Thanks
@LadyA @Pete1 and
@Mydarlingdaughter xxx
Mum at times has told me she wishes she had done more for her mum before she died, a neighbour told mum after she died that her mum had been quite lonely. Mum did see her fairly regularly but she had two small children, it was two bus rides to visit, and my dad liked her to be home when he got in from work and wasnt one for visiting so she felt like she couldn't see as much of her as either of them would have liked and feels she didn't do enough for her mum, feels guilty she didnt do more and spend more time with her while she could. I feel like I don't want to feel like that about me and mum but possibly human nature means people usually do feel like that no matter what they do, that they could or should have done more.
Mum flips between telling me she doesnt want to put on me and have me looking after her and she wants me to have a life, to wanting to be with me all the time and just me to look after her.
This afternoon a care home up the street from me that my sister had contacted rang sis and said they may have a space for mums respite and that we could go and look round anytime we wanted, just to pop in. So sis told me and I said I'd try mention it to mum if seemed in receptive mood.
So later on when Mum was talking about being lonely and scared of being alone in her bungalow and getting mixed up and how she used to be ok on her own but now she wasnt, she was not understanding and forgetting more and more and didn't know why it had got so bad but she didnt know if she could do it anymore, I said well if you feel like that why don't you try some help like the social worker suggested. I know its scary having strangers coming in to house to check on you and help but they wont be strangers long. Or you could try respite or day care in a care home. It is scary cos its new and you don't know them but you say its scary at home now so why not try something that might help you feel better.
We chatted for quite a while about trying a home and not having to worry if she'd locked things or if forgot anything and people would be there so not as lonely and mum was quite interested and positive about it.
I told her we could go see one up the road from me and see what thought, she didnt have to commit to going just go for a look.
In the end despite being nervous and saying didnt want a dirty one, or a nasty one and other worries she had, including if we'd still see her at weekends and if she could come out to visit us and me visit her there, she said maybe it would be better for her because she didn't want to go back to her bungalow alone and actually might prefer to stay there.
Unfortunately SW says mum cant go in care home permanently yet so if mum does go into respite and likes it she would have to come back to her home again either alone or with me staying again.
Mum wasnt fond of that so I tried to say see it as a rest to give yourself time to get used to how feeling. You will have seen memory clinic in few weeks and might know cause of your memory problems and you'll have been taking your tablets a bit longer so maybe you'll be feeling bit stronger by then and might be ok to go home and try carers or day centre while living at home.
It does seem a shame that if she did go and settled she'd then have to leave and go back to how we are now.
Of course all this is if she doesn't change her mind again and refuse to go which is quite likely as she did back track a bit later on. She said didn't want to go look this weekend as she hadnt had time to think about it. I said ok but if you want hubby to come (which she had said earlier she did) then it can only be weekends so if don't go this weekend it will have to wait another week so thats another week of being like this before staring doing anything about it. You could go look and then think about it after, you don't have to say straight away.
I have a feeling when I mention it tomorrow she'll say no I'll wait, but I will keep trying and also contact a few more to see if can look just in case.