Sibling demanding access to my Dads money.

[Pixibel]

Hello, can anyone give me advice?
My sister who is recovering from cancer is demanding that she has money from my Dads account.
I have active POA for Dad. My mum passed last January and both my sisters wanted her money. It was all very distressing as I knew that man and dads will was in their house and stated all mams assets were to go to Dad in the event of her death.
And in the event of final parents death all assets are to be divided between 3 daughters.
I’m the oldest and relocated to my parents town to help them both with dementias and Parkinson’s.
My younger sister could not deal with anything she attempted suicide twice and kept getting arrested with her alcoholic boyfriend.
Total dramas, unbelievable dramas with her daughter also all this when my mum and dad really needed help.
I had to try to support both my parents when their lives were falling apart.
Then my sister got diagnosed with cancer, so even more so. It was totally heartbreaking time and I had to deal with everything for my mum and dad….not stressing my sister with all the problems, hospitalisation of mam, care home, all the arrangements etc POA for mam and dad.
The Pandemic was devastating at this time. My mum in a care home and my deaf father with Alzeimers living alone.
My other sister borrowed £10,000 from my father during this time, which infuriated my young sister who had cancer.
Since then both of them have been wanting money.
I did not apply for a debit card my POA for my father until my father had a stroke and was found by my sister and rushed to hospital.
I would have to deal with social services, all his bills etc.
My sister took his bank card and withdrew £3000 from his account and took thousands of pounds from his house he kept in his draw.
I was so shocked that she had done this, I saw in his bank statements that I had to cancel his card.
She was furious…
I tried to explain to her that this was wrong. She had no right to take Dads money.
Anyway, I resolved this matter with our solicitor
this is two years ago now
Dad has had several more strokes and is now resident in a care home with Alzeimers and unable to walk. He is very frail.
My sister is bullying and manipulative in her language and it is very distressing to even talk with her I have endured a barrage of abuse from her wanting to move her daughter into my Dads empty house.
To then wanting to sell his house and be given money from the sale. Now she is wanting her inheritance now because she is recovering from cancer and wants it now.
I’m so stressed out with her rudeness and demanding language. I try to explain to her it’s not my money to give. Dad is still alive and it is his money. I did say I would ask the solicitor but honestly, I’ve had so much abuse from her that I feel ill after talking to her.
I’ve tried to keep things civil but she is so full of hate for me. It’s unbelievable.
I don’t know what to do.
She left a really demanding text so I called her and the abuse and language from her left me shaking. This is four days ago. It is so abusive.
Mam died last January and both these sisters have caused nothing but anguish and abuse towards me. I cannot stand anymore. Its horrible.

 

[Kevinl]

Welcome to the site and as I've said before "where's a will there's a relative" looks like they aren't even waiting for the relative and will bit.
No secret some things I read on here make want to cry, the shear greed of others in circumstances like yours actually do, how can they actually be so uncaring?
K

 

[Duggies-girl]

I agree with what @Kevinl says and I am forever shocked at how greedy some people are, I shouldn't be given past events but I am.

 

[try again]

I've never comprehended how a relative can only react to a dementia diagnosis by worrying about their inheritance.
I can certainly understand a partner worrying about their ongoing finances and people fretting about top ups that might be needed.

As you say, it's not your money it's your dad's.
It has to pay for his care.
Inheritance can not happen until the person with assets dies.
As poa your job is to manage your dad's money to benefit him

I would be firm. If you don't feel up to it, you could always revoke the poa and control would then be managed by social services.

I hope you manage to find resolution. You have a lot to contend with .

 

[Pixibel]

Welcome to the site and as I've said before "where's a will there's a relative" looks like they aren't even waiting for the relative and will bit.
No secret some things I read on here make want to cry, the shear greed of others in circumstances like yours actually do, how can they actually be so uncaring?
K

I don’t know Kevin, I’ve been turned inside out by both there behaviour. I haven’t been able to grieve for my Mum.
Has anyone experienced this behaviour before???

 

[Fugs]

@Pixibel , I would recommend that you take a great deal of care over this issue. The Office of the Guardians takes a very dim view of Attorneys that spend their wards money on themselves. I know of someone who was sent to prison for doing this. In your situation, you have POA, and so it is you who risk going to jail if you pass money to your sister. The Office of the Guardians has advice on what you can and cannot spend money on. I would recommend that you read it carefully, and keep receipts.
Perhaps you can use these legal constraints to give a clear position to your sister?
Take care.

 

[canary]

I would be inclined to block your sisters so that you do not have to listen to their constant demands. Im sorry your sister has cancer, but that is not a get-out clause for her behaviour.

Do not let them wear you down
xx

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Pixibel and welcome to Dementia Support Forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that the replies you have had here help to reinforce that using your Dad's money for his care is what is right both ethically and legally. As his Attorney you are acting in his best interests. It is your Dad's money and no-one has a right of access to it. There is no inheritance while your Dad is still living. Unfortunately this sort of situation can lead to estrangement between family members. It is your choice, but if all you get from your sisters is trouble then it may be better to try to have nothing to do with them.

 

[Lena G]

I'm sorry to hear this is such a challenging time. Situations can become very ugly where money is involved I'm afraid. As mentioned before, Check with the Office of Public Guardianship for their guidance on Power of Attorney and the restrictions in place in respect of gifts/inheritence to family members. There is no inheritance until your dad passes away and as you have no idea how many years of care he will need or how much this will cost. His assets (including sale proceeds from the house) may need to be allocated to fund care. Also take a look at the Alzheimer's Society information on their website on paying for care - do you have to seel your house.

In respect of your sisters taking money from your dad - this would potentially be considered financial abuse and could be reported as such

It may also be worth looking at mediation services to organise a meeting with your sisters to discuss the situation. This ensures there is a third party present to assist and hopefully prevent the bullying you are experiencing. Google Mediation services in the local area.

You also need to take care of your own emotional and mental wellbeing in addition to caring for your dad's affairs.

 

[Pixibel]

@Pixibel , I would recommend that you take a great deal of care over this issue. The Office of the Guardians takes a very dim view of Attorneys that spend their wards money on themselves. I know of someone who was sent to prison for doing this. In your situation, you have POA, and so it is you who risk going to jail if you pass money to your sister. The Office of the Guardians has advice on what you can and cannot spend money on. I would recommend that you read it carefully, and keep receipts.
Perhaps you can use these legal constraints to give a clear position to your sister?
Take care.

Thankyou, I have told my sisters and made them very aware of the legal responsibilities as POA for Dad.
I’ve had two years of this abuse from them both.
I had to deal with social services over my Mums care costs for 4 years it’s a lot of responsibility I had to give social services a years bank statements to show every penny that was withdrawn from her account and savings before she was hospitalised. They never dealt with any of this but I informed them of every bit of the process.
I only stepped in to help Mam and Dad when it was imperative.
I dealt with all my Mums finances for several years because my Dad couldn’t cope with all the phone calls, Interviews and DWP documents.
POA is essential to be able to stop all standing orders utility bills etc and deal with care costs.
Thankyou for taking the time to reply. I do appreciate it.

 

[Pixibel]

Welcome to the site and as I've said before "where's a will there's a relative" looks like they aren't even waiting for the relative and will bit.
No secret some things I read on here make want to cry, the shear greed of others in circumstances like yours actually do, how can they actually be so uncaring?
K

That’s the most difficult aspect to my dilemma with them both. I just cannot understand how and why they have behaved so badly. It can be rather soul destroying to be turned on so badly when both parents have suffered so much at their end of life stage.
Thanks for replying.

 

[Pixibel]

I'm sorry to hear this is such a challenging time. Situations can become very ugly where money is involved I'm afraid. As mentioned before, Check with the Office of Public Guardianship for their guidance on Power of Attorney and the restrictions in place in respect of gifts/inheritence to family members. There is no inheritance until your dad passes away and as you have no idea how many years of care he will need or how much this will cost. His assets (including sale proceeds from the house) may need to be allocated to fund care. Also take a look at the Alzheimer's Society information on their website on paying for care - do you have to seel your house.

In respect of your sisters taking money from your dad - this would potentially be considered financial abuse and could be reported as such

It may also be worth looking at mediation services to organise a meeting with your sisters to discuss the situation. This ensures there is a third party present to assist and hopefully prevent the bullying you are experiencing. Google Mediation services in the local area.

You also need to take care of your own emotional and mental wellbeing in addition to caring for your dad's affairs.

Thankyou Lena G, I have been really thorough and sought advice from my Dads solicitors from the beginning so everything is proper.

I would be inclined to block your sisters so that you do not have to listen to their constant demands. Im sorry your sister has cancer, but that is not a get-out clause for her behaviour.

Do not let them wear you down
xx

Thank you Canary,
I don’t know anyone who has had to deal with this animosity from sibling before.
Especially when loosing Mam and Dad to such awful dementias….I feel so hurt.

 

[Pixibel]

I've never comprehended how a relative can only react to a dementia diagnosis by worrying about their inheritance.
I can certainly understand a partner worrying about their ongoing finances and people fretting about top ups that might be needed.

As you say, it's not your money it's your dad's.
It has to pay for his care.
Inheritance can not happen until the person with assets dies.
As poa your job is to manage your dad's money to benefit him

I would be firm. If you don't feel up to it, you could always revoke the poa and control would then be managed by social services.

I hope you manage to find resolution. You have a lot to contend with .

Thanks try again, My younger sister recovering from cancer was very close to Mam and Dad and pretty devastated by Mams deterioration from Lewis bodies dementia, then Dads mental deterioration. I really understand how heartbreaking the whole process is for all of us having to suddenly deal with the whole health care system for our Wonderful and unbelievably Loved parents can be for everyone of Us. The children who are desperate to find help for them. It was a rollercoaster to deal with, I had to stay so strong to find help for My Mum and Dad as the both were struggling themselves…..
My Mum was so kind and lovely and oth of them never had very much money all their lives.
It’s just so awfully painful families can cause even more pain over money.

 

[yoy]

Stay strong @Pixibel. Reading through this it sounds to me too that you are in the right and they are in the wrong. You've had enough on caring for your parents, and you don't need this added stress level. You need to protect your own well being so that you can carry on doing what you are doing because if you fold - who will care for his best interests then? I agree with what canary said, if it was me taking all that I would be inclined to block them.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Here is the thing,

You should have had siblings who love your parents as much as you
You should have siblings who put parents needs in front of their own
You should have has siblings who were so grateful for shouldering all the care work alone
You should have has siblings who say ‘Hey sis, you have a lot on right now, how can we help?’
You should have had siblings who didn’t bring so much drama into your life
You should have, but you don’t

You are grieving, grieving for the sibling relationship

You are trying to use your brain and intellect to figure this out. You can’t
Don’t think, grieve
Cry, swear whatever

Then put on your big girl pants and carry on the excellent job you are doing.

You will find validation here

Not from your sibs sadly

It is what it is

 

[Pixibel]

Thank you Yoy.

Thankyou

Here is the thing,

You should have had siblings who love your parents as much as you
You should have siblings who put parents needs in front of their own
You should have has siblings who were so grateful for shouldering all the care work alone
You should have has siblings who say ‘Hey sis, you have a lot on right now, how can we help?’
You should have had siblings who didn’t bring so much drama into your life
You should have, but you don’t

You are grieving, grieving for the sibling relationship

You are trying to use your brain and intellect to figure this out. You can’t
Don’t think, grieve
Cry, swear whatever

Then put on your big girl pants and carry on the excellent job you are doing.

You will find validation here

Not from your sibs sadly

It is what it is

Sherwoodsue Thankyou .

 

[Lawson58]

Would it be helpful if your solicitor could write a letter to each of them explaining that disposing of your dad’s money in any way apart from his care is not appropriate and they have to wait for all the legal processes to be completed before they get their miserly cotton picking fingers on it?

 

[Suzysheep01]

I can somewhat relate to this. My sibling isn’t demanding money, but has gone off on one because I dared ask them to contribute to the electric bill at our loved ones house they are renovating for themselves. ( LO in care home, sibling intending to buy house, but due to circumstances hasn’t sold their own)
they gave me a long winded list of everything I was spending LOs money on, including the fact I buy them pull ups so they don’t have to use the supplied ones they find so uncomfortable. Apparently they have never been so offended. I have been the sole carer for my LO for the last 8 years since my other parent passed away and they fell apart. Dementia symptoms started pretty soon after. Third sibling passed away a couple of years later, I coped by myself with the fallout from that too. Sibling has only helped a handful of times, never even had my LO over for so much as a cup of tea. It’s disgusting and I don’t know how these siblings live with themselves.
maybe get a solicitor involved as a 3rd party to stop them money grabbing? That is the route I’m taking.

 

[JoannePat]

@Lawson58 I am so glad I came to your reply, this is exactly what was going through my head.

It maybe worth a solicitors letter to both sisters explaining that all funds are to be held for your fathers care, including his property.

Someone else made the comment "where theres a will theres a relative", well ain't that the truth!

You can see how much support there is here, don't be a stranger..........we have either been through it or are going through it!

Sending hugs,

Jxx

 

[Rayreadynow]

POA do not have any real over sight or monitoring from the Office of the Public Guardian. I would be interested to know why you did not put all your siblings on the POA application, it would have been the right thing to do.