Post nr 2! Obsessive phonecalls!

[Purple rain 50]

So mum is starting to annoy her friends with constant phonecalls 😔
In the few hours a day that I’m not with mum she rings me over & over (I know this is because she’s scared to be alone but she’s adamant she won’t go into care) but I can cope with it.

This morning she rang me at 6.45 & then rang a lot of people at 7. One of them called back later to ask was she ok as they’d just picked up her voicemail.
She was really upset as obviously didn’t recall ringing but then rang everyone again to ask if she’d rung them.
One friend (who has her own health problems & doesn’t need to be jumping out of bed) has just given her quite a telling off 😔

She’s been obsessed with phone nrs for a while but it’s really moved up a level. She’s now scared that she’ll do the same tomorrow.

Any tips for stopping her? I can’t unplug the phone as she’ll be hysterical.

Thinking about hiding her phone list & just leaving my nr in very big writing (& maybe a note saying don’t call anyone!) 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

[SeaSwallow]

Oh dear @Purple rain 50 as you say these phone calls are due to your mum's anxiety at being alone and whilst she is at home on her own are likely to continue. And of course this is all linked to your previous post where she made it clear what her views are on carers.
If, as you said, she forgets that she has called people the calls will continue. You could not really unplug the phone for safety reasons but your idea of hiding her phone list might just work. You would probably have to be prepared to field even more calls.

 

[SAP]

If you mum has numbers on speed call, maybe remove them and also hid all but emergency numbers. It sounds cruel but eventually people will block her calls and she will be just as anxious and frustrated. Events my mum forgot how to use the phone and so I moved carers in for her safety. It’s such a minefield .

 

[Purple rain 50]

Thanks both! I’ve just left her & hidden her list of nrs (with her permission)
Ive left her with my nr so she should be ok - she was fairly calm when I left & won’t be long out of bed!

Will ring plusnet tomorrow & see if they can restrict outgoing calls between certain times.

On the plus side, she admitted she doesn’t feel safe / worried she’ll do something silly so I’ll continue to press the advantages of residential care x

 

[SeaSwallow]

That is good and fingers crossed it will work. I would be careful about restricting outgoing calls for safety reasons, that would only work if she could still phone you in an emergency.

 

[Purple rain 50]

Absolutely! I won’t restrict access to my nr.
Only a few phonecalls this evening & quiet since she went to bed at 9.15 😅

 

[GiantPanda88]

Few suggestions to consider:

- are the people who your mum calls aware of her stage of dementia, what she might say, and what they can do to reassure/de-escalate her? I found with my mum certain friends would unintentionally make things worse than better

- disabling the phone with the supplier seems extreme, what if you or even your mum needs to make a genuine emergency call? If you need to, could you put it on a smart plug or something that you could control in the home?

- is there anyone you can find to sit with your mum whilst you go out? Ie could you arrange a weekly coffee chat with a service/friend to give you a regular window to go out?

- is your mums GP aware of this behaviour? They can recommend to social services your mum has 24/7 care if she may be a risk to herself or others if left alone (that alone may not give you a solution but it helps build a picture of care needs)

- definitely streamline the numbers available, remove them from your mums phone contact list (if a mobile) or find a reason to replace her hard copy phone book and take unnecessary numbers out of people she really shouldn’t be calling herself

- as mentioned in a reply in your other post, with my mum, her dementia medication needed changing to better address her deteriorating dementia symptoms. Mum moved into moderate dementia stage and this brought with it a range of symptoms including anxiety that were better handled with anti-psychotic medication which is regularly used to treat dementia symptoms. Again, GP/specialist consultant is your go to for advice here.

Hope it helps!

 

[Purple rain 50]

@GiantPanda88 thank you so much for both your replies!

Mum is generally ringing people “just for a chat”. She’s trying to stay connected with her old life I guess & doesn’t remember she’s only rung them 5 mins before. Majority know about the AZ & have been very supportive but I guess everyone has enough some times (think I need to change my ring tone as it’s starting to get me agitated every time it goes off!)

I haven’t restricted her phone - we had a good night Friday (I hid her phone book) & she rang in morning to tell me off for controlling her & telling her who & when she can ring. Kept her distracted & out of her house yesterday & she didn’t obsess over nrs.

Her brother & SIL are coming today (think she probably rang them last night). Now she’s in a complete panic that they’re arriving at 12 & she’ll have to feed them!
Will have to tell them to arrange through me in future as it’s unsettled her so much she’s been ringing me all through the night

Re.medication, mum has been on various ADs for about 12 month, Mirtazapine seemed most successful & is currently on highest dose. Gp has just prescribed Lyrica for the daytime but only started that on Friday. Memory clinic has given galantamine 3 weeks ago (have to say I’m not sure there’s any point!) Dementia nurse coming on Tuesday to review so hoping I’ll be able to chat with her.

Hopefully I’ll be able to sneak off for an hour later & leave her with my uncle 🤞🏻x

 

[GiantPanda88]

I definitely got triggered by my own phone ringtone from my mums dementia behaviour. It’s funny how your emotions get programmed after just a few incidents.

One thing I found helpful around medication was something mums older persons mental health nurse said - it’s trial and error and the patient changes too, both their dementia progression and their daily state. It’s tricky finding that right medicine at the right dose at the right time. That helped me to keep hope when the medications weren’t having the effect I’d hoped.

 

[Purple rain 50]

We had a visit from the dementia nurse today (4 weeks since diagnosis).
She agreed mum severely depressed & anxious & said they’ll discuss at team meeting tomorrow & hopefully get a prescription for something new by end of week!

Fingers crossed because I don’t think any of us can cope with this side of things much longer 🤞🏻

 

[RNcaregiver]

Hi @Purple rain 50. This issue was one of the final straws for why mother is now in a care home. My sister and I tried to let her keep her independence and her phone for as long as possible. She has always been anxious and needy in regards to calling me for emotional support. With the dementia it was multiplied by 10000, and I started getting calls from her friends w/ concerns about how much and often she would call them repeating the same thing or untrue things. She would call the police every night w/ untrue complaints or hallucinations.

Unfortunately it’s not much you can do if she’s home alone and you need to have that phone line open. Now that my mom is in a care home she doesn’t have her phone but she now insists the TV remote is a phone and continuously uses it to “call” ppl. Currently trying to find a way to manage that, as she still gets frustrated bc her “calls” aren‘t going through. But i guess its better than her calling me and others 100000 times a day. We have to choose our battles.

 

[Purple rain 50]

I think dementia seems to increase any additional “issues” by 10000!
Phonecalls seemed to have calmed down a bit here - I’ve stopped talking about getting “help” in & think she’s relaxed now I’m not “abandoning her”.

Funnily she’s started ringing some old neighbours that she sort of fell out with & didn’t speak to for years. They’re delighted she’s back in touch & are coping with 3-4 calls a day at the moment!