Awkwardness

[Fotoliza]

Hello. I know OH can't help it with his vascular dementia, but I am getting desparate. I ask him to do things and I have a "yes" but no action. I ask and ask until I flip and end up doing a loud scream to burst the emotional boil in my head. (not directed at him, but therapeutic for me). He won't do a routine even when encouraged and it has been suggested by an AgeUK dementia advisor.
I am reaching overload even with help from various sources. He won't put his hearing aids in so I have to repeat things or raise my voice, but even when he is wearing them he is hard to get through to. He can't process instructions, yet he remebers some things from earlier and found something we had lost without being asked to do it which was helpful.
Yesterday I had to give step by step instructions for him to help me do a rubbish tidy up. He has a bad mental block when it comes to sorting things out. I cannot do it myself at the moment due to bad back and sore knee.
This morning he didn't manage to get out of bed without ending up on the floor. He is clearly getting worse.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Angel55]

Hello. I know OH can't help it with his vascular dementia, but I am getting desparate. I ask him to do things and I have a "yes" but no action. I ask and ask until I flip and end up doing a loud scream to burst the emotional boil in my head. (not directed at him, but therapeutic for me). He won't do a routine even when encouraged and it has been suggested by an AgeUK dementia advisor.
I am reaching overload even with help from various sources. He won't put his hearing aids in so I have to repeat things or raise my voice, but even when he is wearing them he is hard to get through to. He can't process instructions, yet he remebers some things from earlier and found something we had lost without being asked to do it which was helpful.
Yesterday I had to give step by step instructions for him to help me do a rubbish tidy up. He has a bad mental block when it comes to sorting things out. I cannot do it myself at the moment due to bad back and sore knee.
This morning he didn't manage to get out of bed without ending up on the floor. He is clearly getting worse.

Thanks for reading.

💗 Hello

Do you have someone to help you ? at least whilst your back is bad and your knees are sore. We all get grizzly and even more so when we are not 100% either but it sounds as if you could do with some extra support xx

 

[Kevinl]

Never thank us for reading, we've all been there with some symptom that drives us mad.
It's hard for you and from what you've said might be time to reach out for some outside help, never be too proud you've done so much already, is it possible you could get some respite care for him and give you a chance to sit back alone and just think it through, it's about you too not just him. K

 

[annieka 56]

Hello. I know OH can't help it with his vascular dementia, but I am getting desparate. I ask him to do things and I have a "yes" but no action. I ask and ask until I flip and end up doing a loud scream to burst the emotional boil in my head. (not directed at him, but therapeutic for me). He won't do a routine even when encouraged and it has been suggested by an AgeUK dementia advisor.
I am reaching overload even with help from various sources. He won't put his hearing aids in so I have to repeat things or raise my voice, but even when he is wearing them he is hard to get through to. He can't process instructions, yet he remebers some things from earlier and found something we had lost without being asked to do it which was helpful.
Yesterday I had to give step by step instructions for him to help me do a rubbish tidy up. He has a bad mental block when it comes to sorting things out. I cannot do it myself at the moment due to bad back and sore knee.
This morning he didn't manage to get out of bed without ending up on the floor. He is clearly getting worse.

Thanks for reading

 

[annieka 56]

It does sound very difficult for you and I know it's important to try to have a routine.
But I guess he literally just can't process instructions now. And cannot sort things out.
I know you said you are getting help from various sources but would it help to employ a cleaner for a few hours a week while you have a bad back and knees? You might get recommendations from friends or on any sort of Neighbourhood Group. There are people who just do a brilliant job and take pride in their work. For a month 2 years ago when my rheumatoid arthritis flared up, someone came 3 hours a week and what she did in that time was far more than I could do - she didn't interact with my husband who has dementia, we just kept out of her way.

 

[bakinghappy]

Hello. I know OH can't help it with his vascular dementia, but I am getting desparate. I ask him to do things and I have a "yes" but no action. I ask and ask until I flip and end up doing a loud scream to burst the emotional boil in my head. (not directed at him, but therapeutic for me). He won't do a routine even when encouraged and it has been suggested by an AgeUK dementia advisor.
I am reaching overload even with help from various sources. He won't put his hearing aids in so I have to repeat things or raise my voice, but even when he is wearing them he is hard to get through to. He can't process instructions, yet he remebers some things from earlier and found something we had lost without being asked to do it which was helpful.
Yesterday I had to give step by step instructions for him to help me do a rubbish tidy up. He has a bad mental block when it comes to sorting things out. I cannot do it myself at the moment due to bad back and sore knee.
This morning he didn't manage to get out of bed without ending up on the floor. He is clearly getting worse.

Thanks for reading.

I really get it. It's the same with my OH but no help at the moment. I've got inflammatory arthritis and suffer a lot of pain which doesn't affect him emotionally at all. I understand your scream because I've done the same. Please try and remember how we're all suffering one way or another and that fundamentally we're all on the same journey. Not a good journey but we're not alone as we thought.

 

[Fotoliza]

💗 Hello

Do you have someone to help you ? at least whilst your back is bad and your knees are sore. We all get grizzly and even more so when we are not 100% either but it sounds as if you could do with some extra support xx

Yes, thank you @Angel55 . I am working on getting more help. Also SS are going to reassess OH and I am having a top up of homecare when I need it. xx

 

[jennifer1967]

Hello. I know OH can't help it with his vascular dementia, but I am getting desparate. I ask him to do things and I have a "yes" but no action. I ask and ask until I flip and end up doing a loud scream to burst the emotional boil in my head. (not directed at him, but therapeutic for me). He won't do a routine even when encouraged and it has been suggested by an AgeUK dementia advisor.
I am reaching overload even with help from various sources. He won't put his hearing aids in so I have to repeat things or raise my voice, but even when he is wearing them he is hard to get through to. He can't process instructions, yet he remebers some things from earlier and found something we had lost without being asked to do it which was helpful.
Yesterday I had to give step by step instructions for him to help me do a rubbish tidy up. He has a bad mental block when it comes to sorting things out. I cannot do it myself at the moment due to bad back and sore knee.
This morning he didn't manage to get out of bed without ending up on the floor. He is clearly getting worse.

Thanks for reading.

My husband is the same in that I have to repeatedly ask for him to do things and describe things in infinite detail but he remembers somethings without prompting. Its like the link has been broken with understanding what he needs to do and how he needs to do it
He can't take iniative either. I just get on with it and if he helps that's a bonus

 

[Fotoliza]

I really get it. It's the same with my OH but no help at the moment. I've got inflammatory arthritis and suffer a lot of pain which doesn't affect him emotionally at all. I understand your scream because I've done the same. Please try and remember how we're all suffering one way or another and that fundamentally we're all on the same journey. Not a good journey but we're not alone as we thought.

@bakinghappy Thank you. So glad I am not going mad re the scream. It is no fun being wonky and trying to care for someone at the same time. It has gone from him supporting my needs to the other way round. He does care as an OH, but as a Vas Dem person he can't provide much input any more.
Best wishes.
x

 

[Fotoliza]

My husband is the same in that I have to repeatedly ask for him to do things and describe things in infinite detail but he remembers somethings without prompting. Its like the link has been broken with understanding what he needs to do and how he needs to do it
He can't take iniative either. I just get on with it and if he helps that's a bonus

Absolutely! You hit the nail on the head @jennifer1967.
Best wishes,
x

 

[Angel55]

Yes, thank you @Angel55 . I am working on getting more help. Also SS are going to reassess OH and I am having a top up of homecare when I need it. xx

💗 Bless you xx I hope the forum's support will carry you through this evening and the days beyond x

 

[Fotoliza]

It does sound very difficult for you and I know it's important to try to have a routine.
But I guess he literally just can't process instructions now. And cannot sort things out.
I know you said you are getting help from various sources but would it help to employ a cleaner for a few hours a week while you have a bad back and knees? You might get recommendations from friends or on any sort of Neighbourhood Group. There are people who just do a brilliant job and take pride in their work. For a month 2 years ago when my rheumatoid arthritis flared up, someone came 3 hours a week and what she did in that time was far more than I could do - she didn't interact with my husband who has dementia, we just kept out of her way.

Thank you @annieka 56 I have 2 hours a week from a lovely AgeUK lady who is so very helpful I always feel better when she has worked with me. I'm not sure the carer is doing enough, although it seems to be taking a while to "train her up" to do what is needed. We'll get there eventually, but it was helpful to share my feelings.
Best wishes,
x

 

[Fotoliza]

💗 Bless you xx I hope the forum's support will carry you through this evening and the days beyond x

 

[Fotoliza]

Never thank us for reading, we've all been there with some symptom that drives us mad.
It's hard for you and from what you've said might be time to reach out for some outside help, never be too proud you've done so much already, is it possible you could get some respite care for him and give you a chance to sit back alone and just think it through, it's about you too not just him. K

@Kevinl Thank you. I am working on the idea of respite. I do have some housework help from AgeUK and that is wonderful. I just need to learn to keep my cool when patience runs out. I know he can't help it and isn't doing any of it on purpose.

 

[Kevinl]

@Kevinl Thank you. I am working on the idea of respite. I do have some housework help from AgeUK and that is wonderful. I just need to learn to keep my cool when patience runs out. I know he can't help it and isn't doing any of it on purpose.

I thought I told you never apologises to if not all on certainly to me, keep your cool, always someone here to listen vent on us, we are used to it, all here to listen. K

 

[Jerac]

Hello. I know OH can't help it with his vascular dementia, but I am getting desparate. I ask him to do things and I have a "yes" but no action. I ask and ask until I flip and end up doing a loud scream to burst the emotional boil in my head. (not directed at him, but therapeutic for me). He won't do a routine even when encouraged and it has been suggested by an AgeUK dementia advisor.
I am reaching overload even with help from various sources. He won't put his hearing aids in so I have to repeat things or raise my voice, but even when he is wearing them he is hard to get through to. He can't process instructions, yet he remebers some things from earlier and found something we had lost without being asked to do it which was helpful.
Yesterday I had to give step by step instructions for him to help me do a rubbish tidy up. He has a bad mental block when it comes to sorting things out. I cannot do it myself at the moment due to bad back and sore knee.
This morning he didn't manage to get out of bed without ending up on the floor. He is clearly getting worse.

Thanks for reading.

This sounds like me! My husband will not do anything to help, only does things I’ve asked him not to do! Very frustrating!!
He goes out to help put bins out & forgets why he’s gone outside. When I go to walk the dog he asks if there is anything he can do while I’m out but I have learned that he will never do it.
He wears incontinence pants & I frequently ask him if they are damp. He always says no but when he goes to bed I find the chair wet, his trousers too. If I didn’t physically check his clothing & remove damp items he’d just put them on the next day.
I’m finding it tough as he travels further and further down the dementia path.

 

[jennifer1967]

This sounds like me! My husband will not do anything to help, only does things I’ve asked him not to do! Very frustrating!!
He goes out to help put bins out & forgets why he’s gone outside. When I go to walk the dog he asks if there is anything he can do while I’m out but I have learned that he will never do it.
He wears incontinence pants & I frequently ask him if they are damp. He always says no but when he goes to bed I find the chair wet, his trousers too. If I didn’t physically check his clothing & remove damp items he’d just put them on the next day.
I’m finding it tough as he travels further and further down the dementia path.

I find mine will refuse a shower or change clothes because he doesn't want to be disturbed. Can't be bothered but he gets a shower any way I don't put up with that.
Maybe he's embarrassed. Do you have protection on his chair? Mine is not at that stage yet but does have accidents now and again which I change him straight away but he will tell me he's fine
Mine tries to help but its limited.

 

[Jerac]

I find mine will refuse a shower or change clothes because he doesn't want to be disturbed. Can't be bothered but he gets a shower any way I don't put up with that.
Maybe he's embarrassed. Do you have protection on his chair? Mine is not at that stage yet but does have accidents now and again which I change him straight away but he will tell me he's fine
Mine tries to help but its limited.

I do think he’s embarassed so I try not to make a fuss. Chair protection is a good idea. Thank you.

 

[Fotoliza]

This sounds like me! My husband will not do anything to help, only does things I’ve asked him not to do! Very frustrating!!
He goes out to help put bins out & forgets why he’s gone outside. When I go to walk the dog he asks if there is anything he can do while I’m out but I have learned that he will never do it.
He wears incontinence pants & I frequently ask him if they are damp. He always says no but when he goes to bed I find the chair wet, his trousers too. If I didn’t physically check his clothing & remove damp items he’d just put them on the next day.
I’m finding it tough as he travels further and further down the dementia path.

Hello @Jerac It is slowly worsening here too. I bought a pair of washable seat protectors when hubby used to have wet farts. You can get different colours from Amazon or packets of disposable squares.
Hubby doesn't think he needs to change the pullups but when I insist he checks. Then I look in the bin and they are very heavy.
Last evening I asked him to help empty the dishwasher. He tried to fit in some more items which dripped over the clean ones. I gave up, told him to leave it and go to bed. This morning his carer did it for me. I am getting fatigued after a covid jab and my own health issues.
He says I am getting more "bossy" but if I don't tell him how to do things he often gets in wrong making more work for me.
Tough times indeed.