Husband isolating himself

Anomar

Registered User
Mar 2, 2024
10
0
Hello

Does anybody else have experience of this? Husband, 72 years old, who has vascular dementia isolating himself from myself and our family. He prefers to stay in bed most of the day, listening to the radio and playing games on ipad, only getting up for the toilet or to find snacks to eat. He rarely eats a full meal but 'grazes' throughout the day and overnight and usually will only eat alone in the bedroom which saddens but also infuriates me because he tends to drop food, spill drinks etc and doesn't make any attempt to clean it up. He has diabetes so has to eat but sugars are all over the place because of erratic eating pattern. Think this is partly because he forgets that he's eaten. He accuses me of nagging him if I ask him to do anything, like put dishes in dishwasher, and gets irritated if I ask him to feed our cats and when reminding him to test his blood sugars and take his insulin. I think this is a big part of why he stays in bed. He will not go shopping with me, even though I'm in pain awaiting another hip replacement, won't go out anywhere except to appointments. It was his birthday recently and he refused to come and sit with myself or the family, open any cards or gifts, stating he felt unwell but absolutely will not see a GP. Still eats and drinks fine. Four days later he opens his cards and gifts, wants to order a takeaway, eats half of it, drinks a half bottle of wine, watches TV with me for a while, then off to bed and has stayed there for the last couple of days again, back to his usual pattern. I really am at a loss as what to do. I'm accused of nagging or not being nice when I challenge him about this, or anything else. So frustrating.
I feel better for the rant.
Can anyone associate with this or is it just me? Thanks for reading.
 

jay6

Registered User
Jun 25, 2023
1,075
0
I think every case can be so different so unfortunately its hard to find someone going through exactly the same. Mine has vascular and he seems quite happy with his own company. I spend most of my time in my bedroom as its so hard sitting with someone who doesn't communicate. He sits in front of TV all day, nodding off most of the time. Seems totally oblivious to be actually being there unless I do something which sets him off. I'm then 'picking on him' or 'telling him off' so I've gradually stopped saying anything to him unnecessary. I used to try and get him to do things for the brain or mobility but have now just given up. Its not worth the nastiness. He's perfectly ok towards others though.
Doesn't want to do anything even appointments. Always eating biscuits or crisps and leaves me to clean all the bits up, together with any spilt drinks. If he makes a sandwich, there is crumbs all over worktop, together with the dirty knife etc.
It's sooooo hard to not explode!
 

Anomar

Registered User
Mar 2, 2024
10
0
Hi jay6

This is so familiar to me and I really feel for you. Thank you for letting me know it's not just me. I constantly clean up after him and everywhere he walks in the house he leaves some kind of mess, spills tea on the floor, cup rings on the bedroom drawers, crumbs on the windowsill, clothes dropped all over and never does anything about it, just says I'm being nasty to him when I ask him to clean it/move it. Sometimes I wonder if he does it on purpose to wind me up and get a reaction.

He very rarely can be persuaded to watch something on TV with me, but he'll decide what he wants to see, even if I'm not keen, then 3/4 of the way through will say it's boring and he doesn't know what it's about and that he's going to bed, leaving me with the rubbish I didn't want to see in the first place!

This morning I asked him to empty the kitchen bins, we managed to sort what went where then he got annoyed because I hadn't made him a cup of tea for his efforts! Honestly it's so wearing.
 

jay6

Registered User
Jun 25, 2023
1,075
0
You really aren't alone @Anomar. Mine has TV on but doesn't really watch it as he falls asleep but if I change the channel. Hay presto, he's awake and was apparently 'just closing his eyes'
I can't say anything without 'picking on him' and yes can totally understand the tea bit. I'm sure they think we are just here to wait on them as if we have nothing else to do.
The mood changes, behaviour, personality, the empathy and self, self, self. All hard to deal with, especially when you see how they can put on this 'im normal' show to everyone else
 

Anomar

Registered User
Mar 2, 2024
10
0
You really aren't alone @Anomar. Mine has TV on but doesn't really watch it as he falls asleep but if I change the channel. Hay presto, he's awake and was apparently 'just closing his eyes'
I can't say anything without 'picking on him' and yes can totally understand the tea bit. I'm sure they think we are just here to wait on them as if we have nothing else to do.
The mood changes, behaviour, personality, the empathy and self, self, self. All hard to deal with, especially when you see how they can put on this 'im normal' show to everyone else
Yes, it's very hard @jay6
 

SeaSwallow

Volunteer Moderator
Oct 28, 2019
6,258
0
Hello @Anomar I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must make life seem very lonely for you.
It might be useful to discuss this with your husband’s GP and to request a medication review. Your husband might have some depression and a mild antidepressant might help him.
 

jennifer1967

Registered User
Mar 15, 2020
24,105
0
Southampton
mine has vascular dementia. its like an olympic sport to get him up especially if nothing planned. will get up for mens shed so i thought it might be boredom but if i call him earlier, he will doze all day in front of the tv and yes if i turn over " he was watching that" he does forget to include my choices and i had to sit through stonehenge the other day. i tend to record to watch later. i do go and lay down in the afternoon so he watches his rubbish tele without me moaning. he does wash or i will shower although sometimes i insist. he doesnt like being disturbed
 

Anomar

Registered User
Mar 2, 2024
10
0
Hello @Anomar I am so sorry that you are going through this, it must make life seem very lonely for you.
It might be useful to discuss this with your husband’s GP and to request a medication review. Your husband might have some depression and a mild antidepressant might help him.
Thank you @SeaSwallow, yes it can be very lonely, especially the evenings. My husband already takes antidepressants but it could be that he needs them increased and I'll look into this thanks for that advice.
 

Anomar

Registered User
Mar 2, 2024
10
0
mine has vascular dementia. its like an olympic sport to get him up especially if nothing planned. will get up for mens shed so i thought it might be boredom but if i call him earlier, he will doze all day in front of the tv and yes if i turn over " he was watching that" he does forget to include my choices and i had to sit through stonehenge the other day. i tend to record to watch later. i do go and lay down in the afternoon so he watches his rubbish tele without me moaning. he does wash or i will shower although sometimes i insist. he doesnt like being disturbed
Hi @jennifer1967 I like your description, like an olympic sport, it's so true.
I find it's better to watch my programmes alone anyway because he will comment on how rubbish they are, if he is up out of bed, or he'll ask what the programme is about, always at a crucial part and I end up missing it!