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Have had enough!

PauseGame

Registered User
Feb 1, 2020
15
Hi ladies, he will not have help come in...nor will he consider nursing home..hes not bad enough yet to go over his head about it, hes still fairly with it...just gets his sentences backwards and forgets things but is very aware of his surroundings....hed absolutely hit the roof if I mentioned carers coming in.....as it is he dosent think he needs me either...hed rather be left to his own devices....hed lived alone for over 20 years before we moved in and I think hes still resentful of that...
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,225
cornwall
Oh I could've wrote this myself..I've been living with dad for 15 mi ths now with my 2 kids in a small cramped house, gave up my job, my social life, my kids hated leaving their friends on an estate to live in the countryside with no kids nearby....I didn't grow up with my dad, my mam left him when I was 2..I can see why now!!...ive never been hugely close to him as my mam raised me...i got closer to him in my teens but hes always been very gruff and an uneducated man, barely schooled and went out to work at 12...known by most as a difficult man to get on with, his way or no way, he always knows best...very backward and narrow minded......but can be a softie at times underneath it all....hes now almost 85 and is even worse...no matter what I do it's wrong, I get no thanks for anything, I'm his sole carer..my 2 brothers dont do much unless they HAVE to...day in day out hes rude to me, I'll tempered, criticising and hes only got mild alzheimer's/dementia...he cant drive now, never been a big socialiser only in his own small circle, refuses to visit his brothers houses, refuses to join mens shed, refuses to go anywhere interesting yet tells people he only gets out when hes brought....dosent want to read dosent want to watch that **** on telly....and gets the hump if I say I'm going anywhere....he dosent want my partner 'making a habit' of staying over....I'm 40 not 14 like....hence my partner didnt come over for valentine's night as he had stayed over last weekend and my dad kept asking what time he was going at.....God forgive me but I'll say it out loud.......at times I've wished him dead....there I said it...im so tired of being put down and not being able to live how I want in 'not' my own home....cantthrow out junk that's piled up because for some reason he wants it yet theres no room to put the groceries away, hes got the biggest bedroom with a king bed to himself and me and my daughter are squashed into the middle room in bunk beds and my sons in a box room where I had to buy a high sleeper bed just so could fit his stuff into the room.....i gave up a beautiful 4 bed house in town for this....and if I try to modernise this place I told I'm only here to get the house 🙄....I *******hate my life and some moments I almost hate him....he sits there day in day out complaining if the lights are on or the telly on about wasting electricity....eh I pay all the bills myself so it's none of his concern? He complains if we eat 'that aul *****, ie anything that's not spuds n veg....its a prison sentence in a way and I wish I was one of you who really loves their parent...ido love him but most of the time i dont like him 😔😔😔😔
Hi! I know that one! I have a dad very similar and am of the same mind. I was dad’s full time carer as I gave up my job. But not my home..I do not care for him full time anymore. I have got the carers in. I am not well now and cannot cope with dad full time. Dad has always been a half empty person and always got his own way by manipulating. That has got worse with his vascular dementia. I love him as he is my dad. But as for liking? Not so much...But then,we never had a good relationship so there is no difference now...I would step back and get some care in for him so you don’t end up more resentful..Anyway,keep posting..:)
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,225
cornwall
Hi ladies, he will not have help come in...nor will he consider nursing home..hes not bad enough yet to go over his head about it, hes still fairly with it...just gets his sentences backwards and forgets things but is very aware of his surroundings....hed absolutely hit the roof if I mentioned carers coming in.....as it is he dosent think he needs me either...hed rather be left to his own devices....hed lived alone for over 20 years before we moved in and I think hes still resentful of that...
Well,if he won’t get carers in(fluctuating capacity by any chance?)There is a thread on here somewhere on that.Then just step back.You have a family to consider and their needs come first.
 

PauseGame

Registered User
Feb 1, 2020
15
I just feel like **** really, suffer with depression myself and on my bad days it's so hard to get up out of bed and keep going...but I have to for my kids...I just feel he makes it worse...his moods affects the whole house....I used to feel like a weight was lifted when hed go off for the day with a friend...now he dosent do that anymore but hopefully when the weather picks up hell start going to these vintage shows with his friend maybe and I'll get a break...
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,225
cornwall
I just feel like **** really, suffer with depression myself and on my bad days it's so hard to get up out of bed and keep going...but I have to for my kids...I just feel he makes it worse...his moods affects the whole house....I used to feel like a weight was lifted when hed go off for the day with a friend...now he dosent do that anymore but hopefully when the weather picks up hell start going to these vintage shows with his friend maybe and I'll get a break...
When I used to care for dad at the end of the week I used to feel suicidal. That was a big wake up call for me.
 

PauseGame

Registered User
Feb 1, 2020
15
When I used to care for dad at the end of the week I used to feel suicidal. That was a big wake up call for me.
God that's awful...I'm not there yet thank God, I can cope most of the time just some days I really can't...its amazing that people outside of this situation have no inkling of how hard it is....I'm so thankful I found this forum...
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,225
cornwall
God that's awful...I'm not there yet thank God, I can cope most of the time just some days I really can't...its amazing that people outside of this situation have no inkling of how hard it is....I'm so thankful I found this forum...
I cared for dad for 4 years. 1year full time. That was enough.
 

trinity123

Registered User
Oct 7, 2019
15
It so awful that we all feel like this. My MIL moved in with us in August last year and was diagnosed in November.
She has always been miserable, condescending, critical and a bloody pain and now she is just worse. She has completely taken over our lives and house and I resent her being with us so much. It doesn't feel like my home anymore. She has never been sociable and claims she's ok on her own, but if we ever try to go out without her she's constantly on the phone, or on the phone to others saying we've abandoned her and left her with no food and she's always on her own.
My husband has realised he doesn't like her and she hasn't been the mother to him that she should have been, so he resents her even more now and they barely talk (apart from arguing!) so I'm stuck in the middle as she relies on me to do things for her.
I got to breaking point at the end of last year and ended up being diagnosed anti-depressants. something I never wanted to rely on, but they have made me feel "normal" and how I used to feel.
We have luckily managed to negotiate with my sister in law that we each have her stay for a month at a time - but it feels like shes doing us a favour when its her mum too! this starts on 1st March and I'm counting down the days!
Im so sorry so many of us feel like this - especially with lots of talk on mental health and looking after yourselves, but it all just feels like words.

"Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway"
 

TNJJ

Registered User
May 7, 2019
1,225
cornwall
It so awful that we all feel like this. My MIL moved in with us in August last year and was diagnosed in November.
She has always been miserable, condescending, critical and a bloody pain and now she is just worse. She has completely taken over our lives and house and I resent her being with us so much. It doesn't feel like my home anymore. She has never been sociable and claims she's ok on her own, but if we ever try to go out without her she's constantly on the phone, or on the phone to others saying we've abandoned her and left her with no food and she's always on her own.
My husband has realised he doesn't like her and she hasn't been the mother to him that she should have been, so he resents her even more now and they barely talk (apart from arguing!) so I'm stuck in the middle as she relies on me to do things for her.
I got to breaking point at the end of last year and ended up being diagnosed anti-depressants. something I never wanted to rely on, but they have made me feel "normal" and how I used to feel.
We have luckily managed to negotiate with my sister in law that we each have her stay for a month at a time - but it feels like shes doing us a favour when its her mum too! this starts on 1st March and I'm counting down the days!
Im so sorry so many of us feel like this - especially with lots of talk on mental health and looking after yourselves, but it all just feels like words.

"Some days there won’t be a song in your heart. Sing anyway"
It is yes. But I cannot change dad ,only my outlook and my circumstances. So like you that’s what I did .I also did caring as a job and I don’t think that helped tbh. But stepping back helped enormously. I also have my mum to care for(no dementia heart failure)in her house. Hopefully things will improve for you. Good luck.:):)
 

Chris999

New member
Oct 29, 2017
7
Hi all, yes today is a bad day hence I’m writing this. I care for my Dad in his own home and gave up my life, job and friends to move to his house with my partner. It’s been a year and a half and I am finding myself becoming more and more unhappy, angry, short tempered. I literally hate my life and I get no thanks, satisfaction or enjoyment from looking after my Dad. I am disgusted to say this but in reality I am becoming resentful of him. How do others cope?, as I don’t think I can do this much longer.
Admitting you are resentful and recognizing it is a major step and shows self awareness. It's a perfectly normal reaction and par for the course, don't beat yourself up.
You need to decide if you want to carry on, and find coping mechanisms that work for you or just call it a day sooner rather than later and throw the towel in.
I can't advise much as I'm nowhere near that stage but if you can engage with as many people as possible in the situation or have been there they'll probably have a few tricks.
All I know is I can't face myself doing anything other than be a carer and it's my destiny. I just stick with it and take what life throws at me, so far so good.
There ought to be support groups like AA where people can bond and advise each other.
Sorry I can't be of more help.