Have had enough!

[JB]

Hi all, yes today is a bad day hence I’m writing this. I care for my Dad in his own home and gave up my life, job and friends to move to his house with my partner. It’s been a year and a half and I am finding myself becoming more and more unhappy, angry, short tempered. I literally hate my life and I get no thanks, satisfaction or enjoyment from looking after my Dad. I am disgusted to say this but in reality I am becoming resentful of him. How do others cope?, as I don’t think I can do this much longer.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @JB

I coped by ranting on here when it all got too much for me. I was lucky that my dad and I had a warped sense of humour and managed to laugh at most things but I didn’t live with my dad and I couldn’t have.

Have you had your dad assessed for carers? It sounds as though you need some help. If you want to continue looking after him at home could you get respite or some daycare to give you a break?

 

[Wildflowerlady]

Hi @JB

Sorry I'm no help at all because I absolutely know I couldn't cope with living with my dad and his dementia. Dad has carers 4 times per day and I visit him around 5 afternoons per week. Dad lives on his own but I know we are on our way to him having to go into care home as he has started to get aggressive with some of his carers and will refuse their offers of personnel care such as catheter drain and pad change.
Unfortunately that will be down to the Social Services as dad doesn't own his home.
I can only suggest same as @Bunpoots suggests you look into getting dad some carers coming in to give you some relief.
Please don't feel upset or disgusted by what you feel or say regarding your thoughts I'm sure we all feel it at some point I know I certainly do and yes sometimes I hate my life too.

 

[nae sporran]

I know that feeling @JB. My partner's day centre / lunch club allows me half a day a week to get out and socialise, otherwise I would have cracked up 3 years ago. Get a carers assessment done and try to find something for yourself.

 

[Donkeyshere]

All I can say from experience, living with the MIL for 8 years (4 years since diagnosis) if you get to the stage that you resentful then you need to re-evaluate how much longer you want to carry on for. We always said that we would only look after the MIL until affected our lives to the point that our lives were no longer our own. Next week MIL goes into a home, yes I felt bad to begin with but I am always reminded on this site, even though she will not like it, its not about her wants, its what she needs and that also extends to the carers. Do not feel bad in the slightest about how you feel, only you know how much you can take, this site is fantastic for putting down how you feel and not to be judged.

 

[JB]

Thank you for all being so kind and supportive, I don’t feel such a bad person after reading your comments and suggestions. I think for me and my fathers relationship to survive and for any kind of love to still be between us I need to stop caring for him and find other avenues like carers coming in. I do feel like a failure, but I am not the person I used to be. This experience is changing me for the worse.

Thank you all once again x

 

[Grahamstown]

Thank you for all being so kind and supportive, I don’t feel such a bad person after reading your comments and suggestions. I think for me and my fathers relationship to survive and for any kind of love to still be between us I need to stop caring for him and find other avenues like carers coming in. I do feel like a failure, but I am not the person I used to be. This experience is changing me for the worse.

Thank you all once again x

Please read The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring by Hugh Marriott. You are not a failure and you and your Dad are changed, your person with dementia is not the same person you loved and that is what caring for someone with dementia does to you. You are a caring person who actually needs a bit of care yourself and I do hope you can have faith in yourself restored. Some carers coming in to relieve the pressure would help but I hope you can tell yourself that you have been doing an amazing job which you certainly didn’t want to do but tried your best and now you need some help.

 

[TNJJ]

Hi @JB

I coped by ranting on here when it all got too much for me. I was lucky that my dad and I had a warped sense of humour and managed to laugh at most things but I didn’t live with my dad and I couldn’t have.

Have you had your dad assessed for carers? It sounds as though you need some help. If you want to continue looking after him at home could you get respite or some daycare to give you a break?

Hi all, yes today is a bad day hence I’m writing this. I care for my Dad in his own home and gave up my life, job and friends to move to his house with my partner. It’s been a year and a half and I am finding myself becoming more and more unhappy, angry, short tempered. I literally hate my life and I get no thanks, satisfaction or enjoyment from looking after my Dad. I am disgusted to say this but in reality I am becoming resentful of him. How do others cope?, as I don’t think I can do this much longer.

Hi.! I got to that stage (took me 4 years but I have up my job just under a year ago to be his main carer)I was sleeping eating dementia. But it was when I got to feeling suicidal that I realised I could do no more.I handed dad back to his carers full time(4X) a day. No more personal care etc. I didn't move in with him(dad and I didn't/don't have a good relationship as a child or adult) I still care for him in other ways.Doctor appointments and cooking etc, But I need to be in my own home even though I am on call 24/7. ..Can you step back a little??Hand back to carers??

 

[Lawson58]

Thank you for all being so kind and supportive, I don’t feel such a bad person after reading your comments and suggestions. I think for me and my fathers relationship to survive and for any kind of love to still be between us I need to stop caring for him and find other avenues like carers coming in. I do feel like a failure, but I am not the person I used to be. This experience is changing me for the worse.

Thank you all once again x

Please don't think of yourself as a failure. Dementia is a very destructive force for both the patient and those around them, especially if you are living with them.

My husband and I had been married quite happily for only a few years when things started to go wrong. He became extremely paranoid and our relationship deteriorated badly. This lasted for a period of two years and then it took another year to get a diagnosis. In the middle of all this, he had a cardiac arrest and took months to recover.

By this stage, we had discussed separation and divorce but finances were the the thing that made the decision for us to stay together. It is now almost seven years since he was diagnosed and even though he is very high functioning, meaning that I don't suffer what others do, I wish I wish I wish I wish that I had got when I could.

I didn't fail my husband but I failed myself. Do what you need to do for you and your partner. Your dad is only going to get worse but you have a future that you need to nurture.

 

[Pete1]

This experience is changing me for the worse.

Hi @JB, sadly I think that is the case for most of us. I did find that when Mum went into residential care I could get back to visiting her and having a relaxing and enjoyable time (she was certainly much happier as the anxiety and fear was no longer there). I couldn't have lived with Mum, although I did give up my job to spend more time with her in her time of need - I had carers also going in 4 times a day. I have to say I felt privileged that I was able to do that, and although it was extremely stressful at times I'm still please I did it - but I could return to my own home each day. The one thing I did find is my world shrank somewhat, which I think magnified the issues that I was facing. I think you have reached the point where you need support to help you - that might enable you to get back some of your old life, a balance is important. Stay strong, all the best.

 

[Avis]

Hi all, yes today is a bad day hence I’m writing this. I care for my Dad in his own home and gave up my life, job and friends to move to his house with my partner. It’s been a year and a half and I am finding myself becoming more and more unhappy, angry, short tempered. I literally hate my life and I get no thanks, satisfaction or enjoyment from looking after my Dad. I am disgusted to say this but in reality I am becoming resentful of him. How do others cope?, as I don’t think I can do this much longer.

After 7 years of caring for OH with MSA I know how you feel. There were times when I felt we would both be better off dead. I would get angry and short tempered but rarely really let go and most of the time it was sheer exhaustion and frustration. Last week OH went in a Care facility for respite and the doctor and our family made the decision to leave him there where he is safe and has professional care. My OH cannot walk, is doubly incontinent, cannot swallow properly nor read or hear and has regular bouts of sun-downers. I physically cannot lift him when he falls ( which is often) so now he has two people to lift and shower him, they use all the specialised equipment they need and they are trained to cope with the dementia. It broke my heart to leave him there but we are both better off. Don't feel guilty about your feelings; we all do the best we can.

 

[Lorraine D]

Hi @JB
You are a wonderful daughter, not many people can do what you are doing. Ask for help from social services, even for just one day a week, so you can get out. You need to take care of yourself first. x

 

[rowbocop]

Hi there

I am so glad to see your post as I feel exactly the same! My Dad has moved in with us. He was spending time between my sister's house and mine but it was making her ill and so now he's at our house full-time. I loved the old Dad but he's gone now and I feel like a slave. He thinks I am at his beck and call and I spend most of my time trying to avoid spending time with him. I too am short tempered. The way his mind is working, it's all about what he wants and he's oblivious to my daily struggle. I worry about the rest of my family too as we never get any time without him. I don't think I can cope much longer but I'm dreading the conversation about him going into a home as he's adamant he doesn't want to go in one. Anyway, in answer to your question, I (just about) cope by making inappropriate jokes about it with my family, ranting to my sister, moaning to the dog (he doesn't tell me I'm being unfair) and the occasional scream. I hope things resolve themselves for you. Please don't feel guilty if you can't do it any more, you have a life to live.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @rowbocop welcome to Dementia Talking Point

Now that you’ve found us you can moan to us as well as the dog
We won’t tell you you’re being unfair either...

 

[rowbocop]

Now that you’ve found us you can moan to us as well as the dog
We won’t tell you you’re being unfair either...[/QUOTE]

Hi @Bunpoots Thank you, much appreciated. Poor dog will be pleased!

 

[Mousehill]

Moan any time - we're all in the same boat My mum has just spent the morning complaining about being cold and refusing any extra clothes or rugs - but fortunately, the dog has commandeered the fleece she tossed aside and snuggled up in it, so at least there's one happy camper in the house today

 

[spandit]

Wow. First post on here but so relieved it's not just me who feels like this. My father came to visit for Christmas but we didn't feel it was safe for him to return home (150 miles away) and so we moved him in. So glad I had LPA in place as it means paying carers etc. isn't an issue but most of the time it's down to me, his son, to care for him. Wish I had some easy answers for you...

 

[PauseGame]

Hi all, yes today is a bad day hence I’m writing this. I care for my Dad in his own home and gave up my life, job and friends to move to his house with my partner. It’s been a year and a half and I am finding myself becoming more and more unhappy, angry, short tempered. I literally hate my life and I get no thanks, satisfaction or enjoyment from looking after my Dad. I am disgusted to say this but in reality I am becoming resentful of him. How do others cope?, as I don’t think I can do this much longer.

Oh I could've wrote this myself..I've been living with dad for 15 mi ths now with my 2 kids in a small cramped house, gave up my job, my social life, my kids hated leaving their friends on an estate to live in the countryside with no kids nearby....I didn't grow up with my dad, my mam left him when I was 2..I can see why now!!...ive never been hugely close to him as my mam raised me...i got closer to him in my teens but hes always been very gruff and an uneducated man, barely schooled and went out to work at 12...known by most as a difficult man to get on with, his way or no way, he always knows best...very backward and narrow minded......but can be a softie at times underneath it all....hes now almost 85 and is even worse...no matter what I do it's wrong, I get no thanks for anything, I'm his sole carer..my 2 brothers dont do much unless they HAVE to...day in day out hes rude to me, I'll tempered, criticising and hes only got mild alzheimer's/dementia...he cant drive now, never been a big socialiser only in his own small circle, refuses to visit his brothers houses, refuses to join mens shed, refuses to go anywhere interesting yet tells people he only gets out when hes brought....dosent want to read dosent want to watch that **** on telly....and gets the hump if I say I'm going anywhere....he dosent want my partner 'making a habit' of staying over....I'm 40 not 14 like....hence my partner didnt come over for valentine's night as he had stayed over last weekend and my dad kept asking what time he was going at.....God forgive me but I'll say it out loud.......at times I've wished him dead....there I said it...im so tired of being put down and not being able to live how I want in 'not' my own home....cantthrow out junk that's piled up because for some reason he wants it yet theres no room to put the groceries away, hes got the biggest bedroom with a king bed to himself and me and my daughter are squashed into the middle room in bunk beds and my sons in a box room where I had to buy a high sleeper bed just so could fit his stuff into the room.....i gave up a beautiful 4 bed house in town for this....and if I try to modernise this place I told I'm only here to get the house ?....I *******hate my life and some moments I almost hate him....he sits there day in day out complaining if the lights are on or the telly on about wasting electricity....eh I pay all the bills myself so it's none of his concern? He complains if we eat 'that aul *****, ie anything that's not spuds n veg....its a prison sentence in a way and I wish I was one of you who really loves their parent...ido love him but most of the time i dont like him ????

 

[Grannie G]

I wish I was one of you who really loves their parent

I can identify with this @PauseGame although I haven`t had the struggle you are having.

When I was caring for my mother I tried to get the best care possible for her which would free me from the responsibility.

I can only suggest you do something similar.

Please phone the Helpine. They may be able to advise a way out of this.

National Dementia Helpline


0300 222 11 22


Our helpline advisers are here for you.


Helpline opening hours:


Monday to Wednesday 9am – 8pm


Thursday and Friday 9am – 5pm


Saturday and Sunday 10am – 4pm

 

[Palerider]

In the end it becomes all consuming @PauseGame -even if you love a parent the relationship becomes strained as they change and you can no longer keep up with their needs. It becomes difficult hanging onto 'what was' as you are pushed into the 'what is'. Its hard but @Grannie G has sign posted a way forward, sometimes its good to talk and sort out where everything is going. You can't care for someone feeling this way-its not fair on you or your dad.