Care Home advice

[conerned]

Hi, My Mum has got offered a place in a care home this week, its happened quite suddenly, so still getting used to the idea. She can move in as soon as Monday next week, providing her assessment goes well tomorrow. My problem is that my sister wants her to go for respite while we are both away from Saturday 26th May. Me for a week, and my sister for a month. My sister wants her to go in while I'm away (for resoite) and then return home, before moving in permanently. I don't think its a good idea for 2 reasons. 1. I think in Mums state of mind this will be highly confusing going there then coming back.
2. I dont think with my sister away, meeting her current needs will be nigh impossible for me alone. To be honest I am now getting very anxious about that possibility, should my sister insist on this. And I know it will affect my mental health. How can prevent this? Do you think the Care home/social worker would echo my concerns?

 

[margherita]

I do not think that a respite, followed by a period at home and then a care home are good for your mum.
Too many changes for a PWD.
You might ask your mum's doctor or the social worker who is following her to explain to your sister that what she wants is by far less important than what your mum needs and is better for her.

 

[Toony Oony]

Hi - I agree that for your Mum to have a period of respite, return home and then go back again would be much too confusing for her.

(Just to put it in perspective, last summer I arranged 2 weeks respite for my Mum that would automatically run into full time residential if things went well (they did). By the 3rd day of respite my Mum seemed to have no recollection of where she had moved from, or anything about it and has never mentioned her old home at all).

Your Mum will take time to adjust to the Care Home and settle in, whatever the situation. To achieve that, only to then return home for a short while, and then have to readjust all over again is asking far too much.

This must be a lot for you to deal with suddenly, and just before you are due to go on holiday. But IMHO your Mum is the important one here and getting her settled and content as soon as possible, should be your sister's priority.

 

[Hazara8]

Hi, My Mum has got offered a place in a care home this week, its happened quite suddenly, so still getting used to the idea. She can move in as soon as Monday next week, providing her assessment goes well tomorrow. My problem is that my sister wants her to go for respite while we are both away from Saturday 26th May. Me for a week, and my sister for a month. My sister wants her to go in while I'm away (for resoite) and then return home, before moving in permanently. I don't think its a good idea for 2 reasons. 1. I think in Mums state of mind this will be highly confusing going there then coming back.
2. I dont think with my sister away, meeting her current needs will be nigh impossible for me alone. To be honest I am now getting very anxious about that possibility, should my sister insist on this. And I know it will affect my mental health. How can prevent this? Do you think the Care home/social worker would echo my concerns?

If the assessment goes well and you are happy with the Care Home for all the right reasons, then it would not be wise to 'chop and change' in respect of respite and returning home. One can never be entirely sure about outcome, but if the transition is without event (i.e. Care Home) that is always a very big plus. What you do not want is for your mother to return home and then, perhaps, be reluctant to leave again. That can be detrimental for her and add even more angst to your own position as carer with possible very unsettling outcome. "Best interests" can sound so pat as it is a phrase used over and over again, but it has foundation for all the right reasons.
One has to set aside personal attachment and think wholly of the one being cared for. After all, they are the one living with dementia, not us.

 

[Shedrech]

hello @conerned
welcome to TP
just popped in to say I hope the assessment today goes well and that you have/had a chance to raise this question with the manager of the care home - they, no doubt, will agree with all of us that it's in your mum's best interests to make a permanent move immediately
seems to me that, as your sister will be away fro a month and you only for a week, you will be there to make the 'executive' decision, especially as you fear you won't be able to provide the level of care your mum will need on your own, so it's by far the best option for your mum to stay in the home once she has made the initial move