Guilt.....

Mouse2014

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
42
0
hi

I lost my dear Mum 2 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and numb. I miss her so very much, I was very very lucky that Mum knew me right up till she became unconscious, I am so blessed as this is the cruellest of illnesses and not everyone has this luxury. She was 92 and had a long and happy life till 2008.

She was classed as end of life on 6/8/19 and died on 3/9/19 after a pretty traumatic month with lots of pain and agitation which was dealt with by meds through a syringe driver.

I had posted on here at the time that her final week was horrendous and she had a horrific rattle which was, to be blunt, sickening.. I thought I was going to lose my mind with the loud and incessant gurgling. In fact I ended up in tears begging staff to give me earplugs to drown the sound out.

Her final 6 hours have traumatised me in particular. Latterly the build up of secretions from throat and chest built up so much they were coming out of her mouth and I found it impossible to clear this without gagging, retching and making myself ill. The Care home staff had to do this job. ( I was so grateful but so ashamed that I couldn’t do this) The smell of the secretions was horrendous and nauseating and to my shame had to sit at Mums back, rubbing her arm and back to reassure her I was still there. I was praying for the noise to stop but knowing that if it did stop , Mum would likely be dead. How awful is that?

I feel so dreadfully guilty that I couldn’t ‘man up’ enough to tolerate this and felt that I didn’t do everything in my power to do everything I could for her. I’ve been struggling with this and been unable to sleep properly, i’ve Been having nightmares and just feel so dreadfully guilty that I failed her when she needed me most,

I’ve contacted bereavement counselling and am off work but can anyone out there advise if they have felt similar, and if they sought counselling, did it help?

Thank you x
 

Rosserk

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
396
0
hi

I lost my dear Mum 2 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and numb. I miss her so very much, I was very very lucky that Mum knew me right up till she became unconscious, I am so blessed as this is the cruellest of illnesses and not everyone has this luxury. She was 92 and had a long and happy life till 2008.

She was classed as end of life on 6/8/19 and died on 3/9/19 after a pretty traumatic month with lots of pain and agitation which was dealt with by meds through a syringe driver.

I had posted on here at the time that her final week was horrendous and she had a horrific rattle which was, to be blunt, sickening.. I thought I was going to lose my mind with the loud and incessant gurgling. In fact I ended up in tears begging staff to give me earplugs to drown the sound out.

Her final 6 hours have traumatised me in particular. Latterly the build up of secretions from throat and chest built up so much they were coming out of her mouth and I found it impossible to clear this without gagging, retching and making myself ill. The Care home staff had to do this job. ( I was so grateful but so ashamed that I couldn’t do this) The smell of the secretions was horrendous and nauseating and to my shame had to sit at Mums back, rubbing her arm and back to reassure her I was still there. I was praying for the noise to stop but knowing that if it did stop , Mum would likely be dead. How awful is that?

I feel so dreadfully guilty that I couldn’t ‘man up’ enough to tolerate this and felt that I didn’t do everything in my power to do everything I could for her. I’ve been struggling with this and been unable to sleep properly, i’ve Been having nightmares and just feel so dreadfully guilty that I failed her when she needed me most,

I’ve contacted bereavement counselling and am off work but can anyone out there advise if they have felt similar, and if they sought counselling, did it help?

Thank you x


I am so sorry you had to go through that.

My sister had pancreatic cancer, she was 55 and was in hospital when she died. She didn’t want to die alone so I promised her she wouldn’t. Just before she died she had a massive fit. I called for the nurses and they came running in with a doctor. The doctor told me her organs were shutting down and she would soon stop breathing. I remember the rattle you describe, I don’t think I will ever forget it.

My sister was DNR (do not resuscitate) and I wanted to scream bring her back bring her back, but I knew I couldn’t she didn’t want that. She explained she was suffering and it was time to go because she didn’t want to be in pain any longer. I asked the doctors and nurses to remove the drips and monitors the alarms only added to the fear I was having. I asked them to leave the room and when they did I climbed into bed with her and held her until she went quiet and the noise stopped, I was whispering in her ear “I love you I love you”. I felt like I was suffocating the grief was overwhelming I thought I would die too my heart was pounding so hard I thought my chest would explode! After the funeral was over I sank into a depression so bad I barely left the house for three years, I cried constantly I hardly ate, never washed or dressed and most days I didn’t get out of bed, I’m only just pulling myself back together 4 years later.

Don’t make the same mistake I made, go and seek counselling and take all the help and advice you can get. You did an amazing thing by ensuring your mum was not alone when she died but what you did will stay with you, so you need help in dealing with that. Your mum had a wonderful life you said so yourself and you proved your devotion so you have nothing to feel guilty about. People die it’s a fact of life but your mum had a really long life, she was blessed. I didn’t have counselling but I have friends and family who did and it really helped them. Looking back I wish I had gone, my sister would be mortified if she knew what I’d been through, she would say move on I’m not in pain any more I’m ok and I’m sure your mum would say the same.

Sending you big hugs x
 

Dimpsy

Registered User
Sep 2, 2019
1,906
0
hi

I lost my dear Mum 2 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and numb. I miss her so very much, I was very very lucky that Mum knew me right up till she became unconscious, I am so blessed as this is the cruellest of illnesses and not everyone has this luxury. She was 92 and had a long and happy life till 2008.

She was classed as end of life on 6/8/19 and died on 3/9/19 after a pretty traumatic month with lots of pain and agitation which was dealt with by meds through a syringe driver.

I had posted on here at the time that her final week was horrendous and she had a horrific rattle which was, to be blunt, sickening.. I thought I was going to lose my mind with the loud and incessant gurgling. In fact I ended up in tears begging staff to give me earplugs to drown the sound out.

Her final 6 hours have traumatised me in particular. Latterly the build up of secretions from throat and chest built up so much they were coming out of her mouth and I found it impossible to clear this without gagging, retching and making myself ill. The Care home staff had to do this job. ( I was so grateful but so ashamed that I couldn’t do this) The smell of the secretions was horrendous and nauseating and to my shame had to sit at Mums back, rubbing her arm and back to reassure her I was still there. I was praying for the noise to stop but knowing that if it did stop , Mum would likely be dead. How awful is that?

I feel so dreadfully guilty that I couldn’t ‘man up’ enough to tolerate this and felt that I didn’t do everything in my power to do everything I could for her. I’ve been struggling with this and been unable to sleep properly, i’ve Been having nightmares and just feel so dreadfully guilty that I failed her when she needed me most,

I’ve contacted bereavement counselling and am off work but can anyone out there advise if they have felt similar, and if they sought counselling, did it help?

Thank you x

My deepest sympathy to you @Mouse2014 at this very sad time and how comforting to know that when your mother needed support she was able to turn to her devoted daughter for reassurance.
It was the carers job to keep your mum comfortable during her final days and it sounds as if they looked after her needs in a calm and professional manner.
Perhaps if someone could have gently explained in advance how end of life may present, you would have been prepared for what followed and not so shocked by what you witnessed.
Please don't crucify yourself with the idea that you let your mum down because you didn't.
I truly hope you can focus on the fact that you were with your mum through the thick and thin to the end. What a wonderful daughter you proved to be and your mum is so very proud of you.
Peace to you both.
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
I was the same over my Dad. The memories faded away to be replaced by happy ones. I remember the my real Dad from before dementia.
The horrid memories still ambush me occasionally almost 3 years down the line.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
24,920
0
South coast
I agree with @Dimpsy - you were there for her and that is what matters

People dont like talking about death and the reality is not at all like it is shown on TV, where everything is over in about two minutes. The Chayne Stokes breathing can be awful to hear and everything can be quite shocking if you are not expecting it. Nevertheless, you stayed the course. I agree, it was not your job to clean her up. The carers will have done this before and knew what to expect and you didnt leave her, you stayed and comforted her.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,356
0
Kent
Her final 6 hours have traumatised me in particular. Latterly the build up of secretions from throat and chest built up so much they were coming out of her mouth and I found it impossible to clear this without gagging, retching and making myself ill. The Care home staff had to do this job.

There was no question I would have been expected to cope with this when my husband was at the end of his life @Mouse2014. Why on earth do you think it was your responsibility?

The care home staff are the ones experienced in end of life care and can work as professionals with little emotional involvement.

You were watching your Mum die and there can be nothing more distressing. You have no reason to feel guilt because you weren`t able to administer the care she needed. Please be kinder to yourself and grieve for your mother in peace.
 

Marcelle123

Registered User
Nov 9, 2015
4,865
0
Yorkshire
My father died suddenly of a heart attack on the beach when I was eighteen - I was left alone with him, and the picture and sound remained with me for years through university and beyond. I also felt immensely guilty, but there was nothing I could have done. I can still remember the sight and sound, but there is now no pain attached after fifty years.

Your trauma and the sights and sounds that you witnessed will take a very long time to subside. I think you would do well to seek counselling, and also be as kind to yourself as possible, taking rest, doing activities you enjoy when you feel like them, having treats, seeing friends.

I hope you find something that helps and I wish you peace and solace.

One thing that struck me when I read your post - how brave you were, how heroic, staying by your Mum's side and witnessing her ordeal. Far from 'not manning up', you did your duty. You couldn't help being so affected by the sound and having to ask the nursing staff to help with the secretions. It is because you loved your mother so much that you found it all almost unbearable - and yet you did bear it.

That is true courage and you have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about.
You loved your mother very deeply and you did your best for her.
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
899
0
Hi @Mouse2014, I'm so sorry to hear what you have been through. I sadly went through the devastation of witnessing the end of life and all that goes with it for both Mum and Dad. It is absolutely brutal to witness pure and simple. You were there for you Mum and you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about at all.

I can say that Counselling does help, and after my Mum's passing 9 months ago the memories of that dreadful time are no longer vivid in my mind. It will get better, it takes time. Take care of yourself.
 

Mouse2014

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
42
0
Thank you all so very much for taking the time to respond. I’m sorry that you all too have your memories and experiences which have been difficult for you all to cope with.

As macabre as it sounds, I did google the death rattle prior to death so I had an idea. Sadly Mums was 100 times louder and lasted for 5 days. I wasn’t prepared, I don’t think anyone is prepared...

I will be embracing counselling and will hope to take everything out of it that I can.
Thank you all so very much .. it’s appreciated.. x
 

Mouse2014

Registered User
Mar 9, 2014
42
0
There was no question I would have been expected to cope with this when my husband was at the end of his life @Mouse2014. Why on earth do you think it was your responsibility?

The care home staff are the ones experienced in end of life care and can work as professionals with little emotional involvement.

You were watching your Mum die and there can be nothing more distressing. You have no reason to feel guilt because you weren`t able to administer the care she needed. Please be kinder to yourself and grieve
for your mother in peace.

Hiya..
I didnt feel it was my responsibility... I just wanted to help .. she looked after me all my life in sickness and health,, she cleaned up after me when I was ill and it was just I felt I should have been helping her as she was choking, I felt inadequate...
Thank you...... I will try to be less hard on myself, it’s all just very raw just now,, xxxxx
 

printgirl

Registered User
Jan 1, 2018
13
0
Hi ,
I have been through a very similar experience with my Mum , who died two weeks ago . I m haunted by the horrible sound Mums pneumonia caused ; my sister and I spent all night gently wiping away the secretions , and speaking to Mum , brushing her hair , putting lipsalve on her lips but when it came to the first injection when I knew she would fall into the coma I couldn’t stay in the room . Or when the syringe driver went in . And that we didn’t stay the night before with her in hospital although we were there for the last almost 48 hours . I m hoping these horrible flashbacks will fade , as Mum was so much more than her dementia in the last 3 years . I am going to have counselling to help . I do hope you have learnt to forgive yourself ; it sounds like you did so much for your Mum and none of us are prepared to deal with end of life x
 

Cat27

Registered User
Feb 27, 2015
13,057
0
Merseyside
Hi ,
I have been through a very similar experience with my Mum , who died two weeks ago . I m haunted by the horrible sound Mums pneumonia caused ; my sister and I spent all night gently wiping away the secretions , and speaking to Mum , brushing her hair , putting lipsalve on her lips but when it came to the first injection when I knew she would fall into the coma I couldn’t stay in the room . Or when the syringe driver went in . And that we didn’t stay the night before with her in hospital although we were there for the last almost 48 hours . I m hoping these horrible flashbacks will fade , as Mum was so much more than her dementia in the last 3 years . I am going to have counselling to help . I do hope you have learnt to forgive yourself ; it sounds like you did so much for your Mum and none of us are prepared to deal with end of life x

I’m sorry to read about your Mum @printgirl
I found the horrid flashbacks faded to be replaced by happy memories of my Dad.
I think counselling is an excellent idea & I wish you peace & strength to get through Christmas.
 

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