Feeling Resentful

[DreamsOfBetterThings]

Hi Everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum although I have been stalking for quite some time in the hope of picking up tips to help me cope with our new situation.

I truly hope I don't come across as cold-hearted and I have to admit it has taken me about about 18 months to pluck up the courage to admit "out loud" that I CAN'T STAND BEING A CARER!

I can't stand it. I'm bored. I'm frustrated. I'm resentful.

I try to maintain a cheerful disposition because I deep-down believe that a job should be done well, whether we enjoy it or not. Which is why I was wondering whether anyone can give me tips on how to change how I feel ?

Bit of background: I have been a stay-at-home mum for the last 25 years which was not entirely my choice but was necessary due to my husbands work schedule etc. At every landmark which i set in my mind for the Time That I Would Get A Job, something would happen which would make that impossible.. (I won't bore you all with the details. Please take my word for it)

So anyway, to cut a long story short, just as my youngest child was approaching time to leave school which would signal personal freedom for me, my MIL passed away and I therefore by default became the carer for my FIL who has vascular dementia and is now living with us. My MIL requested on her death bed that my husband and I take care of my FIL so of course we said yes.

Here's the thing...

I'm really feeling resentful and trapped. I can't tell my husband - he seems to think I'm some sort of saint for taking on this role. But in reality I didn't take it on. I was in the house already without a job so it was an automatic assumption that I would. So I did. But I had no choice.

I'm banging on a bit - sorry! But I would truly be grateful if anyone at all can give me tips on how to change your mindset when you cannot change your circumstances.

Thanks

 

[Shedrech]

hello @DreamsOfBetterThings
a warm welcome to DTP
I think a good number of members may understand your situation, caught between the needs of the generations
maybe joining us here will help as at least now you have somewhere to come and get things off your chest

personally, I do wonder whether an honest chat with your husband might help you both see the situation for what it is and give you the chance to discuss putting some support in place to take some pressure off you

 

[katydid]

Hi Everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum although I have been stalking for quite some time in the hope of picking up tips to help me cope with our new situation.

I truly hope I don't come across as cold-hearted and I have to admit it has taken me about about 18 months to pluck up the courage to admit "out loud" that I CAN'T STAND BEING A CARER!

I can't stand it. I'm bored. I'm frustrated. I'm resentful.

I try to maintain a cheerful disposition because I deep-down believe that a job should be done well, whether we enjoy it or not. Which is why I was wondering whether anyone can give me tips on how to change how I feel ?

Bit of background: I have been a stay-at-home mum for the last 25 years which was not entirely my choice but was necessary due to my husbands work schedule etc. At every landmark which i set in my mind for the Time That I Would Get A Job, something would happen which would make that impossible.. (I won't bore you all with the details. Please take my word for it)

So anyway, to cut a long story short, just as my youngest child was approaching time to leave school which would signal personal freedom for me, my MIL passed away and I therefore by default became the carer for my FIL who has vascular dementia and is now living with us. My MIL requested on her death bed that my husband and I take care of my FIL so of course we said yes.

Here's the thing...

I'm really feeling resentful and trapped. I can't tell my husband - he seems to think I'm some sort of saint for taking on this role. But in reality I didn't take it on. I was in the house already without a job so it was an automatic assumption that I would. So I did. But I had no choice.

I'm banging on a bit - sorry! But I would truly be grateful if anyone at all can give me tips on how to change your mindset when you cannot change your circumstances.

Thanks

Never say you can’t change your circumstances, it may be necessary and better for your relative to be cared for in some other way, so don’t just think of your feelings, think of his, and his needs
It is very difficult to change your feelings. My husband has vascular dementia which became worse just as I retired. I was looking forward to trips, holidays etc., so Many places to we had planned to see, so many things to do. Now We cannot do any of it. My husband has just entered a nursing home, and that is supposed to leave me free.......... of course it does not, I merely feel lonely, cheated and guilty, even though everyone tells me it best for him........ etc., etc., I resent him, for “doing this to us”. So I understand, I hated being a carer, even though I was a registered nurse all my life, and therefore should be used to being a carer!
Physically and mentally caring for someone else is hard, and even harder to do it right. Much though and truth telling is needed to make sure that all of you are allowed to live a life.
This is nothing to be ashamed about, it is necessary for the well being of the most vulnerable person in the equation to talk. talk to your husband, and the support systems which are available such as Admiral nurses, who can help you sort out your thoughts Discussion is always worth while.

 

[Bunpoots]

Welcome from me too @DreamsOfBetterThings

I completely understand your frustration as I felt it while caring for my dad. I wouldn’t have abandoned him and the job of caring for him fell to me as I lived closest and it was just taken for granted that I would do it. I didn’t live with him though although I did see him almost every day - sometimes 2 or 3 times a day!

I survived by getting help when and where I could so I could have time off. I’m self-employed so I could adjust my work schedule to some extent and eventually I got carers in to help dad manage his life. He only went into care for a few months at the end after a stoke meant he was susceptible to falls and could no longer live alone.

If you think about what “looking after” your FIL means maybe you could find an acceptable way to do this which doesn’t tie you down so much. As others have said talk to your husband. Perhaps your FIL could go to daycare for some days so that you would have freedom to do something for yourself on those days - work or volunteering or whatever.

I’ve read many stories on here of people sacrificing their own happiness, sanity and health to support someone with dementia and I wouldn’t have done what they did. I don’t consider myself cold hearted but I had limits and, although sometimes (for weeks at a time) it seemed as though I was living dad’s life instead of my own, I knew what they were and managed to dig myself out of the mire by getting more help when dad needed it. Eventually this meant a carehome.

Dementia is progressive so I think you need to have that discussion with your husband now. You’re not abandoning your FIL you’re just looking for ways to make sure everyone is as happy as possible and you don’t end up with a crisis when you get overwhelmed.

 

[canary]

Promising to "look after" your FIL does not mean that you have to do everything all by yourself.
Have you considered things like day care or a befriender to give you some time out?
Even when he moves into a care home, you will still be looking after him, making sure that he is safe and cared for properly, so try and make sure you get some help.

I am not a natural carer either - my mum frequently irritated me and now my OH often does too, but I am discovering that it is worse when I am tired and I need to find ways of minimising that.

 

[Lawson58]

No tips because I still haven't worked out how to feel better about everything. Just a sympathetic ear.

I hate it when people tell you that you made the decision to be a carer so live with it! I never made a concious choice to be a carer, It was just something that happened gradually as my husband developed a few health issues over the years.

My husband and I were both globetrotting people and we both had lived and worked abroad before we met and of course our plans were to continue to do so in our retirement. Alzheimer's, a cardiac arrest and heart failure and a few other ailments have wrecked those plans and I hate every day that I wake up knowing what is ahead.

I don't blame him for his illnesses but having my life come to a standstill after 25 years of happily travelling to all sorts of wonderful places is hard to take. I would just love to have the choice to make a decision about something I want to do for myself.

I think they call it freedom.

 

[myss]

Welcome @DreamsOfBetterThings. I'm glad you've found the forum and hope you find it useful for you.

I haven't been in the same position as you but can sympathise when you've gone from being the at-home mum straight into the at-home carer. There's nothing wrong with how you're feeling and with how you've put it across in your post, and agree with the sentiment that you should explain in the same way to your husband. Perhaps it may be possible to ask another family member or employ a carer for some of the time you care for him so that you can seek part-time work or perhaps have your FIL attend a day care centre allowing you more free time.

As for hating being a carer.... I should count myself lucky as there's a few of us in the family who cares for my dad as we all felt it was a duty to do but it's creating some tension - not for the first time - in that one doesn't agree with how another another cares for him. And with having to deal with the illness itself and other non-related things in life, such tension is so not needed.

Sorry had a little rant of my own there! All the best to you x

 

[Bonita87]

Hi Everyone. This is my first time posting on this forum although I have been stalking for quite some time in the hope of picking up tips to help me cope with our new situation.

I truly hope I don't come across as cold-hearted and I have to admit it has taken me about about 18 months to pluck up the courage to admit "out loud" that I CAN'T STAND BEING A CARER!

I can't stand it. I'm bored. I'm frustrated. I'm resentful.

I try to maintain a cheerful disposition because I deep-down believe that a job should be done well, whether we enjoy it or not. Which is why I was wondering whether anyone can give me tips on how to change how I feel ?

Bit of background: I have been a stay-at-home mum for the last 25 years which was not entirely my choice but was necessary due to my husbands work schedule etc. At every landmark which i set in my mind for the Time That I Would Get A Job, something would happen which would make that impossible.. (I won't bore you all with the details. Please take my word for it)

So anyway, to cut a long story short, just as my youngest child was approaching time to leave school which would signal personal freedom for me, my MIL passed away and I therefore by default became the carer for my FIL who has vascular dementia and is now living with us. My MIL requested on her death bed that my husband and I take care of my FIL so of course we said yes.

Here's the thing...

I'm really feeling resentful and trapped. I can't tell my husband - he seems to think I'm some sort of saint for taking on this role. But in reality I didn't take it on. I was in the house already without a job so it was an automatic assumption that I would. So I did. But I had no choice.

I'm banging on a bit - sorry! But I would truly be grateful if anyone at all can give me tips on how to change your mindset when you cannot change your circumstances.

Thanks

I can understand you feeling resentful. When I was 16 I unfortunately become pregnant and I was frightened to tell my mother. By the time she realised I was already 6 months pregnant. She went mad and sent me away to a mother and baby home to have my baby adopted because she didn't want the neighbours, friends or even her own mother know that I had become pregnant. 42 years later my mother has now got Alzheimers and I have to look after her. My sister who is 12 years older will not help me because she also has not had a good relationship with her. To say I am resentful is an understatement. I just don't know how to deal with my feelings. I have tried a private counsellor earlier in the year. To make matters worse my own daughter got pregnant in her second year at university. I have helped my daughter as much as I can and looked after my granddaughter while my daughter finished her degree. I currently look after my granddaughter on Thursday, Friday and Saturday while my daughter is at work. This has made me even more resentful as I can compare how I help my daughter with how I was treated.

 

[canary]

Hello @Bonita87 and welcome to DTP
Id just like to say that you dont "have" to look after your mother at all. The duty of care rests with Social Services, not family. Contact Social Services for a needs assessment for your mum and start stepping back

 

[Grannie G]

Yes. I agree with @canary.

Responsibility for caring is difficult enough but when resentment is felt it can damage whatever relationships we have and change can only be the answer.

My MIL requested on her death bed that my husband and I take care of my FIL so of course we said yes.

These promises cannot always be kept and no one has a right to ask for them. It also sounds as if you have the lions share by default. It isn`t your husband`s fault if he works and you are at home but the onus has fallen on you and you are unhappy with it.

Talk to your husband and see if adjustments can be made so you have some freedom.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Both my parents have dementia & there is no way I could have either of them to live with me. I love them & have fought hard over the years to get the care in place for them to remain independent, but moving in with me is not an option, especially as I have children ( now adults!)
Why shouldn’t you feel resentful, after all being a stay at home Mum is a full time job.
Having a person with dementia in your home that you don’t have a complete understanding of their needs, emotionally, physically & mentally must but so hard. You have so few shared life experiences & for the PWD it must seem frightening to be transplanted & add to their symptoms.

Yes you need help with this, phone the Alzheimer’s society help line the advisers are awesome !!
My own horrendous experiences have been resolved / are being resolved with help from this amazing helpline service.

Let us know how you get on, & try not to feel guilty for feeling like this - you are not alone.
((((Hugs))))

 

[Bonita87]

Hello @Bonita87 and welcome to DTP
Id just like to say that you dont "have" to look after your mother at all. The duty of care rests with Social Services, not family. Contact Social Services for a needs assessment for your mum and start stepping back

It seems more complicated to me. My mother used to own her own property and sold it and moved into a warden controlled flat which she rents from a housing association. Because she still has the money from the sale of the house she is classed as a self funder. So any care she has she has to pay for. When she was assessed and diagnosed with Altzeimers she was offered care or the option of going into a care home and she refused. Why they feel she has capacity to say she doesn't want care - they can't force her to have care especially if she has to pay for it.

 

[canary]

You are in that difficult place where she is impaired, but is still considered to have capacity, @Bonita87
It isnt just about funding - Social Services would say exactly the same even if your mum were not self-funding.

Unfortunately, all the while you are doing things for your mum the full extent of her dementia is hidden and you are actually enabling her to continue without any additional help. All the while you are enabling your mum, social services will not be interested - they will only act if there are problems. What would happen if you had an accident and ended up in hospital? Would her problems then show up?

There have been several threads recently about this very problem and the advice is to step back and allow the problems to be seen.
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/im-just-desperate.116727/
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/24-7-home-care-vs-care-home.116390/

 

[DesperateofDevon]

It seems more complicated to me. My mother used to own her own property and sold it and moved into a warden controlled flat which she rents from a housing association. Because she still has the money from the sale of the house she is classed as a self funder. So any care she has she has to pay for. When she was assessed and diagnosed with Altzeimers she was offered care or the option of going into a care home and she refused. Why they feel she has capacity to say she doesn't want care - they can't force her to have care especially if she has to pay for it.

It’s a difficult thing to step back & let it all unravel but a necessary one, believe me!

 

[Bonita87]

It’s a difficult thing to step back & let it all unravel but a necessary one, believe me!

Thank you for your advice xx

 

[DesperateofDevon]

Thank you for your advice xx

(((((((Hugs)))))))