Is it always this hard?
- Thread starter Purple rain 50
- Start date
Lovely lunch - still feeling stuffed!
I popped in to visit mum after dropping dad off as we were only round the corner.
She was pleased to see me but thought I was her sister the entire time. I’ve honestly not seen her that relaxed in a long long time.
Came home feeling like a weight has lifted (but won’t go back in 😂)
I popped in to visit mum after dropping dad off as we were only round the corner.
She was pleased to see me but thought I was her sister the entire time. I’ve honestly not seen her that relaxed in a long long time.
Came home feeling like a weight has lifted (but won’t go back in 😂)
That's great news @Purple rain 50 it much be such a relief to see that your your mum is so relaxed in the care home environment. Hope it continues, and that you and your son have an enjoyable rest of the half term break. Now put your feet up for the evening and let that lovely lunch go down!
The respite was ok - it was nice knowing that someone else was responsible & I had a good week of not waking at 4am worrying about everything! The first day I dropped mum off I got 40 call & answered about 5 times. The second day I switched phone off & got so much work done & it made me realise how distracting it is trying to work st mums.
Anyway picked mum up full of resolve that things would be different & I would be able to leave her alone for a couple hours in afternoons (she’d been telling me all week she’s perfectly fine & didn’t need to be cast aside / put away 🤦🏻♀️)
First morning home she fell in the morning & banged head so we stayed with her all day.
Second day, we went off to a Halloween event for 90 mins in the afternoon & she was hysterical & ringing people saying I’d abandoned her. Today same again when we went trick or treating.
Her anxiety levels are through the roof so I guess you could say she’s traumatised by the experience!
I’m probably less patient than I should be too because I’ve had a taste of freedom (tinged with guilt) & just want to go back to how things used to be.
To think I used to complain about having to just go over on Sundays! 😩😂xx
Anyway picked mum up full of resolve that things would be different & I would be able to leave her alone for a couple hours in afternoons (she’d been telling me all week she’s perfectly fine & didn’t need to be cast aside / put away 🤦🏻♀️)
First morning home she fell in the morning & banged head so we stayed with her all day.
Second day, we went off to a Halloween event for 90 mins in the afternoon & she was hysterical & ringing people saying I’d abandoned her. Today same again when we went trick or treating.
Her anxiety levels are through the roof so I guess you could say she’s traumatised by the experience!
I’m probably less patient than I should be too because I’ve had a taste of freedom (tinged with guilt) & just want to go back to how things used to be.
To think I used to complain about having to just go over on Sundays! 😩😂xx
I think your mum has reached the stage of being afraid when she is left on her own, but forgets this when someone is with her
When she was in respite she had someone around 24/7 so she was never on her own, but now she is home again you are back to square one.
When she was in respite she had someone around 24/7 so she was never on her own, but now she is home again you are back to square one.
@Purple rain 50, you might have felt the respite stay was unsuccessful and it might be that either your mum needed longer to settle or the home wasn’t quite the best fit for her. However I really think it is time you seriously considered her moving into care full time. As you’ve already found out she needs someone around her 24/7 and she’d like that person to be you.
If you read back her anxiety levels were pretty high and when you left her she started phoning. I don't think she's traumatised by respite. I think the guilt monster is getting you to think this way.
@canary can normally produce a guilt monster bashing stick.
As others have said she had someone around her 24/7 in respite. Now she isn't in respite you are her comfort blanket.
An oft posted phrase on here is dementia has already taken one life, don't let it take 2 or in your case 3 (as your son needs a normal life)
It really is time for full time care.
@canary can normally produce a guilt monster bashing stick.
As others have said she had someone around her 24/7 in respite. Now she isn't in respite you are her comfort blanket.
An oft posted phrase on here is dementia has already taken one life, don't let it take 2 or in your case 3 (as your son needs a normal life)
It really is time for full time care.
@Purple rain 50 it sounds like your mum would be traumatised by anything now, but that’s how dementia goes. In respite there was a team of staff 24/7 so even if she became upset there will have been several people and during the day some activities to distract her. Now she is at home she only has you as a distraction and a safety net. Don’t let guilt get in the way , this is the next step and far from letting anyone down you are doing the best thing for her by making sure she has the right care. This can’t be you on your own, it’s exhausting and eventual will make you ill . Be a parent to your son and a daughter to your mum. One needs you as they journey through their childhood, the other can be looked after by different people and kept safe.
Your mother was highly anxious about being left even before she went into respite. It seems that she has reached the stage of needing someone to be with her all the time. That can't be you and so she needs to go into a care home. Your son must take priority. You don't want him to look back and remember special days and events being spoilt by your mother's dementia because you were on edge or having to rush back or plans had to be abandoned. You are also putting your job at risk. It's sad that your mother has dementia but she has had a long(ish) life and you and your son are young and should be enjoying yours. Don't feel guilty. You are not at fault and your mother's needs are too great for you to deal with and are placing an impossible burden on you.
Thanks all - I know you’re right!
Yesterday evening after I left her at 19.45 she rang me multiple times, again at 23.00, 3.00 & several times at 4.00 “where am I? Am I at home? I’m not in that place?”
When I arrived at 9, she said she was being kept prisoner & had just told her neighbour I’d kidnapped her.
She’s also ringing her friends over & over & they’re starting to get fed up & now she’s asking for my dads nr so she can ring him (that’ll be a shock for him 😂)
Today I’ve been doing the dripping tap thing. Every time she says she doesn’t want to be left alone, I say it’s time to think about residential care. She agreed to go look at one but I realise it’s got to be me that makes that decision now!
Watch this space!
& where’s that stick! X
Now where did
Yesterday evening after I left her at 19.45 she rang me multiple times, again at 23.00, 3.00 & several times at 4.00 “where am I? Am I at home? I’m not in that place?”
When I arrived at 9, she said she was being kept prisoner & had just told her neighbour I’d kidnapped her.
She’s also ringing her friends over & over & they’re starting to get fed up & now she’s asking for my dads nr so she can ring him (that’ll be a shock for him 😂)
Today I’ve been doing the dripping tap thing. Every time she says she doesn’t want to be left alone, I say it’s time to think about residential care. She agreed to go look at one but I realise it’s got to be me that makes that decision now!
Watch this space!
& where’s that stick! X
Now where did
@Purple rain 50 it’s good that you realise it’s time for residential care, you cannot go on like this. And as you say, the neighbours are going to get fed up.
🦯 Is this the stick that you were looking for, we all need to use it at times.
🦯 Is this the stick that you were looking for, we all need to use it at times.
I’ve been following this thread with interest as it has a number of similarities with my mum who has gone into care over the last 18 months. I wanted to offer some words of encouragement so hopefully it’s helpful.
You’re doing a sterling job, and the care you show for your mum shines through. It sounds like you may no longer hear that directly from her, which can be hard, but it’s important to try and remember that you’re doing your best and it’s from a place of love, even if it’s hard at times.
My mum went through a phase for years of constantly ringing, ringing to keep connections, to vent, to share frustrations, any and all times of the day. It’s a way of us knowing she’s anxious, even when she doesn’t know what’s causing it. More recently she has moved to a stage where her anxiety is under control, both through circumstance of being in a dementia care home who can better server her demanding needs but also by ensuring she’s on the right medication to address her dementia condition. This has meant the calls have dropped off, although I also suspect dementia is moving to a place where using a phone is less easy.
It hasn’t been an easy 18months. There was trial and error. There was tears, but with each change came a better solution for mum even if she couldn’t see it. We’re on our second care home and hopefully this seems to be a better fit.
But the first home mum ever went into was transformational for her diagnosis. They see this condition regularly and were much better than I or a GP who sees mum for 5mins every few months at understanding mums care needs. They could articulate it to social services and medical professionals better and got mum the medical support services she needed. Mums quality of care went up, and that feels at odds with what she should have got staying at home. The routine they follow also gives mum certainty in what’s happening and when - this helps her stabilise and reduces anxiety. I could never offer that in a family home which needs to be responsive to children.
Anyway, I just wanted to say you’re doing great. It can be hard, the hardest, at times. Make sure you get some support from someone too, my wife was my rock to lean on when I wanted to break down. And you will get there. You sound like a trooper, so keep moving forward for you all and the positive change will come.
You’re doing a sterling job, and the care you show for your mum shines through. It sounds like you may no longer hear that directly from her, which can be hard, but it’s important to try and remember that you’re doing your best and it’s from a place of love, even if it’s hard at times.
My mum went through a phase for years of constantly ringing, ringing to keep connections, to vent, to share frustrations, any and all times of the day. It’s a way of us knowing she’s anxious, even when she doesn’t know what’s causing it. More recently she has moved to a stage where her anxiety is under control, both through circumstance of being in a dementia care home who can better server her demanding needs but also by ensuring she’s on the right medication to address her dementia condition. This has meant the calls have dropped off, although I also suspect dementia is moving to a place where using a phone is less easy.
It hasn’t been an easy 18months. There was trial and error. There was tears, but with each change came a better solution for mum even if she couldn’t see it. We’re on our second care home and hopefully this seems to be a better fit.
But the first home mum ever went into was transformational for her diagnosis. They see this condition regularly and were much better than I or a GP who sees mum for 5mins every few months at understanding mums care needs. They could articulate it to social services and medical professionals better and got mum the medical support services she needed. Mums quality of care went up, and that feels at odds with what she should have got staying at home. The routine they follow also gives mum certainty in what’s happening and when - this helps her stabilise and reduces anxiety. I could never offer that in a family home which needs to be responsive to children.
Anyway, I just wanted to say you’re doing great. It can be hard, the hardest, at times. Make sure you get some support from someone too, my wife was my rock to lean on when I wanted to break down. And you will get there. You sound like a trooper, so keep moving forward for you all and the positive change will come.
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