Dear Rebecca

First off I have to say I have no idea how you can stop him going to the school. Yes they could get an injunction, but as you say, he either won't remember or won't abide by it. Of course, when he breaks such an injuction there will be legal ramifications, but short of locking him up, I can't see what could be done. The car though - that you can/should do something about. He is sometimes driving without either a license or insurance - I have to ask you - why is a car even accessible to him still? It needs to be removed or disabled, and I really think the kindest thing to do would be remove it. If it's still there, it's either a constant reminder of something he can't do, or a constant temptation. As to people driving him there: I'm sorry but somehow someone needs to stiffen their backbone. I have no idea if this would work, but could your mother's solicitor write a letter to this driver. That might work better if there was an injuction in place though (I'm just speculating here) since then it could be pointed out that driving him there is facilitating an illegal (?) act. I fully understand when family find it difficult to say no in this sort of situation but somone outside the family unit: you have to make them more frightened of the consequences of giving way to him, than of him, if you see what I mean.

 

Hi Rebecca.

What a problem! I do sympathise.

Is there any possibility that you could first of all speak to his GP or consultant and explain what is happening and if there is any medication or change of medication that could help?

Would you also be able to chat to the staff in ths school and explain fully the problem to them? This is a difficult one as it may breach a confidence but it may also help them to deal with your Dad and be more understanding, as I think that you are probably right and that your Dad has forgotten that his work with the school is over.

It is often difficult to know how to approach the problem but if people are aware they are often more able to help although sometimes quite a lot of education can be needed to help them understand that this is not your Dad but the dreaded disease causing the problems.

Hopefully some of the others may have more ideas foe helping you.

(((hugs)))

Mameeskye

 

Dear Rebecca,

I`m really sorry for the predicament you find yourself in, but one point in your post surprised me. Doesn`t the school have a conbination lock on the front door?

So many schools have them now, in view of certain recent events, to ensure the safety of the pupils. I thought this was particularly so in Special Education. If the school does have such locks, all it needs to do is change the combination.

If your father continued to make a niusance of himself, the school could inform the police, and behaviour problems or not, a firm but friendly warning might be all that`s needed. I really don`t think he would be sectioned.

 

Your dad is used to having authority in the place he still considers to be his workplace. I find with my husband's dementia that the characteristics he had before he was ill are still there but in an exaggerated form. This seems to be the case with your father. I appreciate how harsh I sound mentioning this but do you think the time has come to get the Consultant involved in having him sectioned in hospital for a while? He could cause havoc for many people the way he is now behaving and potentially if he decides to drive again could even kill someone. Perhaps a family conference is needed between you, your sister and your mum. Sorry to sound so hard hearted. Believe me I'm not xxTinaT

 

Hi Rebecca,

My Dad is similar in that for many years he was the senior partner in the firm and what he said went. Now I think he feels unimportant and useless and want to reassert his position by going back in to the office.

He too lost his driving licence in May but still finds ways to get there, for example last week he went to a meeting in Liverpool by taxi but told the driver the meeting had been cancelled and that he should take him to the office instead, which the driver duly did but had the presence of mind and the care to ring my Mum.

Fortunately, unlike your Dad he seems to just want to see the staff and is not aggressive or intrusive. The staff there all know his condition and I do think that you should tell the staff at the school about your Dad's diagnosis if you feel able.

I know it is difficult but I think you are going to have to take a hard line with your father and report his driving to the Police and let the staff call the Police if they feel threatened. I don't believe your Dad would be sectioned but perhaps he might listen to the Police?

By the way my Dad is still a big guy at 82 and if he decided to hit me I would come off second best.

 

If he is upsetting the staff what might his behaviour be doing to vulnerable children and young people who may be merely witnesses? It should be the duty of those staff to consider their (ie the children's interests) first and on the back of that should be taking the initiative.

Absolutely not being unsympathethic towards your dad's or your situation .... but this is one area where this is clearly an element of social responsibility to be expected from other people - and maybe, just maybe the responsibility is not entirely yours to handle this matter ......

All I can say to that is bravo! Well done for articulating that ...... that is the very fine line we all tread perhaps without ever being so aware of it .......

Couldn't agree more ..... try a list, prioritise it and tackle them one at a time ...... (and don't get too down hearted by the length of the list )

Love, Karen, x

 

Rebbeca

My goodness Rebecca, I just read your post. what a situation.
And you sound like such a thoughtful person, when you wrote 'how you hope people here are able to have some sort of rest and/or enjoyment at this difficult time of year.'

When was your Dad diagnosed with Vascular dementia. What were the reasons for your father giving up as Director. What has your father been doing for the past few years.

Seems like your asking for help on how the School should handle this, surly there are other board members who know what and how to handle over bearing people, who come uninvited.

Was your Father always bossy when working at the school, maybe He’s trying to gain some resemblance of what was normal in His life. But, why are you so alone in this.
You need some professional help, with all these issues you are facing.

The Dr. Who diagnosed your Dad needs to be contacted, then set up an appointment with Him, write down all the times your Dad has been out of control, either fax it to the Dr. Or go see Him.
You should not have to be the one who makes decisions like this, The Dr. has already diagnosed the disease, now you need the Dr. To intervene, with what ever help He offer’s . Maybe the Dr can phone the school, or a letter from the School supervisor describing your Dads behavior should make your power of attorney active, then with the Dr’s approval you both should come to a decision for the safety for all concerned. It may be as simple and changing the medication, but let the Dr. Advise you.

How come your Mum isn’t more involved, especially as the school is the place your Dad act’s inappropriately.

The nerves tend to get shredded after our parents are in someone else’s Care, for all sorts of reasons. You must be a strong person to be able to write and explain what has gone on, and ask for help. I’m glad you did. Please keep us all posted.

Maggie.

 

Hello Rebecca
So very sorry about your challenging and stressful situation.
I think you would find it eased your stress to write down all the problems/ dangers in a list and to arrange an appointment with your dad's GP. If social services aren't already involved, then your GP could arrange this. A referral to a Community psychiatric nurse would also be supportive. You dad may refuse to co-operate, but that doesn't mean no-one can help. It could be that he has to be sectioned for a while, if matters continue to deteriorate and he puts people ar risk, but that would be a last resort that was carried out for the safety of himself and others. You cannot carry all the burden for this yourself. Essentially it is a medical problem that your dad is suffering from , and he needs help. The medical and social agencies do vary in how good they are (as TP members all know from this site!) but if you insist on the urgency of the situation and describe the effect it is having on everyone, you will get help. Your own GP is also a good person to confide in - you need support too.
Keep us posted - there is much practical and emotional support here. I also strongly recommend contacting the Alzheimer's Society helpline.
Blue sea

 

CHEST PAIN SHOULD ALWAYS BE INVESTIGATED BY A PROFFESSIONAL!

I think if a doctor was fully aware of your dads uncontrollable and dangerous behaviour he would be obliged to intervene, whatever that might mean. I think it likely he would enforce a compulsory treatment order, usually a 28 day stay in a locked unit while his problems are addressed. He would be asked to go willingly but if he refused he would be forced.

You can appoint some else appointee for his funds, in the care house I work in the manager is the appointee for one tenant as his next of kin is known to steal from him. I'm not sure how this all works out practically but it's something to think about.