Why do I feel I'm the only one who has put their Mum in a care home?
- Thread starter yak55
- Start date
Hi Amy, thanks for thinking of me.
After last Mondays visit I was really down and crying at silly things. Panicking about the house sale too. I visited Mum yesterday and she seemed more rested so I'm hoping the new medication will help her anxiety and sleep problems.
It's still early days and it's still tough but that's life, I really want Mum to be happy and settled and to forget what once was and move on with this stage of her life, there's no other choice sadly. I'm sure it will be a roller coaster of a journey x
Yak, you're welcome. You sound better this evening. I'm glad to hear you are feeling a little less overwhelmed.
I hope the medication does help your mum. I remember when my mother was having anxiety and it was awful for her, and horrifying to watch, she would get so distressed and nothing seemed to help. She wasn't eating, sleeping, washing, she just paced and was frightened all the time. Mercifully a change in meds (and better sleep, nutrition, and 24/7 care) helped her and we have not had a return of the anxiety at that level.
I struggled for a long time, wanting my mother to be happy, until I finally realised that the dementia, plus her personality before, meant she likely couldn't be happy in the way that I think of, as happy. She is settled and content and well cared for, and she has moments of enjoyment and pleasure. I figure that is probably the best I can hope for. The things that would make her happy, truly happy, are impossible (to return to people and places long vanished into the past).
Maybe that isn't true in your case, and you can find a way for your mother to be happy. Just, please, don't kill yourself trying!
I have also done the house sale, and it's not fun, either. Best wishes for that as well. Please hang in there!
I hope the medication does help your mum. I remember when my mother was having anxiety and it was awful for her, and horrifying to watch, she would get so distressed and nothing seemed to help. She wasn't eating, sleeping, washing, she just paced and was frightened all the time. Mercifully a change in meds (and better sleep, nutrition, and 24/7 care) helped her and we have not had a return of the anxiety at that level.
I struggled for a long time, wanting my mother to be happy, until I finally realised that the dementia, plus her personality before, meant she likely couldn't be happy in the way that I think of, as happy. She is settled and content and well cared for, and she has moments of enjoyment and pleasure. I figure that is probably the best I can hope for. The things that would make her happy, truly happy, are impossible (to return to people and places long vanished into the past).
Maybe that isn't true in your case, and you can find a way for your mother to be happy. Just, please, don't kill yourself trying!
I have also done the house sale, and it's not fun, either. Best wishes for that as well. Please hang in there!
Thank you Amy, our Mums can be happy but you are right, things, people and places that once madebthem happy are long gone and it's best to look forward. Like your mum my mum is safe and well cared for and I must keep reminding myself and believe that I can and am allowed to be happy too and go into the next stage of my life with my husband, children and grandchildren.
It really helps to hear your story and to know you are just a click away. Take care of yourself and love to you and your mum x
We eventually had to do it twice - my FiL and my mother - because by then it was the only viable way to give them the 24/7 care and supervision they needed.
With FiL - the first - I did often feel bad or like the only one, because so many people (including the odd relative who'd never looked after him) would say piously that they could NEVER put their loved one in a home, and thus imply that I (the one doing 99% of it) was uncaring/selfish.
Of course these were people who'd never had to deal with dementia even for a day, and were probably under the all too common impression that it was just a case of a nice old thing gently getting a bit more dotty/forgetful.
One of these people did subsequently have her eyes opened by experience, and had the grace to apologise.
By the time it came to my mother, several years later, I was much less affected by negative thoughts and let any pious comments wash over me.
With FiL - the first - I did often feel bad or like the only one, because so many people (including the odd relative who'd never looked after him) would say piously that they could NEVER put their loved one in a home, and thus imply that I (the one doing 99% of it) was uncaring/selfish.
Of course these were people who'd never had to deal with dementia even for a day, and were probably under the all too common impression that it was just a case of a nice old thing gently getting a bit more dotty/forgetful.
One of these people did subsequently have her eyes opened by experience, and had the grace to apologise.
By the time it came to my mother, several years later, I was much less affected by negative thoughts and let any pious comments wash over me.
Yes and that you can live well with dementia...some can in the early stages but beyond that...also when people say they would never move their loved ones to a home ever...makes me think they have not seen or dealt with dementia first hand!
Yak, thank you for the good wishes, and here are some returned to you, and a couple of ((hugs)) for good measure.
Hope you are doing okay today.
It does help to know that here on TP we are all, as you say, just a click away. I like my local support group, too, but for other reasons. TP is always open!
Hope you are doing okay today.
It does help to know that here on TP we are all, as you say, just a click away. I like my local support group, too, but for other reasons. TP is always open!
