ever left unlocked and wanders away with anything she can get her hands on. His remote control had gone missing this afternoon when I visited, but it is much easier to locate it and return it with the tippex.

I also use coloured nail varnish on the instep of shoes to label them. White nail varnish on black soles works very well. I also put a blob of nail varnish on the inside of his glasses so at least I can identify them if they get lost. It is surprising how many pairs of glasses look exactly alike!

I also would be careful about taking things such as furniture, personal possessions at first. I took some of my husband's paintings which were hung in both his bedroom and one of the public rooms. He took them down within a short time as he felt they were for his 'home' and not the place he was currently staying at. The Care Home is a temporary measure as far as he is concerned. If he is happy to think that then I am happy to go along with it. He has no idea that he has been there for the last 18 months.

xxTinaT

 

[Pollyanna]

Labels, labels and more labels on everything!!!! My Nan seems to have a constant supply of 'new' clothes and bed covers!

We didn't tell my Nan on moving day. She arrived straight there from the hospital to find me and my Mom waiting for her.

We had prepared her room and it looked lovely but she thought she was at Mom's house.

We stayed away for what seemed forever (it was 24hrs!). I was dreading my first visit but when I got there she'd settled in and was quite happy. We felt she needed time to settle and for the carers to get to know her.

She did mention wanting to go home, but we learnt that 'home' meant wherever it was that made her feel safe .... usually the TV lounge with everyone else ! She now doesn't remember her house.

She also got up to leave with us (or it might have been to show us out ) so we had to make quick exits in the early days and had to trust the carers to ensure she was OK when we left.

I cried o) when I left after my first visit ..... because she was safe and cared for and I wasn't worried that I'd left her alone anymore.

I would suggest that if you are staying way, go out for the day or find something else to occupy yourself.

I love the idea of a 'boasting' book, I might do somethng similar now!

Good luck

Polly x

 

[vdg]

My Mum's care home gave us a form to fill in together so it would give them an insight into her life and give them conversation starters to get her talking.The questions were about her family members past and present[she couldn't remember much I had to fill those in],places she had lived, her work, her schools, interests, likes and dislikes food wise, likes and dislikes sociability wise, hobbies from the past[they are going to encourage her with gardening as she has forgotten what to do but used to love it]. They have realised that animals will get my Mum excited and interested so the resident cat is often to be found round her chair and the owners dog gets to be cuddled when they visit.
There are a few niggles I have with the home- like they allow her to choose her own clothes even when they are dirty, but on the whole I think they are doing ok with her.She is not an easy person to deal with!
The tippex and nail varnish are good ideas, I shall use those I did iron on name tags on clothes to start with but they came off in the laundry so I now have embroidered ones to sew on, more expensive but hopefully they will stay put.
I also like the idea of the boasting book, I am about to go and look for piccies

 

[JPG1]

Hello JemimaP,

We did exactly as ella24 has described – wish we’d thought of calling it a ‘boasting book’ though! The big handbag is the secret – it’s amazing what ‘useful’ things can be stashed in there. Not the things that would normally be carried in a handbag – but they worked as ‘chat starters’ when pulled out of the bag at any point. Only you can know what might be suitable for your Mum's handbag.

And the ‘life story’ was another one that was useful – with all the names and remembered places that would crop up from years ago. We made several versions of that: long one for the staff; shorter one (laminated) for the handbag; middle-sized one laminated and stuck on the wall in the bedroom.

Good luck!
.

 

[JackieP]

Hi

I moved my mum into a care facility in May and I too had problems in explaining where my mum was going. My mum had previously spent nearly 3 months in an EMI Ward in hospital and she knew she was in hospital. I told my mum that she needed to go into a hotel so that I could have some work done on her house. She has seemed ok about this and does ask me when her house will be ready and I just keep saying that there needs to be more work done on the house and then she seems fine. I did not take any of her items from her house as I thought this may confuse her. I have bought her new stuff which she now reckognises are hers. I am quite lucky as the facility my mum is in is brand new and all the doors etc look the same so it does resemble a hotel which helps with explaining things to my mum. I felt awful about lying to my mum at first but she seems content with my explanations and I just reasure her I am looking after her house. I try and deal with her questions on a daily basis as sometimes she never asks about her house. I really do hope it all works out ok for you as I can fully understand how difficult it is.
Take care. x

 

[Cl13]

Hi Jemima, my mum went into her ch July 1st, the plan was as she was leaving hospital that she would be taken by ambulance straight to the home, we told mum she was going for convalescence, mum didn't question this, I had taken all mums clothes the day before everything labeled, the home said they would ring me as soon as she arrived, they said it could be anytime with the ambulance bringing her. Not straight forward but I'll not go into all that. I brought her myself in the end.
The staff at the home were great, mums SW told them I was on my way it was after tea by this time.
They were waiting at the door, they greeted mum with a big hug saying,oh Margaret your here at last we've been waiting all day for you, the took mum by the hand to the lift, as soon as she got out of the lift the manager shouted, she's here Margaret's here, mums key worker came running down the corridor, hugged mum caught old of her hand and took her to her room, we were brought coffee and biscutes and chatted about mums likes and dislikes, they had already done her inventory before we got there.
The whole thing went really smoothly and mum wasn't given a chance to feel lost, she shown her all round, introduced her to the residents as they were going around I was so relieved.
I didn't take anything from mums home as mum was told she was going for convalescence, as it was she thought she was in a hotel, now she thinks a rich man owns the place and several others and looks after every- one and wont take money from any-one.
Last week I took the first of her things for her, it was a memory album of mum and dads life, from when they were single to the birth of her last great grandchild, she was really pleased and sat looking at it, she said the staff would be interested in it and I'm sure they will.
I'm taking things very slowly, I'll see how mum is tomorrow and if she's ok and not wondering how long she'll be staying, "she does say that now and again" I was thinking about taking her framed telegram from the Queen that was sent on mum and dads 6th wedding anniversary, I'm not to sure if to take it or not.
When your mum goes to her CH your the only one that can decide if to put her stuff in straight away or not, as you can see, we all have our own ways of working things out,
You just go with your own feelings, and the end of the day we just have to try and have trust in our own instincts.

Take care.

Love Lynn

 

[JemimaP]

Hi everyone

I can't thank you enough for sharing your experiences and advice. JackieP - your post made me smile - we too are saying we are "having work done on Mum's house". She will think my husband is doing it - he can do no wrong in her eyes - he's always been pretty bad at DIY so I think it's going to take a long long time! Seriously though, the advice in your replies has been invaluable.

The "big move" is this Friday so I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

 

[NewKid]

10/10 for boasting book idea!

As usual lots of good ideas circulating, thanks all! I too will soon make a 'boasting book' for the handbag*! (Which * maybe should be bigger... Mum and all the women seem to carry these everywhere .. at least not a bag full of all her possessions - including delicate breakables as in the early 'respite' days... ) (Nail varnish/ tippez - other good tips!) After my Mum's 10-week hospital stay I set up her room in CH in advance with personal furniture and things - she really seems to like it/ helped her settle. Everyone different....

Re telegram - very precious and hard to replace. My Mum and dad's wedding photo got lost in hosp... perhaps a laminated copy would be better plan? Inventory therefore a good idea - thanks for the reminder.. (don't have!).

Finally just a simple good luck from me, so many people will be taking an interest in how it goes.

 

[JANE1962]

Just a brief anecdote - my mum went into a nursing home in April - I was beside my self with worry that she would not be able to settle and be frightened if I wasn't there but although I cried at our parting she was oblivious. When I visited the next morning and asked how she liked it she told me she had been living there at least six months and it was a lovely place. All my hard work of the previous three years had already been forgotten - heyho!

My very good wishes to you at this very difficult point - Jane

 

[Scottie45]

Hi Jemima

I just want to wish you well for your mum,s move,take care Marian x

 

[Royalslady]

All the best with your Mum's move. Lots of good tips and advice on here, so I won't add more other than to say my Mum took a little while to settle (but it was just a few weeks) but looking back I think I was in more torture than she was at the time.

White lies have definitely helped us along.

good luck