There are some very interesting points made here, and some which seem rather bothered about my mentioning money. It isn't worth my going into the reasons that my father has always believed he could absolve any guilt from the past by writing cheques. With regard to his great granddaughter ,he managed to convince her that he could magic a pound coin from each ear. Small things, but important to him. Dad is in the very early stages of vascular dementia so has 'fluctuating capacity '. He knows who I am & hasn't lost his sense of humour. We're able to take him out for meals and nobody would know that he is anything but a 'normal '(I hate the word, but it's easier than expanding) elderly man. I wonder if perhaps many of the people on here have relatives or spouses who are further along the path? To answer, briefly, the query of how much support we offered it was three days/two nights living in every week by myself, two days/one night or two separate nights by my daughter, and one full week in six by my sister; we also offered to organise visits by the Lodge members, bowls club friends & ex military people who offer support. I hope that people can see that it was certainly not just occasional help. I also asked that my father come to live with me, but by the time we knew what was going on 'behind the scenes' many decisions had already been made. Fighting these decisions was futile & only later events proved that the decisions had not been based on Dad's best interests (most terrifying of these being a suicide attempt & hospitalisation). Legal advice has indicated that the term 'next of kin' has no legal position within care homes & that it is a construct allowing the homes to communicate with one person rather than many. This only works if the person being contacted is willing to share the information & my biggest fear is that my father may suffer an accident that we are not aware of. Regardless of whether there is a good relationship between second or subsequent spouses & a person's children surely there is a moral obligation to ensure that everyone concerned is aware of any issues. Certainly I would inform my father's wife if I received information relating to him & wouldn't be put off doing so by her attitude or behaviour. Nobody has poa for health & welfare currently, which has caused a few issues in itself, though the care home do seem to realise that we probably know Dad better than anyone else & have responded positively to requests for urine tests (each time showing a uti present that had not been noticed), gp visits (again each time supporting reasons for concern) & pointers towards interests in order to prevent Dad from presenting as depressed/bored. Family relationships are different for everyone and we are very lucky to have divorced parents who still care about each other (my mother has visited my father whilst she has been staying with me). A marriage which produced three children between them clearly holds value for them both, and neither parent had any children after they divorced. Sadly, there are only two of us left. However defensive second/subsequent spouses might be surely everybody realises that parent/child love is not lessened by any romantic relationships? Perhaps we're just extremely lucky, though for the sake of humanity I hope that this isn't the case. I will telephone the helpline after the weekend, but now realise that our situation is too complex to try to explain with a finger & keyboard. Thanks to those that took the time to respond, and especially to those who sent hugs. I wish you all strength, hope & understanding as you walk the difficult path ahead.
it’s nothing to do with dementia but I have experienced being shut out of devious
I am adopted & was in contact with my biological Mum for over 20 years. My Bio Mum was never a well person & had married a man on the rebound from my adoption.
( my bio mum wrote letters & a book explaining things) this man let’s call him step Dad always made it clear he had children from a previous marriage & was always seemingly pleasant but ....
I found my bio Mum when my children were very small after I had TIA’s & was curious to know the back ground health issues. My bio mum was the missing piece of the jigsaw puzzle in every way!
Until she became terminally ill we had an open loving relationship with step Dad in the background being tolerated by my bio mum. Then when I couldn’t move in to look after my bio mum - I had 2 PWD my adopted parents to sort out! - my stepdad got nasty.
I was there for the palliative nurse first visit & even the palliative nurse could see the issues with my stepdad.
so after my step dad invented an argument - even though other family’s members were present I was effectively shut out of the care of my bio mum . She died within weeks with me not being allowed to see her by my stepdad & other family members
I can only tell you that while my bio mum was ill it was my daughters 21st - & despite my biosmums wishes no card or small token was given. Step dads own daughter had her 50th & had a party at my bio mums home - we saw on Facebook later & a second hand convertible appeared. my own 50th birthday earlier in the year I realised how poorly my bio mum was before diagnosis & kept saying to her we would celebrate together when she was a little better & the weather was nice - a trip to the beach & a picnic!
So my bio mum passed & I wasn’t allowed to be present I saw her when she was put onto the morphine pump & unconscious.
it turns out that my step dad had his solicitor draw up new wills & get them signed the day before this happened. Excluding all my biomums wishes & becoming sole benefactor. Not unusual in a marriage I know but my Mum had a will held at a solicitor already & this this became null & void. Yes the step dad got rid of all paper evidence! & as I wasn’t allowed access to my mum I couldn’t ensure her true wishes were adhered to. My mum & step dad didn’t live as husband & wife - a front was put on to the public; my step dad had left my mum for another woman & when that broke down mum let him live with her & her mother who had set up a profitable business together.
My step dad continued relations with women & still does, even when my mum was on her deathbed.
There are two sides to every story & people . We can only speak from our personal experiences.
Personally as a LPA for both my adopted parents I honour their commitments to charities, church etc, & ensure cards & presents are sent to family members. That’s part of being a LPA. Yes I watch the pennies for both of their accounts but it’s not my money & honouring the wishes of a PWD is part of being a LPA.
My parents aren’t well off & I am happy to release equity on the family home when the time comes to keep my parents as they wish to be looked after.
I realise that the equity is Mum & Dads not mine.
it’s a different perspective, but the marital accounts & savings are clearly separated out. 50/50 for joint & saving in your own name.
So however the finances are the persons wishes should be adhered to unless the pot is below the financial threshold of £11k.
I hasten to add I don’t accept anything for myself & prior to Mum s dementia diagnosis put any monies into an account which I then used to pay some of Dads care bills!
But I still allow her the pleasure of giving gifts to others - Christmas presents to her friends & carers & family. My dad doesn’t have capacity to make these decisions so it comes from the joint account.
money always is a divisive topic. I hope no one judges me on my decisions as I have made them openly & in my parents best interests.