I’ve found that rather than asking my parent with Alzhiemer’s about things like cleanersI just arrange them (I have deputyship). I make sure I am at the house when they arrive and introduce them to my parent. They can usually win her over and I ask her if it would be OK if they can clean her house and then she usually agrees.
Maybe your Mum is feeling out of control and you need a different approach
I totally agree. I have to basically get my dad to daycare 3 mornings a week under false pretences, I say I am going to run errands and he wants to come. He can’t remember how to get to his kitchen but he has started to recognise the journey to daycare. I have found myself going on more and more creative and long winded routes so that he doesn’t figure it out, it is crazy. When we pull up he says “oh no, you are not going to leave me here are you?” Sometimes he kicks off and refuses to get out the car. It is horrible and stressful - he is my dad and I don’t want him to be cross with me. If I told him where we were going he would have a tantrum and refuse to leave the house.
I pick him up and 99% of the time he has had a great time.
I am dad’s live in carer and for what it is worth, from my experience, this is my advice:
You need a break. I need a break. I cannot do it 24/7. I will have a breakdown. So to protect my sanity and to keep the arrangement for dad’s care as it is for as long as possible, I need some time off. Do not feel guilty.
We have to just turn up to places. If we discuss it beforehand, he won’t remember it anyway but often gets stressed. So although I feel terribly like I am tricking him, it is the only way.
Usually the caregivers are lovely, chatty, engaging and soon have my dad charmed and talking with them. I know this is not going to be the case for everyone.
Although it goes against all my natural instincts, I am the parent now, I am the responsible adult. So I have to make the decisions based on my dad’s welfare (and my own), unfortunately whether he likes it or not. It is hard. But you know it is the best thing for your loved one, as they are not able to make a rational decision for themselves. You know the decisions you make are solely to keep them safe and you can rest easy at night knowing that.
It is ok to prioritise your own happiness and health. In fact it is vital, otherwise you can’t do your caring role.
My friend said something that really struck a chord the other day. I was stressing about my dad going to respite care and feeling so guilty. She said “it’s not like you are abandoning him by the side of the road, you have researched and found him a really nice place. Him going there is still you caring for him as you have made sure he is well looked after”. This really helped me.
Wishing all of you the very best cause this is unbelievably hard.