Sally, your dad may not be as advanced as the relatives of some of us on here. It is true that it's unhelpful for people to be placed in residential care at too early a stage, particularly when others in their unit are more advanced and unable to interact socially or have distressing behaviours.
However, I very much agree with Delphie about the problems of getting someone to accept support to live independently, when they lack insight about their true capabilities and are consequently at daily risk of harm. Like Delphie, I was in this situation for many years with my mum.
Most people would prefer to stay in their own home, and those without dementia can make an informed choice. Their desire to stay in their own house may be tempered with some pragmatism, and regret at finally having to leave when they can no longer cope is an entirely understandable response.
However, the longing to go "home" in those with dementia is not so straightforward. It may persist (to an obsessive degree) wherever they are - including their own home. This is what tipped the balance for me. My mum had always made me promise not to put her in a home, but she could never have foreseen her own level of need with dementia (her own parents died of acute illness in their early 70s - she is now nearly 87 and has had escalating symptoms of dementia for more than a decade, nearer two, in terms of early symptoms).
After many years of crises living in her own home, she suddenly came to the point of not recognising the house (our family home of nearly 40 years), couldn't tell which was her bedroom, nor remember rooms on the other side of the door - basically, whatever she couldn't see in front of her didn't exist, and everything she could see was unfamiliar. She would be constantly begging to go "home", despite already being there, and accusing me of "dumping" her in "this empty hotel", which was her own house. She was constantly packing bags to "get out of here", even though she had no idea of where she might otherwise go. And it got to the point of being physically dangerous - she would be fleeing at night, leaving the front door wide open, totally oblivious to where she was or any logical purpose.
So, although we can all see that it's quite rational not to want to be in a care home, I'm afraid there is no real solution for the underlying impulse to flee or the desire to go "home", because ultimately that home is not the rational place you might have in mind (the real house that's having to be sold to fund care, in my mum's case), but the notional "home" of the person's happy past - usually childhood or youth. If you were to take them back there, it would still not satisfy, as it wouldn't be the same; what they're really longing for is the life they had then, with the people who took care of them (usually parents).
So please don't assume that care homes are always a bad option - they may well provide the best possible life-preserving care in circumstances that will never be ideal. I know that my mum would probably be dead now, if she were not in care. Physically, she's much better in care; mentally, she is as well as can be expected, given the symptoms of a cruel disease that cannot yet be treated or cured.
Here are a couple of blogposts I wrote on these issues:
http://dementiajustaintsexy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-crisis-we-all-dread_8629.html
http://dementiajustaintsexy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/whose-low-expectations.html
However, I very much agree with Delphie about the problems of getting someone to accept support to live independently, when they lack insight about their true capabilities and are consequently at daily risk of harm. Like Delphie, I was in this situation for many years with my mum.
Most people would prefer to stay in their own home, and those without dementia can make an informed choice. Their desire to stay in their own house may be tempered with some pragmatism, and regret at finally having to leave when they can no longer cope is an entirely understandable response.
However, the longing to go "home" in those with dementia is not so straightforward. It may persist (to an obsessive degree) wherever they are - including their own home. This is what tipped the balance for me. My mum had always made me promise not to put her in a home, but she could never have foreseen her own level of need with dementia (her own parents died of acute illness in their early 70s - she is now nearly 87 and has had escalating symptoms of dementia for more than a decade, nearer two, in terms of early symptoms).
After many years of crises living in her own home, she suddenly came to the point of not recognising the house (our family home of nearly 40 years), couldn't tell which was her bedroom, nor remember rooms on the other side of the door - basically, whatever she couldn't see in front of her didn't exist, and everything she could see was unfamiliar. She would be constantly begging to go "home", despite already being there, and accusing me of "dumping" her in "this empty hotel", which was her own house. She was constantly packing bags to "get out of here", even though she had no idea of where she might otherwise go. And it got to the point of being physically dangerous - she would be fleeing at night, leaving the front door wide open, totally oblivious to where she was or any logical purpose.
So, although we can all see that it's quite rational not to want to be in a care home, I'm afraid there is no real solution for the underlying impulse to flee or the desire to go "home", because ultimately that home is not the rational place you might have in mind (the real house that's having to be sold to fund care, in my mum's case), but the notional "home" of the person's happy past - usually childhood or youth. If you were to take them back there, it would still not satisfy, as it wouldn't be the same; what they're really longing for is the life they had then, with the people who took care of them (usually parents).
So please don't assume that care homes are always a bad option - they may well provide the best possible life-preserving care in circumstances that will never be ideal. I know that my mum would probably be dead now, if she were not in care. Physically, she's much better in care; mentally, she is as well as can be expected, given the symptoms of a cruel disease that cannot yet be treated or cured.
Here are a couple of blogposts I wrote on these issues:
http://dementiajustaintsexy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/02/the-crisis-we-all-dread_8629.html
http://dementiajustaintsexy.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/whose-low-expectations.html