Refusal to socialise.

[netsy22]

My mum 87 and is in an extra care flat (but she doesn't have a care package). Since we moved her down to live near me she has refused to go out on her own, and will not join in with any of the activities in the building, or go and sit in the communal lounge.
She relies on me to take her out which I do a couple of times a week.
Today on our way out some of the ladies were sitting in the foyer waiting to be taken to the local school for a show. They were asking mum who she was and trying to get her to come to the coffee morning. They were lovely and mum was responding to them n a friendly way but when we got in the car she muttered "old biddies!" and I said that they were probably younger than her! But she refused to even try their coffee morning or anything else. I just feel that if she did some socialising or any kind of activity she would be more stimulated and have a better quality of life. She watches TV and does crosswords (but rarely finishes one these days), and although she says she is reading she never seems to get to the end of a book and ask for another one.
I am not really asking for suggestions because I don't think I could get her to do anything, I am just sorry that it has got to this and am constantly watching myself for deterioration along these lines!!!

 

[cett]

lost confidence?

netsy, my mum who is now in a nursing home, was one of the most outgoing peoplle i have ever met in my life. there was never a day(pre dementia) that she wasnt going somewhere or doing something.
once she became ill, she seemed to lose confidence in herself.
terrified that she couldnt keep up with the bingo
terrified that she couldnt follow the conversations
terrified that she may spill her coffee or drop her sandwich during an outing
terrified that she may need the toilet and may have an accident.

in the end, she just gave up and retreated into herself. and thats how she is today. NOTHING we say or do will convince her to socialise with anybody, not even her own family, and im sure its due to fear.
she was, and still is, a very proud woman.

 

[Witzend]

Was she a sociable type before? My mother never really was, certainly not after my father died (he was very sociable and so she was always able to hide behind him, so to speak) and so got worse even before dementia. If ever I tried to push her into any social activity, she would get in a right old tizz even before dementia. She was Ok if I or a sibling went with her, but even then didn't really enjoy social occasions. She wouldn't even go to her local residents' association meeting - there were only about 12 houses and she knew most of the neighbours - much preferred staying at home on her tod.

The exasperating thing is, though, when people say they are lonely but won't go to anything or do anything! They only want family with them, and can't understand that you just can't be there as much as they'd like.

Is there any friend who could accompany your mum a couple of times, in the hope that she'll enjoy it and want to go again? Could you perhaps be a bit cunning and say X would really like someone to go with her, since she doesn't want to go on her own? Probably easier said than done, though, I know.

 

[carrieboo]

Was she a sociable type before? My mother never really was, certainly not after my father died (he was very sociable and so she was always able to hide behind him, so to speak) and so got worse even before dementia. If ever I tried to push her into any social activity, she would get in a right old tizz even before dementia. She was Ok if I or a sibling went with her, but even then didn't really enjoy social occasions. She wouldn't even go to her local residents' association meeting - there were only about 12 houses and she knew most of the neighbours - much preferred staying at home on her tod.

The exasperating thing is, though, when people say they are lonely but won't go to anything or do anything! They only want family with them, and can't understand that you just can't be there as much as they'd like.

Is there any friend who could accompany your mum a couple of times, in the hope that she'll enjoy it and want to go again? Could you perhaps be a bit cunning and say X would really like someone to go with her, since she doesn't want to go on her own? Probably easier said than done, though, I know.

Oh Witzend, your mum sounds like mine! Mum lives alone in her bungalow, 5 miles from me. My dad died a year ago and she constantly tells me how lonely she is, how she hasn't seen a soul for days... I take her out twice a week but have school age kids, a job and no siblings so I'm a bit stretched.

I've suggested lunch club (literally opposite her house), a ladies group, the WI but no, she says she's not a joiner, and anyway she's got me hasn't she

 

[fizzie]

I managed to start mum of by going with her so I said, oh i want to go to...... are you coming along I could do with the company and she followed.....

 

[irismary]

Oh Netsy I know just how you feel - its so frustrating. My Mom is 92 and in extra care with just a minimal care package but we are looking to increase it as she is exhausted by the time she has got herself up and "forgets" her tablets, hardly eats. When my Dad died she really made a life for herself - dancing, Monday to Friday holidays - she has had so many extra Christmas and New Year days it must be 2050 for her! But now she hardly goes out - ring and ride pick her up for a couple of clubs but she finds any excuse not to go and won't go down to any social events they run in the home now even if the carers fetch her. She hardly watches tv and had started to pop over to one of the ladies on her landing but has stopped that now. She does simple puzzles and reads the paper. She is not diagnosed as having any dementia (I am on here as my husband has Alzheimer's) but I feel so sad for her. I can't get there now as much as I did and wish she would make a bit of effort but she is 92 and tired. So difficult to accept as she has been so well. Its not easy however old they are - she is my mom and I want her to be happy. She is forgetful but I think its actually the amount of time on her hands. Perhaps when the care package is in place it will help structure her day.

 

[netsy22]

Anxiety

She used to be very sociable with my dad (pubs, dancing, parties) but started having panic attacks when she went to the shopping centre on her own after he died (almost 20 years ago) so I guess a lot of it is fear.
I realise now that she never did do much on her own, and she never had any interests or hobbies apart from "going out".
After dad died she did continue to go out and on holiday with friends and family and came down to see us on the train, but told us that her children were all she was interested in (she also gave up cooking at that time). Now all of her generation of friends and family are dead, and she was beginning not to be able to cope for a couple of years before we persuaded her to come to live near us. But bringing her to live near us, away from her home town and familiar surroundings has made her totally dependent on me which surprised me as I thought she would carry on going to the local shops, cafes, take herself to the doctor, etc. But she was afraid of getting lost and said she felt wobbly when she went out. She is even now afraid to go to the ground floor hairdresser because she might not be able to find her way back.
I am beginning to understand that her behaviour is based on anxiety and not stubborn -ness now thanks to you all for your comments. I will try to take her to places where she might get to meet other people instead of just being with me alone.

 

[netsy22]

Oh Netsy I know just how you feel - its so frustrating. She is forgetful but I think its actually the amount of time on her hands. Perhaps when the care package is in place it will help structure her day.

Yes I think being on her own so much is making her memory and anxiety worse.

 

[The Chewtor]

I was chatting during today with 2 other people, all 3 of us having different dementia's. While 'comparing notes' we all spoke about loving the stimulation of social situations but all also spoke about how horrible it is to feel 'judged' by others. We often therefore avoid situations with too many new people, as much as we can, because they can be seen reacting when we say the wrong word etc.

This embarrassment at not being 'normal', takes along time to overcome.

Wayne

 

[Aisling]

My mum 87 and is in an extra care flat (but she doesn't have a care package). Since we moved her down to live near me she has refused to go out on her own, and will not join in with any of the activities in the building, or go and sit in the communal lounge.
She relies on me to take her out which I do a couple of times a week.
Today on our way out some of the ladies were sitting in the foyer waiting to be taken to the local school for a show. They were asking mum who she was and trying to get her to come to the coffee morning. They were lovely and mum was responding to them n a friendly way but when we got in the car she muttered "old biddies!" and I said that they were probably younger than her! But she refused to even try their coffee morning or anything else. I just feel that if she did some socialising or any kind of activity she would be more stimulated and have a better quality of life. She watches TV and does crosswords (but rarely finishes one these days), and although she says she is reading she never seems to get to the end of a book and ask for another one.
I am not really asking for suggestions because I don't think I could get her to do anything, I am just sorry that it has got to this and am constantly watching myself for deterioration along these lines!!!

Dear Netsy,

Do you know anyone who could visit your Mum with you and maybe this could lead to a friendship. Are you able to go to a social event in her complex and get to know other people together. Your Mum sounds contented from what you write. If she enjoys TV I wouldn't argue about it. In my opinion if she enjoys crosswords, I wouldn't worry about finishing them. She obviously enjoys books so allow her to enjoy them. She may enjoy and be happy with her own company. Don't force activities. Go gently please. Give her time to settle.

Sending support,

Aisling

 

[netsy22]

Dear Netsy,

Do you know anyone who could visit your Mum with you and maybe this could lead to a friendship. Are you able to go to a social event in her complex and get to know other people together. Your Mum sounds contented from what you write. If she enjoys TV I wouldn't argue about it. In my opinion if she enjoys crosswords, I wouldn't worry about finishing them. She obviously enjoys books so allow her to enjoy them. She may enjoy and be happy with her own company. Don't force activities. Go gently please. Give her time to settle.

Sending support,

Aisling

Thank you for this. I would never try to force her to do something. But I do feel the burden of myself being her entire social life!

 

[netsy22]

I was chatting during today with 2 other people, all 3 of us having different dementia's. While 'comparing notes' we all spoke about loving the stimulation of social situations but all also spoke about how horrible it is to feel 'judged' by others. We often therefore avoid situations with too many new people, as much as we can, because they can be seen reacting when we say the wrong word etc.

This embarrassment at not being 'normal', takes along time to overcome.

Wayne

Thanks Wayne, mum is very concerned about how she appears to other people and I guess she is trying to avoid embarrassment.

 

[Slugsta]

Would your mum go with you to a 'Carers' cafe' or 'Singing for the brain'? This might help both of you.

I'm planning on taking my Mum to a 'Singing for the brain' session when I can manage it. I'm hoping this will give us something enjoyable to do together. Mum has never been a chatterbox (unlike me) and we often sit in silence. We tend to rely on food to give us something to do but there is only so much cake I can eat before the weight starts to pile on!

 

[father ted]

Hi, my Mum was always very sociable but now at 90 wants to do nothing. She is happy to sit in front of TV ALL day, has it blaring because it sounds quiet (that might be because she doesn't wear the hearing aids she was given). I think she has no stimulation and I admit I show no interest whatsoever when she relates a tale I have already heard 7 times today or try to curtail the story by telling it back to her before she gets going( this doesn't work as she still plods through it). However we were fortunate to get a 'sitter' from Age UK for a period of 8 weeks. The lady was lovely and listened intently to all the stories and asked questions about my Mum's younger days. She laughed at her jokes- the ones I've heard every day for the past 4 years. When the 8 weeks were up the lady carried on coming once a month to chat to Mum and also me which has helped me immensely too. We also got a sitter for 3 hours a week from Mindcare who provide an excellent service. What I am trying to say is if you can't get her out try bringing people in.Good Luck!

 

[jknight]

Hi, my Mum was always very sociable but now at 90 wants to do nothing. She is happy to sit in front of TV ALL day, has it blaring because it sounds quiet (that might be because she doesn't wear the hearing aids she was given). I think she has no stimulation and I admit I show no interest whatsoever when she relates a tale I have already heard 7 times today or try to curtail the story by telling it back to her before she gets going( this doesn't work as she still plods through it). However we were fortunate to get a 'sitter' from Age UK for a period of 8 weeks. The lady was lovely and listened intently to all the stories and asked questions about my Mum's younger days. She laughed at her jokes- the ones I've heard every day for the past 4 years. When the 8 weeks were up the lady carried on coming once a month to chat to Mum and also me which has helped me immensely too. We also got a sitter for 3 hours a week from Mindcare who provide an excellent service. What I am trying to say is if you can't get her out try bringing people in.Good Luck!

My mum is opposite! Sits in silence because it's not the done thing to have the TV on in the day!!
I have introduced carers on a befriending basis. When mum needs more care she will be comfortable with the carers!
Mum won't go out unless she is with me so I completely agree with Father Ted. Get regular people in. It has made a real difference to me. Three days a week I don't need to worry about mum's meds/meals and mum enjoys the company!!!

 

[fizzie]

I was chatting during today with 2 other people, all 3 of us having different dementia's. While 'comparing notes' we all spoke about loving the stimulation of social situations but all also spoke about how horrible it is to feel 'judged' by others. We often therefore avoid situations with too many new people, as much as we can, because they can be seen reacting when we say the wrong word etc.

This embarrassment at not being 'normal', takes along time to overcome.

Wayne

That made me very sad Wayne and brought home once again how horribly judgemental the world is. You are normal and don't let anyone think differently, you are normal with some adjustments necessary xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[The Chewtor]

thanks for your very kind words fizzie. I have seen the world and if what i see is normal then i am very glad NOT to be lol!

wayne
xxxxxxx

 

[netsy22]

Would your mum go with you to a 'Carers' cafe' or 'Singing for the brain'? This might help both of you.

I'm planning on taking my Mum to a 'Singing for the brain' session when I can manage it. I'm hoping this will give us something enjoyable to do together. Mum has never been a chatterbox (unlike me) and we often sit in silence. We tend to rely on food to give us something to do but there is only so much cake I can eat before the weight starts to pile on!

This is my situation exactly! I was looking at the carers cafe I might give that a go. I have been to the singing for the brain when I was in Rock Choir - we sang for them. I think my mum would be horrified as the people who go seem to have quite severe dementia (I was in tears) and she doesn't relate to them.
She doesn't relate to "old people" at all and when we go shopping is always pointing out "look at that poor old dear, walking with a stick", or similar remark, she doesn't seem to get that they are at least independent and out on their own unlike her who can't even go downstairs in the block of flats on her own, and grabs my arm to walk!

 

[canary]

This is my situation exactly! I was looking at the carers cafe I might give that a go. I have been to the singing for the brain when I was in Rock Choir - we sang for them. I think my mum would be horrified as the people who go seem to have quite severe dementia (I was in tears) and she doesn't relate to them.
She doesn't relate to "old people" at all and when we go shopping is always pointing out "look at that poor old dear, walking with a stick", or similar remark, she doesn't seem to get that they are at least independent and out on their own unlike her who can't even go downstairs in the block of flats on her own, and grabs my arm to walk!

Mum does this too. On one occasion she said "look at that poor old lady in a wheelchair! Shoot me if I ever get to that stage" and was completely oblivious to the fact that it was actually her own reflection in a window Nevertheless, she is very happy in her care home and doesnt make remarks about the rest of the "old people".
Why not give Singing for the Brain a go? Your mum might surprise you.

 

[Sue J]

thanks for your very kind words fizzie. I have seen the world and if what i see is normal then i am very glad NOT to be lol!

wayne
xxxxxxx

I totally share your sentiments Wayne
xxx