Do I move Mum in with me?

[Annie M]

Thank you so much - all of you.

I think that I was most helped by the lack of freedom you all expressed. I will certainly think very carefully about moving Mum, but now I have some real-life experiences to draw on in helping me make that decision.
Thank you again for all your comments and the time you spent replying. I'll keep you posted and will certainly be back to TP - see, I'm learning the jargon already!

 

[lemonjuice]

I think that I was most helped by the lack of freedom you all expressed. I will certainly think very carefully about moving Mum, but now I have some real-life experiences to draw on in helping me make that decision.
Thank you again for all your comments and the time you spent replying. I'll keep you posted and will certainly be back to TP - see, I'm learning the jargon already!

And if/when you do decide on a NH/Care Home try not to feel guilty that you've reached that decision.
I know 5 and a half years after placing my Mum I know I still struggle with the decision, but when I visit and see her condition- basically totally dependent, in her bedeither sleeping or if awake in a trance-like state, the sensible head reminds me that I could not cope with this on my own. At least the carers have no emotional attachment and can go back to their own homes at the end of their shft.

 

[Julia B]

hello

MIL lives with us, a purpose built annexe, she has for 3.5 years and in that time we rarely manage a walk together, hubby is her carer and she's starting to forget who he is, her family don't visit, my kids help when they can but both at uni ( she's not their grandma, Michael and I got married 18 months ago. I love her, but I resent her. Its 24/7, me working full time then giving him a break from the endless questions, MIL thinks her parents are still alive and she might go home...she's 83, her other son can't cope so has decided not to visit...we are exhausted ( she has a sensor alarm which goes off several times a night), the illness is fairly advanced and she is becoming incontinent, refuses food, tells us things are being stolen, the list is endless. I've told my kids never to care for me, I would never ever wish this life on them. Our whole life revolves around MIL, I'm proud of us BUT I'm so so tired, I miss a life with my gorgeous husband, walks or theatre or even just a night without interruption....please think carefully sweetheart, you won't have a life until they pass away...MIL could last for years, we lose a bit more of her personality each week but we will care for her until she passes away ( she made her sons promise they'd never put her in a home, so we won't). All the best x

 

[jknight]

I feel bad because I am an only child and I know I can't look after mum in my home. I will do everything to keep her in her own home.

 

[Karenlansbury]

I can hear the chorus of voices calling " don't do it" from here!!

Hello Annie and welcome. First of all, I must say that I admire you for even considering having your Mum to live with you. There have been many here for whom this plan worked and, No, it's not inevitable that Mum ends of in a CH but its more likely.

Having Mum live with you, even in an annex generally means goodbye to privacy. You will still be able to have carers in but basically you will be on call 24/7. Your own children will have to devote a huge part of their lives to Gran.... even if they do not do hands on caring. Then there is the problem of building an annex and will you be able to a) get planning permission and b) sell the property easily when you want to move?

What I'd like to suggest is that you look at Ann Mac's " So Bizarre" thread. If you start at the beginning ( and I don't intend that you read it all.... it goes back quite some time), you will get an idea of how difficult her life was with her Mother in Law living in with her and her family.

Sadly, Dementia is progressive disease and the Mum you know now may not be an amenable person 6 months down the line.Perhaps you could try having her stay in your house for a weekend or better still, to give you a picture of how you would manage while you are working, you should try having Mum stay during the day for a few days.
Good luck with whatever you choose and keep in touch.

Hi, I'm new to Talking Point and would appreciate some points of view of other carers.
I'm an only child and live in the UK with my husband; we both work full time. I am self-employed working from home most of the time. My husband will be retiring is a couple of years but I want to keep working as long as I am able. My 88 year old mother was diagnosed three years ago. She lives just half a mile from us. I care for my mother with the help of my husband, my daughter, son and a professional carer who visits Mum twice a week to wash her and give us a day off. At the moment, we are giving Mum about two hours per day to serve a main meal, company and run the house/garden etc.
My question is about the future - isn't it always? We are considering building an extension so that we can have Mum live in an annexe with us and I want to know how possible it would be for us to care for her at home as she completes her dementia journey. I'm given to understand that it is inevitable that she goes into a care home at the end of her life, but would like to hear from families who care for their parent at home - with professional help where necessary - and whether you think it is sensible to try to take this route.
Thank you x

Hi, so I am new as well to talking point, so hello! My mum was diagnosed in 2018. We lost my dad at the end of 2018 and they had been married for 54 years and were still in love. When mum was on her own and probably around stage 3 to 4 of dementia, it seemed natural for her to move in with me and my son. The house was big enough , I was working and she had always been one of my best friends… so why not. She has been the very best mum anyone could ever ask for. So mum moved in feb 2019 1 year post diagnosis mixed dementia. My self and my new husband have spent 3.5 years watching her weekly decline. At first mum was able to bath herself, make a cup of tea, help out with sone basic chores etc. this morning I sat in the car outside her day care ( 3 times a week for 5 hours) in floods of tears… I don’t even know what I was crying about? It’s a massive responsibility, I wait outside the bathroom if she goes to the loo for hand washing duties and my poor mum can’t remember how to wash and dry her hands ( always been a clean freak kady) . I have to stand in the shower with my mum x2 a week, we have sensor lights and mats all over our house. My husband and I are like passing ships .. we text each other for restbite during the day , whether it’s to nip to the loo or have a shower. Mum has 2 grandsons and yesterday I arranged for them to see mum for 2 hours each just to have sone normality with my husband at dinner time. I feel guilty saying it but friends who had experienced the same situation, warned me… my reply was don’t be ridiculous, it’s my mum of course I’m going to look after her. We still say it to each other now, we’ll of course mum won’t go into NH, in reality I think she will? We also both work from home, I have always been career focused however, we have both had to change jobs loosing big salaries and the time will come that we have to look at putting ourselves first. I don’t know what I should have done but if your mum has enough support to be safe and happy, look at arranging sone day care, where they pick mum up and she mixes with other people with the same condition, it’s kinder for her. We have found recently that for mum to socialise with people that are not suffering with this awful condition actually makes her more anxious. Please don’t judge as we are doing our very best to keep mum safe & happy as she deserves but I would honestly recommend doing everything else possible first

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hi, so I am new as well to talking point, so hello! My mum was diagnosed in 2018. We lost my dad at the end of 2018 and they had been married for 54 years and were still in love. When mum was on her own and probably around stage 3 to 4 of dementia, it seemed natural for her to move in with me and my son. The house was big enough , I was working and she had always been one of my best friends… so why not. She has been the very best mum anyone could ever ask for. So mum moved in feb 2019 1 year post diagnosis mixed dementia. My self and my new husband have spent 3.5 years watching her weekly decline. At first mum was able to bath herself, make a cup of tea, help out with sone basic chores etc. this morning I sat in the car outside her day care ( 3 times a week for 5 hours) in floods of tears… I don’t even know what I was crying about? It’s a massive responsibility, I wait outside the bathroom if she goes to the loo for hand washing duties and my poor mum can’t remember how to wash and dry her hands ( always been a clean freak kady) . I have to stand in the shower with my mum x2 a week, we have sensor lights and mats all over our house. My husband and I are like passing ships .. we text each other for restbite during the day , whether it’s to nip to the loo or have a shower. Mum has 2 grandsons and yesterday I arranged for them to see mum for 2 hours each just to have sone normality with my husband at dinner time. I feel guilty saying it but friends who had experienced the same situation, warned me… my reply was don’t be ridiculous, it’s my mum of course I’m going to look after her. We still say it to each other now, we’ll of course mum won’t go into NH, in reality I think she will? We also both work from home, I have always been career focused however, we have both had to change jobs loosing big salaries and the time will come that we have to look at putting ourselves first. I don’t know what I should have done but if your mum I

Hello and welcome to Talking Point @Karenlansbury. This is quite an old thread and you might not receive any replies from the original posters. From everything that you have said about your mum and how it is affecting your home life, both your own and your husband's careers and even the lack of time that you can spend with your husband I really do think that it is time that you consider whether or not your mum would be better in a nursing home. This would not mean that you would no longer be caring for her, but rather that you would be her advocate and could also return to being her daughter rather than a tired carer. I hope that this helps a little.
You might find it helpful to start a thread of your own in the area below where you are likely to receive more help and advice.

I care for a person with dementia

This forum is for people who are involved in the care of a person with dementia.

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[SeaSwallow]

My mom is living with me, and the emotional stress is getting to me big time. It's now at the point where she wears adult nappies. I personally would love to put her in a care home now because I am at breaking point. But in our country this care is too expensive. So I just have to put up with it all! I frequently get outburst and want to run away!

I am so sorry to read about the lack of help in your country, it must make things very difficult.