Today is exactly one month since my mum passed, where has all that time gone, for me it is still like it happened yesterday time has (as I mentioned in my blog) stood still and I suppose it always will?
Like mums 88yr old friend I still have the picture in my mind of mum in her coffin except I also picture her underground, thinking will she be ok, hope she won't be too cold especially since I forgot to give the FD shoes for her feet, the worst one stems more from mums fear of being buried alive, I tell myself she wasn't but the thought creeps in now and again. I did joke once or twice with mum long before she had the Alzheimer's that I would give her a bell just in case, would it have helped if I did would it have put my mind at rest, I doubt it.
I saw my Dr yesterday (cue floodgates opening, again), told him I wasn't coping and how I was still thinking of 'joining mum', he has been a great help and somehow manages to find the right words to make things seem easier whilst I'm there. I told him that I wish I could have done more to help mum, he told me that I had done more than what some daughters would have done, I was there for her 24/ 7 looking out for her and making sure she was ok and apart from finishing my degree (which I got, not brilliant, but I go it) mum was my world and that because we were so close it will take longer to comes to terms with mums passing.
I'm still crying at the least little thing (especially at night, but it can happen anytime), I did a shop at Tesco's yesterday for myself and mums friend, 3 times the floodgates opened (once in the town, twice in shop) as people asked me how I was and when I said I wasn't too good of course they asked why, cue tears during explanation. I didn't have to explain but they were people that had met mum when we did our shopping there together, so rather than have them ask at a later stage where mum was, it was easier (not really) to tell them what had happened.
As my Dr put it, if you can see a tomorrow it will help, which at the moment I can't. I often wonder if mum and I weren't as close as we were would it have made any difference to the way I feel, would I see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel? As I mentioned in my blog I'm not a religious person, I would like to think there is a god but as with all people with science background we need proof on things, I'm not saying the second coming would alleviate any thoughts of is there, isn't there, but it would go a long way to helping or just a little sign that there is something there and that I will see mum (and dad) again once I pass, otherwise what was the point of life, we're born, we live, we die, that's it?
Sorry for the long (ish) post I just thought I should share my thoughts as I'm sure I am not the only one thinking along the lines I am doing, the what if's, should I have done this, should I have done that, why did this happen or that. To be honest I just want my mum back, simples!
Like mums 88yr old friend I still have the picture in my mind of mum in her coffin except I also picture her underground, thinking will she be ok, hope she won't be too cold especially since I forgot to give the FD shoes for her feet, the worst one stems more from mums fear of being buried alive, I tell myself she wasn't but the thought creeps in now and again. I did joke once or twice with mum long before she had the Alzheimer's that I would give her a bell just in case, would it have helped if I did would it have put my mind at rest, I doubt it.
I saw my Dr yesterday (cue floodgates opening, again), told him I wasn't coping and how I was still thinking of 'joining mum', he has been a great help and somehow manages to find the right words to make things seem easier whilst I'm there. I told him that I wish I could have done more to help mum, he told me that I had done more than what some daughters would have done, I was there for her 24/ 7 looking out for her and making sure she was ok and apart from finishing my degree (which I got, not brilliant, but I go it) mum was my world and that because we were so close it will take longer to comes to terms with mums passing.
I'm still crying at the least little thing (especially at night, but it can happen anytime), I did a shop at Tesco's yesterday for myself and mums friend, 3 times the floodgates opened (once in the town, twice in shop) as people asked me how I was and when I said I wasn't too good of course they asked why, cue tears during explanation. I didn't have to explain but they were people that had met mum when we did our shopping there together, so rather than have them ask at a later stage where mum was, it was easier (not really) to tell them what had happened.
As my Dr put it, if you can see a tomorrow it will help, which at the moment I can't. I often wonder if mum and I weren't as close as we were would it have made any difference to the way I feel, would I see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel? As I mentioned in my blog I'm not a religious person, I would like to think there is a god but as with all people with science background we need proof on things, I'm not saying the second coming would alleviate any thoughts of is there, isn't there, but it would go a long way to helping or just a little sign that there is something there and that I will see mum (and dad) again once I pass, otherwise what was the point of life, we're born, we live, we die, that's it?
Sorry for the long (ish) post I just thought I should share my thoughts as I'm sure I am not the only one thinking along the lines I am doing, the what if's, should I have done this, should I have done that, why did this happen or that. To be honest I just want my mum back, simples!
