AAArgh

[orange gingerbread]

My Mum in a care home since my dad died last october. Everyone else gets to see the nice charming lady. I see the other side. Just had a call from her in hysterical tears telling me she's got to go home and no one there talks to her. I feel so wicked for leaving her there and feel like I should be able to care for her like she cared for me all those years. She's right, being in a care home is pants and I wish she didn't have to be there but I can't see any other answer.
Every time I see or talk to her my Mum makes me feel so guilty about what I'm doing to her.

 

[Kevinl]

Well, hello and welcome, so many people start on here bitten by the guilt monster but don't feel guilty I've told our children that if I get like their mum put me in a home if you want.
We didn't have children to breed carers they've been a positive joy and repaying them by becoming a burden isn't what we intended.
I cared for my wife because we picked each other as a partner, the kids didn't pick us as parents, don't beat yourself up about it. K

 

[SAP]

@orange gingerbread ,this is not what you are doing to your mum but what dementia is doing to her. You are not the bad guy here. Speak with the carers and ask what she is like when you are not there. You might be pleasantly surprised. It is often the immediate family who get all the difficult calls when at other times the PWD is absolutely fine. Also it might not be the family home she is talking about , it might be her childhood home and you couldn’t take her there even if you wanted to. This is also common with PWD when they are in a new environment.
Please don’t let guilt get hold. The reality is that even if jobs, family commitments etc didn’t prevent any of us from caring, the task is not something we can do on our own . @Kevinl has hit the nail on the head, we choose to have children and care for them and don’t expect payback , no one chooses for their parent to have dementia. ( my mum is in a home, I didn’t care for her due to a lot of reasons and to this day I still believe it’s the best decision I made)

 

[Alisongs]

Dear Orange Gingerbread. Love your name!
Your mum is in "hostess mode" with other people, but trusts you enough so she can rant without fear of consequences.
Dementia victims all want to go home. They want to go where and when they were young and fit and healthy and not confused. There's a saying: The past is another country, they do things differently there.
Can you and family and friends put together scrapbook of pictures, photos, souvenirs etc., of places, holidays and events mum lived and loved when she was younger. Ask her to show you, tell you about her ideas of home. write down what she says, to add to the pictures. Take her back home without leaving the room! All your family and friends can do this. Even include things she likes about the home she's in. Reinforce and value her happy past. Best wishes

 

[Alisongs]

@orange gingerbread ,this is not what you are doing to your mum but what dementia is doing to her. You are not the bad guy here. Speak with the carers and ask what she is like when you are not there. You might be pleasantly surprised. It is often the immediate family who get all the difficult calls when at other times the PWD is absolutely fine. Also it might not be the family home she is talking about , it might be her childhood home and you couldn’t take her there even if you wanted to. This is also common with PWD when they are in a new environment.
Please don’t let guilt get hold. The reality is that even if jobs, family commitments etc didn’t prevent any of us from caring, the task is not something we can do on our own . @Kevinl has hit the nail on the head, we choose to have children and care for them and don’t expect payback , no one chooses for their parent to have dementia. ( my mum is in a home, I didn’t care for her due to a lot of reasons and to this day I still believe it’s the best decision I made)

My mum actually told us she expected her children to take care of her in her old age. Conveniently forgetting 😂 that she had emigrated away from her parents and hated every minute of the two weeks a year we spent in their home abroad. And forgetting her parents just had to cope alone into their eighties. Her father, when widowed spent every winter for four years with us, and mum hated that too as she resented him being there all day..... And she was so ungrateful of all our efforts in her old age. That's Life!