I went to the CH this evening and found D in OK shape, very quiet, confused, but clear about who I was. They had not shaved him (though I had stressed he likes to be clean shaven) or dressed him in his shirt - just a t shirt and jersey. He looked awful. I gave him a quick shave (even though it was evening) and showered him and got him into pyjamas and sat with him until he went to sleep. I asked the carers to make sure he was shaved tomorrow, and given one of his shirts to wear. They were sitting chatting outside his room, one if them cuddling a very old lady, stroking her head. They were very gentle and very nice.
These are minor things, aren't they? But they showed the difference between me looking after him at home (and being constantly exhausted) and a CH, which is less concerned with incidentals, maybe.
The one thing that did worry me - and I didn't mention to the carers - was that I found a small chunk of foecal matter on the floor of his bathroom - which was otherwise impeccably clean. Should I say something?
D is so diminished in the CH. I'm sure he is looked after, and the fact that there have been no incidents of anger or aggression is reassuring. But I'm missing him desperately. He's supposed to be in for two or three weeks respite (and knows I need a rest), but the general view is that if this works and he settles, he should stay there. But I'm back to my original message. I can't bear it. I can't bear not to have him here, to care for him and love him. But I'm exhausted, and he has been aggressive. I know that TP friends will advise that I leave him there. But this is really agonizing. Am I living in cloud cuckoo land, wanting to bring my darling home? If only he could be quiet, we could manage. Might the progression of his DLB make him calmer? If so I could organise care at home.
I'm so sorry to go on and on.
Someone in another thread has written movingly about despair. He's right. This is utter loneliness, complete sorrow.