Moving mum into our house

[JoMor]

Hi My mum was diagnosed with vascular dementia recently. She lives nearby in her own house and I have been managing her care and pretty much every aspect of her life for the last four years .since my dad died. I also have two special needs children and a full on job . Mum really does not want to go into a care home but I’m collapsing with the reality of working full time, being a mum and essentially running a care home for one. With the recent diagnosis we now know things will get worse not better . I’m considering asking mum to either a) move into a care home b) move in with us, I’ll give up work and care for her properly myself without having the added stress of work. Obviously there are pretty massive financial implications for my family if we do this . My key question is if mum moves in with us and we sell her house and use it to pay off our mortgage - assuming she may need to eventually go into a home I believe we would qualifié for a disregard as my disabled daughter lives with us and is likely never to move out. My question is once mum has died and we want to downsize the house would we then have to pay her share of the house ownership back ? I’m really torn I want to support my mum now but am worried that giving up my job and a percentage ownership in our home jodises my families future.

 

[Jessbow]

You shouldnt use your mums money to pay off your mortgage, That would be deprivation of assets.

 

[JoMor]

she would essentially be buying a share of our house - so she would own a share of our house ie still be a property owner

 

[Rosettastone57]

I can't comment on the financial situation, but I would say think very carefully about your mum moving in. There are numerous posts on this forum where family members have moved in a loved one and quickly regretted this . From my own experience, don't, just don't. There will come a point where your mum's needs will become so great that they will outweigh everything else in your life. Your children won't get the attention they deserve and everything will revolve around your mum, to the detriment of your family including being up at night disrupting the house hold. Please think very carefully . Your mum is unlikely to agree to a care home, you'll have to arrange it and social services won't help you if she is living with you as as far as they are concerned she is safe.

 

[SAP]

So she would then be expected to sell her share for care, your disabled child will possibly considered as living in your share not hers.
Apart from this, and I can see you have looked into this, I’m wondering how you will cope if your children need your time like school holidays as your mum requires more and more help. You have a disabled child, what if they become ill, what if you become ill with too much care responsibility. Just from what you have said it sounds like your mum may benefit more from 24 hour care in a home so that you can put your energy into your family and your needs ( including financially)

 

[Collywobbles]

I’m afraid if she has a formal diagnosis of dementia, it’s unlikely that she would be viewed as competent to sign the necessary legal or financial documents necessary to buy a share of your house.

 

[Bod]

Care Home now, things for her, will not get any easier than they are now.
Having a PWD living with you is not simple or easy, and only gets worse, many have tried and have the tee shirt to prove it!
Care Home under her own finances, will allow you to concentrate on the children.

Bod

 

[Jessbow]

Reading and thinking about ths again

Senario 1) She sells her house and pays her way in a care home
senario 2) she sells her house, pays off your mortgage, when you hope the house will then be disregarded because your disabled daughter lives there. I think your daughters housing would be your issue, your dependant not your mothers and very much doubt you'd qualify for a disregard, especially as she is already diagnosed, and you have been managing her needs for 4 years already

 

[DeeCee7]

The care home route is the only route to take, you and your family will be unable to cope otherwise. It’s not about what your mum wants now, it’s what she needs, which is going to be 24hour support in a care home, which you can’t provide. It’s a tough decision but one you need to make for your sake, and that of your family. My PWD, once settled, actually enjoys life in his care home. It’s not the end, just a new and different beginning. Good luck.

 

[SkyeD]

I'm afraid I echo what others have said about how much support your mum would need, if not now, then very likely in the future. Plus, you have your children to consider, who, I'm guessing, have extra needs already.

After my dad died, I asked my mum if she'd like to live with us. We had a trial visit - it was supposed to be for a whole day, but it lasted just a couple of hours, because she/we simply couldn't cope with her poor mobility, ever demanding needs, incessant verbal rambling, and constant wanting to go home.

My OH was stressed to high heaven after just half an hour, and it led me to realise that I would always have to deal with everything and my own life would have become practically non-existent if she came to live with us. Mum ended up in a care home after a spell in hospital following a fall in her own home. It was the best thing for her because she was safe, well-cared for, and had support from lots of people 24/7.
S x