It's Rebecca here again.
I am 30 and my Dad is 70 and he has vascular dementia, which seems to be getting particularly worse at the moment. His state of mind and behaviour fluctuate, though his bad memory problems are constant. He can still sometimes be quite lucid, but also seems to have touches of the paranoia, confusion and aggression that come with the illness.[Though he has actually always had a tendency towards some of these behaviours anyway].
Myself and my sister both live in London and he lives in the Midlands, so we try to care for him at a distance, though we also yo-yo up and down a lot between London and the Midlands.
There are numerous instances of myself and my sister trying to deal with his very difficult, irrational, often insensitive and sometimes aggressive behaviour in public [my Mum is mostly out of the picture on a day-to-day basis as she left him a year ago due to his behaviour, though before he was diagnosed].....but there is a recent issue which is serious and I just don't know what to do.
The issue I'd really appreciate any advice regarding is that prior to retirement my parents'work was jointly running an independent, residential special school for children and young adults. My Father ceased being a Director of the school/business a few years ago and my Mum is mostly retired, but still has some responsibilities regarding the school and some involvement with it, alongside their apppointed management team.
Recently my Dad has been turning up at the school and being demanding and unreasonable about his involvement and money issues and upsetting the staff and opening letters that are not addressed to him and generally being interfering and inappropriate. He does not really even have any right or reason to go into the buliding, particularly unannounced, as he ceased his direct Directorial involvement [though I think he has forgotten this] and he is not now able to behave in a way that is reasonable towards the staff. Though he seems to believe he has the right to give them orders and be bossy.
I think he is confused and trying to assert his presence or authority, but it is completely misguided and inappropriate and he is upsetting a lot of people there, including my Mum who does not know what to do to deter him.
In desperation, she suggested the possibility of getting an injunction to ban him from the building, but as I'm sure many of you know, there is usually little point in trying to enforce anything to reason with someone who is increasingly incapable of behaving rationally.
Also, this would be unlikely to deter him anyway as he also had his driving licence taken away earler this year follwing a serious crash that was found in court to be his fault and he has since got in a car twice and driven it on the roads, even though it is illegal. I didn't know what to do in those situations either ~ I was ready to call the Police, but my sister said not to. Should I call the Police and report my own father? Would he get off on 'diminished responsibility' and is it my responsibility? Am I guilty of negilgence/being an'accessory'if I do nothing?
The driving issue is another problem, but at the moment we need to know what to do to stop him going into the school. He gets people [including a local man he uses as a driver]to drive him to places and they are in a difficult position to refuse him as he can be persuasive and threatening.
Myself and my sister did go to a solicitior with my Dad as he agreed to set up power of attorney ~ though it is not fully in action, it has the clause that it only comes into action when a Doctor signs something to cofirm he is entirely incapable of managing his own affairs.
We now feel desperate. Apart from locking him up/sectioning? [which seems neither fair, nor possible] or sitting with him 24 hours a day to intervene in his actions where necessary, we just cannot keep up, or predict what he's going to do next and if anyone is going to get seriously hurt emotionally or physically as a result of his behaviour. It is out of control. We also know as his illness progresses this is likely to get worse and this fills me with dread.
I am trying to have a life myself and I've been waking up every day feeling sick about what's going to happen. My relationship and career are strained.
I am sorry to write such a lengthy message, but I am at the end of my tether. We cannot cope and am starting to feel like I want to run away and hide and never see my Dad again. I know this isn't necessarily a real solution, and on good days I do care about him. But the good days are becoming less and less frequent.
Rebecca
I am 30 and my Dad is 70 and he has vascular dementia, which seems to be getting particularly worse at the moment. His state of mind and behaviour fluctuate, though his bad memory problems are constant. He can still sometimes be quite lucid, but also seems to have touches of the paranoia, confusion and aggression that come with the illness.[Though he has actually always had a tendency towards some of these behaviours anyway].
Myself and my sister both live in London and he lives in the Midlands, so we try to care for him at a distance, though we also yo-yo up and down a lot between London and the Midlands.
There are numerous instances of myself and my sister trying to deal with his very difficult, irrational, often insensitive and sometimes aggressive behaviour in public [my Mum is mostly out of the picture on a day-to-day basis as she left him a year ago due to his behaviour, though before he was diagnosed].....but there is a recent issue which is serious and I just don't know what to do.
The issue I'd really appreciate any advice regarding is that prior to retirement my parents'work was jointly running an independent, residential special school for children and young adults. My Father ceased being a Director of the school/business a few years ago and my Mum is mostly retired, but still has some responsibilities regarding the school and some involvement with it, alongside their apppointed management team.
Recently my Dad has been turning up at the school and being demanding and unreasonable about his involvement and money issues and upsetting the staff and opening letters that are not addressed to him and generally being interfering and inappropriate. He does not really even have any right or reason to go into the buliding, particularly unannounced, as he ceased his direct Directorial involvement [though I think he has forgotten this] and he is not now able to behave in a way that is reasonable towards the staff. Though he seems to believe he has the right to give them orders and be bossy.
I think he is confused and trying to assert his presence or authority, but it is completely misguided and inappropriate and he is upsetting a lot of people there, including my Mum who does not know what to do to deter him.
In desperation, she suggested the possibility of getting an injunction to ban him from the building, but as I'm sure many of you know, there is usually little point in trying to enforce anything to reason with someone who is increasingly incapable of behaving rationally.
Also, this would be unlikely to deter him anyway as he also had his driving licence taken away earler this year follwing a serious crash that was found in court to be his fault and he has since got in a car twice and driven it on the roads, even though it is illegal. I didn't know what to do in those situations either ~ I was ready to call the Police, but my sister said not to. Should I call the Police and report my own father? Would he get off on 'diminished responsibility' and is it my responsibility? Am I guilty of negilgence/being an'accessory'if I do nothing?
The driving issue is another problem, but at the moment we need to know what to do to stop him going into the school. He gets people [including a local man he uses as a driver]to drive him to places and they are in a difficult position to refuse him as he can be persuasive and threatening.
Myself and my sister did go to a solicitior with my Dad as he agreed to set up power of attorney ~ though it is not fully in action, it has the clause that it only comes into action when a Doctor signs something to cofirm he is entirely incapable of managing his own affairs.
We now feel desperate. Apart from locking him up/sectioning? [which seems neither fair, nor possible] or sitting with him 24 hours a day to intervene in his actions where necessary, we just cannot keep up, or predict what he's going to do next and if anyone is going to get seriously hurt emotionally or physically as a result of his behaviour. It is out of control. We also know as his illness progresses this is likely to get worse and this fills me with dread.
I am trying to have a life myself and I've been waking up every day feeling sick about what's going to happen. My relationship and career are strained.
I am sorry to write such a lengthy message, but I am at the end of my tether. We cannot cope and am starting to feel like I want to run away and hide and never see my Dad again. I know this isn't necessarily a real solution, and on good days I do care about him. But the good days are becoming less and less frequent.
Rebecca