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Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by pingpong, Oct 7, 2018.
Excellent idea, thank you very much. We have a good local network.
With regard to the missing money, check the fridge and freezer. I know of two cases local to me where stolen cash (£250 and £2000) was found in freezers. The police found the £2k
Mums bank books ( allegedly stolen) found in tea bag container in top of cupboard. Not before I went to bank and cancelled all
Today, finally, got to see GP with my mother. GP basically shot me down in flames as my mother was spouting and I was sitting behind shaking my head because it was all lies and not what was happening. GP asked why I was shaking my head and it went on from there. It has ended that perhaps I should distance myself from her for a while and GP is going to get in Adult Social Services to assess her needs and how they can help her. GP wants to see her again in two to three weeks and also said she is quite happy to see me if I wanted. I said no thank you my mother is the one causing me angst. Mother turns round and said yes you've got lots of problems and need to see her!!! We came out of the doctors and she said Hewie will miss you - well Hewie was the dog before this one! She also said you will find me dead one day - sorry but with a bit of luck she is 86 you know - yes I know every single bloody day of her being 86! So I attempted to get a Capacity Assessment and it has been stonewalled all the way along for the last two years. I give up. My advice to anybody seeking to get Capacity Assessment for the Health and Welfare POA to be envoked - don't bother. Disappointed, yes, sick to the stomach, yes. I should just add that the GP said it was her position to listen to her patient and it was up to her patient whether she wanted to give permission for anything currently.
You have my total sympathy. Why do we bother with the thankless task of looking after someone with dementia? Must need our heads read.
I'm having the same problem. Mum has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and we as a large family also think dad may be in early stages. One family member is hiding them away along with her diagnosis. The lasting power of attorney rang the dementia clinic to raise concerns, get a full diagnosis and capacity test and was told there was an alert on the hospital notes and they rang mum to tell her!!!!! The Office Of The Public Guardian are now involved. It's a nightmare.
Well, that was a chocolate teapot of a GP!. It doesnt sound like knows much about dementia. At least he wants to see your mum again - if she gets there!
@pingpong, what a useless GP. My mothers GP obviously thought we were worrying about nothing when we first raised our concerns with him, but he did listen to what we had to say. Since then I email him before hand with my concerns which he then uses as a basis to talk to my mum. However like yours, my mother doesn't think there is anything wrong with her, but after a scene in the surgery the GP sent the psychiatrist from the memory clinic to go and talk to mum and he has diagnosed probably vascular dementia. I'm taking mum to the GP in a week or two to see where we go from here.
Like yours my mother is also convinced I'm the one with problems. She once phoned her GPs surgery to complain about me and to point out I wasn't a qualified doctor as she thought I'd arranged a memory clinic appointment (which she refused to go to) rather than the doctor.
I think step back as far as you can. It may well mean that a crisis occurs but that may be the only way your mum gets the help she needs
Jeez @pingpong what a drama you had, It sounds like a movie script. I cannot believe that you had to wait from October until now to address this issue with your mum's GP.
You know, it sounds like you've done all you can. You got EPAs in place - regardless how well they work or not - as this is one example where you've tried to use it and it was exhaustive. Please don't feel the GP's behaviour is the typical response.
That said I agree with the GP and Sarasa's advice above. The most you can do now is to do everything relating to your Mum in writing. Put your experience in writing and send to those who need to know since you've been advised to step back, i.e. GP, local authority adult care, local police, etc - just to cover your own back and to inform those who may be stepping into your 'previous' role what they may expect.
Also, now you've got a little more time to put you and your children first. I have reiterate that point made by others on this thread about your mum's accusations of you, I got it too from my dad. Its the dementia that doing this to you/me, please try to remember this and perhaps just don't try to argue it out as it will likely lead to more stress for you both as she won't back down easily if at all. Some others on here will just walk out the room completely just to avoid it.
Thank you everybody for your kind advice.
Well today it got even better - went round to walk the dog and mother was out with the hairdresser shopping! Took a quick look in her diary - Friday's entry - Doctor thinks Jane needs help - good judge. Rang Pam (hairdresser) about Jane - she is horrified. Jane going to sever all contact, not even walk Spike. Don't know what going to happen to POA. It was the doctor's suggestion that we distanced ourselves for a while but mother obviously doesn't recall that bit.
So, because I have Financial POA, I checked her bank statement because she had an online food shop delivered four days ago of £84. Well she has just spent £70 at Morrisons - not bad for one person. Also, she paid a visit to Timpsons and paid out £9.99 - which would appear to be for keycutting! So now the hairdresser/cleaner/gardener/shopping companion/confidante who thinks I am the stuff you walk in has a front door key!!! Great. You couldn't make it up.
It sounds like a nightmare for you. Is there no one out there with any common sense. I don’t know what to say to help you other than write it all down and send to her GP. Can you see a different GP in the practice maybe they might offer more help.
Sadly having seen the head honcho and the sidekick this is where I am at. Have just spoken with my son whose response was "are they blinkered". Sums it up really. Seems like political correctness supposedly acts in my mother's favour but some point, probably soon, her walls are going to come tumbling down and all these so-called friends of hers will be nowhere to be seen and without the help she obviously needs she will probably end up in a home but I will be nowhere to be seen.
I have tried the walking out bit but at the doctors she said that I just breeze in and breeze out and slam the door.
The hairdresser/carer/friend might be in for a nasty surprise.
With you (temporarily) out of the picture your mum will not be able to blame you for things that go wrong and so she is likely to turn on this friend.
Before we realised that mum has Alzheimers she accused her cleaner of moving things around, hiding things from her and stealing from her, so the cleaner was sacked and mums friend stepped up to help her. This was an old trusted friend, so I was shocked when, suddenly mum phoned up and ranted on about how this friend was stealing from her and behaving dreadfully towards her. The friend said that she couldnt continue going round if it upset mum, which I agreed with. So then it was my turn. Mum told all the neighbours that I was stealing from her and hitting her and they all gave me odd looks because mum was so convincing. Within a few months, however mum had written several nasty letters to the neighbours and posted them through their letter box, she was getting into arguments with them over the bins, the woman across the road had contacted the police because she said mum was harrassing her, mum was going out at night, very inadequately dressed and banging on the neighbours doors at silly o'clock in the morning and by this time everyone knew there was a problem!
Yes indeed, mum has already said that the hairdresser gets on her wick wanting to do stuff that she doesn't want touching! It's the same with everybody. Her old neighbour phones up to fill her in with the gossip and she just says what a waste of time and doesn't know why she phoned. Ungrateful doesn't come into it. She hates her new neighbours and has already put a note on the chap's windscreen to say not to park outside her window! How to win friends and influence people
It does sound like it won’t be long before she has fallen out with the hair dresser and she will be asking you for help then.
we have enough worry and problems looking after our family members without fighting the doctors, nurses and social services.