Same here Ann, since mum got up at 6am I've had nothing but complaints and a poor me attitude, been out for a few hours this morning lots of fresh air and coffee with a friend, not really helped that much. I have been aware of this attitude towards me for a while and honestly thought it would pass, but think it is here to stay. I am often muttering to myself or just getting out in the garden to do some serious swearing, after all its not my fault mum is ill, but it sometimes feels like it.
So bizarre !
- Thread starter Ann Mac
- Start date
As Miranda's mother would say, " such fun!" Thank goodness Ann Mac, your MIL has gone to day care.
We have recently started with a lovely chap taking my husband out for a few hours, and it's Such a welcome development, but today I found an email from him saying he couldn't come due to another emergency. Good job pessimistic me hadn't told husband anything was happening, so he's not disappointed. But I am...
Been reading POSITIVE thread, so must think how to cheer up the day here....Come on bootstraps......
I hope MIL will have run out of negatives when she returns....
We have recently started with a lovely chap taking my husband out for a few hours, and it's Such a welcome development, but today I found an email from him saying he couldn't come due to another emergency. Good job pessimistic me hadn't told husband anything was happening, so he's not disappointed. But I am...
Been reading POSITIVE thread, so must think how to cheer up the day here....Come on bootstraps......
I hope MIL will have run out of negatives when she returns....
Yep Tin - can relate to your last comment - not your fault she is ill, but feels like it 
I wish I knew what (if anything) I could do to stem the tide of complaints - I guess the only thing that would make her happy is to have a magic wand so I could make her well and she could go back to living as I know she would prefer
Anne, I'm so sorry you've missed out on your break - I'd be dissappointed (mild description!) too !
Trying to be positive here too - mainly because I know due to dodgy weather and OH having to have the car again that Mil is going to be home early yet again today, as we are reliant on day care transport - so have been in and out of the garden with my camera, and have got some cracking shots of the wee robin and the blackbird that are regular visitors - the blackbird actually is now so bold he lets me get to within just a few feet of him - and he is such a poser! If nothing else, hoping the fun I've had with the birds helps me to keep the swearing under control once she gets home, if she is still in the same mood !
I wish I knew what (if anything) I could do to stem the tide of complaints - I guess the only thing that would make her happy is to have a magic wand so I could make her well and she could go back to living as I know she would prefer Anne, I'm so sorry you've missed out on your break - I'd be dissappointed (mild description!) too !
Trying to be positive here too - mainly because I know due to dodgy weather and OH having to have the car again that Mil is going to be home early yet again today, as we are reliant on day care transport - so have been in and out of the garden with my camera, and have got some cracking shots of the wee robin and the blackbird that are regular visitors - the blackbird actually is now so bold he lets me get to within just a few feet of him - and he is such a poser! If nothing else, hoping the fun I've had with the birds helps me to keep the swearing under control once she gets home, if she is still in the same mood !
My husband likes watching birds too, and they cheer him up. Lately a gang of long tailed tits are visiting our fat balls; they're so sweet.
The tree that I hung all my feeders on is sadly no more, and I've got a new feeder that the birds are only just getting use to - so far only a robin, blackbirds and the odd blue tit have ventured near - hoping for a lot more as we approach spring, including the long tails - I agree, they are very sweet
Mil was absolutely aching for a row last night (crossing over into the 'random argument' post here!). As she came through the door it was almost straight away into what had I done with the case full of sheets? Caught completely on the hop (She hadn't even taken her flipping coat off), I responded with 'What case? What sheets?'. Her teeth were gritted with temper when she responded - I could honestly make no real sense of what she was on about - she assumes that I have full knowledge of whatever the delusion is, so her explanations often simply don't give me enough of a clue - something about me or OH having asked her to do something with the sheets and it being delivered? I got a lot of 'For Gods sake Ann!' and 'You know fine well what I mean!'. Managed to distract by persuading her into having a drink, and then me disappearing into the kitchen for 10 minutes, but she was bubbling away all night - very confrontational, it wasn't so much she would ask where something was, it was very much her going straight into what had I done with various non-existent items she was looking for
Even when the 'little girl' made her appearance (or rather, non appearance, I guess!) it was Mil asking what had I done with her. We also had her repeatedly asking youngest daughter what the time was, or what time OH would be home from work - and as soon as dau answered, Mil would immeadiately ask me the same question - when Daughter said 'I've just told you that , Nan!', Mil tossed back 'I know - but I thought you might be lying!', with a really nasty smirk on her face At this point I told her that I thought she was being very rude, and that if she couldn't be at least polite, then I'd prefer she said nothing at all. She retreated into sulks and chunnerings, but all in all it was a very uncomfortable eveningMorning Ann, Mil must be picking up all kinds of different conversations from daycare!! When I meet the girls for coffee always take mum with me [I'm a kind caring daughter] Always lots of chatter about different things and mum comes away 'owning' a lot of whats been said. Yesterday she was talking a lot about a wide rim summer hat and saying I had taken it. took me a while to work out that while we were at friend's house she used the toilet and big 1950's hat hanging in there!
Lol Tin - its anyones guess where Mil's 'idea's' originate from - quite possibly from conversatons in day care, as you say. Just no idea at all, most of the time!
Very few delusions yesterday, but a constant stream of negative and often nasy comments. No one in the house was safe from the barbs and it was just a long, grinding, miserable day, made a lot worse by the fact that Mil seemed very aware of what she was doing and revelled in the upset she caused - and yes, I know she can't help it, its the dementia thats altered her personality and her ability to recognise how unfair her behaviour is, but that doesn't alter the impact. Barely slept last night, and not sure how or if I'll get through another day like it, if there is no improvement with her today
Very few delusions yesterday, but a constant stream of negative and often nasy comments. No one in the house was safe from the barbs and it was just a long, grinding, miserable day, made a lot worse by the fact that Mil seemed very aware of what she was doing and revelled in the upset she caused - and yes, I know she can't help it, its the dementia thats altered her personality and her ability to recognise how unfair her behaviour is, but that doesn't alter the impact. Barely slept last night, and not sure how or if I'll get through another day like it, if there is no improvement with her today
Know exactly what you mean Ann.
This would be my entry in the dementia diary (if I had one):
Saturday - long & grinding.
Sunday - 9:30, just spotted mum emerge from her
bedroom look on her face suggests a re-run
of Saturday.
This would be my entry in the dementia diary (if I had one):
Saturday - long & grinding.
Sunday - 9:30, just spotted mum emerge from her
bedroom look on her face suggests a re-run
of Saturday.
Ditto! Has emerged from bedroom, same mood as yesterday, eaten breakfast, taken meds, would not have wash - and after I refused to engage in any response to several very provocative comments, has now stalked back to bedroom in yesterdays clothes, wearing coat and shoes, and clutching handbag. I'm determined to not respond or rise to any bait whatsoever today.
Yep.
Unfortunately I have a stinking cold and 7 o'clock and that first glass of wine seems an eternity away.
Hey ho.
Will be thinking of you
I'll be thinking of you too hun - have a glass of that vino for me, please - I'm stuck here all day, as weather means OH has car for work (12 hour shift), and no wine in the house - I don't drink very often, but the idea of a glass or two tonight seems most attractive!
When i was a child i lived in a world were we went out to play and with thre or four children we had an entire army with tanks and fought another army that did not exist at all. We played cowboys and idians as well. But the fact that there was only three of us and no indians never mattered.
Could dementia suffers have gone back to that type of world.
We used to talk about second childhood.
I know i see things that are not there. I t is getting worse.
If words are lost so must the line between what is real and what is not as in childhood.
Children dont seem to play the type of game that the dementia sufferes would have done.
The line between what I can manage to do and what I would like to do is bleering It is all getting less clear cut.
Because you are carers you are thinking logically. But all three year olds are different and some are very given to tantrums some not.
So are we.
Life is as confosing as it is for a three year old.
I knew this does not solve anything but hope it helps with where the stories might come from.
Edward
Could dementia suffers have gone back to that type of world.
We used to talk about second childhood.
I know i see things that are not there. I t is getting worse.
If words are lost so must the line between what is real and what is not as in childhood.
Children dont seem to play the type of game that the dementia sufferes would have done.
The line between what I can manage to do and what I would like to do is bleering It is all getting less clear cut.
Because you are carers you are thinking logically. But all three year olds are different and some are very given to tantrums some not.
So are we.
Life is as confosing as it is for a three year old.
I knew this does not solve anything but hope it helps with where the stories might come from.
Edward
Hi Edward, just logged on whilst preparing tea.
Very interested to read your post. My mum isn't one for stories, she has never been one for detailed recounts of events and experiences from her earlier teenage, womanhood or working life. I understand (from other posters on TP) that stories from the past do quite often form the tapestry of conversation - I wish my mum did this. Mum lives very much in the here and now and most conversation is based on her immediate environment and, as you suggest, I believe is based in her confusion with it.
I do hope that I haven't expressed any thought (or frustration) which may have hurt a bit - sorry if I have.
Take care - Twiddler x
Very interested to read your post. My mum isn't one for stories, she has never been one for detailed recounts of events and experiences from her earlier teenage, womanhood or working life. I understand (from other posters on TP) that stories from the past do quite often form the tapestry of conversation - I wish my mum did this. Mum lives very much in the here and now and most conversation is based on her immediate environment and, as you suggest, I believe is based in her confusion with it.
I do hope that I haven't expressed any thought (or frustration) which may have hurt a bit - sorry if I have.
Take care - Twiddler x
Edward - what incredible and helpful posts. The fact that you have accepted your diagnosis and have insight into your Vas. Dem. makes you extraordinary, as far as I know, and makes your comments so valuable for us carers. Thank you.
My father won't accept he has Vascular Dementia, and although he muddles dreams and reality at times he is always convinced his dreams, false memories and delusions are true, even though he knows some of them are highly unlikely. He laughs in an embarrassed way when he recounts these things - for example, when he was moved to his current ward in the hospital he says a ring of women in wheelchairs greeted him, cheering and throwing their hands in the air!
Another 'Thank you' from me Edward - and also the hope that I haven't caused you any offence x
Like so may others, Mils insight varies from poor to non-existent and she has no idea that the things she see's or believes are 'make believe', for want of a better description. They puzzle me, but if they don't upset her or cause upset to others, then they don't bother me. Its when they bring agitation and anger that I - and I think a lot of carers - struggle, especially as with bad temper comes a very strong resistence to anything we try to do to calm her down and make her less agitated
She is - thankfully - calmer this morning. Thank God, because the last 3 days have very nearly seen me run out of 'tether' completely. She was very angry, very articulate and very provocative, and at one point even informed me that making my life a 'misery' was one of the few pleasures she had left, so I had 'better get used to it'. The fact that 'its the dementia, not her' provided little in the way of consolation to any of us, I'm afraid. A new behaviour was her demanding to know what people had been saying if they were engaged in any conversation that didn't directly involve her and she hadn't caught every word. This happened over and over and over throughout Saturday, and continued on Sunday when I reached the point of simply telling her point blank to mind her own business - it felt so invasive of what little privacy we have left with her living here. Added to which, she used whatever we told her as an opening to try and cause more conflict - so wearying, as well as rude and annoying. On Sunday, her coat and shoes were on and off all day as she repeatedly tried to 'go home', and after refusing her the phone to call her 'husband' at work (she again thought her son was her OH), because I knew she would very likely dial 999 instead, she stood looming over me repeating 'Give me the phone Ann, Give me the phone Ann, Give me the phone Ann, Give me the phone Ann' inches from my ear, for several minutes. I was sitting on the sofa, and couldn't get up without physically moving her - not something I was prepared to do in case she accused me of hurting her, in the mood she was in - so just had to sit there till she decided to stop. Yesterday, she was still rude but also very stand offish with me, whilst being all sweetness and light with OH - that was preferable to the 2 days before, but still so irritating.
Hoping now for a few days of peace, in order to let me regroup and recover - otherwise, I think I'll be doing a 'Shirley Valentine', to be honest!
Like so may others, Mils insight varies from poor to non-existent and she has no idea that the things she see's or believes are 'make believe', for want of a better description. They puzzle me, but if they don't upset her or cause upset to others, then they don't bother me. Its when they bring agitation and anger that I - and I think a lot of carers - struggle, especially as with bad temper comes a very strong resistence to anything we try to do to calm her down and make her less agitated
She is - thankfully - calmer this morning. Thank God, because the last 3 days have very nearly seen me run out of 'tether' completely. She was very angry, very articulate and very provocative, and at one point even informed me that making my life a 'misery' was one of the few pleasures she had left, so I had 'better get used to it'. The fact that 'its the dementia, not her' provided little in the way of consolation to any of us, I'm afraid. A new behaviour was her demanding to know what people had been saying if they were engaged in any conversation that didn't directly involve her and she hadn't caught every word. This happened over and over and over throughout Saturday, and continued on Sunday when I reached the point of simply telling her point blank to mind her own business - it felt so invasive of what little privacy we have left with her living here. Added to which, she used whatever we told her as an opening to try and cause more conflict - so wearying, as well as rude and annoying. On Sunday, her coat and shoes were on and off all day as she repeatedly tried to 'go home', and after refusing her the phone to call her 'husband' at work (she again thought her son was her OH), because I knew she would very likely dial 999 instead, she stood looming over me repeating 'Give me the phone Ann, Give me the phone Ann, Give me the phone Ann, Give me the phone Ann' inches from my ear, for several minutes. I was sitting on the sofa, and couldn't get up without physically moving her - not something I was prepared to do in case she accused me of hurting her, in the mood she was in - so just had to sit there till she decided to stop. Yesterday, she was still rude but also very stand offish with me, whilst being all sweetness and light with OH - that was preferable to the 2 days before, but still so irritating.
Hoping now for a few days of peace, in order to let me regroup and recover - otherwise, I think I'll be doing a 'Shirley Valentine', to be honest!
Its been a fairly difficult 3 or 4 days We've had the delusions, which have varied from the usual brief and manic few moments of searching for non-existent items, through to day care getting their first taster (from what i can gather) of really bad agitation and upset when Mil became convinced that she was in hiding from a 'man with gun' who had been sent to shoot her. The carer said that she had been upset for 3 or 4 hours and that nothing they said to her either distracted or calmed her down. We've also had 3 consecutive evenings of sundowning - with a vengeance!
The 'appearance' of the 'little girl' has once again become the early warning sign that Mil is heading towards sundowning/bad agitation. We are getting a couple of hours or so of the usual 'Where's the knitting I was doing' and 'I'll have to take those tins I bought to that womans house' and then its onto 'Where's that little girl gone?', which quickly see's her getting fixated and angry. Wednesday night was odd - rather than the usual 'home, home, home' she was adamant that our youngest daughter was someone elses child, that Mil had been looking after and that she must now 'take back to her Mother'. We could see she was getting worked up and agitated - figety, that awful mulish fixed look on her face - then out of the blue she suddenly told youngest off for calling me 'Mum' and that was it! Shouting at us that we would get her into trouble if she didn't take the child back to her 'real Mum', telling me that I would get arrested for taking someone elses little girl, ordering youngest to get dressed and ready to 'go home'. Youngest was brilliant, took it all in her stride simply telling me quietly 'Awwww - Bless Nana - she is away with the fairies tonight, isn't she?'. Mil went on and on and on, correcting daughter everytime she called me or OH 'Mum' or 'Dad', the story of how she had come to be 'looking after' daughter for this other woman becoming more and more complex, though at no point could she name the woman she claimed was daughters' 'real' Mum, or say where she lived. She got crosser and crosser, seething about daughter and I sitting next to each other and calling both OH and I some awful names - eventually, OH persuaded her to have her meds and she went up to bed - coming down 2 minutes later to order daughter to bed so that they could 'get off early', get daughter back to her 'real Mother' and demanding that daughter slept in Mils room with her, so Mil would know that the 'child was safe'! OH got very firm and told her to go back up to bed, which she eventually did, muttering all the way, and thankfully she settled.
The two nights since have been more or less identical to each other - an hour or two of delusions that become more and more worrisome to her, then the 'little girl' and where she has gone for a short time - then straight into a sudden and very confrontational demand to be taken 'home' NOW! Telling her we will take her 'tomorrow', that its too late, that we will have to wait for the garge to open to get petrol - nothing distracts, in fact she has even said 'You always say tomorrow - and I know you are lying to shut me up!'. Its that odd 'aware' state where she is telling us she knows that she has been 'staying' with us because of her bad memory, she knows the 'Doctor' has said she can't live alone - but she doesn't care and she wants to go NOW!. She tells us repeatedly she will give us 'no peace' till we do as she wants, poor OH gets called some dreadful names, the language is awful and she tells him what a disappointment he would be to his late Father for treating her so badly.
The one saving grace is that also for the last week or so, we have gradually (by 5 or 10 minutes a night) been bringing her bedtime forward - so far, so good, the night times have been no worse than usual, with me just seeing her back into bed maybe once or twice a night when she has got lost on her way back from the bathroom. So at least we have been able to offer the night time meds and persuade her to bed at around 9, rather than us struggling to keep her up till 10.
She was checked out for a UTI on Wednesday, at the continence clinic - she is fine - and no sign of any other illness to explain whats now been 5 out of 6 bad days/evenings. Don't know if stopping the donezepil could be impacting, or if its the memantine - or just if its yet another phase starting. She has been a lot more difficult about bathing and washing (in terms of refusing and having to be persuaded) and seems to be struggling even more than usual with dressing herself - don't know if that's connected or not, but there is a noticable difference. I've also noticed that when standing, she is tending to 'hunch' over, though she says that she has no back ache and seems not to realise she is doing it. There have also been more wet beds than usual - 4 out of the last 6 nights, though she has seemed to be completely unaware of it having happened.
We are hoping to get her into overnight respite at the beginning of April - just for a couple of nights - don't know how it will pan out, but we both think its time to give it a try.
We've had the delusions, which have varied from the usual brief and manic few moments of searching for non-existent items, through to day care getting their first taster (from what i can gather) of really bad agitation and upset when Mil became convinced that she was in hiding from a 'man with gun' who had been sent to shoot her. The carer said that she had been upset for 3 or 4 hours and that nothing they said to her either distracted or calmed her down. We've also had 3 consecutive evenings of sundowning - with a vengeance!The 'appearance' of the 'little girl' has once again become the early warning sign that Mil is heading towards sundowning/bad agitation. We are getting a couple of hours or so of the usual 'Where's the knitting I was doing' and 'I'll have to take those tins I bought to that womans house' and then its onto 'Where's that little girl gone?', which quickly see's her getting fixated and angry. Wednesday night was odd - rather than the usual 'home, home, home' she was adamant that our youngest daughter was someone elses child, that Mil had been looking after and that she must now 'take back to her Mother'. We could see she was getting worked up and agitated - figety, that awful mulish fixed look on her face - then out of the blue she suddenly told youngest off for calling me 'Mum' and that was it! Shouting at us that we would get her into trouble if she didn't take the child back to her 'real Mum', telling me that I would get arrested for taking someone elses little girl, ordering youngest to get dressed and ready to 'go home'. Youngest was brilliant, took it all in her stride simply telling me quietly 'Awwww - Bless Nana - she is away with the fairies tonight, isn't she?'. Mil went on and on and on, correcting daughter everytime she called me or OH 'Mum' or 'Dad', the story of how she had come to be 'looking after' daughter for this other woman becoming more and more complex, though at no point could she name the woman she claimed was daughters' 'real' Mum, or say where she lived. She got crosser and crosser, seething about daughter and I sitting next to each other and calling both OH and I some awful names - eventually, OH persuaded her to have her meds and she went up to bed - coming down 2 minutes later to order daughter to bed so that they could 'get off early', get daughter back to her 'real Mother' and demanding that daughter slept in Mils room with her, so Mil would know that the 'child was safe'! OH got very firm and told her to go back up to bed, which she eventually did, muttering all the way, and thankfully she settled.
The two nights since have been more or less identical to each other - an hour or two of delusions that become more and more worrisome to her, then the 'little girl' and where she has gone for a short time - then straight into a sudden and very confrontational demand to be taken 'home' NOW! Telling her we will take her 'tomorrow', that its too late, that we will have to wait for the garge to open to get petrol - nothing distracts, in fact she has even said 'You always say tomorrow - and I know you are lying to shut me up!'. Its that odd 'aware' state where she is telling us she knows that she has been 'staying' with us because of her bad memory, she knows the 'Doctor' has said she can't live alone - but she doesn't care and she wants to go NOW!. She tells us repeatedly she will give us 'no peace' till we do as she wants, poor OH gets called some dreadful names, the language is awful and she tells him what a disappointment he would be to his late Father for treating her so badly.
The one saving grace is that also for the last week or so, we have gradually (by 5 or 10 minutes a night) been bringing her bedtime forward - so far, so good, the night times have been no worse than usual, with me just seeing her back into bed maybe once or twice a night when she has got lost on her way back from the bathroom. So at least we have been able to offer the night time meds and persuade her to bed at around 9, rather than us struggling to keep her up till 10.
She was checked out for a UTI on Wednesday, at the continence clinic - she is fine - and no sign of any other illness to explain whats now been 5 out of 6 bad days/evenings. Don't know if stopping the donezepil could be impacting, or if its the memantine - or just if its yet another phase starting. She has been a lot more difficult about bathing and washing (in terms of refusing and having to be persuaded) and seems to be struggling even more than usual with dressing herself - don't know if that's connected or not, but there is a noticable difference. I've also noticed that when standing, she is tending to 'hunch' over, though she says that she has no back ache and seems not to realise she is doing it. There have also been more wet beds than usual - 4 out of the last 6 nights, though she has seemed to be completely unaware of it having happened.
We are hoping to get her into overnight respite at the beginning of April - just for a couple of nights - don't know how it will pan out, but we both think its time to give it a try.
I'm torn on whether or not a couple of nights to start is the best way to go - OH feels (and I can see his point) that if its just a couple of nights to start with then she will be reassured that it isn't permenant. Part of me thinks that her short term memory is just so bad that she will not, at any given point, know how long she has been there anyway, so two days or two weeks - she really isn't going to be happy with either!
All day sundowning session yesterday - got up demanding home, and it continued all day long. Odd insight, knowing she had been 'staying' with us because she had been having problems with her memory - but adamant she was better now and was 'going home'. Can't say she was at all polite or pleasant at any stage during the day, but by 8pm, she was starting to use some pretty bad language and was extremely nasty to OH.
This morning, she has drifted in and out of rudeness alternated with weeping - she has spent quite a while in her room, which has helped. Not sure how the rest of the day will pan out - she isn't sundowning, but she is hard work and very miserable, and though I've really tried to engage her in doing things, she seems determined to wallow
All day sundowning session yesterday - got up demanding home, and it continued all day long. Odd insight, knowing she had been 'staying' with us because she had been having problems with her memory - but adamant she was better now and was 'going home'. Can't say she was at all polite or pleasant at any stage during the day, but by 8pm, she was starting to use some pretty bad language and was extremely nasty to OH.
This morning, she has drifted in and out of rudeness alternated with weeping - she has spent quite a while in her room, which has helped. Not sure how the rest of the day will pan out - she isn't sundowning, but she is hard work and very miserable, and though I've really tried to engage her in doing things, she seems determined to wallow
