Is this part of Dementia?

[Mumof3kids]

My dad has vascular dementia, he has no short term memory and is repeats himself constantly. Lacks empathy and can be quite nasty - he is on meds which does manage it to a degree. But he does still have lots of capacity.

My mum isn't in good health and is finding it difficult to keep on top of the usual house work, and has less patience with coping with his illness.

I go every day and offer my help and someone for her to 'vent' to - otherwise she wouldn't see anyone else.

Since I'm there every day, I have noticed that dad will not do ANYTHING. I am certain he has the ability, but just not either the will or interest. And I'm talking very basic tasks..... switching lights on, taking empty tea cups into the kitchen. All he says is 'I'll do it in a minute'. It never gets done. He watches me do the housework, empty the washing machine etc, telling me to leave it. 'It'll give me something to do later.....'

However later never comes and if I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. I am not moaning about this at all, I feel it's my turn to look after my parents...... but I would like to know if this is common with people with Vascular Dementia?

TIA xx

 

[canary]

Yes, this apathy is very common. OH is still able to wash/dress, feed himself, but does nothing during the day. He has problems initiating tasks and no longer has the mental wherewithall to work out that things need doing. Although he sees me doing things it simply does not register.

As dementia (of all sorts) advances their word narrows and reduces, so that they can only see things and understand them in a way that relates to themselves - if it is not something that relates to their immediate want/need/comfort then it is simply not in their mind. They dont notice it any more than a child would. As carers we have to increasingly prompt, issue minute detail instructions and (mostly) do it for them.

 

[Fullticket]

It could be a bit of both. My mum was very good at manipulation and could never quite get around to doing things - so inevitably they got done for her. I am speaking about my mother as a 40 something year old and with all her capabilities. Scroll forward to her late 80s and early 90s and she was exactly the same. At some point she lost the capacity to realise these things needed doing but it is like the first time you out their clothes for them. They may still just have the capacity to choose themselves but you suggest that they might like you to do it for many reasons - speed, suitability, etc.
If your dad gets irritated when chased to do something you have to weigh up what's best for you. Do it yourself for a quiet life and perhaps his co-operation? Make him do it and risk a meltdown?

 

[Grannie G]

this is common with people with Vascular Dementia?

Hello TIA

Sadly you would find similarities in some people with dementia to your dad`s behaviour but the differences depend on so many other factors, basic personality, other medical conditions, other medication, loss of self esteem and self confidence or depression.

Confusion may be another factor and your dad may not respond to requests simply because he doesn`t know how.

I remember being quite ill myself and when I asked my husband to get me a drink of water, he said he didn`t know where the water was.

This doesn`t make it any easier for you or your mother but I am inclined to give your dad the benefit of the doubt for the reasons above.

. switching lights on

Does he still understand the function of the light switch?

taking empty tea cups into the kitchen

Is he sure where the kitchen is and does he know where to put the teacups when he gets there?

The trouble is, one day he may do these things and then on the days he is unable, it`s so easy to believe he is not cooperating.

 

[Mumof3kids]

Hello TIA

Sadly you would find similarities in some people with dementia to your dad`s behaviour but the differences depend on so many other factors, basic personality, other medical conditions, other medication, loss of self esteem and self confidence or depression.

Confusion may be another factor and your dad may not respond to requests simply because he doesn`t know how.

I remember being quite ill myself and when I asked my husband to get me a drink of water, he said he didn`t know where the water was.

This doesn`t make it any easier for you or your mother but I am inclined to give your dad the benefit of the doubt for the reasons above.



Does he still understand the function of the light switch?



Is he sure where the kitchen is and does he know where to put the teacups when he gets there?

The trouble is, one day he may do these things and then on the days he is unable, it`s so easy to believe he is not cooperating.

Thank you all very much for taking the time to reply . I am not sure if I'm replying to one post or all of your replies......

Yes I understand that this illness is a very personal one. I say to mum that perhaps it's anxiety/lack of understanding which prevents him from helping with tasks. However when they had their boiler serviced last week, (I was there when the engineer called), initially dad stayed in the living room whilst I was in the kitchen.... the radiator needed bleeding and next minute, dad was next to me talking to the guy with full interest and knowledge about what was going on - the engineer would not have known of his dementia. He carried himself in such a different way in which he does when it's just me and mum.

I do think it's easier for us/me to just get the jobs done, rather than causing a situation which could have been prevented.

Every evening he goes round the house switching the sockets off..... but then he forgets to switch them on the next morning.

I guess we need to just accept that there's nothing consistent about this illness. Every day is different, with some being better than others.

He doesn't appear interested in anything, yet is constantly asking 'what are we doing today....?'

Mum has been putting clothes out on the bed for him when they need to pop out either to the shops/appointments etc. She's learnt not to react when he comes down wearing the same (often dirty) top that he went upstairs to change. Like you say, some battles are just not worth the fight and can inflame a situation which could have been prevented.

I will continue to do my best and be there for them both. And hope my kids would do the same for me. xxxx

 

[Beate]

What you describe is quite typical and it's called host mode. The person with dementia will try to look normal in front of strangers and manage so for a short amount of time, but will revert back once said person is gone. It's exhausting business for them!

You say he still has capacity - have you managed to arrange power of attorney? It's such an important document to have!

 

[canary]

the engineer would not have known of his dementia. He carried himself in such a different way in which he does when it's just me and mum.

Id just like to mention that there is a phenomenon known on here as "hosting" where when someone comes round to visit - family, medical, workmen etc - the person with dementia can sort of suppress their symptoms and appear almost normal. It takes a lot of effort, though, and they cant maintain it for long so they end up tired and grumpy when the person has gone home again. Mum could do hostessing almost up until the end.

BTW, my OH can talk about things, but cannot work out how to put it into practice, so there might be some of that too. He will talk most eloquently about climate control and the need to conserve energy, but then go round switching on every single light in the house - even during the day!

 

[maryjoan]

Just wondering about 'hosting' - I have seen it in my OH frequently.

When it occurs, does the PWD make a conscious effort to appear normal or is it something they have no control over?

 

[Mumof3kids]

What you describe is quite typical and it's called host mode. The person with dementia will try to look normal in front of strangers and manage so for a short amount of time, but will revert back once said person is gone. It's exhausting business for them!

You say he still has capacity - have you managed to arrange power of attorney? It's such an important document to have!

This is really interesting, thank you for explaining it. I had no idea that this was 'a thing'. My dad certainly does this a lot. Often my mum enjoys going to the supermarket (not necessarily the effort and stress it causes to get him out of the house) but she'll often remark that when they bump into people they know, that he reverts back to 'normal', 'just like your dad used to be'. But then changes ever so quickly back. It makes sense now.

Yes we have completed the POA forms and posted them to the Office, we are waiting to hear back. The GP carried out a medical assessment on dad, and was confident that dad was aware of the situation.

 

[Mumof3kids]

Id just like to mention that there is a phenomenon known on here as "hosting" where when someone comes round to visit - family, medical, workmen etc - the person with dementia can sort of suppress their symptoms and appear almost normal. It takes a lot of effort, though, and they cant maintain it for long so they end up tired and grumpy when the person has gone home again. Mum could do hostessing almost up until the end.

BTW, my OH can talk about things, but cannot work out how to put it into practice, so there might be some of that too. He will talk most eloquently about climate control and the need to conserve energy, but then go round switching on every single light in the house - even during the day!

This is so my dad. It explains how his personality seems to 'change'. Make so much sense now you've explained it. Thank you. And yes, he has an opinion on everything covered in the news and seems to keep up with it. But contradicts himself constantly, so we just agree with however he responds ..... it's easier that way.

 

[Grannie G]

@Mumof3kids

I`ve told this story time and time again but once more won't hurt.

When I was concerned my husband was losing his mobility I requested a physiotherapy assessment. When the therapist came to the house my husband managed to follow all his instructions to the letter, he practically danced around the room.

The therapist thought I was over anxious.

 

[Mumof3kids]

Just wondering about 'hosting' - I have seen it in my OH frequently.

When it occurs, does the PWD make a conscious effort to appear normal or is it something they have no control over?

Now it's been explained to be, I would say, in my dad's case, that it is him making a conscious effort to appear normal. I remember one instance of my mum being upset in the way he was talking to her in the shop (I think caused by anxiety and fear of being out and about) yet an old friend walked by and he quite literally changed into a happy go lucky chap, smiling, chit chatting (albeit asking the same questions...). Mum couldn't believe the change. But was thankful for it.

 

[Mumof3kids]

@Mumof3kids

I`ve told this story time and time again but once more won't hurt.

When I was concerned my husband was losing his mobility I requested a physiotherapy assessment. When the therapist came to the house my husband managed to follow all his instructions to the letter, he practically danced around the room.

The therapist thought I was over anxious.

Thank you for sharing.

My dad had a nurse allocated to him from the Memory Clinic. However he only visited twice and then wrote report saying how well my dad was doing and it wasn't necessary with the home visits. Mum said she couldn't believe how well dad conducted himself and kept up with the conversation.

 

[canary]

When it occurs, does the PWD make a conscious effort to appear normal or is it something they have no control over?

I think its almost subconcious - a bit like when we go out and feel that we have to be on our best behaviour. Having other people around certainly triggers something, but Im not sure that it is even conscious, let alone deliberate. When mum was in the severe stage she didnt know where she was, what year it was, often thought I was her mum, didnt recognise other family members, was doubly incontinent, couldnt read - and yet ....... she would be taken to the hospital for her glaucoma and suddenly you wouldnt believe that she had dementia.

 

[sinkhole]

My aunt had some hearing loss in one ear, but not enough that it would affect a normal conversation with her. Once in the memory clinic, however, she would claim she couldn't hear the questions, even though they were almost shouting them at her! I quickly realised this was a tactic of hers to play for time while she tried to come up with the answers.

Now, my mum is showing signs of dementia and I'm noticing that she is using her eyesight as an excuse when she gets things wrong. This is even though the eye clinic told her last week that she actually did better in their tests than the year before!

There's certainly a degree of 'craftiness' involved, but how much of it is conscious and how much is some sort of unconscious defence mechanism, I'm not sure.

We have the memory clinic visiting mum to give her the diagnosis tomorrow. One thing is for sure - the CT scan won't lie.

 

[Mumof3kids]

My aunt had some hearing loss in one ear, but not enough that it would affect a normal conversation with her. Once in the memory clinic, however, she would claim she couldn't hear the questions, even though they were almost shouting them at her! I quickly realised this was a tactic of hers to play for time while she tried to come up with the answers.

Now, my mum is showing signs of dementia and I'm noticing that she is using her eyesight as an excuse when she gets things wrong. This is even though the eye clinic told her last week that she actually did better in their tests than the year before!

There's certainly a degree of 'craftiness' involved, but how much of it is conscious and how much is some sort of unconscious defence mechanism, I'm not sure.

We have the memory clinic visiting mum to give her the diagnosis tomorrow. One thing is for sure - the CT scan won't lie.

Best wishes for tomorrow.

 

[DeMartin]

Mum used deflection, when asked about name of prime minster, began talking about Churchill’s funeral.