Post nr 1! Refusing care

[Purple rain 50]

So I finally plucked up the courage to ring adult social care to request care / carers assessments!
Social worker was lovely but reminded me that mum has to give permission to be assessed so would call back once I’d prepped mum. She also suggested companion care / day centres would be most useful for mum 👍🏻
As expected, mum extremely unhappy about this (did the usual “rather be dead”) & when SW called back said that she was completely independent, did all her own shopping etc. 😡

I think she eventually agreed to let them come around for a chat! I spoke to SW again & she said her mum had been Velcro too & sometimes I had to just walk away & switch my phone off! So I did!!

Told mum if she was so independent, she’d be ok for a few hours!

It all came back to bite me as she was trebly anxious by the time I got back & even more clingy but still adamant she’s not going to try day centre (& be one of those people that gets off a minibus 😩😂)

Kind of wish I’d just gone private & done the slow “friend” introduction technique

Rant nr 1 done - watch this space, nr 2 incoming 🤣x

 

[SAP]

Just because a person refuses care, social services are still,given a duty in law to keep trying to engage them. They don’t but they are meant to. Waiting for rant nr2…..

 

[SeaSwallow]

@Purple rain 50 Oh dear what can I say but no wonder you are ranting (I have already responded to rant no 2).
OK so you mum is adamant that she is not going to try a day centre, but you still need some respite from your constant caring responsibilities. Did YOU also have a carers assessment, social services assessed me as needing respite and arranged for me to have two short breaks each week with a sitter looking after hubby. He was not very happy at first but really got to like both of the sitters. Hubby did not have a needs assessment as he said that he did not need any help.

 

[Chizz]

Hi @Purple rain 50
I believe it is quite usual for a PWD to act / react as your mum has.
When I suggested going a Forget-me-Not Cafe and/or a Memory Singers Group (my OH was a singer in musicals and operas for v many years), and/or Day Centre, etc , my OH didn't want to go, saying she didn't want to be with people like that, or those groups are for the elderly, I'm not one of them, etc etc.
However, come the day when the Cafe had a vacancy (it was so popular with limited space that they had a waiting list), I just told her I was going for a cup of tea and piece of cake and did she want to come with me. She did. The group had lovely volunteers organising simple jigsaw puzzles (10 or so pieces with large bright pictures), a quiz like name that tune, a sing-a-long session with some old musical show numbers with the words on a screen. Others came to say what's your name, hello, haven't seen you before, are you coming back, etc etc. I got a chance to chat to some other carers. In the car on the way back - did you enjoy that.? I told you they were people like that! At home, out of wheel chair, coat off, shoes off, slippers on - do you want a cup of tea? Yes, When are we going back to that place?
Well we carried on going to these groups, some were weekly, one was monthly, one was fortnightly until she couldn't manage the speaking, or the song words reading, then she got a fear of getting out her wheelchair and thought she'd fall and I couldn't get her to go in the car anywhere.
That was some while ago as my OH had a fall, and in fact after a hospital stay that was too long, she can't walk any more and is bedbound or in a chair.
Moral of story is to override the PWD's thoughts of not wanting to do things, as they may well enjoy them, and they soon forget their objections, AND the window of opportunity to do these activities may be short lived before they can't join in even if they wanted to - so do as much as you can for as long as you can with PWD whilst you/they can! YOU have to make the decisions, even if implemented with subterfuge!
Best wishes.

 

[Mumlikesflowers]

Hi @Purple rain 50
I believe it is quite usual for a PWD to act / react as your mum has.
When I suggested going a Forget-me-Not Cafe and/or a Memory Singers Group (my OH was a singer in musicals and operas for v many years), and/or Day Centre, etc , my OH didn't want to go, saying she didn't want to be with people like that, or those groups are for the elderly, I'm not one of them, etc etc.
However, come the day when the Cafe had a vacancy (it was so popular with limited space that they had a waiting list), I just told her I was going for a cup of tea and piece of cake and did she want to come with me. She did. The group had lovely volunteers organising simple jigsaw puzzles (10 or so pieces with large bright pictures), a quiz like name that tune, a sing-a-long session with some old musical show numbers with the words on a screen. Others came to say what's your name, hello, haven't seen you before, are you coming back, etc etc. I got a chance to chat to some other carers. In the car on the way back - did you enjoy that.? I told you they were people like that! At home, out of wheel chair, coat off, shoes off, slippers on - do you want a cup of tea? Yes, When are we going back to that place?
Well we carried on going to these groups, some were weekly, one was monthly, one was fortnightly until she couldn't manage the speaking, or the song words reading, then she got a fear of getting out her wheelchair and thought she'd fall and I couldn't get her to go in the car anywhere.
That was some while ago as my OH had a fall, and in fact after a hospital stay that was too long, she can't walk any more and is bedbound or in a chair.
Moral of story is to override the PWD's thoughts of not wanting to do things, as they may well enjoy them, and they soon forget their objections, AND the window of opportunity to do these activities may be short lived before they can't join in even if they wanted to - so do as much as you can for as long as you can with PWD whilst you/they can! YOU have to make the decisions, even if implemented with subterfuge.
Best wishes.

This seems like great advice and was our experience too. I found it hard because people were constantly advising why not try this and that and I was like well because Mum is totally resistant. And they were like but you (and before this my Dad) must have a break. Yes but it's not a break to have an upset Mum. But eventually we did get to the cafe. And Mum loved the music. And eventually she did start to accept the Support Worker visit (I nearly gave up because it seemed impossible). And now the Support Worker still visits Mum in the care home once a week, which gives me the piece of mind not to visit that day. There are no hard or fast rules with this. Sometimes you do need to back off for a while before anyone has the strength again to have another go. Time can change things, as dementia progresses. And in our case, medication has helped to make Mum calmer.

 

[Purple rain 50]

Thanks all - some really good advice here.
I will be getting carer’s assessment (sometime) & even if it’s just a chance to get some things down on record, help with future respite, something…

I’m going to book a daycare taster session. There’s one not too far away that does Saturdays - if I could have Saturday off I think I could cope with the rest! I’ll go with mum so she doesn’t need to use the dreaded minibus 😂

Also going to see care home I’ve previously visited on the 17th - they have a jazz singer that day so we’ll pop along for that coffee & cake & hopefully she’ll love it (I can dream!)

No phonecalls in last hour … 😊