hi
I lost my dear Mum 2 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and numb. I miss her so very much, I was very very lucky that Mum knew me right up till she became unconscious, I am so blessed as this is the cruellest of illnesses and not everyone has this luxury. She was 92 and had a long and happy life till 2008.
She was classed as end of life on 6/8/19 and died on 3/9/19 after a pretty traumatic month with lots of pain and agitation which was dealt with by meds through a syringe driver.
I had posted on here at the time that her final week was horrendous and she had a horrific rattle which was, to be blunt, sickening.. I thought I was going to lose my mind with the loud and incessant gurgling. In fact I ended up in tears begging staff to give me earplugs to drown the sound out.
Her final 6 hours have traumatised me in particular. Latterly the build up of secretions from throat and chest built up so much they were coming out of her mouth and I found it impossible to clear this without gagging, retching and making myself ill. The Care home staff had to do this job. ( I was so grateful but so ashamed that I couldn’t do this) The smell of the secretions was horrendous and nauseating and to my shame had to sit at Mums back, rubbing her arm and back to reassure her I was still there. I was praying for the noise to stop but knowing that if it did stop , Mum would likely be dead. How awful is that?
I feel so dreadfully guilty that I couldn’t ‘man up’ enough to tolerate this and felt that I didn’t do everything in my power to do everything I could for her. I’ve been struggling with this and been unable to sleep properly, i’ve Been having nightmares and just feel so dreadfully guilty that I failed her when she needed me most,
I’ve contacted bereavement counselling and am off work but can anyone out there advise if they have felt similar, and if they sought counselling, did it help?
Thank you x
I lost my dear Mum 2 weeks ago. I am totally devastated and numb. I miss her so very much, I was very very lucky that Mum knew me right up till she became unconscious, I am so blessed as this is the cruellest of illnesses and not everyone has this luxury. She was 92 and had a long and happy life till 2008.
She was classed as end of life on 6/8/19 and died on 3/9/19 after a pretty traumatic month with lots of pain and agitation which was dealt with by meds through a syringe driver.
I had posted on here at the time that her final week was horrendous and she had a horrific rattle which was, to be blunt, sickening.. I thought I was going to lose my mind with the loud and incessant gurgling. In fact I ended up in tears begging staff to give me earplugs to drown the sound out.
Her final 6 hours have traumatised me in particular. Latterly the build up of secretions from throat and chest built up so much they were coming out of her mouth and I found it impossible to clear this without gagging, retching and making myself ill. The Care home staff had to do this job. ( I was so grateful but so ashamed that I couldn’t do this) The smell of the secretions was horrendous and nauseating and to my shame had to sit at Mums back, rubbing her arm and back to reassure her I was still there. I was praying for the noise to stop but knowing that if it did stop , Mum would likely be dead. How awful is that?
I feel so dreadfully guilty that I couldn’t ‘man up’ enough to tolerate this and felt that I didn’t do everything in my power to do everything I could for her. I’ve been struggling with this and been unable to sleep properly, i’ve Been having nightmares and just feel so dreadfully guilty that I failed her when she needed me most,
I’ve contacted bereavement counselling and am off work but can anyone out there advise if they have felt similar, and if they sought counselling, did it help?
Thank you x