Hi there,
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and apologies for the long brain-dump. I'm not sure what I'm looking to get from this - advice, support or just a reality check would help I guess. Am I doing too little? What to do for the best...?
Some background,
My mother is a 85 and though in good physical shape and has suffered with short term memory issues ever since her husband died 11 years ago. Initially I thought that her memory problems were a result of grief - she has always been a bit of a blocker when dealing with anything difficult but as time has gone by her memory has gradually got worse.
I took her to the memory clinic three weeks ago for her annual visit. Up until now I’d had been told she had mild cognitive impairment but during the latest visit she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s proper. Mum was so shocked – every time the doctor mentioned dementia or the A word she looked as though she had been told she had grown an extra head – incredulous and indignant…but then scared and upset. And the doctor mentioned the word A LOT.
The doctor left and we hugged and cried. Then a woman from the Alzheimer’s Society came in and gave her a leaflet inviting her to attend the monthly Dementia Café at the local Community Centre. She also suggested joining their singing group. Mum hates singing or anything musical so this didn't go down well at all.
We left, sat in the car, hugged and cried some more. Then when we got home she found the leaflet in her shopping bag. Studying it as if for the first time she exclaimed ‘Dementia? Well I haven’t got that’, tossed it aside and turned on the telly to watch Bargain Hunt. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
You see the problem is she really doesn't thing there is anything wrong. She is very strong willed and independent - always has been very optimistic and cheery (sometimes I suspect as a result of blocking anything painful things out) and while this is an admirable quality, this is making it very difficult for her to accept any help. She seems quite happy in her own little bubble but can't deal with anything upsetting or difficult - it gets blocked out and forgotten. In the rare moments when I can actually get through to her, she crumples, cries and says 'who'd of thought I'd end up like this' which makes me feel terrible for bursting her protective bubble.
She lives on her own and although she used to keep herself busy by going out to play cards or to the local WI over the last year or so she has stopped these activities, preferring to stay at home and watch TV. She used to be the centre of her social hub but may of her friends have passed away.
The woman from the Alzheimer's Society said that the Dementia Cafe probably wouldn't be appropriate for her yet since mum isn't acknowledging that she has a memory problem. Other than that all she could offer was to put her on the befriending waiting list.
Up until recently she had very good neighbours who would check on her and bring her a meal every day (the neighbour was a dinnerlady and would bring her a school lunch which mum would pay for. We could only convince mum to agree to this by saying we were doing the school a favour by helping keep their numbers up!). But unfortunately these neighbors have recently moved away and so the meals have ended.
Her short term memory is really really bad but she doesn't get confused or lost forget who people are. She is able to wash, dress and do basic shopping for herself.
She drives about 500 meters up a hill once a week to get her hair done and I'm aware we need to tell DVLA asap about her diagnosis. I'm dreading having to re-explain this to her again because although she hardly uses the car, for her it represents a symbol of her independence - last time I suggested she might have to stop driving she burst into tears and told me she would rather kill herself than lose the car. I've suggested organising taxis to get her out and about but she is very much from the 'make do and mend' generation and thinks this would be a huge extravagance (even though it would only cost her a couple of quid)
Same issue with food. Now her neighbour isn't able to prepare her food anymore I've suggested meals on wheels or that I arrange a weekly supermarket delivery but she wont hear of it - she says she s perfectly capable of looking after herself. But I worry she wont eat because she will either forget or wont be bothered to cook anything healthy for herself.
I live a two hour drive away and visit a couple of times a month. I call her every evening to check she is ok and also to make sure she has at least a little conversation with someone even though more often than not we talk about the same things repeatedly.
I'm in the process of applying for Power of Attorney and mum has signed the forms but I feel as though I should be doing more to help her but I just don't know how.
Without wanting to this to be all about me, I have quite a stressful job myself and some other issues that I wont go into here but which mean I'm finding things a bit tough at the moment.
I have no siblings and all other relations are dead. I feel so very guilty all the time and like I'm a terrible son for not being strong enough to know what to do for the best. I want to protect her but also don't want to impede her sense of independence.
Thanks again for reading and sorry for the long read.
Mr Rusty
Thanks in advance for taking the time to read this and apologies for the long brain-dump. I'm not sure what I'm looking to get from this - advice, support or just a reality check would help I guess. Am I doing too little? What to do for the best...?
Some background,
My mother is a 85 and though in good physical shape and has suffered with short term memory issues ever since her husband died 11 years ago. Initially I thought that her memory problems were a result of grief - she has always been a bit of a blocker when dealing with anything difficult but as time has gone by her memory has gradually got worse.
I took her to the memory clinic three weeks ago for her annual visit. Up until now I’d had been told she had mild cognitive impairment but during the latest visit she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s proper. Mum was so shocked – every time the doctor mentioned dementia or the A word she looked as though she had been told she had grown an extra head – incredulous and indignant…but then scared and upset. And the doctor mentioned the word A LOT.
The doctor left and we hugged and cried. Then a woman from the Alzheimer’s Society came in and gave her a leaflet inviting her to attend the monthly Dementia Café at the local Community Centre. She also suggested joining their singing group. Mum hates singing or anything musical so this didn't go down well at all.
We left, sat in the car, hugged and cried some more. Then when we got home she found the leaflet in her shopping bag. Studying it as if for the first time she exclaimed ‘Dementia? Well I haven’t got that’, tossed it aside and turned on the telly to watch Bargain Hunt. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.
You see the problem is she really doesn't thing there is anything wrong. She is very strong willed and independent - always has been very optimistic and cheery (sometimes I suspect as a result of blocking anything painful things out) and while this is an admirable quality, this is making it very difficult for her to accept any help. She seems quite happy in her own little bubble but can't deal with anything upsetting or difficult - it gets blocked out and forgotten. In the rare moments when I can actually get through to her, she crumples, cries and says 'who'd of thought I'd end up like this' which makes me feel terrible for bursting her protective bubble.
She lives on her own and although she used to keep herself busy by going out to play cards or to the local WI over the last year or so she has stopped these activities, preferring to stay at home and watch TV. She used to be the centre of her social hub but may of her friends have passed away.
The woman from the Alzheimer's Society said that the Dementia Cafe probably wouldn't be appropriate for her yet since mum isn't acknowledging that she has a memory problem. Other than that all she could offer was to put her on the befriending waiting list.
Up until recently she had very good neighbours who would check on her and bring her a meal every day (the neighbour was a dinnerlady and would bring her a school lunch which mum would pay for. We could only convince mum to agree to this by saying we were doing the school a favour by helping keep their numbers up!). But unfortunately these neighbors have recently moved away and so the meals have ended.
Her short term memory is really really bad but she doesn't get confused or lost forget who people are. She is able to wash, dress and do basic shopping for herself.
She drives about 500 meters up a hill once a week to get her hair done and I'm aware we need to tell DVLA asap about her diagnosis. I'm dreading having to re-explain this to her again because although she hardly uses the car, for her it represents a symbol of her independence - last time I suggested she might have to stop driving she burst into tears and told me she would rather kill herself than lose the car. I've suggested organising taxis to get her out and about but she is very much from the 'make do and mend' generation and thinks this would be a huge extravagance (even though it would only cost her a couple of quid)
Same issue with food. Now her neighbour isn't able to prepare her food anymore I've suggested meals on wheels or that I arrange a weekly supermarket delivery but she wont hear of it - she says she s perfectly capable of looking after herself. But I worry she wont eat because she will either forget or wont be bothered to cook anything healthy for herself.
I live a two hour drive away and visit a couple of times a month. I call her every evening to check she is ok and also to make sure she has at least a little conversation with someone even though more often than not we talk about the same things repeatedly.
I'm in the process of applying for Power of Attorney and mum has signed the forms but I feel as though I should be doing more to help her but I just don't know how.
Without wanting to this to be all about me, I have quite a stressful job myself and some other issues that I wont go into here but which mean I'm finding things a bit tough at the moment.
I have no siblings and all other relations are dead. I feel so very guilty all the time and like I'm a terrible son for not being strong enough to know what to do for the best. I want to protect her but also don't want to impede her sense of independence.
Thanks again for reading and sorry for the long read.
Mr Rusty
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