Would a care home be better for mum than living alone

[avalon]

My mum has Alzheimer's diagnosed 2 years ago. She lives alone and goes to a day centre 2 days a week. As a family we think she is not coping well . She is doing almost nothing including and is not caring for herself unless I moan at her. Last week I found she was eating blue bread. She never has a conversation with us. My sister visited last week mum hardly spoke to her. However when she sees any doctor etc she is chatty and comes over as very capable and they say she is ok
I spoke to the day centre and they said she is fine joins in social activities looks after her self and is a long way from needing full time care

I just don't know what to do next as we feel she might be better somewhere where she could have 24 hour contact with other people .
But feel that everyone will feel we are trying to get rid of her

 

[father ted]

Maybe you could increase her days at the day centre as she seems to be OK there. If she has a main meal there she could just have something light in the evening. In addition you could get an evening visit from an agency? Social isolation can be just as debilitating as any disease- my Mum has thrived since being in a home but personally I would try other things first.

 

[j.s.king]

Avalon, I have the same dilemma with my dad , I know he would be better in a care home than sitting alone in his chair all day. care workers come in the morning to wash him and prompt his medication and I visit every afternoon to prepare his meals and sort out everything else but he doesn't remember whose been or what time of day it is . He would be local authority funded and they aren't prepared to pay for him to go into a home when im away even so unless he starts having falls or wandering I think he's stuck at home with their limited support and paying from his savings for the extra support he needs. We are paying for him to go into a home for 2 weeks respite whilst im on holiday in May so it will be interesting to see how he gets on there and what the care home staff think he needs. im sure someone else on here will be able to offer some advice that maybe both of us could find useful ...

 

[jugglingmum]

What about sheltered extra care, a half way step between living alone and a care home, my mum has thrived since she moved in. In some areas there is a lot of provision and in others none. My mum has her own flat, but goes to the restaurant for lunch and joins in some of the activities.

I buy all my mum's food, throw out gone off food once a week, she gets her own breakfast and makes cups of tea as needed, and carers come in to microwave an evening meal, this has been added in the last year, before that she was making her own sandwich.

Edited to add: my mum is very happy where she is, she enjoys seeing the carers who pop into give her meds, etc, and as a 15 minute call is only just walking along the corridor, she gets the full 15 minutes most of it chatting to her.

I do think that people strive to keep a parent in their own home, thinking the familiar is important, but they are lonely and having a rushed carer pop in and out without time for conversation isn't enough.

I often see residents sitting in communal areas enjoying watching the world go by, being part of it.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @avalon

However sociable your mum is at the day centre it is apparent she spends many hours alone when she does sound lonely and is unable to occupy herself productively .

This is the difference, as I found, between caring for a parent and caring for a partner.

My mother went into residential care well before my husband because he had 24/7 care and my mother only had day care.

I don't think medics take that into consideration.

 

[SnowWhite]

Someone mentioned their Dad sitting in a chair all day. My friends Dad sat on a hard kitchen chair for about 5 years. day in, day out he sat in a small, sunless kitchen. My friend tried to encourage him to sit in the sunny lounge on the sofa or at least in a comfortable chair but he wouldnt. he had visits every day either from her or the carers and nobody could get him to move.

 

[SKD]

I too am trying to work out whether we have reached the point of a care home - Mum is still living in her own place with four care visits a day and two trips to the day centre each week plus fortnightly two day visits from me and some other family dropping by when I am not around. She is mobile and continent and eats reasonably well when given a meal but can't make a cup of tea, switch on the tv or do many simple tasks without prompting and is a bit haphazard as regards answering the phone! We have also had a couple of wandering incidents reported to adult social services and her confabulations are almost constant now. She loves the day centre who have lots of brilliant activities and I worry about taking her away from that stimulation. On a good day I think noway is she ready for residential care and on a bad day I think we can't cope any more. She is over 200 miles away and moving to mine isn't on as our house has lots of stairs, we both work and also have my husband's mother to look after (also a drive away). I've decided to try and start looking at suitable places for partly to guage whether they are suitable- she does still respond to stimulation and if that is available she might be far better living with others. It should give me a better idea of where we are - at least that is the hope.

 

[Carobby]

I am in the same position Avalon Although my mum lives with us I am unsure if my mum is ready for a permanent placement. I however I think for a good mother daughter relationship its is best she stays in care as I cannot deal with her aggressive out burst which I know will only get worse and are always focused at me.

We agreed as a family for her to move in with us and be part of our future plans as she was sitting at home just smoking and watching television but we did not know she had dementia I just thought her lack of self care and moodiness was down to her falling sight and lack of hearing.

It has turned my life up side down as all future plans I had are now on hold. I have had a months respite care and mum is due back next week it has been lovely I have felt free to do what I want and on occasions have not given my mum a second thought. I am however starting to feel very guilty.

She is having a assessment for care but I know will appear to be very well were as here she can not do any thing only empty the dishwasher but only when i have told her that it is clean and ready to empty 4 times I phone her if i at work to remind her to take her tablets and sometimes she forgets or ask me when i get home if she has taken them. she sits in my kitchen all day watching television going into the garden to smoke she has no conversation when i come home and I feel guilty that she has been alone all day
.
I feel that at least in care she will have companionship all day and some one around at night
I could move her to her own flat but then we are back to square one

I would like your thoughts as it will assist me greatly in my future decision as to where my mum lives.

 

[Kikki21]

I am also facing this decision after today’s meeting. My mum really has no choice as she is classed as severe on the cognition scale. And for that she is a vulnerable adult so keeping her safe is a priority. 4 short care calls a day won’t cut it & she will have no one on call at night.

 

[Carobby]

I am also facing this decision after today’s meeting. My mum really has no choice as she is classed as severe on the cognition scale. And for that she is a vulnerable adult so keeping her safe is a priority. 4 short care calls a day won’t cut it & she will have no one on call at night.

I believe my mum is severe on the cognition scale as she fared poorly in the cognition test.
she however does appear to know what she wants and tell everyone she cooks and shops but has not done this for herself for two year. i'm only hoping she ha shown the care home her true colors. She also has been going to a day centro she has her hair done and they tell me she interacts well although keeps telling them she is not like the others \just before she went into respite she seem very keen on the day center but only remembers she goes there once she is through the door, then when i pick her up says she is not coming here again as they play with dolls. I just feel sad for her as I don.t want to put her in a home but I still think it will give us all including her a quality of life

 

[Kikki21]

I believe my mum is severe on the cognition scale as she fared poorly in the cognition test.
she however does appear to know what she wants and tell everyone she cooks and shops but has not done this for herself for two year. i'm only hoping she ha shown the care home her true colors. She also has been going to a day centro she has her hair done and they tell me she interacts well although keeps telling them she is not like the others \just before she went into respite she seem very keen on the day center but only remembers she goes there once she is through the door, then when i pick her up says she is not coming here again as they play with dolls. I just feel sad for her as I don.t want to put her in a home but I still think it will give us all including her a quality of life

I totally know how you feel @Carobby - hopefully she may interact with people in a care home but not sure if that will happen but at least she can have care & supervision on hand & I will know she is being cared for.

 

[Carobby]

I totally know how you feel @Carobby - hopefully she may interact with people in a care home but not sure if that will happen but at least she can have care & supervision on hand & I will know she is being cared for.

I think that we have to console our self that in a care home they are safe warm and well feed if anything happens to them there is some one there to help. our lives would be full of worry if they live alone but it making them understand that is impossible unfortunately they never will

 

[Kikki21]

I think that we have to console our self that in a care home they are safe warm and well feed if anything happens to them there is some one there to help. our lives would be full of worry if they live alone but it making them understand that is impossible unfortunately they never will

I have tried to assure my mum that we are finding her a special home - she isn’t kicking off about that yet as she forgets she has her own home but she has started to question if my dad or her sister is alive ( they aren’t) so I don’t think we will have too much of a problem. She has been in a hospital environment since before Christmas.

 

[Carobby]

I have tried to assure my mum that we are finding her a special home - she isn’t kicking off about that yet as she forgets she has her own home but she has started to question if my dad or her sister is alive ( they aren’t) so I don’t think we will have too much of a problem. She has been in a hospital environment since before Christmas.

That should make for an easy transition for your mum. my mum moved from her home to us and always when she argues says " I best get my own place" or " I'm going to call my sons and see if I can stay with them" They have not wanted to know her for years and she has lived with me for two years.but i dont get a mention just verbal abuse. which im sure that is what i will get once she comes out of respite

 

[Kikki21]

That should make for an easy transition for your mum. my mum moved from her home to us and always when she argues says " I best get my own place" or " I'm going to call my sons and see if I can stay with them" They have not wanted to know her for years and she has lived with me for two years.but i dont get a mention just verbal abuse. which im sure that is what i will get once she comes out of respite

It is very difficult though & she can kick off & does so when things are not done how she wants them to be!
You do have to think of your own needs & your family & if all you are getting is grief then I wouldn’t hesitate to look at care home options. I am sure you have done your best but there comes a time when you cannot do anymore.

 

[Carobby]

It is very difficult though & she can kick off & does so when things are not done how she wants them to be!
You do have to think of your own needs & your family & if all you are getting is grief then I wouldn’t hesitate to look at care home options. I am sure you have done your best but there comes a time when you cannot do anymore.

My Mum Kicked off when she was just going for lunch at the care home she is staying only because we had to wait and she got agitated so I know what you mean. I then was worried all week how I was going to get her back there. I was quite surprised she actually did not remember the place at all I just left her at the door. I had already taken her stuff the day before so it was a breeze getting her in. If she does not get accepted for care I dont know what she it going to be like Im sure she will kick off for a few days once back with me. I only wish I had the monry to put her in one of the assisted living units

 

[Kikki21]

My Mum Kicked off when she was just going for lunch at the care home she is staying only because we had to wait and she got agitated so I know what you mean. I then was worried all week how I was going to get her back there. I was quite surprised she actually did not remember the place at all I just left her at the door. I had already taken her stuff the day before so it was a breeze getting her in. If she does not get accepted for care I dont know what she it going to be like Im sure she will kick off for a few days once back with me. I only wish I had the monry to put her in one of the assisted living units

It is so difficult & we don’t have money ourselves as yet but at least my mum has some savings & her house. I always say that it is a special home to my mum where she will be looked after & not lonely but I expect she will kick off until she settles down. It will be her third move since December so I don’t blame her for that.

 

[SKD]

I can sympathise with the desire to maintain the daughter-mother relationship - so far Mum's frustration is entirely verbal but I am the main target - occasionally my husband. It is hard to cope with and my biggest fear is ending up hating my mother. We've had our ups and downs over the years but have always had a reasonable relationship.

 

[Carobby]

I have just spoken to the care home mum has settled really well has a new friend apparently they are inseparable. She has stopped saying she wants to go home. when she was saying that it was her home in london back in the 40's where she grew up. Apparently she never mentions my name although she knows she has a daughter. I actually feel less guilty now as I know its is the best place for her at least she has company all day and plenty of stimulation.She gets her SS assessment tomorrow so all being well she will stay where she is and once fully settled I can start visiting her.

 

[Pickles53]

My mum lived alone with no relatives closer than 60 miles away - that was me. She managed reasonably well until her mobility and confidence declined to the point that she wouldn’t go out alone. Then she became totally isolated as her friends didn’t visit much (not even from the church she had attended for more than 30 years ). Carer visits/my visits kept things going for a while but after a couple of incidents eg leaving the gas on we went for the care home option and I have never regretted it. I can’t say she was happy there, but she was safe, well-cared for and able to see more of her family much more often.

Ignore what anyone else thinks/might think/might say. Only those directly involved in caring know what is the right decision for the person they’re caring for.