How do you get a person to understand when they are not capable of understanding.

[dancer12]

My husband is constantly misunderstanding, he has lost a lot of his hearing and just may not hear me. I talk louder and he still does not understand. Do you treat them like children, if I do he says "I'm not a child, I'm an adult man." That's when I turn and just walk away because if I don't I'll say something I'll never be able to take back He may forget (maybe) but I never will. It's so upsetting. I go to bed angry and I get up angrier because I know I have to face a whole day of repeating myself over & over again. Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

Thanks Much

 

[margherita]

Hi @dancer12 ,
I have given up talking to my husband, unless it is necessary.
No conversation at all.
It is so frustrating ..
I do not know if my husband has hearing problems or if, as someone here suggested, he is slow in the word processing.
Who knows.
When I have to talk to him, I try to use simple words and short sentences.
And when I have to repeat, I repeat exactly the same words, because , il I change them, I might have to start again from the beginning.

 

[Beate]

Might this article help a little?

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

 

[dancer12]

Hi @dancer12 ,
I have given up talking to my husband, unless it is necessary.
No conversation at all.
It is so frustrating ..
I do not know if my husband has hearing problems or if, as someone here suggested, he is slow in the word processing.
Who knows.
When I have to talk to him, I try to use simple words and short sentences.
And when I have to repeat, I repeat exactly the same words, because , il I change them, I might have to start again from the beginning.

Hi Margherita:

It is just so frustrating. It must be so frustrating & so quiet for you too. At times I just want to go out & buy a talking bird just to get some conversation & noise. Anyway when he doesn't understand I don't know if he can't understand or he just can't hear me, my voice escalates and I get more & more upset. I know he feels my frustration & gets frustrated himself. Last night before bed I said "GO PEE" half an hour later I was still trying to get him to go. I had to give up. I know it's not his fault but I'm just trying to help.

Thanks for your quick reply.

 

[karaokePete]

Communication can be a difficult issue and much of what I experience has been mentioned already.

One thing that I find helps is to look my wife directly in the face when giving instructions. That expressionless dementia stare that I usually get means I often ask if I’ve been heard and understood. Even then I have to say something like “we’ll do it then” as the thought process just can’t be carried into action so much of the time.

I don’t think they can help it but it is so exasperating at times that I too just give up. It’s sad that our loved ones both deserve and demand to be treated as an adult but end up needing to be treated like a child at times.

 

[canary]

I dont try and explain things to OH anymore. I was once advised to "say what, not why", so I keep communication simple and dont actually say very much to him these days. I also do as karaokePete and make sure that OH is looking directly at me. I dont try and tell him too much at once - he can only retain one piece of information now. Its no good trying to communicate when he is stressed - he just doesnt hear. Even so, we end up having the same conversation repeated.

BTW, Im not a saint - I still forget and try and have a "normal" conversation with him at times, which is frustrating on both sides. My OH has this thing about not being treated like a child too - it seems a common complaint.

 

[dancer12]

Communication can be a difficult issue and much of what I experience has been mentioned already.

One thing that I find helps is to look my wife directly in the face when giving instructions. That expressionless dementia stare that I usually get means I often ask if I’ve been heard and understood. Even then I have to say something like “we’ll do it then” as the thought process just can’t be carried into action so much of the time.

I don’t think they can help it but it is so exasperating at times that I too just give up. It’s sad that our loved ones both deserve and demand to be treated as an adult but end up needing to be treated like a child at times.

Hi karaokePete:

Thanks for your reply. I know he treats the caregivers differently than he does me, they are so gentle with him. I've come to believe it's me that's the problem not him. I've never really accepted his illness and I still feel angry and my anger does come through in my voice as resentment and I'm sure he feels that. I understand that none of this is his fault but he's the one standing before me and not understanding. It's just so frustrating.

 

[dancer12]

Might this article help a little?

https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

Hi beate:

Thanks any help is a great help these days.

 

[RosettaT]

It's all a learning curve isn't it.
When I fist met my OH's mother ( A lovely lady) she said to me 'You can't push my son, but he will be easily lead'.
That was apparent last night when I helped him undress. For his own benefit I try to limit his movement as he has arthritus and stiff joints after he has been sat awhile, so I try to take all his lower half clothing off together so he doesn't have to stand-sit-stand etc but he just refused. Not like him at all. After a while I realised he just wanted to be in control of how he undressed, but just couldn't tell me. I made an excuse and left him to it. 10 mins later I returned and he had struggled but managed by himself and was in a really jovial mood. I can understand where was coming from, and so what if he has his pjs on back to front or sleeps with a sock on. From now on I'll try to gauge the way he is feeling and only offer to help when he's really having difficulties.

 

[karaokePete]

Hi karaokePete:

Thanks for your reply. I know he treats the caregivers differently than he does me, they are so gentle with him. I've come to believe it's me that's the problem not him. I've never really accepted his illness and I still feel angry and my anger does come through in my voice as resentment and I'm sure he feels that. I understand that none of this is his fault but he's the one standing before me and not understanding. It's just so frustrating.

I think you are hitting the nail on the head there. A while back I did a course on dementia and it was mentioned that as the senses are lost a PWD becomes an expert at picking up on feelings as it’s all that’s left them.

It may not be much of a consolation, but you are not alone in this. It’s all very well for others who are not involved 24:7 as they have time away to release stress before they face the person again. When it’s your spouse that has dementia we are tied to them and the frustration will build - it’s only natural. I cope by doing my very best to take an hour to myself every day. I don’t always succeed in this but can take the frustration better when I do.

I completely understand what you are saying.

 

[Martarita]

Hi Dancer 12 ,my OH has dementia I too keep my conversations to short sentences and simple words so it's easier for him to understand . sometimes think he's not listening or he just can't process what I'm saying I repeat myself a lot too .We have no conversation as such it s mostly questions and answers nowadays, xx

 

[witts1973]

Due to the lack of chat at home,the quick visit to the shops a few times a week is a Godsend for me,I chat their ears off when I get there,they must think who is this very chatty,friendly man,I look forward to seeing the same people to catch up.

 

[Agzy]

My husband is constantly misunderstanding, he has lost a lot of his hearing and just may not hear me. I talk louder and he still does not understand. Do you treat them like children, if I do he says "I'm not a child, I'm an adult man." That's when I turn and just walk away because if I don't I'll say something I'll never be able to take back He may forget (maybe) but I never will. It's so upsetting. I go to bed angry and I get up angrier because I know I have to face a whole day of repeating myself over & over again. Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

Thanks Much

I have the issue in sort of reverse as I am very hard of hearing and awaiting new hearing aids and my OH a PWD gets so angry at me but just as she has great difficulty remembering things and getting confused. I have great difficulty in understanding her and can only see her facial expressions of anger and sort of disdain as though I mishear deliberately which of course I dont. All as I can say is be even more patient than usual and try to understand how bad he must feel being unable to hear properly and then having to make sense of what he thinks he hears given he has dementia. Not easy for either of you x

 

[dancer12]

It's all a learning curve isn't it.
When I fist met my OH's mother ( A lovely lady) she said to me 'You can't push my son, but he will be easily lead'.
That was apparent last night when I helped him undress. For his own benefit I try to limit his movement as he has arthritus and stiff joints after he has been sat awhile, so I try to take all his lower half clothing off together so he doesn't have to stand-sit-stand etc but he just refused. Not like him at all. After a while I realised he just wanted to be in control of how he undressed, but just couldn't tell me. I made an excuse and left him to it. 10 mins later I returned and he had struggled but managed by himself and was in a really jovial mood. I can understand where was coming from, and so what if he has his pjs on back to front or sleeps with a sock on. From now on I'll try to gauge the way he is feeling and only offer to help when he's really having difficulties.

Hi RosettaT.

Thanks for response, I know I should be more patient with him but after telling him to do something 20 times over, frustration & impatience sets in. Like you one time I was a saint in training, but now I am a devil in training, in her living years my mother would have sat at a table laughing & called me a beast (my dad had dementia as well). I wish I had more patience. I think he gets a thrill out of me getting upset.

Thanks again. I will try to be more patient.

 

[dancer12]

I have the issue in sort of reverse as I am very hard of hearing and awaiting new hearing aids and my OH a PWD gets so angry at me but just as she has great difficulty remembering things and getting confused. I have great difficulty in understanding her and can only see her facial expressions of anger and sort of disdain as though I mishear deliberately which of course I dont. All as I can say is be even more patient than usual and try to understand how bad he must feel being unable to hear properly and then having to make sense of what he thinks he hears given he has dementia. Not easy for either of you x

Hi Agzy:

Thanks, I know it is difficult for him and he has to deal with me going crazy on him too. My mother-in-law couldn't hear very well either. In the care home she sat with another lady who had hearing difficulties as well. They would both chatter away and laughing & agreeing with each other. Maybe if we could hear less we'd argue less also.

 

[dancer12]

Due to the lack of chat at home,the quick visit to the shops a few times a week is a Godsend for me,I chat their ears off when I get there,they must think who is this very chatty,friendly man,I look forward to seeing the same people to catch up.

Hi witts1973:

I thought women were the chatty ones.

 

[dancer12]

I found I could not cope 24/7 for these reasons I arranged for carers/companions for my OH at least four days a week. That has been a life-saver - for both of us - he is better too.

Hi Sarahdun:

What a great idea, I might just give it a try. Trouble is I might not come back.

 

[dancer12]

Hi Dancer 12 ,my OH has dementia I too keep my conversations to short sentences and simple words so it's easier for him to understand . sometimes think he's not listening or he just can't process what I'm saying I repeat myself a lot too .We have no conversation as such it s mostly questions and answers nowadays, xx

Hi Mararita:

It's so difficult having to make all decisions and all. Sometimes we go to a restaurant and I watch the other people talking & laughing and I just want to cry, so I eat as fast as I can so we can get out. It's all so sad.

 

[dancer12]

I think you are hitting the nail on the head there. A while back I did a course on dementia and it was mentioned that as the senses are lost a PWD becomes an expert at picking up on feelings as it’s all that’s left them.

It may not be much of a consolation, but you are not alone in this. It’s all very well for others who are not involved 24:7 as they have time away to release stress before they face the person again. When it’s your spouse that has dementia we are tied to them and the frustration will build - it’s only natural. I cope by doing my very best to take an hour to myself every day. I don’t always succeed in this but can take the frustration better when I do.

I completely understand what you are saying.

Hi karaokePete:

Thanks, taking 1 hour a day sounds lovely.

 

[Agzy]

Hi Agzy:

Thanks, I know it is difficult for him and he has to deal with me going crazy on him too. My mother-in-law couldn't hear very well either. In the care home she sat with another lady who had hearing difficulties as well. They would both chatter away and laughing & agreeing with each other. Maybe if we could hear less we'd argue less also.

You could be right there but an amazing amount of my ‘conversation’ is by reading body and lips and pure guesswork and you learn to smile nods etc based on these messages and have no idea on which you are commenting but can have very funny results sometimes!