Is it always this hard?

[Purple rain 50]

It’s me again! I’m boring myself with constantly banging on about how to deal with this. Writing a post helps me get it off my chest!

Mum is supposed to be going into respite tomorrow. It’s costing me £3k for a 2 week stay (minimum period) but told mum it’s just for a week (hoping she’ll lose track of time)

against all advice I’ve discussed respite with mum (someone else brought it up originally but I’ve run with it), sold it as a nice break with good company & activities (she’s lonely & depressed & off the scale anxious)

She wanted to go & look today so spent the morning ringing friends & telling them I was putting her in a home before we went.

To be honest the whole visit was a bit of shock to both of us. The couple of residents in the lounge were way worse than mum, unable to speak & just sitting in their chairs.

I kind of started talking myself out of the whole thing … it’s a lot of money / can I somehow just reduce the amount of time I spend with her over half term (it’s the anxiety that’s the issue).

I did leave her on her own for 4.5 hours this afternoon (to see how she coped) - I really enjoyed the time off but mum was a frazzled wreck when I got back (& a couple of people have rung me this evening saying she’d told them I’d abandoned her)

She’s rung this evening & said am I still making her go tomorrow & I’ve said we’ll discuss tomorrow.

Just don’t know where to turn / who to ask for help. I know the only thing that will make her happier is living with me & I feel so guilty that I don’t want her here (evil daughter nr 1!)

Sorry rant over … will try & switch brain off & sleep 😴 😔😩x

 

[canary]

Did you go and visit the home in the early afternoon @Purple rain 50 ?
Care homes are often very quiet at this time.
Most care homes have activities in the mornings when the residents are at their best and then in the afternoons, after mid-day meal, they are mostly tired and nap in their rooms or snooze in the lounge in front of the tv. They then tend to wake up and come into the lounge later on in the afternoon for tea and biscuits.
I think you may have just been unlucky in the timing

 

[SeaSwallow]

Rant away @Purple rain 50, it’s what we are here for. You are NOT evil, not to want to care for your mum at home, very few people can manage that and from your previous posts your mum would not be easy to care for. Plus, your son should come first and that would be hard if your mum lived with you.

@canary has given good advice on care home routines and how residents are likely to spend their days.

 

[Purple rain 50]

Did you go and visit the home in the early afternoon @Purple rain 50 ?
Care homes are often very quiet at this time.
Most care homes have activities in the mornings when the residents are at their best and then in the afternoons, after mid-day meal, they are mostly tired and nap in their rooms or snooze in the lounge in front of the tv. They then tend to wake up and come into the lounge later on in the afternoon for tea and biscuits.
I think you may have just been unlucky in the timing

We arrived at about 11.30 & the lounge was completely empty as everyone was doing music & movement in another part of the building (looked at the Facebook pics later & they seemed to be having a great time!)
Looked at the room & by the time we got back to lounge, 3 residents there one of which was being hoisted into a chair.

I know mum scared as I suppose it’s like looking into the future for herself.

& I probably freaked out because I don’t want to think about mum living in a care home (even though none of us really coping at the moment)!

 

[Purple rain 50]

Rant away @Purple rain 50, it’s what we are here for. You are NOT evil, not to want to care for your mum at home, very few people can manage that and from your previous posts your mum would not be easy to care for. Plus, your son should come first and that would be hard if your mum lived with you.

@canary has given good advice on care home routines and how residents are likely to spend their days.

The stupid thing is she just sits in a chair colouring all day at home so in that respect she’s easy to care for.
It’s the fact that she can’t bear for me to not be in the same house that I can’t deal with.

& my boy was so full of chatter this afternoon because grandma wasn’t in the house. When she’s there, he stays away in a different room (& yep of course I blame myself for not raising home to love his grandma more! 🙄) x

 

[sdmhred]

I went to see a place today for respite too @Purple rain 50

I think it always feels awful when u head into a care home For the first time. And when I got back my immediate thought was ‘mum’s not that bad’, but that was because she was sat at home looking comfy in her chair. She needs the extra care - and it sounds like your mum does too - the afternoon off has unsettled her.

And we matter too- as does your son.

Hit the guilt monster with a big stick and enjoy your half term break With your little chap.

 

[Grannie G]

The first visit to a home is often a culture shock. It`s so different to anything we know and very often other residents seem more passive, sitting in their chairs, doing little or nothing.

As you said, @Puple rain 50 it's just what your mum does at home and I`m sure she would be allowed colouring books if those are what she likes.

After a while we get used to it and so do those who stay there.

My mother used to make the most derogatory comments about other residents when she first went into residential care but didn`t have any insight into her own disturbing behaviour.

Your mum is very dependent on you and it is having an effect on your life and certainly on your son`s.

I hope you will be able to allow your mother to settle. Speak to the manager and make sure they know you will stay away while your mother is in respite and you don`t want her to be allowed to phone you.

 

[Purple rain 50]

Thanks all! I’m feeling a bit better!
Going to need a really big stick for this guilt monster on my back 😘

 

[McSuffolk]

Hi @Purple rain 50

My mum went into care a few months ago and like you, I carry all those feelings of guilt and that I was somehow responsible for her happiness, and I too found the carehome environment alien and uncomfortable. My mum is only 77 so possibly the youngest resident that I have seen there. Mum appears to have settled moreorless now🤞🏻and hasn’t made an attempt to escape for a few weeks thank goodness.
Over the last few months I visited almost daily to begin but now have reduced to 3 times a week. Sometimes the lounge area is very quiet and can feel like death‘s waiting room but it can also be very active, even just as a result of daily life rather than some of the activities they run (which my mum has no interest in). They recently had a decorator in and all the residents looked on with interest while he went about his work, enjoying the banter between he and staff and other visitors. The other day there was a power fail on the security system and again this generated their interest as we couldn’t get out and maintenance couldn’t get in. Short lived but stimulating in its own small way. The gardener brings his dog with him (animals always seem to be a people pleaser) and there are squirrels and sometimes deer and foxes in the back garden.
My mum is always delighted to see me (long may that last) and thrilled to go out, not caring where she goes but just for the freedom of an outing. The other day she said (about the home) “it’s bloody awful!” but later during that same visit she was singing the praises about how well she was being looked after and how lovely and kind all the care home staff are to her /the residents. Pros and cons - I am learning to accept that her lived experience is not perfect but equally not unbearable.
Sometimes I expect she spends her time just sitting in the lounge doing nothing …. And now that I know she is safe, warm, well fed and cared for I have come to terms with this - it was exactly what she did when she was at home too while constantly asking how long was she staying there (she’d lived there 46 years) or asking when she was going home.
Mentally, the relief from her moving into care (she lived alone) and having company all day as well as being cared for by others has been immense, but there are still tears and feelings of guilt and I guess there always will be but it is becoming easier as time passes. The positives for me have been the freedoms - to return to work, to make the Uni transition with my son without the added worry of how mum would cope without me being round each day, to not feel overwhelmed by the weight of running two households.
I had felt suffocated by mum’s growing dependence on me and only me. No matter how humbled I am by reading of some of the other TP‘s caregiving I know I would not cope with having mum to live with us and always having to be there with her. Despite knowing this it has been so very hard to step back and allow others in but several months in things are pretty good👍
I hope you won’t mind me saying but your young son is likely to benefit hugely from having more of you xx

 

[Purple rain 50]

Hi @Purple rain 50

My mum went into care a few months ago and like you, I carry all those feelings of guilt and that I was somehow responsible for her happiness, and I too found the carehome environment alien and uncomfortable. My mum is only 77 so possibly the youngest resident that I have seen there. Mum appears to have settled moreorless now🤞🏻and hasn’t made an attempt to escape for a few weeks thank goodness.
Over the last few months I visited almost daily to begin but now have reduced to 3 times a week. Sometimes the lounge area is very quiet and can feel like death‘s waiting room but it can also be very active, even just as a result of daily life rather than some of the activities they run (which my mum has no interest in). They recently had a decorator in and all the residents looked on with interest while he went about his work, enjoying the banter between he and staff and other visitors. The other day there was a power fail on the security system and again this generated their interest as we couldn’t get out and maintenance couldn’t get in. Short lived but stimulating in its own small way. The gardener brings his dog with him (animals always seem to be a people pleaser) and there are squirrels and sometimes deer and foxes in the back garden.
My mum is always delighted to see me (long may that last) and thrilled to go out, not caring where she goes but just for the freedom of an outing. The other day she said (about the home) “it’s bloody awful!” but later during that same visit she was singing the praises about how well she was being looked after and how lovely and kind all the care home staff are to her /the residents. Pros and cons - I am learning to accept that her lived experience is not perfect but equally not unbearable.
Sometimes I expect she spends her time just sitting in the lounge doing nothing …. And now that I know she is safe, warm, well fed and cared for I have come to terms with this - it was exactly what she did when she was at home too while constantly asking how long was she staying there (she’d lived there 46 years) or asking when she was going home.
Mentally, the relief from her moving into care (she lived alone) and having company all day as well as being cared for by others has been immense, but there are still tears and feelings of guilt and I guess there always will be but it is becoming easier as time passes. The positives for me have been the freedoms - to return to work, to make the Uni transition with my son without the added worry of how mum would cope without me being round each day, to not feel overwhelmed by the weight of running two households.
I had felt suffocated by mum’s growing dependence on me and only me. No matter how humbled I am by reading of some of the other TP‘s caregiving I know I would not cope with having mum to live with us and always having to be there with her. Despite knowing this it has been so very hard to step back and allow others in but several months in things are pretty good👍
I hope you won’t mind me saying but your young son is likely to benefit hugely from having more of you xx

Thank you @McSuffolk - everything you said is exactly how I’m feeling!

I feel guilty in the current situation (me working in one room while she sits colouring in another). I give her comfort because I’m in the house but little conversation/ stimulation as my job is a busy one. I’m ignoring the personal care side of things with my blinkers firmly in place but feeling she deserves better.

Eventually fell asleep last night full of determination to follow through with the drop off but then woke gripped by anxiety & guilt.

If it wasn’t for everyones help last night I would have given in, cancelled the respite & somehow muddled through next week.

But today is the day & I’m going to do it 💪🏻😘

 

[Banjomansmate]

Big girl pants on and go for it!
Both you and your Mum are having to learn to “let go” so take one of her colouring books and a selection of her pencils ( not all, incase they get ‘lost’) and tell her she’s going to have a good time.

 

[Purple rain 50]

Big girl pants on and go for it!
Both you and your Mum are having to learn to “let go” so take one of her colouring books and a selection of her pencils ( not all, incase they get ‘lost’) and tell her she’s going to have a good time.

I’ve bought her two new books & a new £3 pack of pens - don’t care if they get lost 😂
Big girl pants are firmly in place!!

 

[Banjomansmate]

👍 Atta girl!

 

[Purple rain 50]

Deed done! I legged it while someone was showing her the garden 😬

 

[Grannie G]

Well done 👏👏

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

my boy was so full of chatter this afternoon because grandma wasn’t in the house. When she’s there, he stays away in a different room (& yep of course I blame myself for not raising home to love his grandma more!

This stood out for me. He does love his grandma but he's not an adult and doesn't know how to deal with dementia. And why should he? He's entitled to have a normal life. This will be respite for him as well as you.

Great that you got her there! If you can, don't dwell on how she's doing. Instead, do something fun with your boy.

 

[sdmhred]

Well done! Hurrah! You and your boy go make lovely memories over the next few days….

When the worry about mum comes - metaphorically put the thought on a cloud and let it float away with the wind …..

xxx

 

[Banjomansmate]

👏

 

[Jessie5]

Well done. Now please enjoy your very well deserved break! Mum will be absolutely fine!

 

[SkyeD]

Well done @Purple rain 50 - have a lovely break with your son, and remember that your mum's safe where she is and will be well cared for.
S x