imsoblue

[carolynp]

We

Yesterday I sent his neurologist an email. There were some parts of the office visit I wanted cleared up and recorded for his chart. I felt like a tattle tale. It took about a week and a half to get the courage to send the email. I began saying I was intimidated with That One (OH's daughter in the room.) The doctor entered the room questioning/remarking that "you (me) called him last week and asked about the ability to sign a paper?" Nope wasn't me. So I let him know that the daughter that sits in the room with us is unhappy with me. She says I'm negative (I'm call it reality) and don't do what he needs to get better. I also said when he asked OH if he was delusional and OH said nope, I wrote some stories that may be known as a delusion. First, he is planning a charity golf tournament at a local course. Wounded Warriors will be the cause. He is inviting the winner of the Masters, Patrick Reed, and another great golfer from Louisiana, David Toms. OH has never, ever, ever done something like this. I just sit quietly and listen and grieve silently at this scenario. He has also contacted patent attorneys to meet with him to discuss an idea for a product he had 30 years ago. Other officials have been contacted as he offers his services for their projects.
Yesterday he texted me SSN#? I called him. Why do you need my social security number? He said he didn't, he needed his. (One of the first things I can actually say he forgot. Forgetting his not his problem.) Why do you need your SSN#? He's shopping for a new home mortgage. He lives in a CH and wants me to move out of our home. I tried to firmly (and don't talk down to him say the sweet sisters) tell him, Do not give your SSN# to anyone. He argued (yep, always an argument) he called them so it was legit. I asked, Where did you get their number? They sent him an EMAIL!!! This is the dementia I deal with.
I wrote all this for the doctor. I added that I also told OH I was glad he didn't think I was having an affair. He had answered no when the doctor asked. Well, OH didn't even remember that question was asked. I countered to the doctor though. OH wants to see the photos in my phone, accuses of me of being gone 4 hours when I was gone 2, and the sitter told me he tried to climb on our counter to get a card from a bouquet of flowers that were delivered to me. The sitter said, the driver said they're from her son (and they were.)
I guess I wrote because I didn't feel the doctor got the whole picture. He may think I'm a looney tune but it was something that had been weighing on me since we left.
Thank you for being there for me TP.

Well done to have written, to the neurologist and to us. This situation is so entangled. It seems almost impossible to discern a way through. The forces are really massed against you, with your OH still exercising agency and his family refusing to accept his condition and ranging themselves forcefully in opposition to you.

Somehow you have to deal with your turmoil of emotions - and at the same time protect yourself legally and financially. I’m wondering what your sons are counselling you to do right now?

 

[Amethyst59]

I’m reading this, and thinking we are under the same sort of strain at the moment; for different reasons, I know. My dil, and my youngest son (Not her husband, my eldest son...he doesn’t say anything. I think he keeps his head down and hopes it will all go away), have both, well sort of told me to divorce Martin. Dil, actually has said it, youngest son talked about leaving Martin. I don’t know why you are hanging on so hard...but I know why I am, and I think some of our reasons may be the same. When we make promises, we keep them, no matter what. We don’t know how much dementia is affecting our husbands, and even if there is an element of their own choice in things they do, just because they have behaved badly, doesn’t mean it is right for us to as well. I even feel bad and disloyal just writing that down. Martin has got to a stage where I’m pretty sure that most of his actions (inappropriate behaviour and selfishness) are caused by dementia. There is an element of his own personality, but I knew about it before I married him, and still made those promises. Is this how it is for you? Is it why you are hanging on, when everything is against you?

 

[canary]

Well done for writing the letter to the neurologist. I always write letters to OHs doctors because I know that he is not able to tell them the truth of his problems.
Is his neurologist able to decide whether your OH has capacity or not? If he thinks that your OH does not have capacity to make decisions like POA and other legal matters would he be willing to write a letter stating this, so that you have back up?

 

[imsoblue]

I’m reading this, and thinking we are under the same sort of strain at the moment; for different reasons, I know. My dil, and my youngest son (Not her husband, my eldest son...he doesn’t say anything. I think he keeps his head down and hopes it will all go away), have both, well sort of told me to divorce Martin. Dil, actually has said it, youngest son talked about leaving Martin. I don’t know why you are hanging on so hard...but I know why I am, and I think some of our reasons may be the same. When we make promises, we keep them, no matter what. We don’t know how much dementia is affecting our husbands, and even if there is an element of their own choice in things they do, just because they have behaved badly, doesn’t mean it is right for us to as well. I even feel bad and disloyal just writing that down. Martin has got to a stage where I’m pretty sure that most of his actions (inappropriate behaviour and selfishness) are caused by dementia. There is an element of his own personality, but I knew about it before I married him, and still made those promises. Is this how it is for you? Is it why you are hanging on, when everything is against you?

@Amethyst59 my heart goes out to you at this time of transition. As I wrote on your thread, I took some time off (I got that idea from YOU, then all heck broke lose with Martin.) I visited OH Thursday evening and didn’t go back until Monday. My two oldest boys and their families spent lots of time at my house, at the pool, shopping, and dinners cooked at home and out. We even discussed going for a visit to the CH but it never made it into the schedule. The house wasn’t emptied long, before 2 of my BFFs came over Sunday evening for dinner, drinks, and lots and lots of talking. I’ve been reading TP, but didn’t have the energy to respond. Your questions and responses run through my mind way too much. Why am I still here? It is that promise. He is my husband. This is my lot in life right now...me and 54,707 other TP members. And, how does one divorce someone who is mentally and physically challenged through no fault of his own? (Maybe that’s why my support group facilitator said “this is a gift, take it” when OH threatened/threatens/may be divorcing me!!!???”
My OH was not the loving, generous, put-me-on-a-silver platter husband some were on TP. It was always his way. That never mattered to me. I was always flexible and compliant. Now though, I have to make decisions that neither of us like. Making these decisions against him though brings out, shall I say hatred, from him towards me. I wonder if that’s why I never crossed him sooner? Nah, I really didn’t mind what we did or where we went.

 

[Amethyst59]

Hello, sweetie. What a responsibility I have here! When I was lecturing, I had one particularly lovely group of women and we met once a week for two and a half years. You really get to know each other. We used to chat at lunchtimes and I was talking about the end of my first marriage. I said, you can put up with him losing his sense of humour, with sex being off the menu, with tempers and arguments, but once you lose respect for someone, it’s over. And a few weeks later a student said, I’ve really thought about what you said. And you’re right, and I’ve left him.
Oh my life! I felt responsible, but I saw it happen more than once. I’d have women starting a course with me, so lacking in confidence, afraid to speak out in front of others, and by the end of the course they felt more confident and empowered and knew they had choices. And some chose not to stay in their marriages. And I was only teaching Childcare and Education!
So, we listen to each other here, and we do influence each other. I have had such enormous help and support and I’m very grateful. I’m so glad you had your long weekend with the family.
I’m sorry I’m rambling and not really saying much at all. I’ve had a very large glass of wine, as I have a night carer in again. They have been amazing.

 

[Rolypoly]

Just been catching up with all your posts and, although I can’t add any words of wisdom, I am thinking of you.

 

[imsoblue]

@carolynp and @canary the weekend with my family was l suspect what life without OH will be. We enjoyed the time not discussing legal matters, selling the house and me moving somewhere else, etc. I did learn that The Other One (invisible) has stopped contacting Son #1 after his last offer to explain to her (and her husband—-no one is to talk to them without a witness) what we learned about the future financial outlook. Apparently she’s back to being invisible.
But, as far as the neurologist is concerned...today is the first time I’ve considered switching.
Today was the family meeting with the CH staff. It was in essence the CH asking OH and us (you know That One had to be there), what more they can do to help him. It was not “You don’t belong here.” (Yet). Of course OH insisted on coming to the meeting. As he was explaining to the group why he speaks slow and softly he said, “ It (my speech) is not dementia. It is Parkinson’s. According to the doctor, I don’t have dementia." If you remember, I reported on the doctor's visit and the way he phrased his comments, That One (LaLaLand girl) and a demented patient would think that he was fine and dandy. I did stay after OH and That One left and briefly said, "He does have dementia." They all knew. I cannot get his family to understand (whoops, me too sometimes) that anything he says may be dementia talking. Especially "I don't have dementia."
We also had to go to an orthopedic doctor due to a swollen elbow. As he chatted with her, he mentioned back surgery. She said she was only treating his elbow. I said, he thinks the back surgery will help him walk. She looked at me shocked! Hasn't his doctor told him what to expect. Nope. He sort of silver lines everything.
I called OH about 3 this afternoon and asked what he and That One did for lunch. She usually takes him out. He said they went to McDonald's, then remembered, nope, that was yesterday with you. Yep. He could not even remember if he ate lunch!

 

[imsoblue]

Just been catching up with all your posts and, although I can’t add any words of wisdom, I am thinking of you.

Than you @Rolypoly.

 

[imsoblue]

Tonight is Thursday and I'm off on Friday! Another set of two girlfriends is coming to spend the night. My house is clean, yard is mowed and I've got hummus, corn dip, cheese tray, shrimp and corn soup, ham sliders, coconut cupcakes to die for and an array of alcohol. We are going to watch "The Trouble With Angels" an old movie I saw as a girl with my idol Haley Mills. I had to buy it on ebay! We are watching it because I always say with these girls "I have a scathingly, brilliant idea!" I don't have those ideas anymore. I'm just trying to survive!
I want all of y'all to come spend the night here. Or a week! We will dine and drink and laugh and cry. Oh wait, I do still have scathingly, brilliant ideas!!!!! Start packing! @carolyn, it's not winter here either.

 

[canary]

Im glad you have had a good break with family and friends - and also that your house is clean. Im always cheered when my house is clean and tidy. I hope you fun evening with the girlfriends.
I would love to come and stay with you, but I can at least imagine.

 

[margherita]

Now though, I have to make decisions that neither of us like.

Hi @imsoblue ,
an old friend of mine used to say we can also decide not to decide.
Some time ago you wrote in a post (at the end of May) that a divorce might have heavy financial consequences. Do you have a reasonably clear picture of what might happen if you divorced your husband?
I know I sound blunt and heartless, also because I am writing in a language which is not mine, but economic matters ..matter.
I can't say much about the emotional side of your situation. It is so difficult to get to know about what links a married couple.
I can speak only about myself.
In my personal relationship with my husband I try to be honest the few times I am allowed to make a decision. Honesty and correctness are what I can give him. Love would be too much.

Any plans for the weekend?

 

[Amethyst59]

Im glad you have had a good break with family and friends - and also that your house is clean. Im always cheered when my house is clean and tidy. I hope you fun evening with the girlfriends.
I would love to come and stay with you, but I can at least imagine.

Didn’t we have a virtual party a while back?

 

[canary]

Didn’t we have a virtual party a while back?

Im always up for another

 

[Rolypoly]

What time?

 

[imsoblue]

I never ordered a robe. Remember those gorgeous robes!!!??? But I can wear a white one!
@margherita I do not have a totally clear picture of what divorce would bring financially. We are pretty equal financially so what I get from him, he gets from me. And in the event of his death, who knows? He could have removed me from his will and I won't know until he dies.
My friends and I talked at length last night and today about why I stay. The answer always ends of being "because it's the right thing to do." I wish I could come spend an evening with you so you wouldn't be so isolated.
The man I visit is not my husband. But he is becoming much more physically handicapped. I am not there longer than 3 hours and that is difficult. He is almost helpless. Today was the first time after 1 month in the home that he went to breakfast and also the exercise class and even bingo. Perhaps he's becoming acclimated to his new life.
The weekend will be quiet. No plans. I hope to enjoy the total isolation and not having a PWD around. I am always exhausted, as I know we all are.
Hang in there y'all. I'd love to try that bourbon y'all talk about!

 

[margherita]

My friends and I talked at length last night and today about why I stay. The answer always ends of being "because it's the right thing to do." I wish I could come spend an evening with you so you wouldn't be so isolated.

You have made a generous decision, which I hope may be rewarded by the gratitude and affection you deserve.
I wish you a peaceful and relaxing weekend.
I'd love to spend an evening with you and your friends !

 

[Amethyst59]

It does sound fun there! I was going to order one of those robes too...I forgot about that. I can’t even remember the name of the company. They were beautiful, weren’t they?

 

[canary]

It sounds like your OH is settling there - it often takes a couple of months or so, so this is good news.
Have a relaxing weekend
xxx

 

[imsoblue]

I had friends over until Friday, took the grandgirls to see OH that afternoon and settled in for an alone and quiet weekend. Until Sunday afternoon when I couldn't reach OH on his mobile. Figured I'd go up there about 5 and check on things. The CH called before that saying his phone was dead and he needed some help getting it charged. I went up there and got things straight. As usual, talk among us went to selling our home. I do not want to move. I tell him that repeatedly. One excuse I made to him was that it was difficult enough for the 2 of us to move 2 1/2 years ago, it would be way difficult for me to do it again and this time by myself. Apparently he heard that reason and has decided he will move home and help me move!!!!! He will supervise the packing and loading and have a new fence built. That was weird.
So I say, I can't buy a house now. I can't get a mortgage. I don't have the income since I'll be doing it alone. Oh no, he'll be on the next house (so why are we selling?). And his income won't help now that's he's retired. He says he'll move home and move with me to the neighborhood Son #1 lives in. After leaving he texts me with "Think about my offer." And he's going to call Sons #1 and #2 to discuss this with them. I called my friend and she made sure I wouldn't even consider having him come back home. I said no way, but....now I'm going to get guilty. And he's even manipulating me to feel guilty. There's always something.
Back to selling the house, his reason is that he wants the profit out of it to put in the stock market!!!!???? I am so tired of this argument. I even told him how sad I was that my husband didn't feel the necessity to make sure their wife was living in a safe and secure neighborhood, without the turmoil of shopping for a new house, packing, moving, and leaving my home that we built!!! (And I'm a real estate agent in addition to my full time job!) He says he'll make sure I'm still safe and secure.

 

[margherita]

He says he'll make sure I'm still safe and secure.

Do you think he is reliable?