At the end of my tether...

[Bunpoots]

A lot has happened with dad in the last 3 months. I suppose his brain has finally reached the point where there is nowhere for it to redirect to and he is so confused. The poor man, I should be sympathetic but I feel angry. I don't show him I'm annoyed, just put my game face on and carry on as normal.

"Normal" is now dad is incontinent but doesn't believe it. I admit I've had a wry smile at some of his excuses as to why he's wet!! He doesn't know day from night, which wouldn't bother me too much if it wasn't for the little walk he took at 2am the week before last. I dread going to see him. Yesterday I went at 2pm to see if he wanted to come for tea and he was making his breakfast. Tea, boiled eggs and toast with butter and jam. So he can obviously still feed himself.

I changed his wet bed, put his smelly pants and trousers (that he hasn't weed on) in the washer and I'll be going back shortly to do it again...

He doesn't shave anymore and because he's "not incontinent" he re-wears his clothes after he's dried them if I don't get them into the wash first. He can't smell. I can!!!!

I've given up drinking alcohol for a year because the stress of looking after dad was leading me to use it as a crutch, and I've put on 3 stone while I've been caring for him and my right knee is giving me gip again, an ongoing problem but not helped by the weight increase.

And just to add insult to injury both my daughters have fallen out so the atmosphere at home is grim.

Roll on Monday morning when they're at work and I get my day off!!!

 

[canary]

Oh Bunpoots Im so sorry.
I remember some of your earlier posts - you are having a rough ride there
(((((hugs))))))

 

[Shedrech]

hi Bunpoots
what's that silly saying .... life is like a box of chocolates ..... yeh! ..... but seems to me the kick back is, it often seems like it's the box of chocolates that you find hidden away, expectantly sit down with and open to find ... someone ate all the chocolates but thoughtfully left the crumbs and wrappers and the half-eaten ones they didn't like

no idea what relevance that has - but it came into mind ..... sorry, not helpful

with dad I got into the habit of going along with him that he hadn't wet his trousers BUT oh, dear, he must have inadvertently spilt a drink, splashed when washing his hands (as if), sprayed when he was washing up ... any excuse to acknowledge the wet and get to say, let's change into something dry to get comfortable again, and may as well have a wash while we're at it (though that was pushing it a bit) - dad seemed more willing to go along with that, though was still capable of saying 'it's only a drop' when he was wet through

 

[Rolypoly]

I hate incontinence, it causes so much strife .

 

[Bunpoots]

Thanks for your replies. It's brought tears to my eyes!!!

I know you're all having a hard time especially canary. I understand the need to withdraw into yourself @canary - I do the same. I hate to whinge but that's all I seem to do at the moment.

I could do with a nice box of chocolates instead of the crumbs @Shedrech !!
(Except I need to lose weight!!). I don't argue with dad, just go along with his version of things but he always thinks it's only a little water and it'll soon dry. The smell gets me down.

Yes @Rolypoly I hate incontinence too! I gave up childminding a few months ago so no more wet patches on the sofa I thought ....
I've bought a kylie for said sofa now.

I have to get dad to the GP at 11am on Tuesday. What's the betting he thinks it's the middle of the night?!

Off to fetch dad now. Hope daughters don't decide to kill each other as the chickens are chasing the rabbits... again

It's a madhouse!!!

 

[canary]

I hate to whinge but that's all I seem to do at the moment.

Yes, me too

We can have a whinge together

(Im told its not whinging anyway.....)

 

[jugglingmum]

I'm sorry everything has got you down.

I'm really struggling with paperwork here and it is causing major issues, I know I can do it at work, but not at home

Don't know how old your children are, but I have booked half term off to stop mine fighting, which means I'll end up caught in the middle, hate taking time off with kids at the moment. Whilst not dementia related having a whinge about dau's temper on TP has saved a few arguments and stopped me spending all my time moaning to OH, as well as whinges about mum, although I seem to have stopped on that front, maybe I need to post about being stressed about paperwork but I haven't made any progress, and even on my posts it sounds repetitive.

For me I know there is only so much I can cope with and I couldn't deal with incontinence, however as my mum is in sheltered extra care, with known and trusted carers, I am hoping that the time comes they will manage this problem far better than I would, and thus delay the move to a care home for longer.

It is only in the last year or so my son (who is now 12) has stopped having the odd nighttime accident (OH grew out of it late so we didn't worry) and the extra washing that brought was overwhelming at times (rarely consecutively)

 

[Bunpoots]

It's such a pain when kids are totally unreasonable @jugglingmum. Mine are no longer teens and really should know better! I suspect the stress of their grandad's illness is telling on them too. As a family we have lived in the shadow of dementia for most of the last 10yrs.

Is it half term next week?

I hope you get the better of that paperwork. It's the bit I hate about self-employment!! I can do it when I get started. It's the getting started...

Dad's asleep on my sofa at the moment...with a pet mat and a kylie under him. He refused to put his inco pads on so I expect he'll be complaining that the seats wet soon. Don't know how that happened...

 

[Bunpoots]

Aaaargh!!!!!!

Dad would not change his wet trousers yesterday and he'd taken the inco pad out of his pants. I've just bought him some tena mini super ( as that's what the inco clinic will supply ) and they're bigger and more absorbent than the ones he has been using. He needs bigger pads now. The old ones just don't hold enough but he's noticed them and of course he doesn't need them...
He seems to dribble constantly now and he's also a really bad aim when he uses the loo.

Fortunately I'd had the foresight to put a pet pad on top of the Kylie I always put on the sofa when he visits. I had to change it 3 times! Dau 2 was lurking upstairs as he was pretty ripe and sent me a text to say she could smell him from up there. And this is just one day's refusal...

I have an appointment for him to see the GP tomorrow. If I can't get him to wash or change I'll have to drive with all the car windows open and sit on the opposite side of the waiting room...
But at least he'll get some idea of how bad dad is

 

[Grannie G]

I`d love to send this Thread to the powers that be of all persuasions. I Daren`t comment any further because it would become political when in reality it is compassionate.

 

[Bunpoots]

I`d love to send this Thread to the powers that be of all persuasions. I Daren`t comment any further because it would become political when in reality it is compassionate.

I've seen a few threads I feel like that about Grannie G.

 

[Bunpoots]

Thanks @Carmar

Have to admit I'm not sure just how "hands on" im prepared to be with my dad. I wish my brother would step up and at least make sure he has a weekly shower but he's way too busy having a life. Im not strong enough to support my dad's weight if he stumbles. Had an incident this morning where he'd soiled his bed and pants and carpet when the home help got there but I think he might have an upset tum. I hope so anyway. I've got an appointment with the GP for him tomorrow.

Incontinence would be so simple to deal with if he didn't have dementia. I don't know how you managed for so long. I'll just carry on until I can't...
I'm getting more care organised soon. It's too much for just me now.

 

[DeMartin]

My dad’s in a care home, I don’t think I could have done intimate care to him, stupid really, I was a nurse, did it to other male patients, but dad?
Mum, no problem if I had to.
I guess it’s the way we were brought up.

 

[Slugsta]

Mum would swear she was dry, even when her Tena had been overwhelmed and she was wet through. Fortunately, she would usually acquiesce if I insisted - Yes, I do know how lucky I was!

 

[Bunpoots]

It's mind boggling how unselfaware (is that a word?) he's become!! Old dad would be mortified, even a few weeks ago..

Talking to my friend whose dad also had dementia I said I didn't think I'd ever be able to clean my dad's bum. She said she didn't either but managed when face with the situation @DeMartin . Hmmmm...

Dad used to be persuadable @Slugsta but he really dug his heels in on Sunday. I'm scared he might get aggressive. For now he's just indignant!!! Perhaps I should try being firmer with him. If he won't wear inco pads/pants I'll try not letting him get in my car. After today though, I have to take him to the GP. Car seat has inco pad duct taped onto it...

I've just bought a small Bissell carpet washer @Carmar. I thought it would come in handy for cleaning the urine smell off his bathroom carpet which he refuses to change for vinyl. It was a godsend yesterday!!! It has a hose attachment to deep clean stubborn stains and was one of the ideal world specials a couple of weeks ago. Timing couldn't have been better!!!

It's come clean

 

[canary]

Glad you were able to clean your carpet Bunpoots.
Its amazing how grateful we become for small mercies.

 

[Bunpoots]

The appointment with dad's GP went better than I expected. He took my notes and the tick list and is forwarding them to the CPN who I think is going to be doing a home visit (I didn't know they did that). That'd be better than having to take dad to the MHU as dad, for all his other problems, is quite capable of reading and understanding what it says over the door.

I've also had to take in a urine sample so they can check him for infection, I don't really think it's that and neither does GP. But he's also got to see the nurse to do bloods to check that a vitamin deficiency isn't adding to his problems, again I think it's unlikely - he eats quite well.

Dad seems brighter today so maybe his episode yesterday was due to illness. He even had his pad on.

Definitely thank goodness for small mercies

 

[Bunpoots]

Thank you. One day at a time...

 

[Scriv]

On a practical note on incontinence pads.. we found that Lille Healthcare Suprem Maxi 2920ml met the challenges of a large seriously incontinent male. We bought them from www.incontinencechoice.co.uk

 

[Bunpoots]

On a practical note on incontinence pads.. we found that Lille Healthcare Suprem Maxi 2920ml met the challenges of a large seriously incontinent male. We bought them from www.incontinencechoice.co.uk

Thanks. I'm sure he'll need something more industrial soon. Currently his tena pads would be fine... If he wore them!!!