Mum going to report me

[pingpong]

So today went round to my mum's to walk the dog. She asked about whether son was visiting me on his birthday or spending it at home with his girlfriend. I told her she was at university. Oh, I didn't know that you never told me, etc. Went on from there that I was holding stuff back from her and didn't talk to her, etc. I walked her dog and went back in for more!!! She said I was trying to make out she was a liar and losing her marbles. I said I wasn't making her out to be a liar that she had obviously forgotten everything I had said. She called me a bitch, told me I was a bully and that she was going to report me and that it was me that was forgetful. I told her she was lucky I removed all her bank details, card number, pin number, security code, dates, etc. from piece of paper left openly on the table. She said she was never out so it was never a problem. I pointed out that it was when she was out with her hairdresser friend (another worry - someone who has befriended her and now does her hair, her cleaning, her garden, started taking her to the shops, etc. - I have no idea what cash is changing hands as she lies about money). She wants me to get more cash out of the bank because she hasn't got any! However, she has £3,500 sitting in a money tin on her dressing table! So she doesn't lie!! My son said I should take the money and pay it back into the bank. I have Lasting Power of Attorney but feel like relinquishing that and letting the courts handle her. The parting shot as I went out of the door was her calling me a cow and she knew exactly where she stood now! What the hell do I do now? I am working all hours to pay my bills and she expects me to drop everything for her. I am obviously heavily discussed with this "hairdresser" and not a very nice person. I have Graves Disease and the one main thing is I should stay away from stress. Help!

 

[Margi29]

I have just read your post and feel so sorry for you, absolutely awful situation.

As soon as possible please move the money, over last couple of years my mum also ' made up ' stories galore.
The word is confabulations. Just another part of this cruel disease I'm afraid.

Mum wasn't really accusing me, it was everyone else!!!
I actually believed some of her tales !!

From grandchildren, to sister and also brother ( although I have proof he has ' helped himself on many occasions, taking advantage of my mum )

Mum used to have me get hundreds of pounds out of bank, saying she needed it for abc...
Then shortly after asking again, couldn't find the money, she goes nowhere without a family member.

I have control of mums bank book, keeping records of everything I spend.
Mum has now stopped asking for more money.

The ' hairdresser ' needs a sharp word
I discovered that mum was giving money to cleaning ladies that clean corridors of complex, paper delivery man, medication delivery man etc...
The thing was, mum thought £10 note was a £1 ( even my dear brothers son took £30 for sweets for his son )
Mum said I gave the little boy £3 for sweets ( that's another story, karma I hope will come back)

Please move the money, I leave mum now £20 in £5 notes in her purse. Sometimes I feel awful, its mums money, not mine, but it's necessary or people will take advantage.

Ignore the threat to report you, your doing nothing wrong, just trying the best you can. My mum says everyone else is ' crazy ' not her.

Take care

 

[pingpong]

I just want to run as far away as possible. Son that lives at home with me is 35 today (as is his twin!) and suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder so have to tread on eggshells as saying slightly the wrong thing or not saying something, etc. sets him off. He took an overdose in May, so I know he is capable of doing what he plans. I just cannot deal with the venom that has come out of my mother today.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Hi @pingpong

I’m afraid “lies” & obsession over money are common. Being the “bad” person is also common. It’s not personal, although it sure feels like it

First, there is no arguing with dementia. They are right in their version of the world, so you must be wrong. That is your mums logically view of her world. Hard though it is, try really hard not to argue.

When she says you never told her something, don’t say, “you’ve forgotten”, it’s a bit of a red rag to a bull. She knows she hasn’t forgotten Try finding something that doesn’t annoy her (yes I know, it’s hard to not bite), but things like ... I was telling you about son visiting last week & mentioned his gf being away, it must have gotten lost in the story”. She gets to save face at having forgotten & you don't get the argument

I found that if I pointed out that someone was causing a problem (like your mums hairdresser friend), it made it worse. A bit like telling a teenager their new best friend is a bad influence... they just see more of them. Try to keep an eye on the friendship, but try even harder not to comment.

If you see things like bank details, cash etc in plain sight, just move them & don’t make them into an issue. Just say things like “ I’ll pop these in your bag, where you can find them”.

Take the cash & bank it. Blame the insurance company. Say they won’t pay out if anything happens if there is more than £200 in the house. Tell her you are doing what the bank, insurance, whoever say you have to do, to protect her. It’s amazing how a PWD will accept an authority figure they’ve never met over a family member

You’d be surprised at the number of people caring, who didn’t / don’t have the best relationship with their caree. Sad but true. I wouId go to the seafront & scream at the sea, or phone my brother & rant at him (I prewarned him I might do that ... I’d phone ... he’d answer ... I’d say “I need to rant” .. then I’d blah blah blah about everything that had wound me up, then hang up .. it worked for me )

Keep posting for ideas, support & just to get it out if your system. I found just putting it down helped so much.

 

[pingpong]

Thank you so much. I have no one to share and discuss with as they all have their own problems. Thank you for listening to my rant

 

[Margi29]

I just want to run as far away as possible. Son that lives at home with me is 35 today (as is his twin!) and suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder so have to tread on eggshells as saying slightly the wrong thing or not saying something, etc. sets him off. He took an overdose in May, so I know he is capable of doing what he plans. I just cannot deal with the venom that has come out of my mother today.

How awful for you, you have more than enough stress in your life at the moment than having your mums accusations, do you have other siblings that could take over for a while ??
I too have stressful job, grandson who has special needs ( my daughter is a fabulous mother, I'm not sure I could be as strong as her if I was in her situation)

You obviously are a good caring parent, who is there for your son. In life we can only stretch so far.

 

[pingpong]

Sadly my brother, 62, has semantic dementia and was sectioned back in July and will never come out of care. So there's me and there's me

 

[marionq]

On Friday I saw the manager of John's daycentre who is a lovely woman help various clients to get their coats from the rack. A new, beautifully groomed and dressed lady raked the manager's arm with her nails because she wasnt given her coat first. I was shocked. It was the first vicious thing I've seen there. The lady who did it would no doubt have been shocked herself before she developed dementia.

The behaviour is part of the illness. It is not you. The mean words are not you. Try not to dwell on it. Good wishes.

 

[pingpong]

Thank you Marion

 

[KathrynAnne]

I’ve just had a visit from my daughter and 10 month old granddaughter. My Mum was pleased to see them and although she wasn’t aware it was her great granddaughter she obviously took a lot of pleasure from watching her. Everything was going fine. My granddaughter was playing with toys on the floor next to my Mum when suddenly Mum kicked out at the baby. Fortunately she missed and we quickly moved baby away. Goodness knows what my Mum thought was happening but it was so upsetting at how her mood and behaviour could suddenly change. I felt like shouting and screaming at my Mum for what she’d done but there’s just no point. It would have just made a bad situation even worse. You can’t reason, explain or argue. All you can do is stay calm, take the blame and keep smiling. It is very difficult and goes against all your natural instincts but in the end you realise it’s the only way.

 

[pingpong]

Thank you for all your lovely comments above. However, today things took a turn for the worse. She went out with her hairdresser friend and I was able to nip in and check her money. Well £2,500 is missing and there is only £1,000 in the tin. Hidden from me or taken - who knows (because, of course, I don't know it's there). Also, because I can check her bank statements having POA, she withdrew £250 from the cash machine, and paid for £81 shopping on her card. I also checked her diary. She has written that she is ashamed to have Jane for a daughter. Jane attacked me - she is not normal. I am frightened Jane is trying to take over my bank. I am frightened Jane wants me to go into a home. She has also noted that should I attack her again I am to ring her friend immediately!!!! So, I contacted the solicitor who told me I had to contact her GP to get her diagnosed before they could go forward. Contacted the GP surgery and manager came back to me to say due to the fact that my mother has not signed a consent form for me to be noted as her carer then they cannot talk to me. They cannot place the letter on her file but, hey, they can put it on mind. So I said, right if I have a heart attack or stroke then you will know what's caused it. I cannot rescind my POA until there is a diagnosis because the Court of Protection cannot be put into place without this. There will never be a diagnosis because there is nothing wrong with my mother it is me! So I daren't go round there again because she can claim I've done whatever she likes. I cannot risk having a policeman arrive at my door to accuse me of whatever. Thanks politically correct world!

 

[Oh Knickers]

It tends to be a good idea to talk to a GP rather than a nonmedical member of staff. Particularly a nonmedical member of staff who knows nothing.

 

[Margi29]

I would contact the police myself, state the facts and your worries. Pre diagnosis the untruths are shocking!!
My mum and dad were ripped off by a supposedly reputable energy company ( new boiler 2011 ) £3,500.00

Mum wouldn't listen ( this was pre dementia) dad just sat there and said nothing ( he was diagnosed that year with dementia)

I had to make arrangements, tell lies to mum ( health check, when your 82 the doctors do special checks on you
.......) if mum hadn't gone to doctors with me, then I would have asked for visit to house ( mme test )

Thankfully I had both parents consent to talk with their doctors.

After dad died, moved my mum near us, and again our doctor is very good.

Terrible predicament for you to be in. Seriously where has your mum put the money ??? Search everywhere

I know my mum wouldn't spend that amount on shopping, I would want to see receipt. My mum generally spends about £30 per week.

So sorry for you

 

[pingpong]

It tends to be a good idea to talk to a GP rather than a nonmedical member of staff. Particularly a nonmedical member of staff who knows nothing.

Unfortunately once she quoted data protection act, she was saying exactly what the solicitor said. they cannot talk to me! So stuffed. I cannot put myself in the firing line because of what she is capable of saying. I have too many other responsibilities. The son that lives with me was suggested by the surgery as the go between - well why would I do that to him, he tried to commit suicide in May!!!! It's the lack of consent, which would never and will never be forthcoming from her!

 

[Sam Luvit]

Data protection You can get round it.

You ask for an appointment with her GP. You say “I know you can’t discuss anything with me, I’m not asking you to. All I’m asking is for you to listen & act in her best interests”. You then tell her GP your concerns. You ask her GP to call her in for a well woman check & for the GP to attempt diagnosis

Type up a letter, listing all your observations. State that you feel she is a “vulnerable adult” who is being taken advantage of by the hairdresser. List as many instances of her behaviour as you can think of .. aggression, paranoia, excessive spending. Memory lapses. Mixing reality with fiction. Everything.

Unfortunately walking away will not stop her making accusations & you need to get ahead of them to protect yourself

 

[pingpong]

I have been prompted by someone at work about the POA. Not only do I have Enduring Power of Attorney for Finances but I also have Lasting Power of Attorney for Health and Welfare registered with the Office of the Public Guardian back in 2010 naming me as Attorney. So I do, in fact, have the necessary permission to speak to the GP and make decisions on her behalf. Thank you all for your great advice.

 

[Sam Luvit]

Please remember to use the key phrases:

Vulnerable adult - your PWD
Duty of Care - that lies with them, not you.

I am one if many, who typed up a letter, listing everything & handed it over to the GP at visits. The GP has to add it to the notes & it’s an audit trail of what you have done & tried to do

 

[TheBearsMummy]

Might be worth looking on police website for name and contact number of your local community officer. They are usually very helpful and may agree to pop round and do a home security check (which they will be doing for all ladies of her age/area ... ) etc. I'm sure he/she will understand your concerns and will certainly advise against money being kept on the premises. They may even have prior knowledge of the hairdresser!
I know all areas are different but our community bobby is good at this, a lot of the problems with neighbours popping to borrow something stopped when she was seen visiting as she was just passing by

 

[pingpong]

Might be worth looking on police website for name and contact number of your local community officer. They are usually very helpful and may agree to pop round and do a home security check (which they will be doing for all ladies of her age/area ... ) etc. I'm sure he/she will understand your concerns and will certainly advise against money being kept on the premises. They may even have prior knowledge of the hairdresser!
I know all areas are different but our community bobby is good at this, a lot of the problems with neighbours popping to borrow something stopped when she was seen visiting as she was just passing by

Excellent idea, thank you very much. We have a good local network.

 

[karaokePete]

With regard to the missing money, check the fridge and freezer. I know of two cases local to me where stolen cash (£250 and £2000) was found in freezers. The police found the £2k