After the robins, I opened the newspapers and out fell a condolence card from the newsagents - that made me cry. When the cortege arrived, I walked out, head high, in brilliant sunshine. My son rang the Care Home, when we were one minute away, and there were 9 staff outside, even the cook, the handyman and the cleaner - and that made me cry too. Then as the hearse moved off, they blew kisses, and one carer blew bubbles - John loved West Ham.
Whilst waiting at the gates of the Crematorium, I realised that I couldn't remember John's name, let alone any of a 15 minute speech. So, having a
very vivid imagination, I decided I was no longer Scarlett, but Dame Helen Mirren (!) and that I was in a film, playing the part of a widow, giving the Eulogy, and boy, I was going all out to get that Oscar - and it worked.
I lost it a bit at the end when I thanked John for loving me, and for nearly half a century of joy, but I fought through it, said thank you - and the entire congregation, including the celebrant and the organist, stood up and applauded.
Alan, the celebrant, was so complimentary and, amazingly, I never looked at either the speech, or the crib sheet, where I had put key words. Everyone said they didn't know how I did it - and actually nor do I. I've been on autopilot and I still am.
Do you remember me posting about the "liars" who had received a Conscience Christmas Card from me, who I subsequently phoned, and they said they had planned to write in the New Year, but they would be at the funeral? Like I'm going to believe that. The natural thing would have been to send a card back, and write on that any New Year plans.
Well not only did they not materialise, they didn't even phone to say they wouldn't be coming after all. I will not spend another second thinking about them.
Everyone else was there, and some that I hadn't expected from different Day Centres. We had 50 at the service and 41 came back for refreshments, and apart from 5 cream cakes, a few crisps, and some chicken wings, everything went. I didn't have a thing, apart from several cups of coffee and a Bailey's.
Now I will concentrate on my hospital visit tomorrow, enjoy Elvis at Graceland at the 02 on Friday, with my son, and take stock of things, step by step. There are no words to describe the warmth I felt from my invisible, supportive and loving friends here on TP - you have all been amazing, and I am humbled by your kindness.
John and I are now concentrating on giving our wholehearted support to Lyn and Pete for Friday, and our prayers for them both. Nobody but a carer knows what another carer goes through. I pray for those who are still being cared for, and their carers and I hope that those who have passed are having a damn good party Up There with John.
