even though my husband has been tested at a memory clinic and diagnosed with cognitive impairment. He doesn’t believe his diagnosis. His symptoms are getting worse. He has become obsessed with things like buying things we don’t need or already have. He saves everything. Our house is overwhelmed with “ stuff”. He gets mad when I talk to him about this. Any suggestions? Thanks!
Husband does not feel like there’s anything wrong with him,
- Thread starter Bonlou
- Start date
Hi Bonlou. Memory loss is really tough. We simply cant remember doing things. In a lesser form we all do it from time to time. So can empathise to a point. But, if we really cant remember what we did, then how can we remember something that is not logged/saved to memory? Thats hard, and extremely distressing for people. If we are cognitively impaired. The same applies. How do we know?
So your husband wont always see the problem. Or he may be aware of a problem but that worries him. Its worrying to even think we may be struggling. My mum knew she lost words. She said her brain was getting in a muddle. It was distressing. Some people try to cope by collecting things. Incase they forget where they put it. Or incase they think they may not have something.
Some people find the following helpful but strategies are never exhaustive. There are loads to try:
Help to organise what he has. Categories items in boxes, or shelves .
Colour code items)boxes. E.g. outdoor activity stuff in green box. Or place a picture on the side e.g walking gear photos.
Organise his drawers ...socks in top drawer, jumpers in bottom drawer. Place a picture on the drawer for him.
Sift through his bought items and place repeated items together, so he can see he has two of them.
Rather than list and organise things for your husband, say you feel you both need help organising stuff. So strategies are for you also.
Buying things can be a comfort thing so:
Can he challenge his needs into activities and pastimes? Find new hobbies, for home and in the local area. Help him challenge his energy and his stress.
Some areas have animals/dogs that can come round to calm people. Do any of your friends have a dog that needs an extra walk, or time for company?
His mind will be trying hard to make sense of things. He will cling on to anything familiar. Hence the obsessiveness. He will panic when events font make sense.
Give him ideas for daily gentle routines. Not obsessively stuck to as they can then become an equal bind, but just activities he may do in the morning. Or rest times in the afternoon.
Meditation classes are good for letting our minds rest. Nothing heavy. Just relaxation.
If he has collected double of things. It not being awful to quietly put the 'extra' away. Or donate it to charity if you can. Or put them together, to show hes doubled up and ask if he can donate the surplus.
Find ways to laugh about his doubling up. Show him you do it sometimes as well. I bought the same children's dvd months apart. Id forgotten id already bought one at a charity shop! Its normal.
Depending on what cognitively he struggles with the most, have a look on learning resources sites, for children with learning needs. The strategies are appropriate for adults as well. Eg having schedules, diaries, timers. Breaking tasks into tiny steps , rather than four at one time.
Tidy away one item, not a whole room. A whole room is overwhelming.
I hope something there gives you a starting point. But the memory clinic do need to tell you specifically what his difficulties are. Cognitive impairments are huge. So it would help you more for them to give you specific areas of need.
Good luck. People on this forum have loads of ideas. Some work some dont.hence why we need loads to find what works.
So your husband wont always see the problem. Or he may be aware of a problem but that worries him. Its worrying to even think we may be struggling. My mum knew she lost words. She said her brain was getting in a muddle. It was distressing. Some people try to cope by collecting things. Incase they forget where they put it. Or incase they think they may not have something.
Some people find the following helpful but strategies are never exhaustive. There are loads to try:
Help to organise what he has. Categories items in boxes, or shelves .
Colour code items)boxes. E.g. outdoor activity stuff in green box. Or place a picture on the side e.g walking gear photos.
Organise his drawers ...socks in top drawer, jumpers in bottom drawer. Place a picture on the drawer for him.
Sift through his bought items and place repeated items together, so he can see he has two of them.
Rather than list and organise things for your husband, say you feel you both need help organising stuff. So strategies are for you also.
Buying things can be a comfort thing so:
Can he challenge his needs into activities and pastimes? Find new hobbies, for home and in the local area. Help him challenge his energy and his stress.
Some areas have animals/dogs that can come round to calm people. Do any of your friends have a dog that needs an extra walk, or time for company?
His mind will be trying hard to make sense of things. He will cling on to anything familiar. Hence the obsessiveness. He will panic when events font make sense.
Give him ideas for daily gentle routines. Not obsessively stuck to as they can then become an equal bind, but just activities he may do in the morning. Or rest times in the afternoon.
Meditation classes are good for letting our minds rest. Nothing heavy. Just relaxation.
If he has collected double of things. It not being awful to quietly put the 'extra' away. Or donate it to charity if you can. Or put them together, to show hes doubled up and ask if he can donate the surplus.
Find ways to laugh about his doubling up. Show him you do it sometimes as well. I bought the same children's dvd months apart. Id forgotten id already bought one at a charity shop! Its normal.
Depending on what cognitively he struggles with the most, have a look on learning resources sites, for children with learning needs. The strategies are appropriate for adults as well. Eg having schedules, diaries, timers. Breaking tasks into tiny steps , rather than four at one time.
Tidy away one item, not a whole room. A whole room is overwhelming.
I hope something there gives you a starting point. But the memory clinic do need to tell you specifically what his difficulties are. Cognitive impairments are huge. So it would help you more for them to give you specific areas of need.
Good luck. People on this forum have loads of ideas. Some work some dont.hence why we need loads to find what works.
I had exactly this with my OH at the beginning. He was obsessed with buying cheap cuff links off ebay, even though he already had some good ones and didnt usually wear shirts that needed cufflinks! He would also buy items of DIY even though he struggling to remember how to use them and several mobile phones that "didnt work"
He would think to himself "I need that" and not stop and think whether he really needed it, or whether he already had one. He also stopped putting things away properly - he would just open a random cupboard and stuff it in, or pile it up on top of something else, so he could never find anything.
Unfortunately, he too thought there was nothing wrong with him and he hadnt changed at all. This is a little known, but very common symptom called anosognosia, where they lose self insight. Because of this, if I said anything to him about buying stuff that he didnt need, or not putting things away properly he would just get angry with me and accuse me of treating him like a child and telling him what to do.
I found the only thing I could do was to secretly return what I could and make sure our savings were protected. After a while he stopped buying things on the internet as he couldnt remember how to do it anymore
Buying things they don't need/already have - yes.
I've thrown quite a few packets of cheese and bacon away. I'm always there when she buys, of course, and now have had some success gently persuading not to buy ("you never eat it") - but knowing when not to push it.
Small notebooks were another thing - I tend to hurry her past the notebook section, now.
I've thrown quite a few packets of cheese and bacon away. I'm always there when she buys, of course, and now have had some success gently persuading not to buy ("you never eat it") - but knowing when not to push it.
Small notebooks were another thing - I tend to hurry her past the notebook section, now.
I have just been Diagnosed with VMCI and my wife stops me buying beans and Tomato soup when I go shopping she always says No Beans or Soup but I still get them, I dont eat beans or have Tomato soup much.
I honestly dont know why I do it.
I honestly dont know why I do it.
Hello @Carlamark11 , I think we can all make a purchase on impulse and then wonder why we did.
There have been times when I was told I had more tins of peas than the supermarket 😄 been like for 49 years ,
Sorry,I'm not trying to make light of an issue that I know for some can be expensive,frustrating and a source of arguments and distress.
Do you think you do it because you want to feel in control of something ?that you are losing grip if certain areas of your life?
As your purchase is low value ,unless you buy in bulk, maybe you could donate to the local food bank monthly or 6 monthly. Tins have a long shelf life and I'm sure would be welcome.
If purchases become expensive items then maybe ask your wife to remove your bank card to help protect your family finances.
Best wishes to you both
There have been times when I was told I had more tins of peas than the supermarket 😄 been like for 49 years ,
Sorry,I'm not trying to make light of an issue that I know for some can be expensive,frustrating and a source of arguments and distress.
Do you think you do it because you want to feel in control of something ?that you are losing grip if certain areas of your life?
As your purchase is low value ,unless you buy in bulk, maybe you could donate to the local food bank monthly or 6 monthly. Tins have a long shelf life and I'm sure would be welcome.
If purchases become expensive items then maybe ask your wife to remove your bank card to help protect your family finances.
Best wishes to you both
Hi @Bonlou ,my husband had mild cognitive impairment before he went on to dementia. When he went into hospital I found 12 mobile phones! Also we have at least £2000 worth of musical instruments he can't play.
I think the issue with both Cognitive impairment is only basic tests are done.
If a full assessment is done they are able to say which part of the brain is affected and how that will afffect your person.
This gives you the opportunity in the early days to introduce activities that stimulate the parts of the brain affected.
Much talk on here at the moment about the Alzheimers advert I would much prefer that much more effort is put into getting better diagnosis. better treatment and more compassion from SS and the NHS.
I think the issue with both Cognitive impairment is only basic tests are done.
If a full assessment is done they are able to say which part of the brain is affected and how that will afffect your person.
This gives you the opportunity in the early days to introduce activities that stimulate the parts of the brain affected.
Much talk on here at the moment about the Alzheimers advert I would much prefer that much more effort is put into getting better diagnosis. better treatment and more compassion from SS and the NHS.
Maisiecat, yes I agree with you completely. The tests are too basic for such a complex condition.
Its a huge area. Huger still that everyone is different. Every family is different. Every support is different. Every NHS Trust is different. And every SS is different. There are no easy answers. But humour is good. And knowing other people experience similar things, is a huge relief and comfort. I hope someone is making use of all the musical instruments.
I personally do feel the Alzheimer's advert is a good starting point. Now Ive seen it. I thank the Alzheimer's Team for creating it. It must have taken hours to research and make. Where does anyone start? An advert can only touch the surface. At the most (I think) they can only run for 30 seconds. So not much can be said in that timeframe.
Hopefully it generates conversations like these. Hopefully from those conversations, changes can happen. Our loved ones are worth it. Sending kind wishes to everyone.
Its a huge area. Huger still that everyone is different. Every family is different. Every support is different. Every NHS Trust is different. And every SS is different. There are no easy answers. But humour is good. And knowing other people experience similar things, is a huge relief and comfort. I hope someone is making use of all the musical instruments.
I personally do feel the Alzheimer's advert is a good starting point. Now Ive seen it. I thank the Alzheimer's Team for creating it. It must have taken hours to research and make. Where does anyone start? An advert can only touch the surface. At the most (I think) they can only run for 30 seconds. So not much can be said in that timeframe.
Hopefully it generates conversations like these. Hopefully from those conversations, changes can happen. Our loved ones are worth it. Sending kind wishes to everyone.
