Becoming my Mum's Carer...

[HillyBilly]

Anyway, in one of the videos she shows a technique for reassuring someone, that involves a specific way of taking their hand. This is partly for reassurance, partly for comfort and acceptable contact, and partly so they can't hit you or throw something with that hand!

LOL, yes have seen that one.

My problem is that a) My mother and I have never had a touchy feely relationship and b) I don't fancy getting that close when she's "on one"

I have a stool sampling kit from the GP and I should have taken a sample this morning when I was removing the contents of the bowl of the chemical toilet...but I forgot I'm not going back into the bags now either. Bad daughter.

Mum was OK this morning temper-wise, until I made the stupid mistake of leaving her alone in the bathroom to comb her hair. She went looking for a mirror and found OH's shaving one...I could see her inspecting her toothless grin. Then she went looking for the "missing denture". Then it all kicked off, she wasn't going out, not seeing anyone, not talking to anyone. Managed to get her coat on her and to the front door. Almost out, protesting loudly, when she lobbed her frame at the car parked outside and braced herself in the door frame with her arms and legs.

Somehow got her in the car and she dozed and grumped all the way to day care. Thought she might refuse to get out of the car but no. How are you today then? asked the manager. Mum glared at me and said well how am I supposed to answer that then when I can't talk to anyone? Exchanged worried looks with the manager, explained behind the scenes and then legged it.

Have been expecting a call all day from them, asking me to go and fetch Mum. But no, arrived to collect her with trepidation and find out she's been "grand" all day

And she's been in fine form all evening...

 

[HillyBilly]

Showergate

Hellish day yesterday, all triggered by the unfortunate cold water in shower episode in the morning.

Mum tried to get out of the house (front door securely locked), went walkabout in the garden (no way out), sat and shouted and glowered and grumped in her coat most of the day, threw her walking frame at me, wanted to call the police and her solicitor to tell them about the awful conditions she's having to live out her miserable life in.

I made her sandwiches for lunch which she turned down (but silently ate when I wasn't looking).

Then around dinner time she sort of thawed and is fine again this morning (no shower).

Today's her 80th birthday. She doesn't remember so I've taken her to day care - I so need a few hours off - and we'll "do" her birthday when I've brought her home later.

I'm tired, feel as if I've gone through an emotional wringer. My consumption of alcohol is seriously out of control

 

[LadyA]

HB, are you absolutely sure about the nursing home? I ask because my William became someone who was so unpredictable in outbursts of aggression and caring for him properly became such a struggle, I was ill with constant anxiety, lack of sleep etc. And once settled in the nursing home, he became the calm, sweet natured person he was, and remained that way. The staff never saw his aggression. And he was much better with me too - because I wasn't doing anything with him, just being there.
How is your mum at the Day Centre? Could you increase her days there?

 

[Lavender45]

Oh Hillybilly if you weren't living it you'd never believe the struggles to get through normal every day things. Up until mum got Alzheimers I was really tea total now even I hit the bottle on occasions.

Happy Birthday to your mum. I hope she's in a good frame of mind when you get her home later so you can have an enjoyable evening with her. x

 

[jugglingmum]

HB, are you absolutely sure about the nursing home? I ask because my William became someone who was so unpredictable in outbursts of aggression and caring for him properly became such a struggle, I was ill with constant anxiety, lack of sleep etc. And once settled in the nursing home, he became the calm, sweet natured person he was, and remained that way. The staff never saw his aggression. And he was much better with me too - because I wasn't doing anything with him, just being there.
How is your mum at the Day Centre? Could you increase her days there?

HB, I've followed your threads since you got your mum to yours, there are no rewards for being a martyr - I think you did the right thing getting your mum near you, distance caring is pants, but please don't destroy yourself and OH in this journey, how happy is your mum now, and how happy would she be in a CH if she got to see you 3 or 4 times a week. And you might enjoy seeing her, rather than hiding in the garden.

You have got to her birthday and a cold winter will be hard for all of you.

You will never stop caring but there are many ways to do it. I'm not you, so it might be right for you to care for mum at home, please don't let it get to a crisis.

 

[Amy in the US]

I also found myself thinking, where are they on that waiting list?

Sending you lots of virtual hugs and support.

 

[CeliaW]

Well said JM. Its a difficult decision I know but maybe worth revisiting the idea of that local CH - very valid point about potential extra stresses of winter illnesses. As others have said, your Mum may well do fine in care and you can still be her carer, in a different, less stressful way and, hopefully, a way that means you can enjoy time with your Mum (and not jeopardise your health / sanity / homelife)

Hope you can have a birthday celebration that you all can have some pleasure from xx

 

[HillyBilly]

Thank you all xx

Mum somehow remembered that it was her birthday whilst at day care So they had emergency birthday cake and happy birthday sing alongs etc and Mum enjoyed herself greatly. She thought that the musician they have on a Friday was there just for her.

Picked her up, good mood continued. We've had more cake (with candles), OH slipped two small glasses of cava into Mum while I wasn't looking

Our dog thinks that anything in wrapping paper must be for him and so Mum had to fight him for her presents. (I walked into a random clothes boutique this morning, half asleep still, and explained the situation and the lovely shop owner took control and found me two perfect items of clothing for Mum. One of her shop assistants has a mother with dementia too. Horrendously expensive but was beyond/incapable of caring...)

Mum's happy, best birthday ever, ta de dah.

No, unless Mum's Alzheimer's "progresses" to a less unpredictable/nasty stage there is no way we can keep this up. I couldn't do this without my OH, no way. He's an absolute rock and saint. How you guys out there do this single-handedly I have no idea x

 

[Aisling]

Thank you all xx

Mum somehow remembered that it was her birthday whilst at day care So they had emergency birthday cake and happy birthday sing alongs etc and Mum enjoyed herself greatly. She thought that the musician they have on a Friday was there just for her.

Picked her up, good mood continued. We've had more cake (with candles), OH slipped two small glasses of cava into Mum while I wasn't looking

Our dog thinks that anything in wrapping paper must be for him and so Mum had to fight him for her presents. (I walked into a random clothes boutique this morning, half asleep still, and explained the situation and the lovely shop owner took control and found me two perfect items of clothing for Mum. One of her shop assistants has a mother with dementia too. Horrendously expensive but was beyond/incapable of caring...)

Mum's happy, best birthday ever, ta de dah.

No, unless Mum's Alzheimer's "progresses" to a less unpredictable/nasty stage there is no way we can keep this up. I couldn't do this without my OH, no way. He's an absolute rock and saint. How you guys out there do this single-handedly I have no idea x

Thinking about you and sending lots of hugs.

Aisling xxxxxx

 

[HillyBilly]

Oh god, more diarrhoea. Well, not exactly diarrhoea but very liquidy/loose. (Sorry if anyone's having breakfast). But nothing to get a sample from Thankfully all confined to the bathroom so relatively easy clean up. I have no idea what's causing this or how I can find the cause until I get a sample. I HAVE to get a raised toilet seat - she often won't sit down properly and everything goes everywhere. I fear faecal incontinence may not be far off. No way I can cope with that. Not with all the personal hygiene issues that go with it.

Today I feel down and deflated and tired. Post-mum's birthday blues I guess. Also, like many of you, I hate weekends now. Two days and no day care. I struggle to keep her happy and entertained for any length of time. At least it's sunny.

I AM seriously reconsidering my decision re CH. I want my life back and I want my home back and I think Mum would be happier overall and physically better off with 24/7 care and attention and entertainment.

 

[Lavender45]

I AM seriously reconsidering my decision re CH. I want my life back and I want my home back and I think Mum would be happier overall and physically better off with 24/7 care and attention and entertainment.

Hillybilly you do a fabulous job of caring for your mum, you certainly put me to shame, but sadly I think you are right to rethink the care home option. From a practical point of view their are staff on duty in shifts 24/7 and those staff go home, they sleep, they have holidays and they have lives away from caring. You and your OH are on 24/7 duty for a lady you clearly love to bits, but one who's illness is not permitting her to be calm, peaceful and happy for a large part of her week, in fact it making her violent at times.

Lady A has certainly said her hubby thrived on the care home enviroment. In the right home your mum may be just the same, but if and when she was having a bad day there would be more people (staff) around to help her through.

There are only so may egg shells you can tread on before there's no egg shell left and you may sadly be at that point. That's no reflection in you, it's a reflection on the illness. x

 

[Tin]

Sorry you have had a difficult start to your weekend. Dementia is just relentless when you first start caring.

Did have a diarrhoea and vomiting problem here, but it was only on a Sunday, 3 in a row. Think I have worked out the problem is my freezer, always take food from it for Sunday, I need to rest and cooking all weekend is not fun. However think freezer is not working well and not freezing completely. It is a fridge freezer combination. Tomorrow will be the 4th Sunday, not using anything from it.

 

[notsogooddtr]

Hillybilly you do a fabulous job of caring for your mum, you certainly put me to shame, but sadly I think you are right to rethink the care home option. From a practical point of view their are staff on duty in shifts 24/7 and those staff go home, they sleep, they have holidays and they have lives away from caring. You and your OH are on 24/7 duty for a lady you clearly love to bits, but one who's illness is not permitting her to be calm, peaceful and happy for a large part of her week, in fact it making her violent at times.

Lady A has certainly said her hubby thrived on the care home enviroment. In the right home your mum may be just the same, but if and when she was having a bad day there would be more people (staff) around to help her through.

There are only so may egg shells you can tread on before there's no egg shell left and you may sadly be at that point. That's no reflection in you, it's a reflection on the illness. x

I think the difference can be summed up by something my daughter(a nurse)said in relation to patients.'I care for them but not about them'At first I was shocked,it sounded cold but she explained that whilst in work they are her responsibility,she busts a gut to do the very best by them in the face of ongoing horrendous staffing issues etc.But at the end of a shift she presses a virtual 'delete'button and goes home.That's not a luxury non professional carers have.

 

[Lavender45]

I think the difference can be summed up by something my daughter(a nurse)said in relation to patients.'I care for them but not about them'At first I was shocked,it sounded cold but she explained that whilst in work they are her responsibility,she busts a gut to do the very best by them in the face of ongoing horrendous staffing issues etc.But at the end of a shift she presses a virtual 'delete'button and goes home.That's not a luxury non professional carers have.

Well explained your daughter, I think she's exactly right . x

 

[HillyBilly]

Did have a diarrhoea and vomiting problem here, but it was only on a Sunday, 3 in a row. Think I have worked out the problem is my freezer, always take food from it for Sunday, I need to rest and cooking all weekend is not fun. However think freezer is not working well and not freezing completely. It is a fridge freezer combination. Tomorrow will be the 4th Sunday, not using anything from it.

LOL and god said that on the seventh day there shall be D&V
Hope your plan works!!!!!

 

[LadyA]

Sorry you have had a difficult start to your weekend. Dementia is just relentless when you first start caring.

Did have a diarrhoea and vomiting problem here, but it was only on a Sunday, 3 in a row. Think I have worked out the problem is my freezer, always take food from it for Sunday, I need to rest and cooking all weekend is not fun. However think freezer is not working well and not freezing completely. It is a fridge freezer combination. Tomorrow will be the 4th Sunday, not using anything from it.

Have you checked the temp with a freezer thermometer? Freezers should be at -18 or -19C

 

[HillyBilly]

There was a second bout of loose poo - she flushed it away before I could get a sample
Mum's been in and out of the toilet every 20mins or so it seems.
Wants to go out in the garden.
Sits down.
Needs the toilet.
Back in.
Back out and so it goes on...
It's all the tea she's drinking.
Oh well, it's exercise.
I can do nothing except shepherd her back and forth.
In between toilet visits I whipped the toilet seat off and replaced it with a raised one. Let's see if that helps...

 

[Tin]

Not the most attractive way to get a sample but - if you have an old plastic bowl, an old mixing bowl is best, it should sit in the toilet bowl and above the water line with seat down - it may work!! You have to get in there before she realises what you have done. Cut down on the tea in the afternoon, I use a small teacup and saucer for mum, all very posh with little finger out. My mum was drinking way too much tea throughout the day, at least 10 huge mugs, I had to do something.

 

[HillyBilly]

10pm on a Saturday night and what am I doing?
Collecting poo from the toilet to take to the GP.
Rock and roll
OH said, don't you put that in the fridge...

 

[LadyA]

10pm on a Saturday night and what am I doing?
Collecting poo from the toilet to take to the GP.
Rock and roll
OH said, don't you put that in the fridge...

Doesn't it have to be "fresh " for the lab?
Gee, I bet you never envisaged your Saturday nights panning out quite like that!